The Non-Plan Plan

“It’s typically a ‘date’ without a time or place, but sometimes there is a time without a place or a place without a time. They manage to leave it just ambiguous enough. For example, Jim didn’t mention a time or place and only mentioned the day. He just never messaged me again after being excited and asking me on date 2.”

A client sent me this, and after the gut-punch feeling, I thought: Ah. I knew exactly what she meant.

She had what I call The Non-Plan Plan. Or perhaps, nailing-jello-to-a-tree.

There’s a day but no time or place. Or a time but no place. It’s just specific enough to sound like something has been arranged, while leaving you wondering whether anything actually has.

Is this a date? Am I supposed to keep the evening free? Should I check in? At what point do I make other plans?

Here’s my answer: If you don’t have a time and a place, you don’t have a date.

That’s important, because once we think we have a date, we tend to behave as though we do. We keep Saturday night open. We don’t accept another invitation, or make our own plans. We start organizing our actual life around something that was dangled before us only as a possibility.

Don’t take the bait!

If someone suggests getting together but doesn’t make an actual plan, I recommend being warm, interested, and completely clear:

“That sounds great! I’ll consider it a date when we’ve got details.”

Then, go live your life. If your friend invites you to over, and you would’ve gone if not for the non-plan, go. If someone else asks you out and you want to go, say Yes. If you decide you’d rather stay home reading books featuring heaving bosoms and brooding lords: good for you.

You are not obligated to hold time open for a person who hasn’t actually asked for it. In fact, let’s turn that around: your obligation is to honor your time until someone you like has quite specifically asked for it. 

And no, this isn’t playing hard to get. Playing hard to get means you’re available but pretending you aren’t, in hopes of making someone want you more. This is simply responding to reality: there is no date.

If they come back with a time and place while you’re still free, terrific! Now there’s a date.

And if they wait until you’ve made other plans, that’s okay too. You weren’t unavailable as a dating strategy. You became unavailable because you have a life. You can say,

“Oh! I already made other plans. How about next Thursday at lunch?” 

That distinction becomes especially important at 50+, because most of my clients already have lives they value. They have friends, family, work, hobbies, travel, routines, and commitments.

The goal of dating isn’t to put all of that on standby in case somebody decides to show up. It’s to find someone wonderful who eventually becomes part of the good life you’ve already built.

So when someone dangles the possibility of a date, be open. Be warm. If you’d like to see them, say so.

But don’t stop your life.

Until there’s a time and a place, there’s no date to stop it for.

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to look for—and how to respond when someone shows you who they are. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

You can watch it here: 

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

 

Photo by Carole Hachet for Unsplash