They Look Like Bad News. Are They?

Sometimes somebody just looks like bad news. Are they?

He looked..snarly. Like he’d spent his life picking on people. 

I was online with a client, deciding how to reply to someone. And this guy’s photos made me think:  Uh-oh. This guy looks like bad news.  He wasn’t unattractive. But I suspected he was belligerent. 

So we replied to his note. And…yep. By the next reply, he had shown himself to be argumentative, hostile, offensive, contemptuous, and disagreeable. You could practically hear the sneer. Yikes.

And then there are the folks with soft eyes and warm smiles, who turn out to be absolutely delightful. These are the warm-hearted people who expect and bring out the very best in themselves and others. 

This has happened so often that sometimes my clients add this to their list of things they’d like in a partner: “Agreeable; looks like they’ve spent their lives smiling.” 

I’ve wondered: Am I actually seeing something? Or have decades of working with people merely given me the confidence to think I am?

Turns out, science has a surprisingly interesting answer: Sometimes, we really can tell something about personality from appearance.

When researchers show people photographs of strangers and ask them to judge their personalities, their guesses are far from perfect. For some traits, they’re better than chance. But I wouldn’t hang my hat on it. 

But a dating-profile photo isn’t your driver’s-license photo.

You chose it.

On your profile, you picked the expression, the clothes, the posture, the setting. You chose whether to smile warmly, stare moodily into the middle distance, flex in the bathroom mirror, pose lovingly with your dog-or demonstrate that somewhere nearby, a fish has had a very bad day.

Apparently, those choices tell us something.

In one study, researchers photographed people two ways. First, they standardized their appearance and pose. Then they let them present themselves naturally. When researchers stripped away people’s individual choices, strangers could accurately judge only a few characteristics. But when people got to be themselves-expression, posture, clothing and all-observers accurately perceived considerably more about their personalities.

Other research has found that strangers can pick up real personality information from people’s social-media accounts. And recent research on online dating confirms something particularly relevant: people have considerable control over the personality they convey online.

In other words, they’re showing you something.

Now, I am not suggesting you look at someone’s jawline, large forehead, or high cheekbones and announce, “Aha! Emotionally volatile. Swipe left.”

You cannot diagnose someone’s personality from their facial features or the bumps on their skull (and phrenologists of the 1800s certainly tried). But you can pay attention to what people choose to show you.

Three pictures and a big fish aren’t a scientific personality profile. But don’t immediately explain away what you’re noticing, either. These folks are 50-plus; their character may be implied by the way they use their face, body, clothing, and deep-sea gear. 

So treat your first impression as a hypothesis. Then start gathering evidence.

It probably won’t take long. 

What did they write? How do they talk to you? How do they describe their ex? What happens when you disagree with them or say No? 

Because your first impression could be wrong. But sometimes it’s effective pattern recognition.

Most folks today have dozens—sometimes hundreds—of pictures to choose from. And the ones they actually select say: Here. This is how I want you to see me.

So look.

You don’t need to convict them of anything. You don’t even need to be certain. Dating isn’t a court of law, and you don’t need proof beyond a reasonable doubt before deciding who you want to know better. And who you don’t.

Your job is simply to pay attention to the information you’re being given. And usually, you’ll know pretty fast whether that is accurate.

As poet Maya Angelou put it: 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to notice—and what to do with the information you’re getting. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

You can watch it here:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

References

Naumann, L. P., Vazire, S., Rentfrow, P. J., & Gosling, S. D. (2009). Personality judgments based on physical appearance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35(12), 1661-1671.

Social-media personality research: strangers’ judgments from online self-presentation can correspond with account owners’ personality measures.

Online-dating research: people have meaningful control over the personality they convey in dating profiles.

 

Photo by Andrey K on Unsplash

S*X in Their Profile: Red flag?

In the past week alone, my clients have sent me profiles featuring a man who was about 1% clothed, another whose chosen photo mimics a sex act, a man promising to help women discover their sexual fantasies and provide “fireworks” in bed, and one whose username is a popular sex position.

One gentleman chose a shirtless image of himself reclining while his wiener-dog was positioned in a location I can only describe as unfortunate.

And yes, these were bona fide profiles of men age 50-plus. I am made of questions, but not about compatibility. 

So you might think my advice is simple: If someone mentions S-E-X in a dating profile, R-U-N. Except…no.

Sometimes sex is not only fair to mention in a profile, it’s important.

At midlife and beyond, people can want very different things sexually. Some want a loving relationship with an active sex life. Some want affection and sensuality but little or no sex. And some have hung up their boots entirely, sexually speaking. For some, no sex also means no touching, kissing, or other sensuality. They’re done.

None of those people is wrong. But they may be very wrong for each other.

Sexual compatibility matters in a relationship, and the ability to talk comfortably about sex matters too. In fact, sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction, and the quality of that communication matters the most. So says an analysis of a whopping 93 studies involving more than 38,000 people.  

And I’ve found that people who can talk comfortably and respectfully about sex often show you that capacity from the beginning. So I’m not alarmed by a profile that acknowledges sexuality. In fact, if someone writes,

“To me, passion is an important part of a committed, loving relationship,”

I think they’ve told you something useful. It’s grounded, polite, non-explicit, and importantly, relational. They’re telling you something about the kind of relationship they hope to create. If that’s important to you too, it’s not a red flag. It may be a green one.

But.

There is a vast difference between talking about sexuality and sexualizing the interaction.

The first person is basically saying, “Let’s figure out whether we’re on the same planet when it comes to whether sex and sexuality are still important.” The second is basically saying, “Let’s get naked.”

That’s where I want you paying attention.

If their profile discusses specific body parts in sexualized ways, tells you what turns them on, specifies what they expect in bed, or reads like erotica, they’re no longer simply giving you useful information about compatibility. They’re introducing a sexual interaction with a stranger who hasn’t agreed to have one.

The same goes for photos: in fact, men looking for something short-term are more likely to use sexualized, body-focused profile photos, while those looking for relationships are more likely to show less body and more face. 

So what they’re showing you is probably showing you something. Of all the photos people have of themselves, they choose a handful to say, “Here. This is how I want you, a total stranger, to see me.” So look. The nearly-naked bedroom selfie, the simulated sex act, and (God help me) the strategically positioned dachshund all matter. As does the photo that shows attractiveness without a triple-X vibe. 

Everyone’s telling you something about their objectives, and that’s okay. No need to decide whether they’re a good human. You just need to decide whether this is a good candidate for you, and whether you want to know them better, or at all.

So don’t automatically reject someone because sex appears in their profile. At 50-plus, knowing whether you’re sexually aligned can save both of you considerable time and heartache. But notice how they talk about it.

Are they talking about sexuality in general—or are they being sexual with you?

Are they showing an LTR mentality—or short-term imagery?  

One is information about compatibility. The other is information too. Choose accordingly.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to notice—and what to do with the information you’re getting. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

References

Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B. (2022). Couples’ sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 59(7), 894–910. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2021.2014292

One example of photos revealing short- or LTR intentions: 

Anderson, J. R., Holland, E., Koc, Y., & Haslam, N. (2018). iObjectify: Self- and other-objectification on Grindr, a geosocial networking application designed for men who have sex with men. European Journal of Social Psychology, 48(5), 600–613. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2350

The pix we use also affect how valuable others think we are as possible mates. This study shows that people perceive sexualized profiles of men and women as more into casual sex, and thought the profile makers were lower in partner quality, and someone they wouldn’t want to pursue for a long-term relationship: 

Birnbaum, G. E., Zholtack, K., & Reis, H. T. (2026). Selling yourself short: How sexualized online dating profiles affect viewers’ perceptions and relationship intentions. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 20(2), Article 3. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2026-2-3

 

Photo by Federico Garaffi on Unsplash

The Non-Plan Plan

“It’s typically a ‘date’ without a time or place, but sometimes there is a time without a place or a place without a time. They manage to leave it just ambiguous enough. For example, Jim didn’t mention a time or place and only mentioned the day. He just never messaged me again after being excited and asking me on date 2.”

A client sent me this, and after the gut-punch feeling, I thought: Ah. I knew exactly what she meant.

She had what I call The Non-Plan Plan. Or perhaps, nailing-jello-to-a-tree.

There’s a day but no time or place. Or a time but no place. It’s just specific enough to sound like something has been arranged, while leaving you wondering whether anything actually has.

Is this a date? Am I supposed to keep the evening free? Should I check in? At what point do I make other plans?

Here’s my answer: If you don’t have a time and a place, you don’t have a date.

That’s important, because once we think we have a date, we tend to behave as though we do. We keep Saturday night open. We don’t accept another invitation, or make our own plans. We start organizing our actual life around something that was dangled before us only as a possibility.

Don’t take the bait!

If someone suggests getting together but doesn’t make an actual plan, I recommend being warm, interested, and completely clear:

“That sounds great! I’ll consider it a date when we’ve got details.”

Then, go live your life. If your friend invites you to over, and you would’ve gone if not for the non-plan, go. If someone else asks you out and you want to go, say Yes. If you decide you’d rather stay home reading books featuring heaving bosoms and brooding lords: good for you.

You are not obligated to hold time open for a person who hasn’t actually asked for it. In fact, let’s turn that around: your obligation is to honor your time until someone you like has quite specifically asked for it. 

And no, this isn’t playing hard to get. Playing hard to get means you’re available but pretending you aren’t, in hopes of making someone want you more. This is simply responding to reality: there is no date.

If they come back with a time and place while you’re still free, terrific! Now there’s a date.

And if they wait until you’ve made other plans, that’s okay too. You weren’t unavailable as a dating strategy. You became unavailable because you have a life. You can say,

“Oh! I already made other plans. How about next Thursday at lunch?” 

That distinction becomes especially important at 50+, because most of my clients already have lives they value. They have friends, family, work, hobbies, travel, routines, and commitments.

The goal of dating isn’t to put all of that on standby in case somebody decides to show up. It’s to find someone wonderful who eventually becomes part of the good life you’ve already built.

So when someone dangles the possibility of a date, be open. Be warm. If you’d like to see them, say so.

But don’t stop your life.

Until there’s a time and a place, there’s no date to stop it for.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to look for—and how to respond when someone shows you who they are. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

You can watch it here: 

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

 

Photo by Carole Hachet for Unsplash

Want Commitment? Say So.

Saying what you want will scare people away. Or will it?

Want Commitment? Say So.

If you want more love, reveal more of yourself from the start. 

One of my clients recently told me she’d encountered some popular dating advice that went something like this: If you want a serious, committed relationship, don’t say so.

Apparently, letting a potential partner know you’re looking for commitment might scare them away.

To which I say: Yes. That’s the point.

If someone is frightened away by the knowledge that you’re looking for a committed relationship, and you’re looking for a committed relationship, this is not a marketing problem. Instead, it’s useful information.

For decades, I’ve encouraged clients who want lasting love to say so right up front, and if there’s a given commitment that goes along with it, to share that as well. I’ve also encouraged them to write fairly detailed online dating profiles—not War and Peace, but enough that another person can get a meaningful sense of who they are, what matters to them, and what kind of relationship they’re hoping to create.

Clients sometimes worry about this. Shouldn’t they play it cool? Reveal less? Keep things short, and vague enough that more people will be interested?

But the goal isn’t to interest more people.

It’s to help the right people recognize you (pssst: there’s more than one!). 

And in my clients’ experience, that’s exactly what has happened. The people who ultimately became serious partners liked the fact that my clients had been clear. They wanted commitment, too.

My own husband did.

When Kerry found me online, my detailed profile explicitly said I was looking for a serious relationship. He appreciated both, because he was looking for the same thing. Nobody spent months pretending to be breezily indifferent while secretly hoping the other person would eventually want what they wanted. Neither wasted the other’s time. From the start, we had Meaningful Discourse^tm, not tapdancing classes.

And now there’s research supporting what I’ve been seeing for years.

In a 2026 study of online dating profiles, psychologist Gurit Birnbaum and her colleagues found that people paid more attention to profiles containing greater self-disclosure and clearly stated long-term relationship goals. Those profiles also made their writers seem more sincere, more available for intimacy, and ultimately more appealing as potential partners.

In other words, revealing more didn’t make people look desperate.

It helped them look available.

Of course, what you reveal matters. My clients’ detailed profile isn’t an autobiography, a list of grievances about their ex, or the complete medical history of everyone in their immediate family. It’s a positive, honest, and kind disclosure of what and whom they’re looking for, which says much about my clients and the good lives they’ve built, too. 

Because online, as everywhere else, like is attracted to like, and we tend to like people who are like us.

So if you want a long-term relationship, say so. If you’re looking for commitment, don’t disguise it as casualness to appeal to someone who doesn’t want what you want. And if you’ve built a life you love, reveal enough of yourself that someone compatible can recognize their equal.

Will that turn some people away?

I certainly hope so.

Dating isn’t an election. You don’t need the most votes.

You just need the right one.

If you’re over 50 and want to get better at finding and choosing the right person—without settling or repeating old patterns—I created a free 15-minute training for you.

You can watch it here:

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Reference: 

Birnbaum, G. E., et al. (2026). “Too much information or not enough? How self-disclosure in online dating profiles influences attraction and relationship intentions.” Current Psychology. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-026-09787-y

Photo by Patrick Nguyen on Unsplash

Are They Over Their Ex? This Question Will Tell Yo

You don’t need months to find out whether their heart is free for you. 

At 50+, most singles have an ex.

But not everyone is over theirs.

I’ve worked with people who discovered that only after spending a year or more with someone—who then left them for the former partner.

Ouch.

Many daters take far too long to discern important facts when the information is available much sooner. Usually, fear is involved: fear of scaring everyone away, scaring this person away, seeming too serious, or ending up alone.

But truly, there’s no time to waste.

If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, asking meaningful questions doesn’t make you too serious. It shows that you’re motivated to find someone who wants what you want. And one thing you need is a heart that’s free to love you.

Of course, you can wait around and gather clues about whether theirs is.

Maybe they constantly mention the ex. Send cute little texts. Have phone calls that seem more pleasure than business. Go over to fix things, run errands, or otherwise find reasons to spend time together that have nothing to do with children they share.

I once knew a couple who were terrific together—except for the two weeks every summer when one of them went on vacation with the ex.

Oh no.

And don’t assume fighting with the ex means the attachment is over. Love and hate are not opposites; indifference is. Vitriol can reveal an emotional connection just as surely as yearning can.

Healthy relating with an ex is generally pretty boring: respectful, businesslike when business is necessary, and—if they have children together—focused on the children’s, or possibly grandchildren’s, well-being. As those children grow up and make their own decisions, that relationship should normally recede further into the background.

But waiting to observe all this can take months.

There’s a much faster way.

Ask:

“If your ex were here right now, what would they say was the reason for your breakup?”

And then look, lean, and listen.

You’re listening not only to what they say, but to how they say it.

Do you hear vitriol—or calmness? Yearning—or detachment? Do you get a ten-minute emotionally charged dissertation, or a reasonably even-handed sentence or two?

Someone who’s truly over an ex can usually answer briefly and honestly. They don’t necessarily agree with the ex’s version of events, and they don’t have to. But they can tell you what that person would say without becoming emotionally flooded, contemptuous, wistful, or obsessed with proving who was right.

In other words, they’re respectful yet detached.

And yes: they’re also not looking for opportunities to spend time with the person they’re supposedly over.

So don’t spend months trying to figure out whether someone’s heart is available when you can begin discerning it now.

Ask the question. Then pay very close attention to the answer.

Because you aren’t looking for someone who’s merely single.

You’re looking for someone who’s free.

If you know someone who’s dating after 50 and needs to ask this question, share this with them. If you’d like a free training that shows you how to choose a terrific partner at 50+—without settling—here’s the link: coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie 

 Photo by Alexander Wende on Unsplash