How much should you tell your kids about sex--and when?

Dear Duana,

My husband and I want our kids, ages 5 through 11, to delay sex at least until college.  But he thinks it’s too soon to talk, and that The Talk “just gives them permission”.  I think if we want our kids to have our values later, we must become the go-to resource now.  Your column is about adult relationships, but we are trying to create tomorrow’s functional adults, so I am hoping you’ll tell me whether, what, when, and how we tell our kids about S-E-X?

The Mom

Dear The Mom,

As the t-shirt says, “You can’t scare me, I’ve got kids.”  But you *can* scare us about our kids, especially when it comes to their burgeoning sexuality.    Although over half of USA high-schoolers are virgins, the non-abstinent are having intercourse younger than ever before –age 15, on average—more often, with more partners, and are sans protection 1/3 to half the time.  So now, 2/3 of sexually transmitted infections and diseases are diagnosed in the under-25 set , and US teens have 6x as many pregnancies as those in liberal Sweden (!). 

And early sex with many partners is a long-term intimacy risk, potentially undermining eventual marital stability by eroding the perception that sex and fidelity are a Big Deal.  To wit, in one study, among women who had sex at/before age15, 48% had affairs later…3x as many as those who were virgins ‘til 21.    

Fortunately, there is a prophylactic for this misery:  You and The Dad.  When parents Talk, kids typically not only wait longer to have sex—they have fewer partners, avoid high-risk behaviors, and use contraception. 

Here’s how to Talk Sex (and, of course, Listen, Listen, Listen):     

                      Talk Early:

The perfect time to begin is when your kids start asking…usually by age 4.   First questions are often direct and simple, ala “Why do I have a wee wee, and Sister doesn’t?”  or, “How did the baby get inside the mommy?”    

If age 6 has come and gone without questions, the time is Right Now.  The sooner you start, the easier it gets and the more impact you’ll have.  Plus, it lets you prepare them for things kids don’t know to ask about until after they’ve been scared witless—such as wet dreams, first ejaculation, and first menstruation. 

With young kids, you can say, “What do you know about where babies come from?”  Just asking the question, and answering it plainly and openly, will say you’re their go-to. 

With older kids, you can start, “Just like we talk about everything else, I’m here to answer your questions about sex.  What do you know about it already?  What do you want to know?”  If you’re uncomfortable, it might soothe your kid’s nerves (and yours) to acknowledge it:  “Nobody talked to me about sex, so I might be uncomfortable sometimes, just like this might be awkward for you.  But I want to listen and do my best to answer you.  What are your questions?”  And if there aren’t any, revisit it in a few days with a topic or two you’ve picked.    

                       Talk Often:

The most influential Talk extends from toddlerhood through early adulthood in a string of opportunity-inspired conversations.  Did your zoo outing reveal beastly behavior?  Talk.  Did your daughter witness your period?  Talk.  Did your son log on to Ho’sForHire? Talk (and update your net nanny).    

                        Talk Values:

When it comes to your sexual values and expectations, You’re The Experts.  But if you don’t show ‘n tell, it’s hard for your kids to adopt your views—especially as peers and programming rush to fill the void.  “We expect you to wait until high school is finished before you have sex, no matter what anyone else is doing or how much you want to do it.  Let’s discuss why that’s so important,” is a conversation you can begin with your oldest child now.       

Research suggests a few specifics you might want to address.  For instance, kids whose parents stress personal responsibility for sexual and other behavior tend to avoid pregnancy and infection.  And parents need to keep an ongoing dialog about alcohol and school performance, too—more use of the former and less achievement with the latter are tied to everything that makes Daddies want to wield a cudgel. 

But it’s best to avoid guilt-mongering; your kids might wait, but if they don’t, science shows they probably won’t use protection, and guilt is not the best trip towards further communication.  Or healthy adult sexuality. 

Speaking of which, it’s important to acknowledge sex’s  emotional and positive aspects.   Someday, your kids are going to grow up and be Ready—and you’ll want them to cherish the lifetime bond that willing, joyful sex helps to create and continue. 

                       Talk Contraception:

If you’re like most American adults, you’d prefer that schools teach about contraceptives as disease-and-pregnancy prevention—and your kids’ school can’t, doesn’t, or won’t.  Even if you value abstinence as the only acceptable path, you can’t trust its being taught as you would prefer.  Bizarrely, some abstinence-only courses do not define abstinence—resulting, in one Love Scientist’s observation, in too many college students who are shocked when told that pulling out doesn’t qualify.    

Fortunately, though, you don’t need to wait for the school district to come around; your kids will (inwardly) thank you for talking Condom Sense.  And they will become more—not less—likely to abstain from the behavior that necessitates contraceptives to begin with.  To wit, almost 90% of middle-schoolers in a national survey said they’d feel better-able to wait and to prevent pregnancy if only their parents would teach them about contraception.  And no study has found increased promiscuity tied to contraceptive education in school districts or at home.  

So, The Mom, thank you for broadening our view of Relationships.  These discussions may be cringe-worthy to start, but they’re vital in sustaining some of the most intimate, loving connections we can have—those with our children, and theirs with their own eventual mates and kids.  Your kids have questions.  They’re lucky to have you and The Dad for answers.    

Cheers,

Duana

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and LoveScience Media, 2010, 2014

Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com

The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources: 

—Centers For Disease Control, 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, for data regarding percentage of abstinent and active youth

—Brooke E. Wells & Jean M. Twenge, for data showing that the average age of first intercourse is now 15—three years sooner than at the peak of the Sexual Revolution

American Academy of Pediatrics, and Freya L. Sonenstein, for showing that teens are failing to use protection between 1/3 and half the time

—American Social Health Association, for data indicating that  2/3 of sexual diseases are diagnosed in persons under age 25 in the USA

—Jacqueline E. Darroch and others, for data on national differences in the pregnancy rates among teens in various Westernized nations

—Shirley Glass, for summarizing research showing the connection between early promiscuity and later infidelity for men and women

—Robert J. Levin and Amy Levin, for national research into infidelity rates among women with varying ages of sexual intercourse initiation 

 —Bonnie L. Halpern-Felsher; Sally T. Lehr;  and many others, for research showing that parental involvement in children’s sexual education helps kids not only wait longer to have sex, but encourages fewer partners, less risk-taking, and more contraception use

—Floyd L. Martinson, for data regarding when kids first ask questions about sex 

—Robert L. Crooks & Karla Baur, for their text cataloging the things kids need to know but won’t know to ask; for thoroughly reviewing the impact of parental and school sexual education of children; and for describing the ongoing nature of parent-child sex talks

—Susan Sprecher and others, for finding out whom young adults point to as their main influence on sexual matters

—D. J. Whitaker and others, for data showing that emphasis on personal responsibility is associated with risk avoidance

—David G. Myers, for summarizing research on the relationship between alcohol and unprotected teen sex, and guilt and unprotected teen intercourse

—Jonathan D. Klien, for describing how higher school performance is related to waiting longer for sexual intercourse

—Bill Albert, for a national survey on middle-schoolers that showed 87% wanted and valued parental sexual advice, particularly about contraception

Comments

[Danielle]

Hi - would it make a difference if I'm the aunt, rather than the mom? My niece looks to me as the less judging, yet caring, confidante. I don't want to be a bad role model but I also want to be more open and truthful.