Stepmonsters: Setting boundaries and understanding motivations in a stepfamily (Stepmarriage Q&A)

Wise Readers,

How can you save your marriage even if Biodad won’t get on the same Team and offer up a united front to the kids?  Bioparents and biokids need alone-time—but why might stepdad/stepkid alone-time be dangerous?  What if you know you don’t like the kid—should you get married anyway?  Is there an evolved psychology behind Evil Stepmothering?  How long does it take to make Steps feel like Family?  And how many baggages can you carry? 

 Read on!

From Jackie:   What If Biodad Has Different Rules For *His* Kids Than Mine? 

How would your advice differ if both members of the couple have children, but the wife has problems with how the dad parents his (older) bio-kid(s).  I also realize that children are individuals, but how would you address different tolerances or “house rules.”  Is it fair for one set of bio-kid(s) to know that the other set can get away with more, or can pitch in around the house less?

Stepmom2’s response:  Teamwork.  Teamwork.  Teamwork. 

Being a step parent is one of the hardest things for a person to become. I have 2 bio children and my husband has 2 bio children and we had 1 together. We both have to work at being great parents to all the children equally. It is hard and it comes with great sacrifice, but also great reward. Step children will always try and get away with whatever they can with the step parent. The one thing I can’t stand is to be told, “but dad said I can”. The number one advice I can give is for You and your wife to get on the same Team… I learned very quickly that if the kids see us arguing over them, they gain power quickly. Me and my husband still work on this everyday. But we have to put the kids aside and remember it is US against THEM. And if they see that WE are a team and what one says the other is going to agree on, then they will be less willing to push the envelope. I agree with Dr. Welch. You have to decide how important the relationship is to you. I also had to make that decision when I started to date a man with 2 kids of his own. Did I love him enough to love his kids? And they weren’t easy to love. Huge brats…spoiled rotten… But I decided that it was worth it. And once we decided to get on the same team and make the necessary changes, things started falling into place. We still work with the kids daily, and we have to remember that step parent is only a title and once you get out of that frame of mind, loving them like they were yours will be so much easier. I don’t know how long she was single before you two got married, but remember that it was just the three of them before you came into the picture. And she may have formed habits and a way to deal with her kids that worked for the three of them. What will be important is that she be open to evaluating the current living situation and hopefully see that what worked before with just the three of them doesn’t really work now that she has added a husband to the equation. Hang in there.

Duana’s response:  What If Biodad Won’t Join Up With Your Team?  (All Is Not Lost!)

Dear Stepmom2 and Jackie,

Thank you so much for your letters.  Stepmom2, your advice to Jackie and other stepparents is spot-on: Becoming a Team is ideal—some would say essential.  That’s actually true in research on all marriages.  Having a sense of We that is stronger than the sense of Me is critical to a marriage’s success.  Add kids —especially *other* people’s—to the mix?  And that becomes doubly true.  Abe Lincoln knew a house divided cannot stand; marriage researchers confirm that’s not just for politics. 

Jackie, I love your questions: “how would you address different tolerances or “house rules.” Is it fair for one set of bio-kid(s) to know that the other set can get away with more, or can pitch in around the house less?”

As I suspect you realize already, No, it is not fair for the rules to differ under your roof. 

Kids usually adjust quickly to the fact that the rules will likely be different at their now-divorced parents’ separate homes.  Dad and his new family will have one set of rules; Mom and her family will have a sometimes quite different set of expectations. 

BUT under your roof—the one their bio-dad, stepmom, and sibs share—there needs to be a consistent set of rules for everyone.  Yes, as kids get older, they get more privileges and in that sense the rules can differ.  But beyond that logical age-based distinction, there should be consistent expectations at your house, regardless of whose kids are whose.  To do otherwise is to have almost everyone, including or perhaps especially the adults, in battle and filled with resentment, when presumably you want a happy home. 

Upshot?  You and your husband need to get on the same Team.  I recommend Gottman’s “The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work” as the top research-backed book on the subject.  It’s fantastic.  Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/John-Gottman-Nan-Silver-Relationship/dp/B0084PUMY2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1368113188&sr=8-2&keywords=the+seven+principles+for+making+marriage+work

But wait!  There’s more!  What if your husband just plain can’t or won’t get on your Team about this?  Then don’t give up hope for peace in your lives.  Instead, learn how to make peace in your own life whether or not he participates, and regardless of the kids’ behavior.  The book to get?  Stepmonster: A new look at why real stepmothers think, feel, and act the way we do.  Here’s the link:  http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/0618758194/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368113222&sr=1-1&keywords=stepmonster+by+wednesday+martin

Jackie, this book is un-missable.  It’s a research-based look at the basic conflicts that play out for the wife in a stepmarriage where you’re interacting with your husband’s kids, and it takes into account a lot of factors other books don’t even mention, such as evolutionary psychology, background variables that predict success, which strategies yield which outcomes, etc. 

It turns out some kinds of stepfamilies have a lot more peace than others~and you can get a lot of peace for yourself and your own kids even if your husband and his kids think they’re not going along with that. 

Did you know there are some kinds of ex-wives who are much likelier to create problems in your new marriage (and with her kids in your house) than others?  Yes.  For instance, if your husband’s ex is mentally ill, unemployed, and/or single, you can almost count on her to be contentious and for your husband to feel and act torn.  Simply knowing what to expect can lighten your emotional load.  

Did you know  you can and should establish boundaries for your own benefit now—with your husband and his children?    Very Yes.  Stepmoms who refuse to put up with disrespect right from the start get the best results—but anyone can learn how to set effective boundaries (with husband, his ex, and stepkids) to get the most Peace in your lives. 

How to set those boundaries?  Determine what you will and will not abide, and live accordingly, being firm but not ugly about it. Tell your mate, “I’m hiring a housekeeper to even out the chores for everyone.”  “I’m setting a clean-up 10 minutes each evening for all the kids, and if yours refuse to participate, you will need to do all their driving to and from events for the week.”  Then do so.  Tell yourself, “When Peter disrespects me, I will say, ‘I cannot drive you to the ballgame because I cannot do things for people who are being disrespectful.’”  And then follow through.  Tell yourself, “I am making a deal with myself that when the kids are rude to me, I will deny their next request by politely saying I can’t do things for people who are rude to me, but I’ll reconsider after they’ve behaved more appropriately.”  Or, “When I ask my husband’s kids to do something, and they refuse, I will refuse their next request by politely noting that.”  Etc.  Basically, decide what your boundaries are.  And live thereby, keeping your tone and your line firm rather than mean.

Upshot? If your husband joins your Team, you might be able to get by without the Stepmonsters book.  But if he doesn’t?  You’re going to need that book if you want your sanity and your marriage.  I’ll bet it’s some of the best money you’ve ever spent.  And as a stepmom myself, I’ll tell you, it was downright liberating and validating for me! 

Go for it.

 From Todd Brooks:  A Stepfather’s Success Story

Great article, as usual. I am a father and/or step-father of six. At the time of our wedding, the living arrangement was mom, daughter, and step-dad. We read a couple of books, got some advice, and prayed a lot. Some of the advice worked great, some we had to tweak. Here are a few things I think are worthy of your consideration.

I did not come into the new relationship as disciplinarian in chief. The explanation of boundaries and consequences was still left to mom. This may hurt your machismo or even challenge some deeply held notions, but in my experience deviating from this course makes a bad situation worse. And besides,mom can’t “side” with the kids if you are on her side!

Second, my very wise wife made a point to make my arrival and continued presence a positive thing for Step-daughter. This may seem over simplistic or even silly, but very small things can help ease the tension. A favorite example is my wife buying new matching toothbrushes for the three of us. Really swanky, electric toothbrushes. She might also express her gratitude for some little honey-do in step-daughter’s presence (or at least earshot). These small gestures cement the decision that yes, you now have a step-dad, and no, your life is not over.

Finally, everybody needs special time with everybody else. Bio-mom and kid time, easy. Husband/wife time, fairly easy. Step-kid/step-dad time, tricky. This one did not come easy for us. But opportunities will present themselves. There will be school projects, boy trouble, car trouble, spending money, the list goes on and on. Without much additional effort, you may find yourself becoming indispensable to this human to which you have no blood-tie. Maybe even loved.

Good luck to you.

P.S. Our blended lifestyle did not end when step-daughter went off to college. My teenage son has since come to live with us. We might need to pick up another book.

 :-)

Duana’s response:  Kudos!  And Why Leaving The Kids Alone With Stepdad Can Be Risky Business

 Dear Todd, 

What a spot-on observation that “mom can’t “side” with the kids if you are on her side!” I love the matching-toothbrushes-as-unifiers of your blended family.

And I especially endorse your last point: Solid stepfamilies are a work of love expressed over time. Before forming my own stepfamily, I had read that it takes 3 years for most to feel ‘real’ (Now, of course, I can’t find the cite/site.). That was true in our family. However long or short a time it takes to develop closeness that feels like more than an act, it won’t be there on Day 1. But as you so eloquently and rightly said, over time and with some sustained effort “you may find yourself becoming indispensable to this human to which you have no blood-tie. Maybe even loved.” Sometimes folks have to fake it ‘til we make it—do the loving actions ‘til we feel the love. It’s worth it.

The only point where we might have a difference of opinion could be about whether stepkids need time alone with the stepparent. I strongly encourage people to listen to their gut on that one. The greatest danger most children will ever face is from non-genetically related men in the home—men who have total control over those kids.  The most severe cases of abuse (and murder) are typically committed by men who lose it in the moment. Usually, it’s a moment alone between a stepdad and an infant or toddler—the most dangerous combination by far for severe abuse and murder.

I’ve personally known a grown woman who was shaken by her stepdad as a baby while the biomom was out getting groceries; the anger the man felt was temporary, but his imprisonment was long and the girl’s brain damage is forever. Ditto leaving children who are stepsibs alone; The Wrong Stepdad is a top source of sexual/physical abuse, but The Wrong Stepbrother is in the mix, too.

And some studies show that even when abuse isn’t in the offing, the vibe between stepdads and stepkids can be bad enough that the kids leave home significantly earlier than kids in two-bioparent homes. 

In short, we’d expect that men, being less invested in very young children in general than women usually are, and being less invested in Other People’s Kids than in their own Genetic progeny—well, they probably won’t show the same level of care for young children that Biomom will.  And the non-Bio family member may even be dangerous. 

Upshot? The married folks need time alone. The bioparent and biokids need time alone. The stepdads and stepbrothers? May actually need to be monitored. Listen to your intuition, watch the kids’ reactions to the non-bio-relatives when you’re there—and behave accordingly.

From Mr. C.:  Baggage:  It’s A Fact Of Remarriage

As the biodad of a 3 y.o. girl who lives with me, and being in a year-long relationship with an amazing woman who also lives with me, I have a lot of sympathy for your reader. I thought I might comment on a couple of things:

1) These [kids from the LoveScience article about Stepparenting] are either teeners or pre-teens.Disobedience, surliness, and bad attitudes, are going to be expected, regardless of whether you are the bioparent or not. This I think plays into some of the unhappiness many parents feel about having kids—the little sweet ones you had are gone, and now you have these irritable beings stomping through the house, eating your food, and making messes. That’s fine when they’re 2, but it gets old at 10. The mom certainly must be struggling with her own loss of having teeners, and not the compliant little ones around, and I would be surprised if some of her discipline style wasn’t focused on smoothing things over quickly to keep that sense of having young ones, and not teeners, in the house;

2) As someone who has lost a child, and watched helplessly as his ex poisoned his two children during pregnancy with alcohol, I am fiercely protective and devoted to the safety of my daughter. From before her birth I was gearing up to be the sole parent. My trust and faith in my ex was long since gone when I met my new partner. I don’t know the conditions of your wife’s separation from her ex, but there is no getting around you inheriting some of that baggage. If there were trust and safety issues with the biodad, you are going to have to shoulder that burden. It is unfair, but it doesn’t make it go away, and you have to accept that burden in being in the relationship. The best you can do is to be patient, kind, trustworthy, and make good decisions. You also need to be respected, and the details of what that respect means have to be both fair and clear. My partner has won me over with her actions, not her words, and I can feel our tensions give way as we all settle into this new life. She is adopting a baby from overseas, was long into the process when we met, and so our entire dynamic will change when we have a new 10 m.o. in the house—and she is the legal parent. The hard work she and I have both put into being responsible, trustworthy, patient parents will pay off here—we both know what to expect from each other. Being reliable is probably the best thing you can do.

3) We can’t forget that many of us who were once married and are now divorced or separated were last single in our 20s. Being single in your 30s or 40s is a completely different animal, you and your partners now have a great deal of life experience, there are careers, families, health issues, etc. now in the mix. And it’s not just a different life style, that experience has brought confidence that one’s approach is the only right way. It also means a lifetime of baggage. We divorce hoping we can get into these sweet uncomplicated relationships we had when we were 20. Those days are gone. The relationships at 30, 40, 50… they are much more difficult to navigate. But if you can appreciate the subtle joys of meshing two adult worlds together, there is a great deal of joy there, including parenting. It is part of the greater life experience.

~C

Duana’s response:  Kinds Of Baggage Stepfamilies Have Known

Dear Mr. C., 
WOW.  That was beautiful.  Thank you for sharing your experiences, including the painful ones—and for sharing your wise advice. Here’s my response:

1. Teens Can Be A Pain No Matter Whose They Are!

Yes, Scott (from the article) married a woman whose older child was already in adolescence at the time of marriage. As you astutely pointed out, that means the kid was probably going to do some not-so-appealing things whether or not Biomom and Biodad stayed together; some acting-up is just part of the deal. And Stepdad doesn’t have all those years of having seen the boy being obedient, adorable and adoring prior to getting the Mean-Ager. Scott has jumped in with both feet, and the waters are choppy. I admire him for making the leap, and for continuing to Just Keep Swimming.

2. Baggage Comes From Many Sources

I think you were referring to Scott’s shouldering some of the weight for how the new wife might be healing from hurts in her prior marriage—a good point. But what you wrote applies at least equally to the stepparent-stepchild relationship.

Stepkids, especially those who are in their adolescence or beyond at the time of the wedding, often feel a strong bond of loyalty to the non-residential bioparent. That parent may be a ‘bad’ parent, a neglectful parent, even an abusive parent—but still, they’re the parent. They’re the parent to whom the child attached, developed loyalty, and is reacting to or against. And sometimes, the kid takes it all out on the Extra Mom or Extra Dad. Sometimes, the kids feel that loving both is a mark of disloyalty to one. And sometimes, they’re getting that input from the non-custodial bioparent.

Which brings us to another source of baggage: The Other Bioparent. Sometimes the influence is good: “Mind your stepfather, he’s trying to help you.” Sometimes, the influence widens a rift that was already large: “Don’t even think of calling him Dad.” or “You don’t have to do what he says, I’m your real father!”

Whatever the source of baggage, I think you’ve got a great solution, Mr. C.   Almost nobody can withstand a constant onslaught of love, patience and compassion.

Finally, Mr. C., your last paragraph about baggage from our own earlier lives is poetic. No, the relationships of the 30s and 40s aren’t as free of complications—with or without kids. And relationships with stepkids are complex no matter the adults’ ages. We bring to the table the sums of our experiences, our children’s experience, our former partners’ experiences, what we’re being told culturally, what our evolved psyches are instructing—

Yet done right, it’s all worth it. Thank you for putting it into such powerful words. 

From Gillian:   What About Evil Stepmothers?  (When something Wicked this way comes, where did it originate?)

Is there a “like” button on this site? I like Todd’s post. It seems that a loving attitude, as he so powerfully demonstrated, is an important element in successfully blending a family.  [And] I, too, applaud Scott’s efforts at step-parenting.

What about when the stepparent is a step-mother, rather than step-father? This exact issue came up over the weekend - a friend was lamenting how she loved this guy and soooo wanted to marry him, EXCEPT for the inconvenient fact he had a 13-year-old daughter.

My friend has no children of her own. This would not be a “Brady Bunch” second marriage where both partners enter the union with children from a previous marriage. Only the man has a child, and not exactly a healthy one, either. Unfortunately, the child has been clinically diagnosed with a mental illness. I’m afraid my friend is viewing her not as a child in pain, but as competition and … baggage.

Hmmm…. It’s not in my friend’s conscious desire to become an evil step-mother, but might it be in her genes …?

Do tell!

Lashawn’s response:  I had a Stepmonster

I was 17 years old when I got a stepmother. My sister and I called her the stepmonster behind her back. She was mean. She only wanted my dad, not us. I would urge the lady to think twice about getting married with a man when she doesn’t want a stepdaughter. Think about how the stepdaughter’s feelings. She is a person, too.

Duana’s response:  Putting The Evil In Stepmothers: 

Hi, Lashawn, 
Thank you for contributing the stepchild’s perspective in this. You did not deserve to be unloved, wished-away, by your stepmother.  As we’ll see, Gillian’s friend may have a psychologically inherited rationale for wanting to marry her boyfriend while disliking the would-be stepchild, but in my opinion, her moral reasoning is on extremely shaky ground. 

And Gillian, thank you for a perfect if perfectly sad question. Stepmarriages can work very well—but I don’t think your friend’s would be among them. Were she writing to me for advice, I would attempt to dissuade her from making any moving-in-type commitment with her present boyfriend until his daughter has grown up and lives on her own. Here’s why.

Stepmarriages are high-risk—your friend’s is moreso.

First of all (and we’ll get to the Evil Stepmother stuff in a bit), stepmarriages are already high-risk: according to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, 40% of first marriages end in divorce and 60% of seconds dissolve; many researchers note that this inflation of second-marriage divorce is strongly tied to the presence of stepkids in the home.  Second marriages sans stepkids are usually significantly more stable.

That alone wouldn’t get me to warn your friend off remarriage; note that 40% of remarriages do still work out, even with stepkids in the house. No, what makes me uneasy about your friend’s prospects are these:

1. Stepkids are much likelier than biokids to have mental illness, as your friend’s would-be-stepdaughter does; this is extremely likely to create an unusually high level of stress and conflict. And stress and conflict are bad for the marriage, the kid, and both the adults.

2. Your friend’s would-be stepchild is already a teenager. As I related to Mr. C. above, the divorce rate escalates if the new marriage begins at or after the stepkids’s adolescence. These kids are very likely to actively oppose the union before, during and after vows—and this may be especially true if the teen is already troubled or clinically mentally ill (see 1).

3. Add to that your friend’s acknowledged view of the 13-year-old as competition and baggage? And you’ve got the perfect storm.

Put another way, your friend would be entering the worst-possible odds for a brief, wretched union. And it’s not just her happiness she could wreck.

Indeed, based on what you’ve said, your friend has a higher-than-average probability of being a Wicked Stepmother. To get personal about this, I *wanted* my stepson and I referred to him as my son from the start.  But what about stepmoms who know from the outset that they really would rather this kid didn’t exist? We don’t need science to know that doesn’t bode well.   

At least one study (done in Ohio) found that only 1 in 4 stepmoms there felt any parental connection to their stepkids—yet over half of the stepdads felt parental attachments to the stepchildren. Why? There are several possibilities, and they relate to evolutionary psychology as well as social and cultural factors.

1. Evolved Psychology Factors for Wicked Stepmothering: 

Every culture in the world—no exceptions—has stories about not just the Lustful and/or Cruel Stepfather, but the Evil Stepmother: think Hansel & Gretel, or Cinderella. These Wicked Women aren’t necessarily murderous, but they are neglectful and hurtful. Women rarely kill or seriously physically injure stepkids—but watching your stepsisters receive every privilege while you clean out the chimneys is abusive in its own way, too. Even Webster’s Dictionary acknowledges the absence of good parenting stepmoms can represent; David Buss found one edition in which definition #2 of “stepmother” was “one who does not take proper care.”

Whenever a phenom is worldwide, steeped deeply in cultural lore and observations, there’s usually an inherited psychology behind it.

As we’ve seen in many, many LoveScience articles, it’s abundantly clear that women seek out a willing and able provider and protector for themselves and their own biokids. Finding such a partner handily resolves many of women’s inherited drives to survive and pass their own Genes successfully along.

So maybe Stepmom sees Stepchild as ongoing competition for Resources of time, attention, love, commitment and money.  In your friend’s case, her evolved psychology may be saying the child is a competitor against herself; in many other stepmoms’ lives, the perceived competition is against not only herself but her biokids.

I’d like to say we should ignore certain parts of our evolved psychology. No, I *am* saying it. We cannot help loving our own biokids most, but we most certainly can and should make sure the kids can’t tell. Just because we’ve inherited certain preferences doesn’t mean we should give them full rein when they increase suffering.

But your friend has been startlingly open with you. She doesn’t want this kid. Well, that’s probably not an option. I hope she will stay out of the middle of that father-daughter pair.

2. Social Factors for Wicked Stepmothering

There are social factors hampering your friend’s desire to raise a teen-age stepdaughter, too, of course; evolved psychology does not tell the full tale.

For instance, maybe she hasn’t spent much time with the stepdaughter. Most stepfamilies consist of a biomom, a stepdad and the biomom’s children. A family where the stepchildren live full-time with the biodad and the stepmom (ala Mr. C.) is quite uncommon in comparison—about a 1:10 ratio. Limited time and responsibility would tend to hamper some attachment when the kids come to visit Biodad and Stepmom only on alternating weekends.

Other social factors that might hinder your friend’s desire to stepparent could include the same things I listed to Scott: the laws yield very few rights to stepparents, so if the marriage did end, your friend would have invested herself in a girl she might not see anymore; the teen’s attachment to her biomom, the teen’s mental health, and the teen just being a teen can all lead to the stepchild herself actively opposing closeness with your friend; the non-custodial bioparent might try to undermine her efforts…it goes on and on.

So is it worth it? Well, it’s been worth it to me. It’s worth it to a lot of people. But when I look at the scenario you presented about your friend, I’d warn her off for a few more years.

Gillian’s response: 

Thank you, Duana, for a thoughtful and brilliant analysis. I agree that a marriage would be a mistake for my friend. However, she is convinced that all marriages come with some baggage, especially second ones. Since the daughter lives with her biomom most of the time, my friend hopes to minimize her interactions with the daughter. My friend is age 49, staring down 50 in just a few months. She probably feels this guy is her last, best hope. (She’s had 2 failed marriages already.) In 5 years, when the daughter is 18, my friend will be almost 55. While she claims she’s “IN LOVEEEE” with this man, I think she shouldn’t settle. Lash awn’s words were particularly poignant to hear - I hadn’t considered this from the stepdaughter’s viewpoint. It will be hard for my friend, but instead of investing years in a marriage likely doomed to fail, do you agree my friend should cut the relationship now and find one that’s a better fit …? Thank you again.

Duana’s response:

Gillian, I do.

That is, I don’t think your friend should say ‘I do’ with the man she’s now seeing. Not unless she can either Wait for the child to grow up and move out, or else come up with a cover so good, she can convince everyone she wants that man’s daughter in her life.

I can completely understand your friend’s not wanting to Wait. However, there are ways and means she may not have considered. For instance, I know a couple who had a scenario that was startlingly similar to your friend’s: teenage kids, some of them mentally ill; multiple prior marriages; etc. They decided that pursuing an immediate marriage would land them in divorce court again, yet they both believed themselves Right for one another. So they bought houses across the street from one another, saw each other every day for years, and then—after the last kid left home—they got married. Everyone had plenty of time to adjust, nobody got divorced again (the marriage is now of many years’ duration), and they even got a rental home out of the deal.

But if they can’t Wait and they won’t break it off? Then perhaps your friend can call on her acting abilities. In psychology, it’s well-known that one way to change your feelings is to first change your behavior; it’s termed Acting As If. Your friend could just pretend to love the stepdaughter—and the actual emotions would probably follow someday, at least some of the time. Even if she never felt love towards or from the child, your friend would benefit from the peace of a less-chaotic, less strife-ridden homelife.

But I am feeling very doubtful that your friend would do that, and here’s why: She’s openly opposed to the stepdaughter, plus your friend has already been twice-divorced. I hesitated to give the U.S. Census data on third marriage failure rates, but here it is:

73%.

And apparently that rate goes up if stepkids are present in the home (even part-time).

I’ll be blunt: Your friend doesn’t sound emotionally open to what this particular union would involve, and everyone involved deserves better. I think that if she cannot wait long enough for the daughter to grow up, she should move on, for everyone’s good.

Or else, fake it ‘til she really and truly makes it. Wishing the kid away is just not an option—or should not be.

From Monica: Even The Success Stories Have Their Moments

I have a man who was happy to have my kids and it was still hard. They were 7 and 11 at the time, and he is such a great guy that I think he was taken a bit aback by the kids not immediately bringing him into the fold as Dad. There wasn’t even a great biodad to be loyal to — they were just used to having all of my attention, and now that they had to share me, they didn’t really know what to do with this new guy who actually wanted to be around us! They also felt like they had to be on “company behavior” around my husband, and that was exhausting on its own. It was really an odd position to be in, because here I was defending each to the other, largely because everyone was being so polite while seething on the inside.

And then, of course, was when there was misbehavior. I felt so bad for my husband because, although he had good intentions and was technically in a position of authority, he wasn’t yet viewed by the kids as such. And you know, I have always felt that part of the problem with coming into a step-situation when you haven’t been a parent before is that you have a ton of “good ideas” about parenting, yet have not had the humbling experience of seeing that child-rearing is not nearly as straight-forward as you might have imagined. To be honest, I felt judged about how I was bringing up the kids, and that made me defensive (not to mention embarrassed at how unflattering it is to be defensive). And then, of course, was the excruciatingly-regular discussion about the difference between demanding respect and COMMANDING respect. It is my firm belief that you can only demand superficial respect, and that real respect has to be created over time. We can show respect as a behavior, but that is altogether different from the internal state that we all crave from our fellow human beings.

It also seems that conventional wisdom pushes the concept that the parents need to be united “about” the children, when it really ends up being “against” the children. This situation always seems to rear its ugly head when the stepparent has to “get serious” about something and expects full and unconditional support. I think there are much better ways of handing this — the biological parent just needs to be willing to get serious with the kids and demand appropriate behavior, and the stepparent has to be sensitive to how much authority he or she is able to wield.

 I do not envy the position of stepparent. It seems to be one of the hardest jobs out there because you are constantly juggling the needs of others (some of whom you may not know well) with your own heart’s desire to bond with your mate and create a cohesive family unit. I knew it was hard on my husband, but the whole thing was hard on my kids, too, and the stress of feeling like nobody was ever happy felt unbearable to me at times.

In retrospect, my husband (I think) wishes he had supported me more and tried less to be a parent, the kids wish they had appreciated my husband’s efforts earlier, and I wish I had had a magic wand to have made the entire process easier. But ultimately, I am one of the lucky oneswho has an amazing family where each person continued to be willing to keep an open mind and work things out. Each made a concerted effort to see things from the other’s point of view, and I credit all of them with the success of our blended family.

Duana’s response: Success As A Process

Monica, thank you so much for sharing your success story. My favorite part is that the success didn’t come right away.  That underscores everything else I learned as well, both in research and in life. Even with people who want to be together and want to love one another’s kids, the intimacy takes time to build.

Which makes sense. After all, the intimacy between the two adults took time to build, and they were in love with each other! 

Speaking of love, I also appreciate your point about respect being earned along with authority. Discipline has to be balanced with Love when raising children, or the children will resist everything. Even bioparents, even with toddlers, can see this; the cuddling and need-meeting of infancy pave the way for more compliant, more respectful kids, partly because the kids whose needs were met are motivated. They want to do what you want. (Research-backed, of course :).)

So the stepparent first has to build the Love by showing appropriate affection, catching the kids doing something good, showing *the kids* respect by modeling it to the children and with their mate—and then after that’s been going on a long time (definitely months and often years), the stepparent has Street Cred to occasionally and politely make some direct requests of the kids. The practice of immediately disciplining without the love’s establishment is an epic, if common, fail.

I’m so glad this all worked out for you and your family. Thank you again for sharing your uplifting story.

From Anonymous:  Be Good To My Sons (And The World’s Your Oyster)

I agree with this - wish it wasn’t geared towards ‘stepdads’ specifically because honestly, I’d like my guy (to whom I am happily not married) to take some pointers here. There have been moments where the boys have been obnoxious - but for some bizarre reason I bristle when someone else points that out. He’s usually great about reining in and lets me manage the discipline points (which I tremendously respect) but I would LOVE for him to see that the easiest way to win me over is to be good to my sons. Not having kids of his own, he didn’t come with this built-in trigger - and interacting with my boys can be a bit daunting to a non-parent. But if he ONLY KNEW what one boys’ day out to the movies would earn him…just sayin’.

Duana’s response:

I really liked your letter because it underscores some really important points to keep love alive between a biomom and someone else:    
1. The way to a mom’s heart really is through her kids.
2. Messing with The Cavemom is a bad plan. 
3. A lot of times, the ‘stepdad’ is not married to Biomom—he’s her boyfriend.

Stepdads are defined pretty broadly in the research, because so many of them never marry Biomom (or Biomom chooses not to marry them, perhaps). Most of the time, the scenario is live-in. 

We’ve always had stepparents.  Historically, early death of a bioparent was the common cause.  George Washington was raised with stepbrothers, and then grew up to marry a woman with two living children. At least one historian says that arguments over disciplining the kids was The Big Deal between George and Martha—as in, he wanted to discipline her son, and she wouldn’t allow it.

But stepparenting today is far more common now than ever before, mostly due to divorce. If we count cohabiting couples, 1/3 of American children under age 18 are in stepfamilies right now. Many will be involved in more than one stepfamily. And half of all American adults have been, will be, or are in at least one stepfamily situation.

That’s why I enjoyed writing this article. It starts out heavy on the negatives. But then, the negatives are why people initially write in most of the time. The main thing, I think, is to focus on what can be done to alleviate needless suffering for everyone in the new family. Fortunately, it’s pretty simple and it works. Just add Love and Time.

Cheers,

Duana

Do you have a question for Duana?  Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011, 2013. 

Related LoveScience article:

Stepmarriages—how stepdads can keep their sanity and their love, too: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/stepmarriages-keeping-love-alive-when-theyre-somebody-elses-1.html

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

Wednesday Martin, for her book Stepmonsters.  Research-based, helpful, and fascinating, it should be handed out to anyone even considering becoming a stepmom.  You will learn a lot about your motivations—and the kids’, husband’s, his ex’s—, plus how to create peace in your home no matter how other adults are behaving.  A must-read. 

Martin Daly and Margo Wilson’s research on child abuse, Genetic relatedness, and intergenerational conflict was vital to the preparation of this article.  The Canadian research on child murder rates is theirs.  They are evolutionary psychologists extraordinaire.    

David Buss literally wrote the textbook on Evolutionary Psychology.  Many other books summarize the inherited psychology behind parental investment and Gene perpetuation and why men and women respond differently to many scenarios.  None do it so well as Buss. 

The Center For Law And Social Policy’s Snapshot of Stepfamilies was important for detailed descriptions of the most common kinds of stepfamilies and how various members within the families behave and adjust.  Many statistics on stepfamilies are found there as well.  

The U.S. Bureau of the Census yielded many statistics on the numbers of stepfamilies and the percentages of divorces in first, second and third marriages. 

John C. Cavanaugh and Fredda Blanchard-Fields’ discussion of stepfamilies in their textbook Adult Development & Aging was among the more well-informed and insightful overviews of the research. 

You can learn a lot more about stepfamilies and stepmarriages at The National Stepfamily Resource Center, a research-based site linking you to resources and information for having happy, lasting remarriages and stepfamilies.