Q&A from "SETTLING 101: Traits For A Mate"
Wise Readers,
When to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em? During dating, that can become The Question. Why is starting with love beginning backwards—and what can making a Traits For A Mate List do for you? What if you know what your Standards are, but you’re having a tough time sticking to them? What (incorrect) cultural messages encourage us to Settle for matches that won’t work? What happened to Readers who stuck by their standards in the past—and those who didn’t? Why do people resist making The List? And how detailed should it be? What about complementary traits—don’t opposites attract, too? Read on!
Cheers, Duana
Q&A from “Settling 101: Traits For A Mate”
Reader Comments (22)
Reading this has shed a new light on past failed relationships
I guess I have always had standards but never stuck to my standards
in the hopes that the person would eventually conform to my needs and wants
I always thought love was enough, and that love at first sight meant forever.
Now, I see that the hardest part is finding the “perfect for you” mate, and once
you do that, the relationship won’t have to feel like a job you go to everyday because you have to.
Thanks
December 1, 2009 | Elizabeth wollitz
Dear Elizabeth, beautifully said. Love at first sight does happen to as many as 10% of women and men, according to one study; but it happens without regard for whether anything but the love is there.
As Susan Page writes in her wise and heartening book If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single
I know a man who reached this conclusion on his own—and put it to extremely efficient use. After identifying his Standards, he “shopped” online through more than 1,000 profiles, and contacted 100. Of those 100, he went on first dates with the three women who were the best match with what he sought. Of those three, he asked one on a second date. A few months later, they were wed, and I know for a fact they’ve been happy—because I was the lucky one he picked.
December 1, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Love it, love it! Another great article by Duana for my daughter’s dating in-box. Also, I am living proof that this exercise will work.
Some years back when I was young, divorced, and seeking to remarry, a very wise friend told me to write down on index cards each characteristic I sought in a mate. So I happily filled out a big stack of cards, one desired trait per card. I had a big wish list - you know: handsome, financially successful, intelligent, considerate, conservative values …. interest in Macrobiotic cooking (um, I was in to that, at the time).
Then my friend asked me to prioritize the cards into my top 10. Whoa …that took some deeper thought and heavy editing. Suddenly my minor wishes (Macrobiotic chef, Adonis god) didn’t make the cut. And the interesting thing is that neither did “financially successful.” After all the top 9 slots were filled with vital (to me) characteristics such as kindness, honesty, wants children, etc., I had to choose between “spiritual/religious” and “financially successful” and ….I’m very happy with my average-paid, spiritual man :-)
Best wishes to you Charles!
December 1, 2009 | Gillian
Hi, Gillian, I hope that someday, the Traits For A Mate exercise helps your daughter as much as it has helped you, and I thank you for sharing your story. You were fortunate not only to have a wise friend, but to actually create the List rather than letting her suggestion fall by the wayside.
When students and clients are resistant to this activity, I tell them it’s possibly the most important thing they will do in their dating life. This one List helps men and women, young and old, gay and straight, and people from most any culture, economic level or political or religious background to:
—Identify their own Standards
—Evaluate whether their Standards are realistic (most are—but that’s important to acknowledge, given how many have been told to lower their standards, stop being so picky, settle, etc.)
—Avoid wasting a lot of emotion, time, energy and money (and chances to meet Mr./Ms. Right) on people who will never work out
—Funnel their candidates so that only realistic Contenders get close enough for Love to happen
—Recognize when a possible Life Mate Candidate comes along
—And cherish that person like the gold they are.
Not a bad set of outcomes from one measly list, is it?
December 1, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
The problem with trying to “score” someone of equal good looks is that how do you score yourself if you are a man? Am I a 6 or a 9? Did the girls not go out with me because I wasn’t in the “popular” crowd? Or was it my personality? I certainly am not ugly or overweight but for some reason I never had a girlfriend throughout high school or college.
I know a lot of it was shyness, I was embarrassed to ask a girl out for fear of rejection. I could just imagine them gossiping, “Can you believe<x> asked me out?” and hearing it passed around campus. I could not have stood the humiliation. So, literally, that part of my life (dealing with females) never developed until my late 20’s, and by then I settled for what I thought was a fair trade, an averaging of all the desired traits (still married by the way) because I thought I could never do better. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the wife. But I feel cheated out of what could have been, that I had to settle for something less than my ideal. But we’ll never know will we, because what are my looks scored at by a woman?
December 1, 2009 | jim
Dear Jim, Welcome to Love Science, and thank you for sharing what must be a hard thing to tell.
One of the hopeful messages about the matching phenomenon (as scientists term it) is that lasting happiness is not only an option for the brilliant, brainy, and/or beautiful. It is available to most anyone kind, respectful, loving, and faithful who will delineate and adhere to their Standards—as long as their Standards seek someone very like themselves.
All over the world, men as well as women are actually very good at assessing others’ appearance, even though men often deny it. Given a file of photos (whether headshots or body-shots), there’s high agreement among total strangers regarding who are the male and female “10’s”, the “8’s”, etc. For instance, perhaps Megan Fox is not your personal ideal, but most anyone can see she’s a “10” even if not *your* “10”. And people usually also have an implicit understanding of their own looks, too. We’re just taught not to say so.
So if you and your wife have often been told (or were told during courtship) that you “look so good together” or “look right together”, those are external signs that you’re a good match on the physical plane. Of course, that’s just one facet of a good match. And I should mention that once people are married, their level of appearance match is no longer a great predictor of happiness—because it’s so rare for people to intentionally commit to someone vastly less physically ideal than themselves (except for the looks-for-wealth trade-off scenario described in the column). Just as weight doesn’t predict the best linebackers in the NFL because they *all* weigh a ton, physical matching doesn’t predict marital happiness because non-matches on that dimension are unusual.
The larger issue, though, is your feeling of being cheated out of a better match by shyness and perhaps some low self-esteem—of having settled because you didn’t grasp your worth at the time, or didn’t believe you could do better. I wonder whether some of that came from common (and woefully wrong) cultural messages that clients and students often say they’ve experienced, such as:
—You’re just being too picky
—You should settle on the first reasonable match who happens along
—If you have love, count yourself lucky, and the rest will take care of itself
—It’s selfish to expect genuine happiness
—It’s unrealistic to expect a great match; who are you to think you can have it?
I even found an advice book that told people to marry anyone who met half of their Standards, because wanting more was unrealistic and greedy. That’s just plain wrong. I hope this article helps as many people as possible to avoid the pain you’ve been through with feeling that you didn’t really get what you wanted—and that you can find happiness yourself through focusing on the long history of successes and friendship with your wife, as well as the future you’re working towards together.
December 1, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Dead on, Duana. I have almost made a game out of watching my friends get married and divorced and remarried over time. I had come to many of the same conclusions you reach here from watching which marriages worked (very few, sadly) and which ones blew up. I was best man for one of the few that worked (and which I predicted would work - yay!). Some time later, at her birthday celebration, I toasted the two of them with this:
“At your wedding, I told Jasenn that I thought he had chosen well. I only hope that when my time comes, I choose as well as he did.”
I really think that choosing well - which involves all of the items you list - is the real secret to lasting happiness. John Lennon said “All you need is love.” John Lennon was wrong.
December 1, 2009 | Daniel
Thank you Love Doctor!
I have to applaud those that replied with such brutal honesty. I hope everyone “chooses well” in the future if that choice is still to be made.
December 1, 2009 | Barbara
Thank you, Daniel and Barbara. I appreciate your insights and support. Daniel—sounds like you’re still looking, and well-equipped for the search. And you nailed it—Lennon was Wrong! On the other hand, most scientists can’t write singable songs…
December 1, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
This one is tough for me. I made the “traits for a mate” list about a year ago and find myself referencing it often. Just as often, however, I seem to excuse the exclusions or blatant discrepancies for the guy that I’m with.
Seems as though evaluating the relationship is easy, but buckling down and doing something about it…well, I’m with Charles in feeling like it may be settling, but this may be the best shot I’ve got.
December 1, 2009 | Courtney C.
Hi, Courtney,
Although loneliness, self-doubt and cultural messages can undermine one’s nerve and courage and persistence: I urge you not to settle. But instead of re-reading the article again, may I make a suggestion? Look around you at the other responders here. Elizabeth, Jim, Daniel, Carmen, Gillian, Gabriel, and Karl all offer invaluable hindsight perspectives on why Yes, It Is Tough To Adhere To Your Standards—but if you want to avoid the pain of a broken heart, and perhaps a broken home, it is Vital that you bolster your self-esteem and hold firm to your Must-Have’s. They are your deal-breakers for a reason…and breaking the deal later on rather than right now is only going to add to at least two people’s pain. And the divorce rate.
Besides, I have never met the Settle-ee who said to their reluctant, half-hearted mate: “Thank you for Settling for me.” We All Deserve To Be Chosen. Enthusiastically. Wholeheartedly. If you don’t want this person or know they’re really not your match, someone else will both match and desire them. Don’t deprive any of you of a great mate. Wrong match? Throw ‘em back! You’ll be glad you did. Eventually, so will they.
December 2, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Great advice, as usual!! I chuckle at the memory of my sweetie first meeting my family at the infamous Hearn Family Christmas Party. Mamaw hugged him in a haze of talcum powder and said, “He looks just like a Hearn.” That sealed the deal. Friends of ours in the early years said we looked like brother and sister rather than husband and wife. I had finally reached the conclusion that I could not marry…too selfish and fickle. I actually prefer solitude, and I like to do what I want when I want, so….then I decided I wanted a date with that shy, adorable-looking man at the office. And the Rest is History. I haven’t read the article on Opposites Attracting yet, too busy preparing for the onslaught of family at Thanksgiving, but I’m definitely interested in the Love Doctor’s research on that subject! And Duana, the story of your Mating/Marriage was delightful…I ate it with a spoon. Smart guy :-)
December 2, 2009 | Carmen
Duana, I agree (and my personal experience confirms) that it’s wise to marry someone similar (Birds of a Feather Flock Together) and likewise that opposites detract. That’s on the top layer.
Additionally, at least in my marriage, a subtext seems to exist: My husband and I do possess many “opposite” or shall we say “complimentary” traits, which simultaneously balance the marriage … and drive us nuts.
For example:
*He is a plodder; I like to get things DONE. NOW.
*He prefers stability, predictability, and structure in a job; I’m an entrepreneurial spirit (even though I can’t spell it)
*He is quite conforming to his religion; I’m OK with that, but prefer a more inclusive, bigger picture
*He is not a risk taker; I enjoy a reasonable risk for a potential upside
*He didn’t enjoy the academia of college; I loved it, stayed for an advanced degree, and later taught
*He is patient; I prefer people to get to the point, already.
I’m sure there are many more examples. But somehow it’s all worked for 10+ years, and it keeps on working …
December 2, 2009 | Gillian
I like the “Complimentary Traits” that Gillian referred to. I was looking for that very explanation for describing differences that make a relationship interesting not abrasive. Good job Gillian! Ya know I haven’t read any books on the subject of dating but I have told some lady and guy friends about making a list of the traits that are a must. They have to be there in order to allow a couple to mesh and understand the others point of view when opinions differ. I’ve had friends who were married to people that hated being around close families yet the other lived for family. It caused a fatal rift!
That’s a good next subject. I really want to know what’s in the mind of partners who really hate being a part of close knit families. It is not uncommon because I know of three relationships that have died for that very reason.
And I also would like to add that there are also bad traits that shouldn’t be matched, like finding other depressed people and other habitual drug addicts. I’m not kidding! I have heard someone say they loved their current partner because of their willingness to party hardy, to put it mildly! In other words destructive/negative traits, I would assume, should not be matched.
Finally, I totally agree that someone should not continue to see another who just brings on the blues and not the sunshine. Goes against logic. What is that saying when a person comes in to see the doctor and says to her, “It hurts when I do this.” Doctor replies, “Well don’t do that!” :)
December 2, 2009 | Gabriel C
Dear Gillian and Carmen and Gabriel, oh my! I am beginning to understand that you might like to read an article about whether, when, how and why Opposites Sometimes Attract (or at least don’t kill one another)—and how to live happily with Differences. Lol! Consider it done. Well, not quite done—but in progress. I interviewed Helen Fisher, evolutionary anthropologist and author of some fascinating science-based books and scientific consultant to Chemistry.com, last Wednesday for that column, and have been working on it ever since. It is scheduled for release in another week and a half. That said—thank you for the gift of such enthusiastic, ardent, and proactive readers. I cannot ask for more.
Oh, and I thank all three of your for thoughtful, evocative and inspiring commentaries that border on the poetic.
December 2, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Hi, Gabriel, Regarding “Doc, it hurts when I do this…” “Then don’t do that!”—
As you’re pointing out, sometimes, the truth isn’t what hurts. Failing to adhere to it, though, can be agonizing. Thanks for the insights. May they encourage others.
December 2, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Duana, cool story about you and your man - what a smart guy!
By the way, I want to clarify that I submitted to the “Traits for a Mate” exercise only after my first marriage had failed. When marrying husband #1, I was much too much of a dreamer to do anything that practical. Despite clear warning signs of a mis-match, I proceeded with the marriage believing love could conquer all. NOT.
The second time around I was much more willing to be practical. Time was no longer on my side.
So what’s wrong with making a list? And why did I resist it until life had pounded on me to clarify my standards?
I think our young girls today believe it’s unromantic or unspontaneous or somehow “wrong” to actually plan for a happy life. Listing the attributes they want in a husband seems about as romantic as listing the attributes they want in a phone. In my young mind, that would be somehow evil or calculating or manipulative … Love is just supposed to “happen.”
Sort of like the way young girls might feel conflicted in the way they view sex: “Hmm….If I plan for it, then I am evil, immoral, calculating … whatever. So I won’t get any pills or buy any condoms. But, if I’m in the moment and it just happens ( and I wasn’t planning on it …) well, then it’s ok.” Well, then you are PREGNANT.
Seems to me we’d be better off simply acknowledging that planning is OK. It is practical. Sure, it entails sorting your beliefs and criteria, and I’m certainly not advocating sex among our teens, but I am saying it’s good to plan. For sex, and for attributes in husbands, and for happiness in life.
December 2, 2009 | Gillian
It is amusing, but not really, just how ignorant most of us enter the realm of relationship, both friendship and romantic. I unknowingly violated both Universal Deal-Breakers in my marriage the first time around, and while I have some apprehension about being able to accurately assess these and other characteristics before, rather than after, the marriage begins, I want to find someone who is as picky as I am. I am definitely better equipped as I enter this time around, and am glad to be able to draw on your studies as I continue down my path.
December 2, 2009 | Karl
Dear Gillian and Karl, Bravo and well-said. It does seem to me that the formerly heartbroken and divorced take the List exercise much more seriously than those who are looking at their first trip down Lover’s Lane. It’s sad, really, because Settling for a lack of kindness, respect or any absolute deal-breaker is going to break the deal. Just later on, when the deal might include children, a mortgage, mingled families, the busting up of careers…not to mention shredded emotions.
Practicality: Maybe it ain’t sexy—but neither is divorce.
Oh, and Karl—Welcome and thank you and good luck. Stick with this crowd and you’ll go far :). As for repeating mistakes of the past, I don’t think that will occur. You’re wiser, literally benefiting from your experience, and in addition, there will be a column at LS specifically devoted to how to assess the character of a prospective mate. Creating a Traits For A Mate List will also help you, because it will keep you true to yourself when tantalizing-yet-inappropriate prospects come along (and they will, lol).
December 2, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Great article and I have enjoyed the responses from so many. I actually had to turn on my own expertise years ago because I wasn’t quite the subject matter expert I thought I was about traits that were prerequisites to what I defined as successful and compatible mates. I was 0 for ??? as every relationship ended and often due to traits I saw in the beginning but simply overlooked or THOUGHT were good but were not so much.
I have shortened that “Must Have” list to 3 things. Trust, Honesty and Sincerity. Sounds Hallmark-ish, I know. But all of the qualities I seek in a woman falls under that trifecta. If I get that, chances are I have at the very least given both myself and the person I am interested in to have a foundation to success. The rest is up to us to make good of it.
Thanks for initiating a great discussion!
December 2, 2009 | Quinn
Dear Quinn, Nice to have you back. One of the reasons I ask people to be detailed in their thinking is that visualization helps with recognition of a possible Great Match. Of course, your Standards for trust, honesty and sincerity are Must-Have’s that are bound to steer you in a happy direction.
Helen Fisher has sagely and scientifically noted that when we choose a mate, we get not just a person, but their lifestyle. I would add that we also inherit their ways of doing things, their people and pets and kids and parents and and and…
Which means that lifestyle aspects are important for most of us, and are well-included on lists. Do you ever want to marry, or would you rather cohabit permanently, or have a true love who lives in an apartment in the same complex? Important to know and make sure you and your honey see eye-to-eye on that aspect (aka Relationship Style). Do you want someone who will travel and explore cities with you…or is it okay for her to be home while you’re away? These sorts of issues can range from the vital to the trivial—I just encourage people to think about them so they have the happiest, smoothest launch and lives possible. Thank you again for the good thoughts!
December 2, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
All—I am in awe of the quality of heart and mind in your responses, and the openness with which you share your lives, including the difficult things. Thank you for not only telling your stories to me, but helping other readers through your experiences. You are what gives Love Science its heart and power.
December 2, 2009 | Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2009, Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.. All rights reserved.
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Reader Comments (2)
Settling..not such a bad thing? There has to be congruence with your expectations of a mate and what is in front of you, and the ability to say, "This is good. This is good for me. I can see myself happy in this."
I held back in some relationships because of the thought that a "better match" might be around the corner or I wasn't in the place in my life that I thought I wanted to be. A poor analogy, I know...but I have a truck. It isn't the top of the line, but I like it. I could hold out to see if next year's model is better, faster, cheaper, sexier, more feature filled...but what I have is: beautiful; makes me happy and is good for me; I make her happy (girl, not truck!); it fits me; I may not be able to afford next year's model; I can see myself holding on to this model for years and years and years. No trade-ins/ups wanted or allowed...God forbid they don't make this model again! What would I do then?
Dear S,
Thank you for this accurate and amusing post. I enjoyed your analogy, and agree wholeheartedly. There is such a thing as having standards that are nit-picky, impossible, and impractical--and when people dump others over things like "his accent is annoying" or "she weighs 10 pounds more than my ideal" when the relationship is otherwise a winner, that is a sign that one has lost sight of what's important, enduring, loving, happy. Similarly, when women who are not particularly young and beautiful (missing out on the primary qualities desirable by men worldwide), yet they hold out for a man who is the Brass Ring of universal female standards (wealth, education, status, resources)--that is a Standard that is not only inappropriate, but almost guaranteed to keep them alone. And versa-vice for men.
Hence the value of making the Traits For A Mate List and then applying the Goldilocks Test of whether we're setting our sights too high, too low, or just right. Here is the link to the article that gives more details:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
Final thought: It's not really Settling if you've met your Match. It's Right for You, and very likely to bring lasting happiness. Glad you had the sense to let yourself fall for One who fit with you.