The Non-Plan Plan

“It’s typically a ‘date’ without a time or place, but sometimes there is a time without a place or a place without a time. They manage to leave it just ambiguous enough. For example, Jim didn’t mention a time or place and only mentioned the day. He just never messaged me again after being excited and asking me on date 2.”

A client sent me this, and after the gut-punch feeling, I thought: Ah. I knew exactly what she meant.

She had what I call The Non-Plan Plan. Or perhaps, nailing-jello-to-a-tree.

There’s a day but no time or place. Or a time but no place. It’s just specific enough to sound like something has been arranged, while leaving you wondering whether anything actually has.

Is this a date? Am I supposed to keep the evening free? Should I check in? At what point do I make other plans?

Here’s my answer: If you don’t have a time and a place, you don’t have a date.

That’s important, because once we think we have a date, we tend to behave as though we do. We keep Saturday night open. We don’t accept another invitation, or make our own plans. We start organizing our actual life around something that was dangled before us only as a possibility.

Don’t take the bait!

If someone suggests getting together but doesn’t make an actual plan, I recommend being warm, interested, and completely clear:

“That sounds great! I’ll consider it a date when we’ve got details.”

Then, go live your life. If your friend invites you to over, and you would’ve gone if not for the non-plan, go. If someone else asks you out and you want to go, say Yes. If you decide you’d rather stay home reading books featuring heaving bosoms and brooding lords: good for you.

You are not obligated to hold time open for a person who hasn’t actually asked for it. In fact, let’s turn that around: your obligation is to honor your time until someone you like has quite specifically asked for it. 

And no, this isn’t playing hard to get. Playing hard to get means you’re available but pretending you aren’t, in hopes of making someone want you more. This is simply responding to reality: there is no date.

If they come back with a time and place while you’re still free, terrific! Now there’s a date.

And if they wait until you’ve made other plans, that’s okay too. You weren’t unavailable as a dating strategy. You became unavailable because you have a life. You can say,

“Oh! I already made other plans. How about next Thursday at lunch?” 

That distinction becomes especially important at 50+, because most of my clients already have lives they value. They have friends, family, work, hobbies, travel, routines, and commitments.

The goal of dating isn’t to put all of that on standby in case somebody decides to show up. It’s to find someone wonderful who eventually becomes part of the good life you’ve already built.

So when someone dangles the possibility of a date, be open. Be warm. If you’d like to see them, say so.

But don’t stop your life.

Until there’s a time and a place, there’s no date to stop it for.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to look for—and how to respond when someone shows you who they are. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

You can watch it here: 

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

 

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Want Commitment? Say So.

Saying what you want will scare people away. Or will it?

Want Commitment? Say So.

If you want more love, reveal more of yourself from the start. 

One of my clients recently told me she’d encountered some popular dating advice that went something like this: If you want a serious, committed relationship, don’t say so.

Apparently, letting a potential partner know you’re looking for commitment might scare them away.

To which I say: Yes. That’s the point.

If someone is frightened away by the knowledge that you’re looking for a committed relationship, and you’re looking for a committed relationship, this is not a marketing problem. Instead, it’s useful information.

For decades, I’ve encouraged clients who want lasting love to say so right up front, and if there’s a given commitment that goes along with it, to share that as well. I’ve also encouraged them to write fairly detailed online dating profiles—not War and Peace, but enough that another person can get a meaningful sense of who they are, what matters to them, and what kind of relationship they’re hoping to create.

Clients sometimes worry about this. Shouldn’t they play it cool? Reveal less? Keep things short, and vague enough that more people will be interested?

But the goal isn’t to interest more people.

It’s to help the right people recognize you (pssst: there’s more than one!). 

And in my clients’ experience, that’s exactly what has happened. The people who ultimately became serious partners liked the fact that my clients had been clear. They wanted commitment, too.

My own husband did.

When Kerry found me online, my detailed profile explicitly said I was looking for a serious relationship. He appreciated both, because he was looking for the same thing. Nobody spent months pretending to be breezily indifferent while secretly hoping the other person would eventually want what they wanted. Neither wasted the other’s time. From the start, we had Meaningful Discourse^tm, not tapdancing classes.

And now there’s research supporting what I’ve been seeing for years.

In a 2026 study of online dating profiles, psychologist Gurit Birnbaum and her colleagues found that people paid more attention to profiles containing greater self-disclosure and clearly stated long-term relationship goals. Those profiles also made their writers seem more sincere, more available for intimacy, and ultimately more appealing as potential partners.

In other words, revealing more didn’t make people look desperate.

It helped them look available.

Of course, what you reveal matters. My clients’ detailed profile isn’t an autobiography, a list of grievances about their ex, or the complete medical history of everyone in their immediate family. It’s a positive, honest, and kind disclosure of what and whom they’re looking for, which says much about my clients and the good lives they’ve built, too. 

Because online, as everywhere else, like is attracted to like, and we tend to like people who are like us.

So if you want a long-term relationship, say so. If you’re looking for commitment, don’t disguise it as casualness to appeal to someone who doesn’t want what you want. And if you’ve built a life you love, reveal enough of yourself that someone compatible can recognize their equal.

Will that turn some people away?

I certainly hope so.

Dating isn’t an election. You don’t need the most votes.

You just need the right one.

If you’re over 50 and want to get better at finding and choosing the right person—without settling or repeating old patterns—I created a free 15-minute training for you.

You can watch it here:

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Reference: 

Birnbaum, G. E., et al. (2026). “Too much information or not enough? How self-disclosure in online dating profiles influences attraction and relationship intentions.” Current Psychology. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-026-09787-y

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Are They Over Their Ex? This Question Will Tell Yo

You don’t need months to find out whether their heart is free for you. 

At 50+, most singles have an ex.

But not everyone is over theirs.

I’ve worked with people who discovered that only after spending a year or more with someone—who then left them for the former partner.

Ouch.

Many daters take far too long to discern important facts when the information is available much sooner. Usually, fear is involved: fear of scaring everyone away, scaring this person away, seeming too serious, or ending up alone.

But truly, there’s no time to waste.

If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, asking meaningful questions doesn’t make you too serious. It shows that you’re motivated to find someone who wants what you want. And one thing you need is a heart that’s free to love you.

Of course, you can wait around and gather clues about whether theirs is.

Maybe they constantly mention the ex. Send cute little texts. Have phone calls that seem more pleasure than business. Go over to fix things, run errands, or otherwise find reasons to spend time together that have nothing to do with children they share.

I once knew a couple who were terrific together—except for the two weeks every summer when one of them went on vacation with the ex.

Oh no.

And don’t assume fighting with the ex means the attachment is over. Love and hate are not opposites; indifference is. Vitriol can reveal an emotional connection just as surely as yearning can.

Healthy relating with an ex is generally pretty boring: respectful, businesslike when business is necessary, and—if they have children together—focused on the children’s, or possibly grandchildren’s, well-being. As those children grow up and make their own decisions, that relationship should normally recede further into the background.

But waiting to observe all this can take months.

There’s a much faster way.

Ask:

“If your ex were here right now, what would they say was the reason for your breakup?”

And then look, lean, and listen.

You’re listening not only to what they say, but to how they say it.

Do you hear vitriol—or calmness? Yearning—or detachment? Do you get a ten-minute emotionally charged dissertation, or a reasonably even-handed sentence or two?

Someone who’s truly over an ex can usually answer briefly and honestly. They don’t necessarily agree with the ex’s version of events, and they don’t have to. But they can tell you what that person would say without becoming emotionally flooded, contemptuous, wistful, or obsessed with proving who was right.

In other words, they’re respectful yet detached.

And yes: they’re also not looking for opportunities to spend time with the person they’re supposedly over.

So don’t spend months trying to figure out whether someone’s heart is available when you can begin discerning it now.

Ask the question. Then pay very close attention to the answer.

Because you aren’t looking for someone who’s merely single.

You’re looking for someone who’s free.

If you know someone who’s dating after 50 and needs to ask this question, share this with them. If you’d like a free training that shows you how to choose a terrific partner at 50+—without settling—here’s the link: coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie 

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Are You In Like?

My friend Terri is in her 80s, and several couples she knows are now dealing with serious chronic health conditions.

You might imagine that after decades together, this would be a tender time of taking care of each other, keeping each other company, and facing something frightening with the person who’s known you longer than almost anyone else.

Instead, some of these couples are becoming estranged. Literally, decades into their shared lives, they’re moving into different places, and barely speaking.

And Terri said something that stayed with me: She doesn’t think these couples ever really liked each other very much, not even at the start. 

They probably loved each other. They might have had a passionate start. They may have built a life they both enjoyed and valued, with family, friendships, and a home they were a team in creating. 

But liking is different. It asks, 

Do I enjoy talking to you?

Do I respect the way you think?

Do we laugh together?

Do I want your company when nothing exciting is happening?

Do I think of you first when I have something to share?

Do I like you?

And just as importantly:

Do I like who I am when I’m with you?

Dr. John Gottman’s research on happy long-term relationships has repeatedly found friendship at their foundation—including fondness and admiration for one another. In a word, these couples genuinely like each other! 

That matters because liking makes love last long past the initial passion…and because lasting love contains an enormous amount of regular Tuesday.

It’s making dinner, running errands, sitting in waiting rooms, talking over your days, hearing the same story you’ve heard before, going on a walk together, holding hands on the couch while you watch something, and yes, growing older. Sometimes, it means taking care of each other, too. 

Imagine doing all that with someone who is your best friend and with whom you’re your best you. Every day can be a joy, or a job, and with liking, daily life remains a pleasure even through difficulties.

Which reminds me of two other friends of mine: Gene and Roberta. They met at a national park where they were guides; he was instantly smitten with her glorious legs and her radiant smile. She wasn’t so sure about him, but he won her over with his kindness, steadiness, and adoration.

Most important, it turned out they truly liked each other. Best friends looked to Gene and Roberta as examples of best friends. They faced many challenges through life, up to and including the final challenge when Roberta’s health meant they moved into assisted living together, and then to memory care, even though Gene’s health was excellent. He would not have dreamed of leaving her there alone; she was his Roberta, his dearest friend.

So when you’re deciding what belongs on your list of Must Haves in a partner (you’ve got that list, right?), I’d put this near the top:

I like them.

I like being with them.

I like them as a person.

I like who I am when we’re together.

Because you can be bonded to someone you don’t especially like.

You can be attracted to someone you don’t particularly like.

You can even love someone you don’t truly like.

But when it comes to building a life together?

Liking makes the world go round.

If someone you like is searching for their person, share this with them. Or if you want to learn more about finding the person you’ll love to like, visit this link for a free video I made just for you:

https://coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

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But They're Nice To Everyone! How Do I Know If I'm Special?

How can you tell whether you’re becoming special to someone—or they’re just really nice?

A client recently sent me this text about a woman he was getting to know:

“We had a lovely conversation that seemed pretty connected. But I wonder if that’s just a personal style of hers that she is able to have with everyone and doesn’t mean much to her.”

I’m so glad he told me, because this is a mistake I’ve seen many people make—especially when they’re dating the Holy Grail of potential mates: someone whose attachment style is Secure.

They’re kind to everyone. They’re interested in everyone. They’re warm with everyone. So maybe the way they’re treating me doesn’t mean anything.

How about a reframe? 

If someone treats everyone with kindness, warmth, and respect, that’s not evidence that you’re unimportant. It’s evidence that you’ve found someone whose default setting is kindness, warmth, and respect. 

How lucky are you?!

In fact, you want the bar for how your partner treats other people to be quite high, because your partner will eventually treat you the worst way they treat others. Plus, I’ve never met anyone who was abused by a genuinely kind person. 

And being treated well is a standard I’d love for you to get used to! 

So pay attention to how your date treats the server who makes a mistake; their family who disappoints them; their friends who had a slip-up; and the stranger who inconveniences them.

You don’t want to be the only person they treat well. You want to choose someone whose default setting with people in general is kindness.

So how do you know whether you’re special?

Instead of asking, “Are they kinder to me than they are to everyone else?” ask, “Am I a priority—or an option?”Because the right person will treat you differently, in terms of time spent, choices made, and the developing emotional closeness particular to the two of you.

If you’re becoming special to them, they’re choosing to spend Saturday evening with you when they could spend it somewhere else.

They’re making room for you in an already-full life.

They’re initiating and responding to contact.

They’re remembering things that matter to you.

They’re participating in plans and following through.

And, especially, the emotional closeness between the two of you is growing with each meeting.

After five dates, you know one another in ways you didn’t after two. After ten, there are shared experiences, private jokes, increasing vulnerability, and a growing sense of us that doesn’t exist between this person and everyone else they treat kindly.

All of that shows your unique value to them. 

So if you’re dating someone wonderful and find yourself thinking, But they’re nice to everyone, good! 

Their kindness tells you something vital about who they are.

Their increasing investment in you tells you something important about who you’re becoming to them.

Dating gets a lot easier when you can quickly and accurately spot a great (or not-so) match for you. If you’re 50-plus and want my step-by-step approach to finding the right partner without settling, this free 15-minute training is for you:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Photo by Deepthi Clicks on Unsplash