But They're Nice To Everyone! How Do I Know If I'm Special?

How can you tell whether you’re becoming special to someone—or they’re just really nice?

A client recently sent me this text about a woman he was getting to know:

“We had a lovely conversation that seemed pretty connected. But I wonder if that’s just a personal style of hers that she is able to have with everyone and doesn’t mean much to her.”

I’m so glad he told me, because this is a mistake I’ve seen many people make—especially when they’re dating the Holy Grail of potential mates: someone whose attachment style is Secure.

They’re kind to everyone. They’re interested in everyone. They’re warm with everyone. So maybe the way they’re treating me doesn’t mean anything.

How about a reframe? 

If someone treats everyone with kindness, warmth, and respect, that’s not evidence that you’re unimportant. It’s evidence that you’ve found someone whose default setting is kindness, warmth, and respect. 

How lucky are you?!

In fact, you want the bar for how your partner treats other people to be quite high, because your partner will eventually treat you the worst way they treat others. Plus, I’ve never met anyone who was abused by a genuinely kind person. 

And being treated well is a standard I’d love for you to get used to! 

So pay attention to how your date treats the server who makes a mistake; their family who disappoints them; their friends who had a slip-up; and the stranger who inconveniences them.

You don’t want to be the only person they treat well. You want to choose someone whose default setting with people in general is kindness.

So how do you know whether you’re special?

Instead of asking, “Are they kinder to me than they are to everyone else?” ask, “Am I a priority—or an option?”Because the right person will treat you differently, in terms of time spent, choices made, and the developing emotional closeness particular to the two of you.

If you’re becoming special to them, they’re choosing to spend Saturday evening with you when they could spend it somewhere else.

They’re making room for you in an already-full life.

They’re initiating and responding to contact.

They’re remembering things that matter to you.

They’re participating in plans and following through.

And, especially, the emotional closeness between the two of you is growing with each meeting.

After five dates, you know one another in ways you didn’t after two. After ten, there are shared experiences, private jokes, increasing vulnerability, and a growing sense of us that doesn’t exist between this person and everyone else they treat kindly.

All of that shows your unique value to them. 

So if you’re dating someone wonderful and find yourself thinking, But they’re nice to everyone, good! 

Their kindness tells you something vital about who they are.

Their increasing investment in you tells you something important about who you’re becoming to them.

Dating gets a lot easier when you can quickly and accurately spot a great (or not-so) match for you. If you’re 50-plus and want my step-by-step approach to finding the right partner without settling, this free 15-minute training is for you:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Photo by Deepthi Clicks on Unsplash