How Not To Suck At Dating (special double issue)

That huge sucking sound you heard last weekend might have been my friend’s date.  Having recently lost her home to fire, she was then invited to a movie about…the inescapable and fiery End Of The World.  Worse?  The guy knew both the movie plot and her personal circumstances. 

What does science say about successful-versus-sucky dates?  To put the dating world in your hands, or at least avoid imitating a Hoover, read on. 

Be Thoughtful

Mr. EOW (End Of World) might be a fabulous person, but his insensitivity ensured we’ll never know.  Likewise, telling a first date she’s “got a real nice fart box”, then proceeding to audibly pass wind, is an Epic Fail (I can’t make this stuff up!  See full survey results beneath my signature.). 

Conversely, any outing that conveys the idea, “I’ve been paying special attention to you and what you’d like” is a huge turn-on.  Women might find this particularly true, since thoughtfulness and sensitivity towards a specific woman is a global sign of men’s Willingness to commit —something on nearly every woman’s mating radar:   

 “My worst date was with a guy who took me to a vegan eatery. I wasn’t and still am not vegan. What made the date so bad was that he hadn’t asked about my food preference before deciding to take me there. It left me feeling irrelevant. Needless to say, that relationship was dead before it left the ground.”

“….[My best date] said he’d been thinking of what I’d like, and that he had planned accordingly. First we went to a biking trail I hadn’t known about, and then we rode our bikes to a tiny restaurant for my favorite kind of food.  It wasn’t expensive, the whole date probably cost him $20 tops, but he bowled me over because the date told me I was special to him.  The way he planned everything and wanted to surprise me, and the way he took delight in my reaction showed a lot of thought and care….I could tell he really wanted to impress me. He succeeded!”

Be Fun

There’s a reason nobody sorts socks on Date 1.  We tend to connect people to the events surrounding them —unconsciously deciding that if the surroundings are fun, you’re fun, and if the surroundings are a drag, you’re a drag.  Maybe it’s not fair, but it’s a basic aspect of human cognition.   

To wit, Mr. EOW also lost points for choosing something so depressing: “The world blew up and then the screen went to black.  The audience was silent, and not in a good way.”  (Sorry for the plot spoiler, but really, if you’re at a movie about the inescapable EOW, it’s not all that surprising when it ends with…the inescapable end of the world.)  His further attempts to get together were rebuffed in favor of a man whose idea of a good time was a better time.   

On the other hand, if you yourself are fun, that’s half the picnic and the venue might not matter much at all:

“The personality connection with the other person [made this date best]. We sat and talked and laughed for hours and at the end it seemed like we had only been there a short time…”

Be Exciting

Similarly, most folks confuse an exciting environment with excitement about *you*.  Basically, we notice our pounding hearts and (mis)judge that the sexy person nearby must be creating the stir.  In one famous experiment by Donald Dutton & Arthur Aron, a beautiful woman gave men her phone number on a shaky, narrow suspension bridge, and got phone calls later from over 60% of the guys.  But when she approached men on a low, concrete bridge, only half as many called.   

What this means for you?  The pursuer/planner (that’s you, guys) may heighten appeal just by heightening heart rates.   As long as it’s sensitive to your partner’s desires (see “Be Thoughtful” above), visiting theme parks, seeing action/adventure movies, or going hiking, biking, or skating can all be mood-enhancing dates.   

Be Generous

Men, bluntly put, this means you pay for the date—willingly, openly and in its entirety.  The occasion doesn’t have to be expensive (see “hiking, biking” above and numerous survey responses below), but it needs to be guy-funded if it’s early on in the relationship.  I’ve already written articles about this, and here’s the upshot:  Women are seeking a man who’s both able and willing to provide.  If you won’t even spring for a latte’, how willing or able can you be?  It’s woman repellant. 

 “….the guy pigged out [on free meat pizza at the bar] while I could not eat (I am vegetarian), then, when I said I was hungry, he said he could drop me off at a restaurant on the way home! He was clearly on a “budget” but it came across as very rude.”

Be Positive

Many, many studies have shown that at a core level, similarity attracts.  Highly similar pairs are the most likely not only to keep dating, but to fall in love, marry, and stay happily married for a lifetime. 

So be yourself. 

Unless yourself is a whiner or complainer or pessimist.  Then, you may need to pretend to be someone a bit more positive for the first few dates. 

As one woman wrote, “….He was so bitter, I asked him how long it had been since the divorce.  Ten years….”

Turns out, the less people know about you, the more heavily they weigh every scrap of info they do have—especially the bad stuff, such as “is still hung up on her ex,” or “can’t get along with his kids”. 

But we like likers.  People who are upbeat have a greater probability of finding themselves welcome for second, third and later dates.  And people who like *us* are particularly hard to resist. 

What this means for you?  Don’t criticize *anything* on the first two to three dates—not the dinner, not the location, not your former partners, and certainly not the person you’re out with. 

And if you like your date—the person or the event—say so.    Honest appreciation appeals.

Be Challenging

Women: Being appreciative doesn’t mean being easy. 

There’s never been a perfume called Desperation.  And there’s never been a faster way to reek of it than chasing a man by initiating calls, dates, or emotional commitments— or having sex with him before he’s said (without prompting) that he loves you and wants to be exclusive.

I’ve written numerous articles about this, but here’s the upshot: Being beautiful isn’t enough.  Mr. Right, as opposed to Mr. Right Now, is looking for signs that you’re faithful and high-status. If you’re throwing yourself at a guy, how faithful or high-status can you be? 

As one man said, “Easy: defined as acquiring one’s time, interest or sex with little to no effort….To the complex man, this is a turn off. We want to be challenged mentally, intellectually and even physically. If she comes in an attractive package, that is great but that is not paramount. Have I entertained easy women? Sure. Empty kisses as I call them. Like being hungry and eating fast food because you couldn’t get that home cooked meal you desired.  I stopped doing easy years ago.”

Be Curious

About the person you’re out with, that is.  Do we need science to tell us that people like to be listened to and heard; that conversation is a dialogue; and that the fastest way to appear fascinating is to be interested in others?   I hope not.  But some folks treat early dates as if they were charged with seeing how much they could talk about themselves:

“.…it was a monologue, and not an interesting one.  I waited to see how long it would take before he asked a question about me.  It never happened.” 

Bonus?  Listening well lets you screen carefully for who you want, and who you don’t. 

Be Good

Around the globe, men and women are mostly seeking the same qualities in a mate: kindness, lovingness, loyalty, and intellect that roughly matches our own.  Several decades of research show that the good guys (and girls) finish first; people who are basically kind and respectful are not only more desirable, they wind up having better marriages.  

This means that despite all the emphasis men place on a partner’s youth and beauty, and despite all the stress women place on a prospect’s wealth and education, we are more than busts and bottom lines.   Who you are inside matters.  After all, haven’t most of us met the person who was oh-so-alluring until they opened their mouths? 

“[My worst was] A blind date with a woman who was so obnoxious and racist, I ditched her at the restaurant. Not a proud moment for me, but I couldn’t imagine another 5 seconds with her.”

 “The worst was a blind date where the guy seemed like a total catch at first. He was tall, handsome, funny, educated, interesting, successful. But then he told me about the time he had seduced a virginal girl in his marriage bed, and he thought it was just so funny that the girl didn’t even know he was married….”

Show your worthy character.  Yes, youthful hotness can bring men near; education and income do attract women.  But it’s that ineffable Something about you, combined with core decency, that clicks with a special someone and keeps ‘em coming back for more:

“My [best date was the] first with my wife. From the moment we saw each other, we felt like we’d known each other all our lives.”

Wise Readers, may the click be with you—the suck be far from you—and the EOW remain in a galaxy far, far away.

Cheers,

Duana

—SURVEY RESULTS: BEST & WORST DATE SURVEY—

With thanks to all the Wise Readers who answered privately or on-site at the survey

Survey respondents were asked to “Please take a moment to answer this brief 4-item questionnaire and tell me your best and worst dating experiences—and what made them that way.  Your answers will be anonymous and may be quoted for next week’s LoveScience on Dating Greatness.”

N = 19 people took the survey and numerous others emailed me privately or posted on my wall at Facebook.  The numeric results are based only on those who answered at the survey site, but all the comments I received, in the survey and privately/Facebook, are here.

Gender = 10.5% were male; 89.5% were female

Age = 42.1% were age 35-44

            21.1% were age 45-54

            15.8% were age 25-34

            10.5% were age 65-74

            5.3% were age 18-24

            5.3% were age 55-64

Answers to question, What was your best date? And what made it that way?

Woman, age 25-34: When I was dating my husband, I lived 2 hours south for college, and he would come down on Wednesdays for our ‘date.’ Since it was a 2 hour drive, he would typically get a campsite to sleep at overnight so he didn’t have to drive back - which meant we had a longer date. He’d pick me up from school and we’d hang out. Best Date: He set up a campsite in advance, brought food to cook and everything needed to cook it on the campfire…awesome food! even brought a DVD to watch on his laptop out under the stars. He didn’t plan this but we noticed shooting stars while out there and later he researched and found that it was the Percius Meteor Shower! How awesome is that? Totally unplanned! After the date he drove me back to my dorm…and we walked on the campus a little while. We had a past in swing dancing so he started singing “Fly Me To the Moon” and took my hand and danced with me right on campus - singing the words softly in my ear as we danced slowly under the stars. That song ended up being our First Dance at our wedding because that night stood out so much for us! The quality time is what made it the best…and the planning ahead that showed he was thoughtful about our date together.

Woman, age 35-44: Best was in my early twenties, dating an AF pilot who said he couldn’t come visit for my birthday. Girl friend and I are acting like silly teenagers dancing and singing as we enter the apartment. I flip on the light and go into the dark kitchen running right into said guy. He had flown in and broke into my apartment. He had champagne and fruit. The next night we went to a small French restaurant in Alamo Heights. Only a dozen tables in the place. Great food, awesome conversation and treated like I was special.

Woman, age 45-54: best date - a weekend’s worth of long talks, walks, and getting to know each other. Set the groundwork for a relationship that now includes marriage.

Woman, age 55-64: Walking around the Queen Mary ship with my sweetheart. A lovely day.

Woman, age 35-44: This man I’d been out with once before and known a few months planned a date where the destination would be a surprise. He said he’d been thinking of what I’d like, and that he had planned accordingly. First we went to a biking trail I hadn’t known about, and then we rode our bikes to a tiny restaurant for my favorite kind of food.  It wasn’t expensive, the whole date probably cost him $20 tops, but he bowled me over because the date told me I was special to him. The way he planned everything and wanted to surprise me, and the way he took delight in my reaction showed a lot of thought and care, and he had me pegged because I really enjoyed everything. The conversation was great too. I could tell he really wanted to impress me. He succeeded!

Woman, age 45-54: There have been a LOT over the years. But probably the one that set the tone for all the ones to follow was Jr/Sr. prom, my Jr. year. The dance was lovely, but my date (now my husband of 23 years…) took me to dinner at the country club beforehand. He had taken the time to arrange things with the staff so that we had drinks and appetizers at the table. He was nervous, but attentive, and generally made me feel like a princess! Looking back, nothing he did was spectacular on its own, but knowing that he took time with the little details, and made such an effort to ensure that I had a good time made it a date to remember!

Woman, age 25-34: My best date would have to be….a casual one. A spontaneous trip to a pool hall. Lots of fun, easy conversation and it brought out my competitiveness. The reason I would consider this my best date is purely because of the chemistry we shared. It was very enjoyable and very intense!

Man, age 35-44: My first with my wife. From the moment we saw each other, we felt like we’d known each other all our lives.

Woman, age 45-54: It wasn’t a romantic date, but it was dinner with a friend of the opposite sex I had not seen for a long time. We went to dinner, got really engrossed in a conversation about the psychology of relationships and what we learned, and wound up hanging out various places about town for about 7 hours enjoying getting reacquainted. It didn’t turn romantic, but I would love to find a partner who I could talk excitedly with for hours like that about things we’re both really interested in!

Woman, age 65-74: My blind date was a perfect gentleman who brought roses even though he had no way of knowing if he’d like me or not. He was upbeat and gracious…still is sixteen years later, fourteen of which we’ve been married.

Man, age 35-44: The personality connection with the other person. We sat and talked and laughed for hours and at the end it seemed like we had only been there a short time. A great date is more about the people involved and not the location.

Woman, age 25-34: At the Oasis in Austin, My boyfriend (now husband) proposed to me on 1 knee at sunset my engagement ring was brought out to me on my dessert….. Everyone knew but me, (this was before they did the re-built after the original fire so we had a whole deck to ourselves) When I said yes I heard everyone clapping and everyone at the restaurant was looking over the balcony at us. It was so magical…

Woman in her 40’s:  i’m a little late on this, and looking forward to the article. My one piece of advice to men is this: YOU pay the dinner bill. All of it. Generously. And without audible complaint. Period.

Woman, age 45-54: College…dinner and a movie. Great conversation. Was home before 10, but had the BEST time. Guy called me after he realized it was so early to see if I wanted to go do something else. I was happy to end the evening on such a positive note that we just left it that way and stayed friends. Funny side note…he was the guy who showed me around campus with my parents for our campus tour a few years earlier. :)

Woman, age 35-44: My best date ever was with my now husband; well before marriage was an idea. He picked me up for dinner, and then afterwards we drove around town listening to music in his car, talking endless about any and everything. What made the date great was that it enabled us to build confidence in one another from day one. We couldn’t really stare at each other, nor were there any distractions. It was just us, in the dark, learning about one another.

Woman, age 65-74: My best date occurred when I was newly engaged to my husband. He did not normally *plan* dates…we’d drive around, have a bite to eat, go to one of the clubs in town for a beer. But this time, he DID make a plan. *Hello Dolly* with Carol Channing was playing the Brady in Tulsa. He purchased 6th row center seats. We could see the roof of her mouth. What made the evening so wonderful is that my sweetheart was an Athlete. Sports…playing them, reading about them…was all he cared about. But he knew I was a Drama Mama, loved theatre, had worked in theatre. He planned this evening for Me…and not in the balcony. He spent very little money, purchased his car with cash…so these seats were an extravagance for him. And not even anything he’d have been interested in normally. What a gift…what a delightful evening…what a wonderful date!!!!

Woman, age 35-44: with my to-be husband. anticipation, a fantastic (new year’s eve) party at a great house, good music, laughter, friends, good drinks, and a very…cozy little powder room ;)

Woman, age 35-44: Sitting in front of the computer with my husband and watching various Youtube videos. We spent time together and laughed for hours.

Woman, age 35-44: After a hockey game and hanging out at home, my boyfriend and I started discussing our relationship. I told him I knew we were going to spend the rest of lives together, but I wanted to hear it from him every now and then. His reply was a marriage proposal. It was spontaneous and amazing and he had been planning it for weeks waiting for the right time.

Woman, age 18-24: A date with the man I am with now. We were at a fun, open place with a lot of people around, not many quiet moments. We had so much in common and were laughing the whole time - we had great conversation and I honestly didn’t care if the venue was fancy or bar-like. It was my company that made it amazing. We were like instant best friends, and we even joke now “Are you sure we aren’t related?” He texted me that evening and the next day to tell me how much fun he had and he hoped we could do it again very soon - like that next day. He’s great.

Answers to question, What was your worst date? And what made it that way?

Woman, age 25-34: A country boy going through the State Trooper Academy asked me out on a date. He showed up and complimented me on my cowgirl attire (Rocky Mountain jeans were still in style). He said, “Damn baby, you got a nice fartbox!” “HUH?” I replied. “You got a nice fartbox”……”you got a nice ass.” he finally clarified for me. “uh, Thanks?” We proceeded to his truck where he opened the driver side door for me so I could ride next to him (sweet)….then gets in and farts! WTH? Seriously?! Not sure why I didn’t end the date right then. We went and ate dinner and then went dancing at a country bar downtown. When we arrived, a bunch of his buddies from the academy were there. The DJ announced that the next song was dedicated to my date and proceeded to play “Itty Bitty” by Alan Jackson! What a way to end the night! Needless to say I never found out if it was only a joke or not….I can say that this is my most memorable date ever!

Woman, age 55-64: There were 2: one was when I literally felt that my boyfriend at the time was going to hit me. Pig. The second was when a date asked to use my restroom and I soon felt he was almost demanding sex; creepy. Luckily, he left. God, I felt so relieved.

Man in his 50’s: I was 20, she was 18 and a month away from graduating from high school. Her dad was a blue collar, hard-nose SOB. It was Friday night. After a nice dinner and a couple of hours at the strip [drags], we drove up in the hills, parked the car at the back of the University’s athletic parking lot, facing the beautiful view of San Francisco and the bridges. That big old Charger had a big engine and a huge bench seat. I took advantage of both, often. We got it on. Homerun! Got our pants back on and was ready to head home when … the hot rod’s engine wouldn’t start. Dead battery. No one around. It was late. Walked to the pay phone, called all my friends and brothers. No one home. Finally, desperate, we called her dad. I never lied so well, as I tried to explain why the car was parked all the way to the back of the huge parking lot, facing the scenic view and why we were out there so late. It worked. I survived and dated her another 3 months. I honestly thought I was going to die that night.

Woman in her 40’s: He stiffed me with the bill and I never wanted to see him again. 

Woman in her 40’s: He complained non-stop about his work, his parents, his terminally ill sister, and his ex-wife.  He was so bitter, I asked him how long it had been since the divorce.  Ten years.  When I said no to a second date, he sniveled, “It figures.”

Woman, age 45-54: Assuming you don’t want to hear the date rape stories…the worst date I ever went on was with a guy who obviously had no idea who or what I was about except that he thought I was hot. The conversation was awkward. He wound up not having any money. He’d obviously not put one moment of thought into where we were going or what we were doing, and I couldn’t wait to finish eating and get home! Horrific!

Woman, age 18-24: Nice sushi restaurant - not only did I have to pick up my date (because he neglected to tell me he didn’t own a vehicle until I “met him at work to go”) but about 5 minutes into the date he began telling me about his ex-gf that he is still hung up on, and how he hopes they can stay friends if he sees other people. He didn’t eat b/c “stress makes him not hungry” (Stress over his ex), and when I was driving him home when we arrived at his apartment complex he proceeded to duck down and told me to drive around the complex again b/c he saw his gf’s brother in the parking lot and was worried he would see “him with another girl”. At that point I slammed the brakes and told him to get the hell out of my car - he was shocked. After multiple apologies and attempts to explain himself I had to push him out of my car, and I changed my phone # after multiple calls and voicemails. HORRIFIC.

Man, age 35-44: A blind date with a woman who was so obnoxious and racist, I ditched her at the restaurant. Not a proud moment for me, but I couldn’t imagine another 5 seconds with her.

Woman in her 40’s: he talked only of himself, his problems, his family’s problems, what he liked, what he didn’t…it was a monologue, and not an interesting one.  I waited to see how long it would take before he asked a question about me.  It never happened.

Woman, age 45-54: Went on a second date with a Match.com guy. I loved that he encouraged me to pick whatever we did, which was go to an artsy play. However, he did a lot of things that turned me off: 1) We planned that I would pick him up, and he invited me to come over early to have a glass of wine before we left. Um, no thank you, Mr. Roofie. 2) At dinner he talked at length about himself and his all-consuming hobby as a conspiracy-theorist. 3) He did not have cash when we went to the play box-office, and because they didn’t accept credit-cards, he had to ask me to pay for our tickets. 4) He called the next day from very near my house to see if he could stop by to reimburse me for the play tickets. I was so uncomfortable at having him anywhere near my house!!

Woman in her 40’s: My worst date involve flying squid. Top that, peeps.

Woman, age 45-54: worst date - guy took me to a free dance lesson (that part not bad) on the back of his motorcycle (still not bad). It was dinner time and they had a little bit of free meat pizza as refreshments. We ordered a drink, which he asked if we could split. Then the guy pigged out [on meat pizza at the bar] while I could not eat (I am vegetarian), then, when I said I was hungry, he said he could drop me off at a restaurant on the way home! He was clearly on a “budget” but it came across as very rude.

Woman, age 35-44: Worst date was getting a phone call,”I’ve come to visit.” Picking said unexpected visitor from JAX and he drank WAY too much Gin and OJ at dinner with two of my friends. He passed out on couch. During the night he was sick all over himself and my uncle’s couch. He curled up on the vomit covered couch and was sick some more. Next day having to clean all of that up was awful. Both of us were embarrassed and communication was shut-down. He cut his visit short at my insistence. He slept at the airport that night waiting for a morning flight. He was unannounced and drunk.

Woman, age 35-44: with someone recently divorced - at his house. apparently he wanted me to slip right into the role of his former wife. cooked together - well, kind of. he micromanaged terribly, then watched a movie - in his bed instead of the living room. then he decided he *really* needed me to shave his back. (he was a bodybuilder). i still can’t believe i did that. i actually kind of gagged a couple times while doing so, and i’m not one to have a weak stomach, lol. i got irritated when he asked me to also shave his arms while i was at it. from there it just got worse. we were making out and umm…he was kind of not well endowed and umm…was uh, finished without me even realizing it. and i sort of laughed in disbelief and he got MAD and started chasing me around. i was trying to grab my stuff, keys…he locked the front door. played a very scary little cat and mouse game till i could get to the garage door (the one between the main house and garage) - i slammed it like i had run out it and then slipped back into the kitchen. he went into the garage…i locked the door behind him then ran to the front door…unlocked it and got to my car, locked the door just as he reached it (he had used the garage door opener to come out the big door). i started backing up fast and he flung himself on the hood of the car. i laid on the horn, wipers on, sprayed the windshield, etc…he slid off as i took the corner of the driveway in reverse - and i floored it the f*ck away from psycho dude really damn fast. !!!! good times.

Woman, age 65-74: This man was a complete jerk…homophobic (my beloved son is gay), negative attitude about life in general, cheap with money, and a horrible dresser. Needless to say, there was only one date, and I didn’t/couldn’t even last for an hour!

Man in his 40’s: My fave is I had an online date and it turned out that she had done community service for me and didn’t even know it until I reminded her of it. No 2nd date, lol.

Woman, age 35-44: High school prom. My date took me to a drainage ditch by the side of the highway in an old pickup truck (hard to climb into in a formal) thinking he was being romantic because I had told him a great romantic evening for me would be on a beach.

Man, age 35-44: Our personalities did not click from the first moment. She had the personality of my shoe. I tried to start conversation about a multitude of subjects but most responses I received were one word answers. After a while, I gave up, ate my dinner and wished her good luck on her future endeavors.

Woman, age 35-44: My worst date was with a guy who took me to a vegan eatery. I wasn’t and still am not vegan. What made the date so bad was that he hadn’t asked about my food preference before deciding to take me there. It left me feeling irrelevant. Needless to say, that relationship was dead before it left the ground.

Woman, age 45-54: Went to a dance and he left me to keep his ex-wife from beating me up. Didn’t know about the ex-wife until after the “date.” Thought he just left me. How twisted is this…my DAD was the one who told me about the ex! This guy was a friend of the family and his family really wanted him to get in good with our family. I think their family tree might be a little on the straight side. Just reread this…where is my cut for a story line on a soap opera!

Woman, age 65-74: My worst date was when I lost my virginity. The boy with whom I was *dropped* in college had no car, no money. His idea of a *date* was to borrow a car & *Go Bushin’*…which means head to the bushes on a back road & pet heavily, doing all in his power to conquer me. On the last day of spring semester my sophomore year, I naively mentioned we needed to get together that evening. Little did I know that *Get Together* was the code word for *Do the Deed.* That Date involved walking out to the golf course carrying a blanket & a thermos of Tom Collins, spreading the blanket under a tree, having a drink, and sprawling on the ground as he broke my cherry. OUCH!!! Hurt like Hades. There wasn’t even any foreplay, not even some cheese & fruit. Yuck.

Woman, age 35-44: The worst was a blind date where the guy seemed like a total catch at first. He was tall, handsome, funny, educated, interesting, successful. But then he told me about the time he had seduced a virginal girl in his marriage bed, and he thought it was just so funny that the girl didn’t even know he was married. I sat there agog as he related further tales of amorality, consciencelessness, and lying. Then he claimed to have forgotten his wallet. So I paid to keep company with that scumbag. Believe it or not, he wanted another date. Kept calling and calling. I never answered.

Woman, age 25-34: Not a typical date form, but my now hubby (then very new boyfriend) took me to meet his family, and we all went on a nature hike right after having a huge breakfast. Mid walk I had to passionately go to the restroom in the most urgent way. Let’s just say I didn’t make it. We joke about that still, about how I came in to the family by messing in my pants.

Woman, age 35-44: After divorcing my first husband, I went out with a guy who bragged about not paying child support or seeing his children. He got upset that I didn’t even want a goodnight kiss. He expected more because he spent money on me. He didn’t even understand why I wouldn’t respond to his phone calls though I had told him that ignoring his children was horrible and that he should help support them.

Woman in her 30’s: He asked me to coffee for our first date, and he stood back and waited for me to pay for mine.  Ugh.  He seemed genuinely confused when I said no to his suggestion that we go out again.

Man in his 40’s: Easy: defined as acquiring ones time, interest or sex with little to no effort. 
To the simple man, this is fine. To the needy man, this is great. To the complex man, this is a turn off. We want to be challenged mentally, intellectually and even physically. If she comes in an attractive package that is great but that is not paramount. Have I entertained easy women? Sure. Empty kisses as I call them. Like being hungry and eating fast food because you couldn’t get that home cooked meal you desired.

I stopped doing easy years ago. Alone became a better feeling to wake up with. I am often out and come across both kinds of women. The ones with depth win my admiration more than I would ever let them know. The easy ones get my sympathy. I imagine how they got to that point and hope they one day realize they can win and keep a man without this means. 

I remember taking a drunk girl home once who all but told me to take her home and have my way. I took her home but didn’t touch her. After her assumption of thinking I was gay. Lol. I let her know I enjoyed our conversation and if we ever were intimate, I wouldn’t want it to be a drunken encounter. She cried herself to sleep in my arms. I knew why. I took her home the next morning and we had a very lighthearted conversation. We didn’t exchange numbers and I never saw or heard from her again. I wondered how many times she had that scenario…under lesser circumstances.

Woman, age 25-34: It was the night of my birthday - and he’d already put me on ‘notice’ a few weeks/month before that he’d be proposing soon here. I was SURE it was going to be on my birthday. We had plans to go out. When he picked me up, he asked where I wanted to go eat?!? I was thinking to myself, “I can’t believe you don’t have that already picked out and arranged!” That should have been the clue. But we believe what we want to believe. I ended up picking a REALLY nice place to go in case it was the night he proposed. But we got to the end of the date and he never did. In fact, I was so mad as we were leaving the restaurant, I told him just to take me home. So we didn’t hang out any further and he totally took me home and left. Worst Date Ever. Mainly due to my unrealistic expectations…and inability to follow the obvious cues that he wasn’t doing it (the proposal) that night. Funny thing is, I always swore I wouldn’t be “one of those girls” that acted that way. :)

 All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011

Do you have a question for Duana?  Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com

Related LoveScience articles, researchers and explanations behind today’s column can be found at links throughout this entry.