But They're Nice To Everyone! How Do I Know If I'm Special?

How can you tell whether you’re becoming special to someone—or they’re just really nice?

A client recently sent me this text about a woman he was getting to know:

“We had a lovely conversation that seemed pretty connected. But I wonder if that’s just a personal style of hers that she is able to have with everyone and doesn’t mean much to her.”

I’m so glad he told me, because this is a mistake I’ve seen many people make—especially when they’re dating the Holy Grail of potential mates: someone whose attachment style is Secure.

They’re kind to everyone. They’re interested in everyone. They’re warm with everyone. So maybe the way they’re treating me doesn’t mean anything.

How about a reframe? 

If someone treats everyone with kindness, warmth, and respect, that’s not evidence that you’re unimportant. It’s evidence that you’ve found someone whose default setting is kindness, warmth, and respect. 

How lucky are you?!

In fact, you want the bar for how your partner treats other people to be quite high, because your partner will eventually treat you the worst way they treat others. Plus, I’ve never met anyone who was abused by a genuinely kind person. 

And being treated well is a standard I’d love for you to get used to! 

So pay attention to how your date treats the server who makes a mistake; their family who disappoints them; their friends who had a slip-up; and the stranger who inconveniences them.

You don’t want to be the only person they treat well. You want to choose someone whose default setting with people in general is kindness.

So how do you know whether you’re special?

Instead of asking, “Are they kinder to me than they are to everyone else?” ask, “Am I a priority—or an option?”Because the right person will treat you differently, in terms of time spent, choices made, and the developing emotional closeness particular to the two of you.

If you’re becoming special to them, they’re choosing to spend Saturday evening with you when they could spend it somewhere else.

They’re making room for you in an already-full life.

They’re initiating and responding to contact.

They’re remembering things that matter to you.

They’re participating in plans and following through.

And, especially, the emotional closeness between the two of you is growing with each meeting.

After five dates, you know one another in ways you didn’t after two. After ten, there are shared experiences, private jokes, increasing vulnerability, and a growing sense of us that doesn’t exist between this person and everyone else they treat kindly.

All of that shows your unique value to them. 

So if you’re dating someone wonderful and find yourself thinking, But they’re nice to everyone, good! 

Their kindness tells you something vital about who they are.

Their increasing investment in you tells you something important about who you’re becoming to them.

Dating gets a lot easier when you can quickly and accurately spot a great (or not-so) match for you. If you’re 50-plus and want my step-by-step approach to finding the right partner without settling, this free 15-minute training is for you:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Photo by Deepthi Clicks on Unsplash

Their Sense of Humor is Telling You Something

Sarcasm is funny—or is it?

A funny thing is happening on dating apps. Literally, people are describing themselves as funny—and then specifying that they’re sarcastic and want someone who “can take a joke.”

But what kind of joke? 

When my clients suss out a potential partner, I encourage them to pay attention to something that might seem trivial:

How does this person make people laugh?

I don’t mean whether they can tell a good joke—but what kind of joke they like to tell. It’s less can-they-make-me-laugh, and more what-and-who-are-they-laughing-at?

In a nutshell: What kind of humor do they use?

Do they notice funny things in everyday life? Are they witty, playful, and positive in their humor? Can they laugh at themselves kindly? Does their humor create pleasure without requiring someone else to lose status so the speaker can get a laugh?  Do they tell stories that leave everyone involved with their dignity intact?

That’s what I call victimless humor. Turns out, it’s often associated with relationship-building qualities, such as the capacity for intimacy. And in my long experience with my clients’ relationships, it’s the humor that builds friendship, grows intimacy, and keeps the home fires burning.

But what if their humor relies on sarcasm, cynicism, mockery, and making somebody else the butt of the joke? That’s a problem. 

Science agrees. In a 2026 study where people labeled their own sense of humor, researchers measured the participants’ personality traits and looked for connections.  

The results did not show that people who use sarcasm must also have personality disorders. Please don’t whip out the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders over appetizers. :)

But sarcasm and cynicism were more strongly associated with traits that aren’t terribly helpful in love: hostility, distrust, antagonism, and emotional dysregulation. Sarcasm is often used to avoid deeper intimacy, too. And that’s not funny at all when you want a love that lasts. 

In other words, humor isn’t automatically healthy because it’s funny.

And when you’re dating, that’s useful information, not just after you meet—but before you’ve exchanged one word. 

It may seem harsh, but if someone says they’re sarcastic or looking for someone to take a joke, I ask my clients to be kind to themselves and take their attention elsewhere. It’s an automatic block. And not every client has been willing to do this; but those who go ahead and date the sarcastic have eventually left them over…well, over what we’ve just been describing. 

But what if you’re already on a date? Or deciding whether to take things further? 

Maya Angelou that situation: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 

Watch. Watch how you feel when they tease you: closer, or subtly diminished? Watch your behavior: do you become more yourself, or do you edit and shrink? Watch how they act when you don’t find the joke funny. Watch what happens when they tell a funny story about someone else: is it done with contempt, or affection? Can they be funny without making someone else out to be stupid, incompetent, unattractive, oversensitive, or wrong?

That’s humor with a victim—and the victim could wind up being you. Because here’s a rule of thumb you can rely on: the worst way they talk about someone else is eventually how they’ll talk to and about you. 

This is one reason I teach clients to go well beyond chemistry and fun in the early stages of dating. 

Those things matter for the long term. But selecting well also means noticing how someone moves through the world before you’re so emotionally invested that you start explaining away what you see. Kindness and respect are the most fundamental parts of love that lasts—and they show up right from the start, including how people use humor.

So yes, look for someone who makes you laugh. But understand this: “I’m looking for someone who can take a joke” is accurately translated, “I’m looking for someone who’ll take it when I pick on them.”

I hope that’s not good enough for you. 

Instead, seek out someone whose humor is generous. Someone playful. Someone witty. Someone who can see the absurdities of life without needing a victim.

Because after the joke is over, you’ll still have to live with the person who told it.

If you’re over 50 and want to get better at recognizing the right partner early—without settling or repeating old patterns—I’ve created a free 15-minute training to show you how I approach finding and choosing lasting love.

You can watch it here:

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Reference: Dionigi, A., Duradoni, M., & Vagnoli, L. (2026). Humor and Personality Disorders: Associations Between Comic Styles and Maladaptive Personality Traits in a Normative Adult Sample. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts.

How Long Should You Wait To Have S*x? Wrong Question.

Don’t decide how long you’re going to wait. Decide this instead.

Recently, a woman I’ll call Bobby asked me for advice. She’d met a man where the connection was unusually strong—and mutual. They’d gone out a few times and now planned a weekend together.

Bobby was excited. Very excited.

And that’s exactly why she was concerned.

She saw real potential and didn’t want sex to accelerate her attachment before they’d built trust and learned whether they wanted the same things.

So she asked how long she should wait.

My answer?

Don’t set a time. Set a standard.

You want your knowledge of someone to have time to catch up with your attraction to them.

Attraction can be very fast. Knowledge isn’t. You can know within minutes that someone is smart, funny, sexy, and wildly appealing. It takes longer to know whether they’re honest, kind, emotionally available, reliable, and share your relationship goals.

Sex doesn’t tell you those things. But it can deepen attachment before you discover you’re not a match.

That’s why I don’t advise clients to use an arbitrary number of dates or months. Three dates don’t magically produce knowledge. Neither do three months if you’ve avoided the conversations and experiences that tell you whether this one is Your One.

Instead, establish milestones.

My recommendation is to wait until you’ve established genuine compatibility; you’re mutually in love; you’ve mutually agreed to exclusivity; and you’ve both had STI testing.

And be warm and clear about it:

“I really like you, and I’m excited about the possibilities. I date a little differently than most, though. It’s pretty normal to get excited, get in bed, and only much later find out whether there’s alignment. For me, sex waits until a good match and I know we’re truly compatible, we’ve agreed to exclusivity, we’re in love, and we’ve had STI tests. That doesn’t mean no kissing! I want to enjoy every move along the path while the emotional relationship and physical safety develop.”

Then let them respond.

Because their response is information.

Warmth, respect, continued affection, no negotiation? That’s information.

Teasing your boundary? Bargaining? Sulking? Agreeing, then repeatedly testing it?

That’s information too.

Does waiting mean suppressing the physical connection?

No, but it does mean savoring.

Kiss. Hold hands. Flirt. Enjoy the attraction! Give yourself enough time to discover whether the connection deserves to deepen.

So don’t ask, “How long should I wait?”

Ask: What do I need to know before sex is the right next step for me?

Because the goal isn’t to keep someone waiting.

It’s to keep your knowledge from falling too far behind your heart.

If you’re over 50 and want a step-by-step process for finding and choosing the right partner—without settling or falling back into old patterns—I created a free 15-minute training:

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

First Date Red Flags, First Date Green Flags

Wise Readers, have you ever missed some red flags—waving banners that might have been there on the first date?

We’ve all been there! And if you (or someone you love) is tired of it, check out this new article in Newsweek, today: https://www.newsweek.com/biggest-red-flag-first-date…

Equally important: Do you know the number 1 *green* flag to look for? Scope that out in a separate Newsweek article: https://www.newsweek.com/biggest-green-flag-first-date-according-relationship-experts-1993512

Did you guess the dealbreakers and deal-makers I named? What stands out for you? Are there other red or green flags you would add?

I’d love to hear what you think! Your life is your own experiment. Going forward, what will you try that’s different?

Cheers,

Duana

Want more love in your life? Whether you’re single, partnered, or questioning anything

about relationships, get coaching with Dr. Duana Welch, the original Love Scientist and Love Factually author:

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/consult/

#duanawelch

#LoveFactually

#LoveFactuallyRevisedandUpdated

#datingcoaching

#datingcoachingage50plus

#datingcoachingforwomen

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GET SCIENCE AND LOVE ON THIS NEW EPISODE WITH DEEPER DATING

When it comes to finding your life partner, have you felt like things aren’t going the way you’d hoped…but you don’t know what might help instead?

If so, then this is THE podcast for you. Oprah featured it. It and its host Ken Page are major! I have wanted to be on Ken Page’s Deeper Dating for *years*—it’s soooo good. Ken is all about love, respect, and kindness.

And I’m delighted to be on episode #175, where we discuss:

• What does it mean to date the hard way?

• How can you re-brand the term ‘high-status’?

• What’s the difference between that and hard-to-get?

• What to do between the first contact and the first date?

• Why and which boundaries are so helpful in dating?

• Are there benefits to waiting to have sex?

• What does science say about setting up a dating profile?

• How to ask the hard questions on a date? (scripts included!)

I’m so excited about this episode and this podcast, and I know you will be, too!

Listen to this all-science-based dating episode here:

https://deeperdatingpodcast.com/dr-duana-welch

https://deeperdatingpodcast.com/175

https://apple.co/3LPSrXZ

And please lmk how you liked the show! What stands out for you? Your life is your own experiment. What will you try that’s different?

Cheers,

Duana

Want more love in your life? Whether you’re single, partnered, or questioning anything

about relationships, get coaching with Dr. Duana Welch, the original Love Scientist:

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/consult/

#duanawelch

#LoveFactually

#LoveFactuallyRevisedandUpdated

#datingcoaching

#datingcoachingforwomen

#datingcoachingformen

#datingadviceforwomen

#datingadviceformen

#datingadvice

#onlinedatingcoach

#relationshipcoaching

#datingcoachingage50plus