Gay Or Straight, What’s The Difference?
Dear Duana,
I’ve been happily partnered with Michael for the past 17 years. Straights who know us are surprised by how long we’ve been together, or they want to know the secrets to our success. I’m not sure I know what we’re doing differently, if anything. Are there really differences between gay and straight long-term relationships?
Steven
Dear Steven,
Congratulations! You found a good man before I did. Even better, you’ve kept your relationship alive and thriving for many years. What have you and Michael got going on—and how unusual is that? As we’ll see, I’m not the only straight person who could learn a thing or two from you and your partner.
Fair Fights And Faster Make-Ups
Almost everyone argues about the Big 3 issues of money, housework, and sex—but how fairly and effectively you argue may depend on your sexual orientation. In the 1990’s, John Gottman began videotaping gay, lesbian and straight couples arguing; the couples came in every year for a dozen years, and the results are highly instructive.
Heterosexuals regularly engage in relationship-destroying, disrespectful communication strategies such as verbal attacks, character assassinations, domineering behavior, and belligerence. But most G/L partners argue as if they’ve already read and mastered Gottman’s instructions for saving and enhancing relationships. They start the sore subject in a gentle way that leads to cooperation rather than defensiveness. They accept their partner’s influence readily, behaving as if the other person just might have a point. They use humor, affection, and loving touch frequently even in the heat of the disagreement. And they let go of the argument and any lingering negativity a lot faster than straights.
Similarity breeds contentment, so perhaps being the same gender makes it easier to take the other’s viewpoint. Or maybe a basic biological distinction between G/L’s and straights helps the former group: Physiologically, a high heart-rate when arguing *benefits* G/L’s investment in their relationship. But high heart-rates undermine straights’ prospects for staying together.
Sex, Fabulous Sex
In the 1970’s, Masters and Johnson enticed hetero- and homosexual couples to voluntarily have sex in their lab. Live. In front of clipboard-carrying scientists. And they got plenty of comers.
You might expect that folks who’ll get busy under such conditions possess super sex skillz, wielding them with abandon. But you’d only be right about the G/L couples.
From M&J to today, G/L couples don’t jump to the refrain; they sing the whole song. Operatically. With moans, and slurpy sounds, and nuance, and “That feels amazing!”s. Reveling in The Tease, they draw out their partner’s every scintillating sensation, delaying orgasm as long as possible, and paying attention to all parts of their sweetheart’s body in an ethic that might be summed up:
‘Tis (almost) better to give than to receive.
Straights? Notsomuch. Even the presumably uninhibited types in M&J’s scientific peep shows were much more inhibited and goal-oriented than the G/L couples. Heterosexual men shoved women towards climax so it became more job than joy; women hopped on men’s peni like ducks on June bugs, ignoring the rest of the male body. Both seemed in a rush to reach orgasm, already:
Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.
Maybe it’s a lot easier to know what works if a couple shares all the same biological equipment, but most likely, the same-sex advantage has more to do with communication. In Gottman’s 35+ years of research, straights speak about sex rarely, reluctantly, and vaguely—so vaguely, a third party can have no idea of what’s being said. But G/L couples talk easily, often, openly, honestly, and *clearly* about sex, both in and out of bed. They specify what rings their bells, and they don’t get defensive if they’re the ones who could be doing something else to become the bell-ringer. Win-win.
Less Than A Lifetime?
With fighting, fairness and the other F going for you, it’s little wonder Gottman concluded that “in 200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today.” Yet despite these tremendous advantages, G/L relationships usually end sooner than straights’. Why?
Nobody knows for sure, but the absence of supportive social institutions and the presence of stress probably play starring roles.
Every union has times where the going gets tough and people consider going. But in the USA, it’s typically only straights who have the support of institutions that carrot-and-stick them into staying ‘til good times return. These include powerful social and legal benefits that come with getting and remaining married; equally powerful sanctions against divorce; and kids. Various sources find that at least 1/5th of G/L couples are raising kids, compared to almost half of straight couples—and research shows very clearly that people do try harder, for longer, when young children are present.
Yet even in countries offering full legal protection to G/L unions, they’re still more likely to dissolve. For instance, a Swedish study found that 30% of the lesbians and 20% of the gays broke up in a 5-year timeframe—compared with 13% of straight couples. And that probably has to do with stress.
Simply put, stress rarely helps relationships, and it’s stressful living in a still-homophobic world. Kissing hello, hugging, holding hands, keeping a photo of Sweetie on your desk—small daily acts that help bond straights can have sinister repercussions for many G/L couples. Even in today’s more accepting climate, G/L’s commonly encounter bigotry, discrimination and even violence, usually at the hands of men who mistakenly believe homosexuality is a bad choice—something you could change if you wanted, like having a mullet, or driving a Yugo.
Often, the stress comes from feeling hated by one’s own. About a third of G/L people interviewed by The Kaiser Family Foundation in 2001 had been rejected by their own families because of their sexual orientation. Not surprisingly, some would rather keep their families and fake being straight, or at least not openly acknowledge they’re gay. Which leads to yet another stress-fest: Having one or both members of a couple either dealing with loss of the family that usually tries to keep straight marriages together; or living somewhere between the Closet and the light of day.
Steven, how you’ve navigated all that and emerged to ask this question, I don’t know. But I thank you for an enquiry that can teach the world a lot—not only about acceptance, but about the path to great and lasting love. Congratulations again, and may you and Michael have many more years of happiness together.
Cheers,
Duana
* G/L stands for gay or lesbian
Related LoveScience articles:
Why gay men sometimes hide their sexual orientation (data on bigotry and discrimination included)
Hidden sexual orientations, ‘mixed’ marriages with one straight person and one gay person, etc.
How to start arguments so you win—and the relationship does, too
How (and why) to accept your partner’s influence—and why an elevated heart rate is bad for straight relationships:
Do opposites usually attract—or detract?
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
John Gottman and The Gottman Institute, for the only longitudinal research to watch couples of various orientations have an argument—then measure not only the couples’ attitudes and behaviors over a dozen years in those arguments, but also measure how upset they were physically, as with their heart rate. As you will know from other LoveScience articles, Gottman has been collecting information on straight couples for over 35 years, and I’ve often recommended his books. He’s the gold-standard for information on what makes long-term relationships—gay or straight—succeed or fail.
The quotation from Gottman I used came from an interview he participated in for his university’s newspaper in 2003; it is no longer available, but this link (also to an interview in that paper) also summarizes the research.
For Gottman’s scientific paper on the differences in how gay/lesbian versus straight couples deal with conflict over time, please refer to this link.
For Gottman’s book on how to improve communication to save long-term straight relationships, look here. Although this book was written based on heterosexual’s data, most of the information would apply to any union.
Thomas Bradbury and Ben Karney, for their extensive overview of recent, scientific findings about the similarities and differences between long-term gay/lesbian and straight unions—including sources of stress unique to same-sex relationships, and Kaiser Family Foundation data on rejection of G/L’s by their families.
Gunnar Andersson and others in 2006, for their research on dissolution of gay, straight and lesbian married/registered relationships in Sweden and Norway—countries with full legal protection regardless of orientation.
Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for an overview of science about the similarities and differences between gay, lesbian and straight couples, including the things *everyone* fights about: money, housework and sex. You can read more in their textbook, Understanding Human Sexuality, 11th edition.
Robert Crooks and Karla Baur, for reviews of the most recent data about the differences in sexual expression found in gay, lesbian and/or straight couples; you can find out more in their book Our Sexuality, 11th edition.
William Masters and Virginia Johnson, whose landmark publication Homosexuality in Perspective
Mary Roach, whose book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and LoveScience Media, 2011
Share Article Print Article Permalink tagged Breakups, Commitment, Conflict Resolution, Marriage, Relationship Building, Sexual Orientation, Sexuality, human sexuality
Reader Comments (11)
Wise Readers,
There's no way 1,000 words were going to capture all the distinctions and similarities among gay, lesbian, and heterosexual relationships~so feel free to ask questions.
This is a sensitive topic for many, including many gay and lesbian, bi and transgender folks I hear from through my private mail. In case someone wants to leave an anonymous comment, you can do so by putting the word 'anonymous' or a pseudonym in on the comments form, and just leave the other personal information (email, etc.) blank.
Please, though, no bigotry, hate speech, or denigration. This is *Love*Science...
How interesting that there are no comments on this profound article to date. Our daughter Ginger's first babysitting job was in New Haven, CT in the early '90's. Although she benefitted from a work study program at Yale Divinity School, as *research assistant* for Harold Bloom, she needed a little pocket change. She'd had the job for many months before she revealed that the parents were a lesbian couple...both highly-educated, successful professionals with a beautiful home. Ginger was a small-town girl from Oklahoma; her world opened up and changed dramatically during her years in New Haven. Her understanding of Human Sexuality deepened during those years, far outstripping mine.
One of my closest friends in college revealed to me our senior year that she was gay...scared me to death, as I realized her love of me held more connotations than I had ever imagined. I had no idea how to handle that information. I was so uninformed and naive. Her family never accepted her sexuality. I learned years later that she had suffered from severe bipolar disorder since birth, and no treatment was successful. After entering an experimental program in Dallas, she finally found relief from a *cocktail* developed there. When I once told her how glad I was that she was Well, she reminded me..."my illness is bipolar disorder, not being Gay. It's not so bad being gay." She did have a long-term relationship, but I do not believe they are still together. She is still one of my closest friends, adores my husband.
The problems involving gay women who are called to ministry in the church are enormous. So many spiritual gifts to share, so difficult to find work in the Church. Several of my college girlfriends left the Church because of its position on homosexuality...they love Polly as much as I.
My journey to understand sexuality has taken me on many twists & turns in the road...but I never, ever believed one's sexuality was a Choice. Thanks to Ginger's experiences at Yale Divinity School and her sharing her revelations with me, I now have a much fuller understanding. And thanks to Dr. Duana & her research, my journey continues. I especially enjoyed the info regarding Making Love...not so determinedly goal-oriented in gay relationships. Thanks for this information and for your support of Loving relationships.
Dear Carmen,
Thank you for sharing your own journey towards greater understanding of homosexuality. As we've both implied, sexual orientation is not a choice. But is that true?
Yes. Copious research points towards a number of factors influencing sexual orientation, but all of them occur *prior to birth*. Whether we're talking in-utero exposure to hormones, the 'older brother effect' whereby Mom's body might form antibodies against male fetuses the more males she gestates, or genetics, it's clear that men's sexual orientation is not a choice. The research on lesbian orientation is mighty scarce, but observations of extreme gender nonconformity in childhood, plus interviews with women of every orientation, also indicate that nobody--gay, lesbian, or straight--feels that their own orientation is something they could choose for or against. It just is what it is.
Not only is there zero element of choice before birth--there's none afterwards. Despite rigorous 'reprogramming' classes and therapies, nothing done after birth significantly effects or impacts orientation one way or another.
Truly, whatever gender turns us on, we're born that way. We're staying that way. And the question is really whether we're going to accept or reject our core selves and others.
(continued)
Fortunately, more and more people are choosing Yes in accepting their own and others' orientations. To wit, Rauch (2008) found that gay marriage or civil unions for same-sex couples are now acceptable to almost 60% of white evangelical Christians age 18-29. Other research concurs that first-world attitudes have shifted increasingly towards supporting rather than denigrating all people who want to have committed love in their lives.
Is it possible that one reason G/L couples have better communication about sex and better skills for having disagreements is that we straights have been sold a bill of goods that they haven't?
Our western media culture is just crawling with images of ideal, soul-shaking, endless love, and the overwhelming majority of those images are of straight couples. Straight couples who have perfect sexual chemistry, who "get" each other, and who, instead of talking out issues, have dizzying romantic story arcs leading to revelatory moments after which they live happily ever after.
In other words, if you anticipate that the "right" person for you will just *know* what to do sexually and will just "get it" when it comes to dealing with disagreements, does your ability to communicate go to heck?
Conversely, if you understand that communication, sex, and all the rest of the stuff that makes your relationship is always in an ongoing experimental phase, are you going to communicate better? Long term G/L relationships are, after all, something our culture doesn't really provide a set pattern for, so maybe expectations are just different enough to make actually talking about stuff less threatening.
Hmmmmm?
Dr D
Although straight, I loved the article and learn so much from your writings. I truly owe great thanks to the G/L couples who are teaching how to make love intimately and not like a chore. My wife and I have been practicing taking more time, teasing more, and just doing more to obtain that "scintillating sensation". Can you see my smile.
On another note, I do find it sad that with so much superiority on the sensitivity and pleasure front, that G/L couples don't have a higher ratio of staying together ("30% of the lesbians and 20% of the gays broke up in a 5-year timeframe—compared with 13% of straight couples.") But I can also see how society stresses can undermine things.
Also, is there a reason that more lesbian couples break up than gay couples? You mentioned that "Physiologically, a high heart-rate when arguing *benefits* G/L’s investment in their relationship". I would have thought that women would have a higher heart rate when arguing then men would, thus having better staying power. And, of course with men being hunters and wanting new conquests that they would add to a higher breakup ratio too.
Dear Mocha’s Mom and Vincent, thank you for your excellent queries that add so much. I think they’re related, so I’m answering both here.
Do heterosexuals have more modeling of Perfect Love than G/L’s do—images of passion and devotion so flawless that merely mortal activities such as Talking About It seem passe’? From preschool on up, the answer isYes. Fairy tales are about straight people, after all. And Disney’s movies sell happily-ever-after to the heterosexual set; they’re silent about ideal love, or any love at all, for G/L’s. So Kudos, Mocha’s Mom, for finding one more reason why G/L couples might be willing to work harder at real love, which takes real effort.
Still another contributor could be the breaking of taboos simply being gay can involve. As one gay man told me, “Once you’ve come out even to yourself, you’ve already broken the mainstream rules just by being you; you’ve already incurred wrath from half the world. So why not have fabulous sex while you’re at it.”
Indeed.
(continued)
With straight couples, working towards effective communication and having better sex is associated with much longer, happier relationships than those where criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling eventually create a rift so wide, straights drift apart. So, Vincent, why don’t great relationship skillz necessarily keep people together when they’re of the same gender? And why are *lesbians* the most likely to break up of all?
I’ve gotta say, this is one of those times where the science just floors me. In my preconceived notions, gay *men* were the ones who would break up soonest—not lesbian women. I figured that women would be more patient, more egalitarian, more…committed. I figured they’d be in this for the long haul. I also figured the gay men might drift apart due to sexual boredom or men’s well-documented lesser desire for commitment to begin with.
But I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong.
(continued)
Turns out, more than one study shows that gay men stay together considerably longer than lesbian women. It's still conjecture why this is so, but here are some possibilities:
1. Men and Open Relationships
Turns out, another difference between various orientations is the desire for casual sex while a primary, committed relationship is going on. As you may recall from other LoveScience articles and the research of Shirley Glass, straight men are not only much more open to casual sex than straight women are, but straight men actually report being *happier* in their marriages when the guys are getting some on the side. Men not only don't necessarily have affairs because they're dissatisfied with their marriages; they may even stray in order to stay happily wed.
This is something few heterosexual women want to hear, but it's true.
And if straight men are more open to casual sex (at least for themselves—not for their wives) than women are, gay men are even moreso. But unlike straight men, gay men somehow manage to keep their jealousy under wraps, giving *both* partners freedom to explore the sexual terrain with others—no double-standard needed.
Scientists aren’t sure how gay partners are controlling their jealousy. But it does seem that one way many gay men are keeping their primary relationship going is partly via having sex with their partner…and some more casual others.
2. 'Lesbian Bed Death'
While gay men are having a lot of hot sex in and often out of their primary relationship, women are organizing things a bit differently. Lesbians in established relationships have the least sex of anyone--less than gay men, less than heterosexual couples. Although lesbians' sex lives are usually extremely high quality, they are known to become low on *quantity* over time. Sometimes, the quantity dries up altogether in a phenom known on the streets and between the sheets as Lesbian Bed Death. And people who don't have sex together tend not to stay together.
As with straight women, lesbians are rarely Open to new sexual partners. So if the sex evaporates altogether and the ethic is one where sex with others is also forbidden, it's predictable that at least some lesbian women will end the relationship they're in to find another.
3. Ignoring Problems Vs. Overprocessing Problems
Vincent, it's still not clear how a high heart-rate could help G/L's when the same thing hurts straights' relationships. That, to me, is a mystery.
But another possible contributor to lesbians' staying together for fewer years than gay men could be due to how they deal with problems. The guys often just quit bringing up the issues they're never going to solve; they go on with their lives, being happy anyway. They *can* discuss the issue, as Gottman found. But they probably aren't beating the dead horse too often outside of the lab.
The women, though, often expect all their problems to get solved. And that's just not a realistic plan. It seems that women of every orientation would like to solve every problem, and be everything to one another; but the risks that such an expectation could entail would be double jeopardy where there are two women.
As we know from Gottman's longitudinal research with straight and G/L couples, *everyone* has thorny issues they're never going to resolve. But if your ideal is a relationship where all the problems resolve, that ideal can cripple your relationship. To the extent that a relationship with two women is more prone to that ideal than are gay or hetero pairings, it's predictable that lesbian women's relationships won't last as long.
Which brings us back to you, Mocha's Mom. I think that despite the much more intensive modeling of straight than G/L bliss, women of all orientations are prone to buy into the Disney image that everything can be worked out--that happily-ever-after will happen. And many couples of all orientations *are* happy. Ironically, though, the happiest are not the couples who have no problems, but those who accept that many of their problems will be perpetual and that the relationship has value anyway.
To the extent that those couples have two men, acceptance may be more forthcoming.
Thanks again for terrific ideas and queries.