How Long Should You Wait To Have S*x? Wrong Question.
Don’t decide how long you’re going to wait. Decide this instead.
Recently, a woman I’ll call Bobby asked me for advice. She’d met a man where the connection was unusually strong—and mutual. They’d gone out a few times and now planned a weekend together.
Bobby was excited. Very excited.
And that’s exactly why she was concerned.
She saw real potential and didn’t want sex to accelerate her attachment before they’d built trust and learned whether they wanted the same things.
So she asked how long she should wait.
My answer?
Don’t set a time. Set a standard.
You want your knowledge of someone to have time to catch up with your attraction to them.
Attraction can be very fast. Knowledge isn’t. You can know within minutes that someone is smart, funny, sexy, and wildly appealing. It takes longer to know whether they’re honest, kind, emotionally available, reliable, and share your relationship goals.
Sex doesn’t tell you those things. But it can deepen attachment before you discover you’re not a match.
That’s why I don’t advise clients to use an arbitrary number of dates or months. Three dates don’t magically produce knowledge. Neither do three months if you’ve avoided the conversations and experiences that tell you whether this one is Your One.
Instead, establish milestones.
My recommendation is to wait until you’ve established genuine compatibility; you’re mutually in love; you’ve mutually agreed to exclusivity; and you’ve both had STI testing.
And be warm and clear about it:
“I really like you, and I’m excited about the possibilities. I date a little differently than most, though. It’s pretty normal to get excited, get in bed, and only much later find out whether there’s alignment. For me, sex waits until a good match and I know we’re truly compatible, we’ve agreed to exclusivity, we’re in love, and we’ve had STI tests. That doesn’t mean no kissing! I want to enjoy every move along the path while the emotional relationship and physical safety develop.”
Then let them respond.
Because their response is information.
Warmth, respect, continued affection, no negotiation? That’s information.
Teasing your boundary? Bargaining? Sulking? Agreeing, then repeatedly testing it?
That’s information too.
Does waiting mean suppressing the physical connection?
No, but it does mean savoring.
Kiss. Hold hands. Flirt. Enjoy the attraction! Give yourself enough time to discover whether the connection deserves to deepen.
So don’t ask, “How long should I wait?”
Ask: What do I need to know before sex is the right next step for me?
Because the goal isn’t to keep someone waiting.
It’s to keep your knowledge from falling too far behind your heart.
If you’re over 50 and want a step-by-step process for finding and choosing the right partner—without settling or falling back into old patterns—I created a free 15-minute training:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie
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