There Must Be Four Ways To Leave Your Lover (Wise Readers sound off about leaving that lover you just can’t quit)

Wise Readers, 

I asked, you answered.  What’s the best cure for an old love?  Is it: a new love; focusing on the former lover’s flaws; looking at your own patterns of partner-picking?  How do people Change?  And…are some Addictions to love unbreakable?  

Read on!

From Tom: —Best Cure For An Old Love = A New Love—

Thoughts from Tom (but not Sarah’s “Tom” ;-)

I have had an impossible love, very recently. I just spent 20 minutes typing out details, and then I deleted the whole thing ;-)

So, what I learned that could be useful to others - you are allowed to take any “love relationship” for exactly what it is today. You are allowed to value the enjoyment of those days you had with your person. If you choose to dream about what it could be, you also have to recognize what it could prevent you from becoming. You are allowed to hurt … in fact, you have to hurt. Avoiding hurt traps you in amber. Don’t be trapped in amber, people.

And there are two effective ways that I know of to relieve past feelings for someone you have loved.

(1) You get angry at them for their disrespecting you.

And (2) you meet another person who thinks you rock.

These two things have worked in dissolving the amber from around me. Maybe there are other things that work, too. I only know of these two.

Anyway, I have ended up being very grateful for the things I had and then lost. They have actually made my ability to enjoy today’s love even greater and deeper. Letting go and hurting is sometimes the unexpectedly sweet part of your life.

From Monica: —Focus On Your Lover’s Worst Qualities (Write Them Down)—

 I’ve been helping someone through a similar situation and cutting off all contact is the best advice I can and have given. It is extremely difficult to stick to this restriction, but I suggest you journal all of the things the unavailable person has done to hurt, disrespect or make you feel unlovable.This will help to remind you why it can never work with the other. When you feel weak, and only remember the good, it can be difficult not to reach out again. Pull out your journal, re-read it, and log your feelings at that time. Eventually, you will leave the journal in drawer and not have to pull it out again.

I find that being in this type of relationship made me feel desperate, insecure and iI was reading everything I could to try to bring out the love in him. I never could and I felt broken. But once I had gotten through the initial sadness, I realized I only want to be with someone who brings out my best qualities, and I have. I’ve been married for 24 years to someone who adores me.

Good luck to you both in your journeys of self discovery and love.

From Christine: —Don’t Repeat The Past: Examine your motives and your history—

I think nearly every one of us knows what it feels like to want someone more than they want us (or vs versa). Maybe this is just for the younger (and extremely finicky) generation, but it seems to be The Rules of Attraction (also a movie).I’ve heard this story from nearly everyone of my friends… and several, several times from a few particularly stubborn ones.

Which brings me to my point…. I can’t speak for Carl, but I don’t think Sarah is ready to let-go, which is partially why she’s in the situation to begin with. And until Sarah really lets go—truly lets go—she probably won’t feel any better, and no amount of advice will work to solve her predicament. I think instead of focusing on relationship advice, she should look into why she’s found herself in this type of lopsided relationship, and why she continues to engage in it.

A girlfriend of mine seems to consistently be involved with “men who are unavailable” and she tries SO hard and puts so much effort into the relationship. Like Sarah, she seems to care so much more than he does. She solicits advice from friends, mentors, therapists, tarot card readers…she’s read piles of relationship books…she prays, meditates, cries…she just wants to make it work. The problem here isn’t really her relationship, it’s her. And why she feels the need to put gas in a totaled car?

Something to remember for anyone on a junkie high, and continues to love an unavailable person: Relationships are about commitment, respect, and trust. If those components are missing, it’s pretty much doomed.

From Karry: —Cutting All Contact Is What To Do (I’m trying to do it myself)—

Letting go of someone you love and want to be with so badly is so totally hard. Not everyone is able to do that. There are constant reminders everywhere and for some , more naive and very sensitive people, to just cut those they long to be with is just extremely hard. I am in a situation like this and I can tell you that I have tried anything possible to cut the strings but there are always these reminders which drives me crazy. For me, this has been going on for several years now.

 We are not together, actually we are not even anywhere close but we are in contact and the constant ‘what ifs’ has become an almost daily struggle for me. I think that he is doing this cutting-off thing and whenever I write about my feelings towards him, he won’t reply to that at all. However, when I ask questions that are not related to ‘us’ he is ok, he replies but very short. I am scared to lose him because I sometimes can’t help it to tell him the truth about my feelings. Sometimes I wished I could have an open face to face conversation with total honesty telling him what this is doing to me but wanting him also to do this. I feel lost with organizing my emotions and feelings for this man. I honestly believe that honesty is the cure for that kind of problem because then you can teach yourself to accept the situation better and start moving on. And who knows, this might then actually turn into a wonderful friendship because you found closure and peace.

I hope that Sarah and Carl will be strong enough to see what this kind of relationship is doing to them. May they be able to go through the stages of grieving and anger and all the good stuff that comes with it and realize what a wasted time this is to spend so much energy on someone who will never be truly theirs - and that goes for me too.

Duana’s responses:

Dear Tom (but not Sarah’s Tom),

Thank you. Your advice was poetic, compassionate, and on target. And I find it all the more important because of the unusual aspect of it: You’re advising Sarah and Carl to find other, possible, partners as a path to getting over these impossible loves. In my experience with clients, there’s nothing like finding a new love for curing us of an old one. I am so happy it’s worked for you.

And Dear Monica,

Happy 24th happily-married year! Did you know that James Pennebaker’s research has shown profound, positive health impacts of journaling? Your suggestion is delightful and accurate. Plus, you and Tom (not Sarah’s Tom) are correct that it’s so tempting to romanticize what was great about the impossible lover as you’re not around him/her anymore—so cogitating on what was *wrong* about them is protective indeed.

And re: “once I had gotten through the initial sadness, I realized I only want to be with someone who brings out my best qualities, and I have. ” Here’s to your Wisdom, and to everyone finding the person who brings out their best.

And Dear Christine,

Thank you for your perspective. Re: “Relationships are about commitment, respect, and trust. If those components are missing, it’s pretty much doomed.” Well and truly said. Add ‘kindness’ and you’ve got my entire website and all the science wrapped up! :)

I’ve struggled with my response to you because the role of Insight—self-awareness as a path to healing and change—is really tricky.  In Freudian therapy/ideas, we’re taught that self-knowledge leads to self-transformation. I very seldom recommend that, for a straightforward reason: Insight alone does not work.  

It’s logical to assume that Insight will transform people, but the evidence compellingly shows that people can and often do have profound levels of self-awareness, knowledge of their motives, etc., yet go right on doing what is already not working for them.

The key, per many experiments in social psychology, is usually not to achieve self-awareness (that is optional, truly)—but instead, to change behavior. And then attitudes will follow the changed behavior. Much as I did not feel like getting out of bed this morning until after I had gotten up, and I didn’t feel like working on this article until I had begun, if Sarah and Carl can change their behavior and get away from the bad relationships, their attitudes about those relationships will change. While they’re there, though, they will remain love junkies (love your term!).

On the other hand, one of the most direct paths to Change—any change a person wants to make—does involve at least a tiny bit of Insight.  For instance, if a person wanted to change his/her attachment style (the way we make and sustain long-lasting emotional bonds with others), they’d need to 1) Notice when they were behaving/thinking counter-productively, and 2) Redirect their actions/thoughts towards something constructive.  The ‘Notice’ part of that involves, not full Freudian Insight, but at least enough self-awareness to become conscious of when we are doing something that has not worked for us in the past.  Here’s a LoveScience article that explains it a little more:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/attachment-styles-overcoming-fear-embracing-intimacyat-last.html.  So I agree with you that your friend, for instance, would do well to examine her past and determine if there’s a pattern she wants to break, and a new future she wants to embrace.  Then: Notice.  Redirect.  Repeat.  

Also, I’m not a fan of the just-world phenomenon—the tendency to think that life is fair, and that therefore, people deserve what they get and get what they deserve; that if love has run aground, it’s because there is something broken about the hurt lover. Sometimes, yes…but sometimes not.  People can and do fall in love with totally inappropriate partners, and there are many, many reasons any of us can find out the impossible nature of the relationship only after getting rather involved. In Sarah’s case, I thought it was mature of her to see that love was at some level a choice, and to know she wants to change something. Could she and Carl have seen the Impossibility of their loves *prior* to getting involved? Perhaps. But they are very young; Wise Reader Monica, above, has been married longer than Carl and Sarah have been alive!  So their not having predicted or prevented their Impossible loves does not, in my opinion, necessarily make them broken or blame-worthy. It makes them human and young and in need of our compassion.

But in general, it’s true that if you want different results, you’ve got to put out some different behaviors. May Carl and Sarah begin by putting a lot of emotional and physical distance between themselves and their Impossible Loves.

And Dear Karry,

Thank you so much for putting your heart out there for all of us to read. You are in the thick of it. Did you know that what you are going through right now is the hardest part? It is. Being fully In or entirely Out is much easier than being In Limbo. There is relief ahead when you are able to extricate yourself fully; may it be soon.

Your letter brought up something I’ve been wondering, about the connection between love and addiction. There are people who really are unable (not just unwilling) to change their behavior and kick (fill in the substance) cold-turkey. Or at all. My reading of research is that for some folks, the longer their brains are bathed in the chemicals created by their addiction, the more devoted those neural pathways are to repeating that chemical experience, and the less likely that they are able to kick the habit. We know it’s true of drugs and alcohol. I am thinking it is probably true when we are addicted to people as well. Maybe some folks really cannot quit another human being.

If so, that is extremely sad. Did you know the suicide rate for alcoholics is 100 TIMES greater than the average? (Depression is a mere 5x higher rate. That tells you something, yes?) I wonder: Are those who are literally addicted to another person the same ones who kill themselves for love? Because here is what nobody seems to tell us: For a lot of addicts, the bottom they hit is not losing their job, friends, house, etc. It’s losing life itself. Recovery among long-standing addictions is the exception when we would much prefer it to be the norm.

If you are in the thick of it, as you might be saying, then I hope you are able to find a way, soon, to end all contact with the man to whom you are Impossibly attached.

From Jackie: —If It’s A Secret, Maybe It Shouldn’t Be A Relationship—

Such great Wise Reader responses. Yes, if you are love-blinded by a person, then you cannot see others around you that offer more opportunity. I don’t mean this in the “something better comes along” category that seems to arise early in many relationships.

I read a quote recently that “if you are in a relationship that needs to be secret, then you shouldn’t be in it.” Certainly any relationship with an unavailable man qualifies.

If a relationship has to be a secret, especially to an unavailable person, then you are getting the left-overs. You are not treated like the whole person that you are, and deserve to be, all the while losing your Youth & Beauty (if you are female) or wasting financial resources (if you are male). Meanwhile, the unavailable person’s spouse and/or children, are being cheated on, too, and are deprived of full-parentage.

You deserve to be on the arm, honorably, of someone who is proud to be with you. To do otherwise, you are cheating yourself.

Cheers and Godspeed to Sarah and Carl to find partners that cherish them.

Duana’s response: —Can Some Secret Lovers Be Legit?—

Well-said, Jackie, and thank you. You’ve given yet another reason for Sarah, Carl, and others to entirely cut ties to Impossible loves: It keeps you from moving on and seeing the options all around you for Possible loves. Plus, we all deserve to be loved openly and without reservation.

Usually, Secret and Impossible loves are one and the same. And usually, anyone who insists on keeping your relationship a Secret is indeed a huge time-and-money waster. We aren’t getting any younger, Ladies; and Gents, a Secret or Impossible love could indeed prevent you from getting any richer. Good points, Jackie.

But sometimes, in specific circumstances, a Secret love is possible, but has to be kept Secret because of social pressures.

For instance: What if ‘Ernest’ loved Carl and they were both free (and both gay)? Their culture/country still strongly disapproves of homosexuality. Do you think Carl should be forced to do without love his entire life, or alternately, be forced to emigrate away from his country and everyone he knows in order to have a long-term partner? I don’t—love is too important to the human condition and to the psychological well-being of most individuals. In that case, I could see a love being Possible…but Secret nonetheless, until social conditions improved in that society.

You’re right, though, most of the time, a love is Secret because it’s Impossible. And then, it’s time to let it go.

Jackie’s response: —Awesome Lesbian Auntie, circa 1950s—

Love - true love - is too powerful to go a lifetime without. Yes, in societies where social pressures prohibit certain relationships, a frowned-upon relationship would need to be kept secret for one’s personal safety. I’m certainly empathetic toward those individuals in socially-restricted societies.

While I thought that quote was brilliant in its simplicity, it simply cannot apply to every single human relationship. I think of my dear great-aunt in the hyper-feminine era of 1950’s Chicago. She was gay, and lived with her partner for their lifetime. Those of us who were open-minded, could see their true relationship. Others in the family denied it, and said that thoughts like mine were slanderous. While their relationship remained a secret, she really appreciated those of us who admired their relationship as more than “friends.” And I ended up with her 1957 “wedding china.” :-)

But I think I shall still use that quote to guide me through relationships. If it isn’t something I would say or do in front of my husband, it isn’t acceptable.

Duana’s response:

I LOVE your story about your auntie, her sweetheart, the wedding china, and how she found acceptance at least some of the time from at least some of her family. Thank you for sharing that~very touching.

And you’re right, that’s an excellent quote to use as a rule-of-thumb in marriage. I’ve said something similar to clients who wonder if their behavior could be leading them towards an affair: If you are saying or doing something you couldn’t say or do in front of your reasonable spouse, it probably needs to be left unsaid and undone! 

Cheers,

Duana

Do you have a question for Duana?  Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.  You’ll receive a confidential, personal reply, and if your letter is used on-site, all names and identifying information will be changed and the letter will be edited prior to publication.  

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.

Related LoveScience articles/scientific sources:

The article this Q&A is based on (Sarah and Carl’s impossible loves, and why love is addicting):http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/addicted-to-love-what-to-do-when-you-know-a-relationship-nee.html

How people change: attachment styles:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/attachment-styles-overcoming-fear-embracing-intimacyat-last.html

How writing can heal you—yes, really (non-LoveScience story about James Pennebaker’s research): http://www.utexas.edu/features/archive/2005/writing.html

How to move on (with special focus on men’s emotions):http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html

Whether men and women can be just friends…and nothing more:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/can-men-and-women-really-be-just-friendsand-nothing-more.html

Comments

[Just Relationship Advice]

If you are searching for a valid reason to leave your lover you need to ask yourself if you really want to leave them or if you are trying to find a reason to stay with them? If there is a person you just can't quit then maybe you need to work on the relationship instead of trying to talk yourself out of it. Identify the problem that is making you question the relationship and then determine if this problem can be corrected or if it is a deal breaker.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear JRA,

Thank you for sharing a valid point. In the case of Possible ltr's, I agree that far too many are ditched without sufficient effort. Research clearly shows that even among those who are so miserable, they are contemplating divorce, over 80% describe themselves as 'very happy' within five years...*if* they stay married. Things can and often do improve.

In the case of the Wise Readers in this article, they are advising based on Impossible relationships, per this article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/addicted-to-love-what-to-do-when-you-know-a-relationship-nee.html

These are loves that the person knows to be unworkable, loves that won't ever bring satisfaction but instead only pain and longing; and that's why the Readers this week focused on how to leave. Once we're physically hooked on a person, it can seem there's no getting out of it. Even when we know, truly, that this person/relationship just won't work.

I think, though, that many people could prevent a lot of Impossible loves...if they were more aware, going in, of their deal-breakers. For anyone wanting to enhance awareness, reduce pain, and focus from now on on loves that are not only Possible but joyful, here's an article for you: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html

Cheers,
Duana