They Look Like Bad News. Are They?

Sometimes somebody just looks like bad news. Are they?

He looked..snarly. Like he’d spent his life picking on people. 

I was online with a client, deciding how to reply to someone. And this guy’s photos made me think:  Uh-oh. This guy looks like bad news.  He wasn’t unattractive. But I suspected he was belligerent. 

So we replied to his note. And…yep. By the next reply, he had shown himself to be argumentative, hostile, offensive, contemptuous, and disagreeable. You could practically hear the sneer. Yikes.

And then there are the folks with soft eyes and warm smiles, who turn out to be absolutely delightful. These are the warm-hearted people who expect and bring out the very best in themselves and others. 

This has happened so often that sometimes my clients add this to their list of things they’d like in a partner: “Agreeable; looks like they’ve spent their lives smiling.” 

I’ve wondered: Am I actually seeing something? Or have decades of working with people merely given me the confidence to think I am?

Turns out, science has a surprisingly interesting answer: Sometimes, we really can tell something about personality from appearance.

When researchers show people photographs of strangers and ask them to judge their personalities, their guesses are far from perfect. For some traits, they’re better than chance. But I wouldn’t hang my hat on it. 

But a dating-profile photo isn’t your driver’s-license photo.

You chose it.

On your profile, you picked the expression, the clothes, the posture, the setting. You chose whether to smile warmly, stare moodily into the middle distance, flex in the bathroom mirror, pose lovingly with your dog-or demonstrate that somewhere nearby, a fish has had a very bad day.

Apparently, those choices tell us something.

In one study, researchers photographed people two ways. First, they standardized their appearance and pose. Then they let them present themselves naturally. When researchers stripped away people’s individual choices, strangers could accurately judge only a few characteristics. But when people got to be themselves-expression, posture, clothing and all-observers accurately perceived considerably more about their personalities.

Other research has found that strangers can pick up real personality information from people’s social-media accounts. And recent research on online dating confirms something particularly relevant: people have considerable control over the personality they convey online.

In other words, they’re showing you something.

Now, I am not suggesting you look at someone’s jawline, large forehead, or high cheekbones and announce, “Aha! Emotionally volatile. Swipe left.”

You cannot diagnose someone’s personality from their facial features or the bumps on their skull (and phrenologists of the 1800s certainly tried). But you can pay attention to what people choose to show you.

Three pictures and a big fish aren’t a scientific personality profile. But don’t immediately explain away what you’re noticing, either. These folks are 50-plus; their character may be implied by the way they use their face, body, clothing, and deep-sea gear. 

So treat your first impression as a hypothesis. Then start gathering evidence.

It probably won’t take long. 

What did they write? How do they talk to you? How do they describe their ex? What happens when you disagree with them or say No? 

Because your first impression could be wrong. But sometimes it’s effective pattern recognition.

Most folks today have dozens—sometimes hundreds—of pictures to choose from. And the ones they actually select say: Here. This is how I want you to see me.

So look.

You don’t need to convict them of anything. You don’t even need to be certain. Dating isn’t a court of law, and you don’t need proof beyond a reasonable doubt before deciding who you want to know better. And who you don’t.

Your job is simply to pay attention to the information you’re being given. And usually, you’ll know pretty fast whether that is accurate.

As poet Maya Angelou put it: 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to notice—and what to do with the information you’re getting. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

You can watch it here:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

References

Naumann, L. P., Vazire, S., Rentfrow, P. J., & Gosling, S. D. (2009). Personality judgments based on physical appearance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35(12), 1661-1671.

Social-media personality research: strangers’ judgments from online self-presentation can correspond with account owners’ personality measures.

Online-dating research: people have meaningful control over the personality they convey in dating profiles.

 

Photo by Andrey K on Unsplash