photo by Audrey Alberthal
Wise Readers,
Being able to communicate clearly and effectively so your partner wants to listen and help meet your needs is a learnable skill. Its foundation is simple, but most of us weren’t raised with it. In consists of:
a) becoming aware of your feelings (ie, noticing that you are having an emotion)
b) putting your feelings into words, and
c) effectively sharing those words with your partner.
To achieve this, you need a feelings vocabulary—a list you’ll see on the next page.
I recommend sharing your feelings every day as a couples ritual; if you don’t have a partner, you can do the exercise in a journal to prepare for a healthy relationship.
Every evening, as you share the events of the day, take turns expressing how you felt through the day. It may sound cringey, but it grows connection.
Example: “I felt frustrated when my boss asked me if I’d done the work I had put on their desk yesterday. It made me feel unheard, unimportant, disregarded, and irrelevant.”
Include positive feelings: “I felt grateful for the rain today.” “I felt turned on, adored, and connected with you when we made love tonight.”
When sharing your feelings becomes second nature about life in general, that makes it much easier to communicate difficult feelings when they’re about something you need from your partner.
Focusing on your feelings (not your partner’s failings) makes it less likely that you will put your partner on the defensive, and likelier that your partner will willingly do what they can to meet your needs. The formula is: I felt __ when ____ happened, and I need ___________.
Examples: “I felt a little insecure when you dropped my hand in front of your ex. Can we talk more about that?”
“I am exhausted and really need to relax right now. I understand that you want to go out. Can I rest for an hour and then head out with you?”
This focus on feelings comes off as “I need something—please help me,” instead of, “You’re not good enough—there’s something wrong with you.” Leading with feelings will help you grow your connection.
Again—remember to share positive feelings too! A good partner will do more of what they know works, and they will enjoy being affirmed by the one they love.
This need to identify, put into words, and share your entire array of feelings is especially true if you have a non-Secure attachment style. Research proves that stating feelings tends to reduce their power over us. Because Anxious and Avoidant attachers tend to overidentify with their emotions and get overwhelmed by them, saying what you feel is a big win.
Also, when non-Secure attachers bring up something uncomfortable, they tend to wait until it’s a big deal, and then present issues in a critical way—ultimately making the relationship less intimate, more disconnected, and more likely to end. Research-proven!
So here’s a handy list of feelings, by category. Feel free to print it out and use it every day with your partner! Your contentment, connection, and security with each other will grow.
FEELINGS: Happy, useful, connected, pleasant:
Content/Happy: Peaceful Calm Relaxed Thoughtful Serene Pensive Responsive Sentimental Grateful Thankful Rich
Pleased Satisfied Like I have everything I need Appreciative Yay!
Relieved Hopeful Optimistic Cheerful Gleeful Open
Surprised Happy Elated Thrilled Excited Joyful
Adventurous Daring Playful Entertained Tickled Fun
Amazed Amused Hilarious/funny Like LMAO Schadenfreude
Useful/Worthy/Strong: Generous Nurturing Helpful
Productive Inspired Invigorated Encouraged A sense of meaning
Vigorous Energized Energetic Eager Honored
Like I’m doing something worthwhile Like I’m making a difference
Self-actualized Effective Supportive Humbled
Successful Powerful Heroic Confident Competent
AccomplishedImportant Smart Respected Proud
Worthwhile Valued Trustworthy Creative Inspiring
Fulfilled Grounded Whole High self-worth
Self-respecting Respectful Healthy Valuable
Authentic Honored Admired Like the ruler of the universe
Connected/Loving/Horny: Safe Secure Supported Loving
Like you’ve got my back Like we’re a team Intimate Appreciated
Loved Faithful Loyal Trusting Trusted Affirmed
Like I belong Close to you Nurtured Cared for Cherished Adored Adoring Adorable Accepted Aroused Attractive Comfortable
Attracted to you Sensuous Turned on Flirtatious Sexy
Like I’m so lucky to be with you Present Engaged Understood
Heard Romantic Affectionate Kind Respectful Considerate Sympathetic Complete Empathetic Comforted
Like a sex god(dess) Wanted Passionate Spoiled Passionate
Like I can’t get enough of you
Like makin’ love (da da DA, da da DA, da da Da)
Other: Focused Forthright Alert Intense Stimulating Stimulated
Awed Touched Moved Intrigued Curious Impressed
Inquisitive Fascinating Fascinated Interesting Interested Relieved
Like the pressure is off Like doing nothing all day Like bingeing Netflix
FEELINGS: Mad, scared, sad, unpleasant:
Mad: Upset Agitated Annoyed Irritated Crabby Frustrated
Resentful Defensive Irate Judgmental Angry Skeptical
Critical Hostile Insulted Righteously indignant
Appalled Disgusted Horrified Furious Infuriated
Enraged Like I want to scream
Scared:Anxious Nervous Concerned Worried Insecure Overwhelmed
Afraid Frightened Panicked Wary Leery Helpless
Alarmed Tense Apprehensive Concerned Shy Cautious
Like I need you to say it will be okay Like I might lose [you/my job/etc.]
Like I don’t know what to do
Sad: Like crying Hopeless Pessimistic In despair Despondent Depressed
Discouraged Miserable Hurt Grief-stricken In denial Disbelief
Shocked Like it’s too much to take in Like I want to make it all go away
Like I want things to go back to the way they were before Exhausted Tired
Empty Apathetic Bored Yearning Longing Like I miss you
Rejected (may be a combination of fear, anger, and sadness): Lonely Alone
Isolated Lost Disconnected Unheard Misunderstood
Confused Bewildered Jealous Envious Inferior Ridiculous
Ridiculed Attacked Betrayed Harassed Picked on Insignificant
Outcast Unappreciated Unwanted Taken for granted
Abandoned Unaccepted Neglected Alienated Distant from you
Like you don’t like me Like I need a little space Like I need more closeness
Shamed/Guilty/Inferior:Ashamed Inadequate Sorry Regretful Weak
Embarrassed Foolish Subordinate Submissive Stupid Like a fraud
Like a failure Unattractive Like this outfit makes me look fat
Other:Uncomfortable Stuck Surprised Stunned Baffled Selfish
Longing Yearning
From the article “Communicating Your Feelings So Your Relationship Thrives”
By Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Sources for feelings list:
The Feeling Wheel, by Dr. Gloria Willcox
Dr. John Gottman & Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman
Tina Gilbertson, LPC
Dr. Duana Welch
Researched, organized, and expanded by Dr. Duana Welch, 2021
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http://thedailyorbit.com/how-to-use-the-gottman-method-to-improve-your-relationship-090915/
Share Article Print Article Permalink tagged Communication, Gottman, Marriage, Relationship Building For Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, transformation began in the lab…then at home…and now, globally. Stuff you never knew about the power couple behind the first scientifically validated couples therapy, new at RedOrbit and The Daily Orbit:
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