5 Reasons Texting is Toxic to Dating

Clutch your pearls and adjust your monocle, because I’m about to recommend a piece of dating technology many people apparently believe went extinct sometime around the fax machine.

The telephone.

Not texting on it. Calling someone.

I know. So 1900s.

But when my clients are dating, I encourage them to get off texting and onto an actual phone call before meeting. 

Texting is terrific for “I’m running five minutes late” or “I had a wonderful time tonight.” But as a way to get to know someone? Notsomuch. 

Here are five reasons I don’t recommend it.

1. Texting makes hiding easy.

A scammer can text you. So can the already-partnered. So can someone who’s talking with eight other people and sending some version of Good morning, beautiful to all of them before breakfast.

A phone call doesn’t prove someone is single or sincere. Married people own phones. Players have vocal cords. But real-time conversation requires time and attention, and makes hiding harder.

You can send five people a text while you’re waiting for coffee. You can’t have five 30-minute conversations at once.

Time and attention cost something. See whether someone will spend some on you.

2. Texting creates false intimacy before they’ve earned the real thing.

You’ve never met—or you’ve met once—but suddenly they’re in your pocket all day.

Good morning!
How did your meeting go?
Sleep well ❤️

It feels intimate. And that’s the problem.

Texting can make someone feel familiar before you’ve earned familiarity with each other. Soon you’re accustomed to their availability.

They usually text by eight. It’s 9:15. 

Yesterday there was a heart. Today there is no heart. 

What does it MEAN?

Congratulations: A near-stranger can now alter your mood from across town.

I call this the electronic leash, or e-leash if you prefer (Perhaps Apple will trademark the iLeash? I digress.). You’re not partners yet. You don’t need continuous access to each other.

3. Texting creates misunderstandings nobody needed to have.

Quick. Tell me what this means:

Fine.

Human beings communicate through tone, timing, emphasis, pauses, laughter, hesitation, warmth, facial expression, and body language. Text strips most of that away, and your brain helpfully fills in what’s missing.

Sometimes incorrectly.

The joke looks insulting. The brief answer looks dismissive—angry, even. The period at the end of the sentence looks ominous. The lack of a period looks illiterate. 

On a call, you get considerably more information, including whether misunderstandings can be repaired while they’re happening.

4. Texting lets someone audition. Calling lets you meet them.

A text can be written, deleted, rewritten, sent to a friend for review—and now, handed to AI with the instruction, “Make me sound warm, witty, and emotionally available.”

But you aren’t choosing someone’s texts as your life partner. You’re choosing the (we hope) human being who writes them.

Can they sustain a conversation? Listen? Follow a thought? Understand your humor? Think on their feet? Are they curious? Warm? Interesting? Do they recall what you’ve said from one conversation to the next? Do any dealbreakers emerge? Do you enjoy talking with them?

Because you want to know the real them, not the curated text version. Plus, if they annoy you in 20 minutes by phone, you probably don’t need two hours in person to confirm it.

5. Asking for a call gives you instant information.

Tell someone:

“I don’t really get to know people by texting. I’d love to talk by phone—how about tomorrow at 8 pm?” 

Then watch.

“Sure! I’ll call you then” is good; so is, “Sounds good, but is 7 a possibility?” 

But if they dodge, refuse, or pressure you to communicate the way they prefer, you don’t need to diagnose why. You’ve already got useful information. 

Sooner or later, every relationship requires two people to navigate different wants, needs, and preferences. If a simple phone call becomes a point of contention before you’ve even met, pay attention. You just learned something about their willingness to hear what matters to you and respond with care.

You’re not really screening for whether someone likes phone calls. You’re screening for whether they can do relationships.

So use that handheld computer we call a phone—as a phone. Set up a call. You may learn more in 20 minutes than you would from 200 texts.

And isn’t that the point?

Dating gets a lot easier when you know what to notice—and what to do with the information you’re getting. If you’re 50-plus, I’ve made a free 15-minute training to help you find and choose the right person without settling or falling back into old patterns.

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Photo by Fumiaki Hayashi on Unsplash