S*X in Their Profile: Red flag?

In the past week alone, my clients have sent me profiles featuring a man who was about 1% clothed, another whose chosen photo mimics a sex act, a man promising to help women discover their sexual fantasies and provide “fireworks” in bed, and one whose username is a popular sex position.

One gentleman chose a shirtless image of himself reclining while his wiener-dog was positioned in a location I can only describe as unfortunate.

And yes, these were bona fide profiles of men age 50-plus. I am made of questions, but not about compatibility. 

So you might think my advice is simple: If someone mentions S-E-X in a dating profile, R-U-N. Except…no.

Sometimes sex is not only fair to mention in a profile, it’s important.

At midlife and beyond, people can want very different things sexually. Some want a loving relationship with an active sex life. Some want affection and sensuality but little or no sex. And some have hung up their boots entirely, sexually speaking. For some, no sex also means no touching, kissing, or other sensuality. They’re done.

None of those people is wrong. But they may be very wrong for each other.

Sexual compatibility matters in a relationship, and the ability to talk comfortably about sex matters too. In fact, sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction, and the quality of that communication matters the most. So says an analysis of a whopping 93 studies involving more than 38,000 people.  

And I’ve found that people who can talk comfortably and respectfully about sex often show you that capacity from the beginning. So I’m not alarmed by a profile that acknowledges sexuality. In fact, if someone writes,

“To me, passion is an important part of a committed, loving relationship,”

I think they’ve told you something useful. It’s grounded, polite, non-explicit, and importantly, relational. They’re telling you something about the kind of relationship they hope to create. If that’s important to you too, it’s not a red flag. It may be a green one.

But.

There is a vast difference between talking about sexuality and sexualizing the interaction.

The first person is basically saying, “Let’s figure out whether we’re on the same planet when it comes to whether sex and sexuality are still important.” The second is basically saying, “Let’s get naked.”

That’s where I want you paying attention.

If their profile discusses specific body parts in sexualized ways, tells you what turns them on, specifies what they expect in bed, or reads like erotica, they’re no longer simply giving you useful information about compatibility. They’re introducing a sexual interaction with a stranger who hasn’t agreed to have one.

The same goes for photos: in fact, men looking for something short-term are more likely to use sexualized, body-focused profile photos, while those looking for relationships are more likely to show less body and more face. 

So what they’re showing you is probably showing you something. Of all the photos people have of themselves, they choose a handful to say, “Here. This is how I want you, a total stranger, to see me.” So look. The nearly-naked bedroom selfie, the simulated sex act, and (God help me) the strategically positioned dachshund all matter. As does the photo that shows attractiveness without a triple-X vibe. 

Everyone’s telling you something about their objectives, and that’s okay. No need to decide whether they’re a good human. You just need to decide whether this is a good candidate for you, and whether you want to know them better, or at all.

So don’t automatically reject someone because sex appears in their profile. At 50-plus, knowing whether you’re sexually aligned can save both of you considerable time and heartache. But notice how they talk about it.

Are they talking about sexuality in general—or are they being sexual with you?

Are they showing an LTR mentality—or short-term imagery?  

One is information about compatibility. The other is information too. Choose accordingly.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to notice—and what to do with the information you’re getting. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

References

Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B. (2022). Couples’ sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 59(7), 894–910. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2021.2014292

One example of photos revealing short- or LTR intentions: 

Anderson, J. R., Holland, E., Koc, Y., & Haslam, N. (2018). iObjectify: Self- and other-objectification on Grindr, a geosocial networking application designed for men who have sex with men. European Journal of Social Psychology, 48(5), 600–613. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2350

The pix we use also affect how valuable others think we are as possible mates. This study shows that people perceive sexualized profiles of men and women as more into casual sex, and thought the profile makers were lower in partner quality, and someone they wouldn’t want to pursue for a long-term relationship: 

Birnbaum, G. E., Zholtack, K., & Reis, H. T. (2026). Selling yourself short: How sexualized online dating profiles affect viewers’ perceptions and relationship intentions. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 20(2), Article 3. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2026-2-3

 

Photo by Federico Garaffi on Unsplash