SEX: Kids have questions—You’ve got answers

Dear Duana,

My husband and I want our kids, ages 5 through 11, to delay sex at least until college.  But he thinks it’s too soon to talk, and that The Talk “just gives them permission”.  I think if we want our kids to have our values later, we must become the go-to resource now.  Your column is about adult relationships, but we are trying to create tomorrow’s functional adults, so I am hoping you’ll tell me whether, what, when, and how we tell our kids about S-E-X?

The Mom

Dear The Mom,

As the t-shirt says, “You can’t scare me, I’ve got kids.”  But you *can* scare us about our kids, especially when it comes to their burgeoning sexuality.    Although over half of USA high-schoolers are virgins, the non-abstinent are having intercourse younger than ever before –age 15, on average—more often, with more partners, and are sans protection 1/3 to half the time.  So now, 2/3 of sexual diseases are diagnosed in the under-25 set , and US teens have 6x as many pregnancies as those in liberal Sweden (!). 

And early sex with many partners is a long-term intimacy risk, potentially undermining eventual marital stability by eroding the perception that sex and fidelity are a Big Deal.  To wit, in one study, among women who had sex at/before age15, 48% had affairs later…3x as many as those who were virgins ‘til 21.    

Fortunately, there is a prophylactic for this misery:  You and The Dad.  When parents Talk, kids typically not only wait longer to have sex—they have fewer partners, avoid high-risk behaviors, and use contraception. 

Here’s how to Talk Sex (and, of course, Listen, Listen, Listen):     

                      Talk Early:

The perfect time to begin is when your kids start asking…usually by age 4.   First questions are often direct and simple, ala “Why do I have a wee wee, and Sister doesn’t?”  or, “How did the baby get inside the mommy?”    

If age 6 has come and gone without questions, the time is Right Now.  The sooner you start, the easier it gets and the more impact you’ll have.  Plus, it lets you prepare them for things kids don’t know to ask about until after they’ve been scared witless—such as wet dreams, first ejaculation, and first menstruation. 

With young kids, you can say, “What do you know about where babies come from?”  Just asking the question, and answering it plainly and openly, will say you’re their go-to. 

With older kids, you can start, “Just like we talk about everything else, I’m here to answer your questions about sex.  What do you know about it already?  What do you want to know?”  If you’re uncomfortable, it might soothe your kid’s nerves (and yours) to acknowledge it:  “Nobody talked to me about sex, so I might be uncomfortable sometimes, just like this might be awkward for you.  But I want to listen and do my best to answer you.  What are your questions?”  And if there aren’t any, revisit it in a few days with a topic or two you’ve picked.    

                       Talk Often:

The most influential Talk extends from toddlerhood through early adulthood in a string of opportunity-inspired conversations.  Did your zoo outing reveal beastly behavior?  Talk.  Did your daughter witness your period?  Talk.  Did your son log on to Ho’sForHire?  Talk (and update your net nanny).    

                        Talk Values:

When it comes to your sexual values and expectations, You’re The Experts.  But if you don’t show ‘n tell, it’s hard for your kids to adopt your views—especially as peers and programming rush to fill the void.  “We expect you to wait until high school is finished before you have sex, no matter what anyone else is doing or how much you want to do it.  Let’s discuss why that’s so important,” is a conversation you can begin with your oldest child now.       

Research suggests a few specifics you might want to address.  For instance, kids whose parents stress personal responsibility for sexual and other behavior tend to avoid pregnancy and infection.  And parents need to keep an ongoing dialog about alcohol and school performance, too—more use of the former and less achievement with the latter are tied to everything that makes Daddies want to wield a cudgel. 

But it’s best to avoid guilt-mongering; your kids might wait, but if they don’t, science shows they probably won’t use protection, and guilt is not the best trip towards further communication.  Or healthy adult sexuality. 

Speaking of which, it’s important to acknowledge sex’s  emotional and positive aspects.   Someday, your kids are going to grow up and be Ready—and you’ll want them to cherish the lifetime bond that willing, joyful sex helps to create and continue. 

                       Talk Contraception:

If you’re like most American adults, you’d prefer that schools teach about contraceptives as disease-and-pregnancy prevention—and your kids’ school can’t, doesn’t, or won’t.  Even if you value abstinence as the only acceptable path, you can’t trust its being taught as you would prefer.  Bizarrely, some abstinence-only courses do not define abstinence—resulting, in one Love Scientist’s observation, in too many college students who are shocked when told that pulling out doesn’t qualify.    

Fortunately, though, you don’t need to wait for the school district to come around; your kids will (inwardly) thank you for talking Condom Sense.  And they will become more—not less—likely to abstain from the behavior that necessitates contraceptives to begin with.  To wit, almost 90% of middle-schoolers in a national survey said they’d feel better-able to wait and to prevent pregnancy if only their parents would teach them about contraception.  And no study has found increased promiscuity tied to contraceptive education in school districts or at home.  

So, The Mom, thank you for broadening our view of Relationships.  These discussions may be cringe-worthy to start, but they’re vital in sustaining some of the most intimate, loving connections we can have—those with our children, and theirs with their own eventual mates and kids.  Your kids have questions.  They’re lucky to have you and The Dad for answers.    

Cheers,

Duana

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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010

Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com

The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:

—Centers For Disease Control, 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, for data regarding percentage of abstinent and active youth

—Brooke E. Wells & Jean M. Twenge, for data showing that the average age of first intercourse is now 15—three years sooner than at the peak of the Sexual Revolution

American Academy of Pediatrics, and Freya L. Sonenstein, for showing that teens are failing to use protection between 1/3 and half the time

—American Social Health Association, for data indicating that  2/3 of sexual diseases are diagnosed in persons under age 25 in the USA

—Jacqueline E. Darroch and others, for data on national differences in the pregnancy rates among teens in various Westernized nations

—Shirley Glass, for summarizing research showing the connection between early promiscuity and later infidelity for men and women

—Robert J. Levin and Amy Levin, for national research into infidelity rates among women with varying ages of sexual intercourse initiation 

 —Bonnie L. Halpern-Felsher; Sally T. Lehr;  and many others, for research showing that parental involvement in children’s sexual education helps kids not only wait longer to have sex, but encourages fewer partners, less risk-taking, and more contraception use

—Floyd L. Martinson, for data regarding when kids first ask questions about sex 

—Robert L. Crooks & Karla Baur, for their text cataloging the things kids need to know but won’t know to ask; for thoroughly reviewing the impact of parental and school sexual education of children; and for describing the ongoing nature of parent-child sex talks

—Susan Sprecher and others, for finding out whom young adults point to as their main influence on sexual matters

—D. J. Whitaker and others, for data showing that emphasis on personal responsibility is associated with risk avoidance

—David G. Myers, for summarizing research on the relationship between alcohol and unprotected teen sex, and guilt and unprotected teen intercourse

—Jonathan D. Klien, for describing how higher school performance is related to waiting longer for sexual intercourse

—Bill Albert, for a national survey on middle-schoolers that showed 87% wanted and valued parental sexual advice, particularly about contraception

Comments

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear A Mom,
First and foremost: Congratulations. You have clearly launched The Talk with your daughter! Big change since your first posting on this thread. Good for you. And her.

As far as dating: It turns out that science shows the sooner kids go on dates, the sooner they tend to become sexually involved ala intercourse. So your maternal alarm bells may be going off for good reason.

The question, though, is--what's a date? How people define that is really subjective, and I don't know of science about it (which isn't to say such science is absent--I just haven't reviewed it yet.) Some people think a date entails one person taking another person to a specific place, alone or with others, for the purpose of being romantic, sexual, or both. Some think a date happens anytime two people who "Like Like" each other are together (chaperoned or not).

In other words, this is a grey area where your values and opinions reign supreme. I think you did a great job of telling her what *you* would expect of behavior between two kids who "Like Like" each other. And that's really the important thing.

That--and that you started The Conversation. Again, well done.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear Another Mom,
Please don't be tough on yourself if you've delayed initiating The Talk--sooner is better than later, but later beats never by a wide margin, and I think it's safe to say that all of us are learning all the time (present company included). No matter how old your kids are, you can start now, and they will benefit from your input, even if they act like they're stuffing cotton in their ears. This is especially true as you model the behavior for them that you want them to adopt. The old adage that actions speak louder than words continues to hold, in science and everywhere else, too. (Kudos to Tom for pointing that out.)

I like your observation that "Kissing causing pregnancy is not too far from the truth." Indeed! Another Love Science article and comments section goes into The Kiss, and you can read it here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/passionate-kisses-too-much-to-ask.html

To expand on that: As data would have it, male saliva contains testosterone. Testosterone is a true aphrodisiac--the single-most-powerful chemical involved in causing female arousal and desire. So during deep kissing, men (much more than women) prefer wet kisses that effectively act as foreplay for intercourse. Men may also use kissing to probe for female fertility--they haven't got the market cornered on chemical exchange, and women's saliva also yields information, although of course all of this is at a non-conscious level. The conscious part is something along the lines of, "Want you reaaaaalll bad."

Note I've been saying "men" and "women", not "boys" and "girls". That's because I don't know of any reasearch on kissing and childhood. Frankly, I am having a tough time finding it (even well-regarded textbooks on human sexuality tend to have one or two references to kissing of any kind among any age group--tops).

My guess is that there's not much research on it, for the following reasons:
1. Research is oriented towards solving social and health problems that can be grant-funded.
2. Sex among kids is a widely acknowledged social and health problem, so intercourse studies (and studies dealing with very closely related issues, such as contraception use) receive the lion's share of the funding.
3. Other risky behaviors are likewise public health issues, so oral and anal sex among kids and young adults also receives many research dollars.
4. Kissing, being a low-risk activity as far as immediate health consequences, likely receives much less funding or research interest.

But as you've guessed, kissing is the foot-in-the-door (or, as I call it, hand-in-the-bra) that gets the, um, ball rolling. So maybe we need to know a bit more about it.

Thanks much for contributing your thoughts. I hope you will return.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear ST,
It's good to hear another new voice, and I hope you'll be returning. Your comment is bound to resonate with many; what could be scarier than having our kids ask us about our own sexual past?

That fear will probably prove unfounded, though. Kids are indeed curious about sex. But they are, by and large, grossed out by thinking of either of their *parents* having sex--ever! To wit, even adult children often try to prevent their parents from having sexual privacy in nursing homes, the thought so creeps them out (Sadly, I am not making this up--it's in the research).

But let's assume your kids do want to know. After all, there are apocryphal stories floating around about youngsters who ask if they can observe their folks getting it on. (Now, that creeps *me* out.)

In that case: It Is None Of Their Business. Your personal past and your marital relationship are Your private (some might say sacred) events between you and your spouse.
Put in terms kids can hear, "Although I am your source for questions about sex and love, my own sex life and relationship with Dad is private."

But there's more than one reason to keep firm boundaries on what you share about your own sex life, and the main one is: "Do As I Say, Not As I Did" never has worked very well for keeping kids out of mischief. Parents who smoke(d) are likely to have kids who smoke--despite telling the kids not to. Parents who have affairs (that the kids know about) are likely to produce kids who have affairs--no matter how ugly the aftermath. And parents who had kids while in their teens have a reaaaaaally tough time getting their own kids to abstain. Again--all borne out in the science.

So if you had sex sooner than you want your kids to, I can't advise 'fessing up now. Maybe someday, when your kids are adults, it will make sense to tell the truth. 'Til then, though, this is one case where your history is yours alone, and honesty is not the best policy.

Thanks again for an important contribution.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Hi, Tom,
Thanks for weighing in and offering needed compassion and insight. You've underscored vital points that 1) kids do what they witness their parents doing, even more than they reference what their parents say; and 2) there is no use flogging or shaming ourselves for the past. Time to march onward as clarity comes through. If Love Science and its readers are providing some of that clarity, then this writer--who started reading the science 20 years ago primarily to help me clamber out of my own supreme ignorance--is highly gratified, indeed. I'm still clambering, and it's great to see so many who want to climb along with me.

Your note also caused me to think (as your notes so often do) of something else: It's a new world out there--one where the parents have to be Brave. If I have gauged your age correctly, you are somewhere in your fifties; I'm 41. Although speaking to kids about sex was the exception rather than the rule when we ourselves were children, and your kids turned out well without so much direct input from you, there are new dangers to taking that stance today.

Namely, the media influence is so much more prevalent and graphic and available and hence, *influential* than it was when we were kids. Back in the day, when parents didn't talk to kids about sex, kids did talk to one another--but they had relatively little to go on other than some stacks of Playboy and some gossip and guessing.

Now, when peers become the primary purveyors of all things sexual, they are often conveying grossly inaccurate and compelling images and 'lessons' they have obtained from hard-core porn, a vast array of televised programming intended for mature adults, movies that will curl or straighten your hair (or grow it, if you have none), and interactive websites where pedophiles pose as children.

Researchers refer to this as the "two-step flow of communication" where a few kids interact with a media source--and then pass the influence onward to their peers who have *never* interacted with it. It's why toddlers who've never been exposed to TV know who Dora The Explorer is; less innocently, it's how kids who've never surfed sex sites know what anal sex is. And believe all sorts of dangerous things about it.

Parents' #1 stated reason for not talking to their kids about sex, per research now, is fear and embarrassment. But it's a new world. Time, then, for today's parents to be Braver and more up-front about The Talks than any prior generation.

[ST]

Mrs. Welch, Is anal sex dangerous?

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Hi, ST,
Anal sex is one of the riskiest practices for getting HIV and some other STI's (sexually transmitted infections, formerly known as sexually transmitted diseases). This is especially the case when practiced between people who are non-monogamous and who are not using condoms as protection, and especially for the person who is experiencing the penetration. That's because the lining of the anus develops tiny cuts and tears that allow bacteria and viruses to invade the system. However, because anal sex cannot result in pregnancy, and because it does not involve penile-vaginal penetration, some kids do this to remain virgins and avoid pregnancy. (Ditto for oral sex, although the odds of getting many STI's orally are reduced, as compared with vaginal and anal infection rates.)