Sarcasm is funny—or is it?
A funny thing is happening on dating apps. Literally, people are describing themselves as funny—and then specifying that they’re sarcastic and want someone who “can take a joke.”
But what kind of joke?
When my clients suss out a potential partner, I encourage them to pay attention to something that might seem trivial:
How does this person make people laugh?
I don’t mean whether they can tell a good joke—but what kind of joke they like to tell. It’s less can-they-make-me-laugh, and more what-and-who-are-they-laughing-at?
In a nutshell: What kind of humor do they use?
Do they notice funny things in everyday life? Are they witty, playful, and positive in their humor? Can they laugh at themselves kindly? Does their humor create pleasure without requiring someone else to lose status so the speaker can get a laugh? Do they tell stories that leave everyone involved with their dignity intact?
That’s what I call victimless humor. Turns out, it’s often associated with relationship-building qualities, such as the capacity for intimacy. And in my long experience with my clients’ relationships, it’s the humor that builds friendship, grows intimacy, and keeps the home fires burning.
But what if their humor relies on sarcasm, cynicism, mockery, and making somebody else the butt of the joke? That’s a problem.
Science agrees. In a 2026 study where people labeled their own sense of humor, researchers measured the participants’ personality traits and looked for connections.
The results did not show that people who use sarcasm must also have personality disorders. Please don’t whip out the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders over appetizers. :)
But sarcasm and cynicism were more strongly associated with traits that aren’t terribly helpful in love: hostility, distrust, antagonism, and emotional dysregulation. Sarcasm is often used to avoid deeper intimacy, too. And that’s not funny at all when you want a love that lasts.
In other words, humor isn’t automatically healthy because it’s funny.
And when you’re dating, that’s useful information, not just after you meet—but before you’ve exchanged one word.
It may seem harsh, but if someone says they’re sarcastic or looking for someone to take a joke, I ask my clients to be kind to themselves and take their attention elsewhere. It’s an automatic block. And not every client has been willing to do this; but those who go ahead and date the sarcastic have eventually left them over…well, over what we’ve just been describing.
But what if you’re already on a date? Or deciding whether to take things further?
Maya Angelou that situation: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Watch. Watch how you feel when they tease you: closer, or subtly diminished? Watch your behavior: do you become more yourself, or do you edit and shrink? Watch how they act when you don’t find the joke funny. Watch what happens when they tell a funny story about someone else: is it done with contempt, or affection? Can they be funny without making someone else out to be stupid, incompetent, unattractive, oversensitive, or wrong?
That’s humor with a victim—and the victim could wind up being you. Because here’s a rule of thumb you can rely on: the worst way they talk about someone else is eventually how they’ll talk to and about you.
This is one reason I teach clients to go well beyond chemistry and fun in the early stages of dating.
Those things matter for the long term. But selecting well also means noticing how someone moves through the world before you’re so emotionally invested that you start explaining away what you see. Kindness and respect are the most fundamental parts of love that lasts—and they show up right from the start, including how people use humor.
So yes, look for someone who makes you laugh. But understand this: “I’m looking for someone who can take a joke” is accurately translated, “I’m looking for someone who’ll take it when I pick on them.”
I hope that’s not good enough for you.
Instead, seek out someone whose humor is generous. Someone playful. Someone witty. Someone who can see the absurdities of life without needing a victim.
Because after the joke is over, you’ll still have to live with the person who told it.
If you’re over 50 and want to get better at recognizing the right partner early—without settling or repeating old patterns—I’ve created a free 15-minute training to show you how I approach finding and choosing lasting love.
You can watch it here:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie
Reference: Dionigi, A., Duradoni, M., & Vagnoli, L. (2026). Humor and Personality Disorders: Associations Between Comic Styles and Maladaptive Personality Traits in a Normative Adult Sample. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts.
