Separate Rooms, Separate Sex Lives? When snoring comes between you

Dear Duana,

My husband has a serious snoring problem.  Ear plugs for me and nasal strips for him don’t work, and the guest room is now mine.  In my experience, there are pros and cons; I get more sleep this way, but we have less sex and I feel less connected to him.  Do you think it’s a bad thing for us to sleep apart?  Callie

Dear Callie,

Quick, choose: If you could win a million dollars, or have guaranteed restful, energizing sleep every night for the rest of your life, which would you pick?  If research is any guide, you’d be wise to select sleep. 

Why?  In studies, lotto winners’ happiness levels are boosted above the general population’s, but only for a few months—not even a year, actually.  But a good night’s rest?  Ah, now there’s a boost every single day.  And that lift extends not only to basic happiness about life, but specific satisfaction with our partners.  Good sleep casts the whole world, including our union, in a rosy glow, protecting our relationships by raising mood and giving us generosity of spirit: As people sleep better, they report fewer marriage problems and more happiness in their relationship. 

And according to the growing evidence in sleep science, not only is sleeping well good for your marriage, your happiness, and your health—lowering risks for heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, type 2 diabetes, and other serious conditions—but being partnered is good for your sleep.  Yep.  There’s a break-in period of about a year where people get used to sleeping together, but after that, most folks who are married or partnered sleep better than others.      

It’s a virtuous cycle: As folks are happier in a marriage, they report fewer sleep troubles, and as they sleep better, they report fewer marriage problems.  Having a good marriage can create good sleep, and having good sleep can contribute to the perception and reality of a good marriage. 

Unless you’re married to a snorer.  And a whole lot of us are—67%, in one study of 1,000+ adults.  In sleep studies of couples, one person’s sleep apnea (the most common cause of snoring) deprives *both* people of needed rest.  The oxygen deprivation of sleep apnea can awaken the snorer 27 times an hour—and his or her mate 21 times hourly.  

  Plus, the non-snorer can lose hearing after years of exposure to snoring that reaches the same decibel level as many industrial machines—but only in the ear facing the snorer.  No wonder folks are cranky!  What’s surprising is that only 1/3 of partnered people leave the marital bed at least occasionally to head for separate slumber.  

Yet while high-quality sleep is vital, and I’m a huge fan of the good night’s rest, leaving the marital bed/room probably isn’t the best answer for your partner or your union.     

That’s because, first off, your moving into another room doesn’t fix the problem for your spouse.  He’s still snoring, and if it’s caused by apnea, that means he’s still being awakened perhaps 200+ times a night, still tired and/or cranky, and still at risk for conditions that can literally kill him.  His probable apnea needs to be addressed for him as well as for you, and a separate room doesn’t help with that.  

Second, moving into another room can indeed lessen sex~ and other intimacy.  Just as good marriages usually engender good sleep and good sleep enhances marital happiness, abundant sex typically deepens intimacy in the bedroom and beyond.  In theory, the too-little-sex problem is easily resolved: Spend time in the shared bed for sex, parting to sleep in different rooms; or make a date for a ‘nooner’.  Or…well, you’re smart, and you know your schedule and needs far better than I. 

In reality, though, a lot of human behavior, including sex and other acts of intimacy, boils down to ease of opportunity.  And the greatest ease/opportunity is the couple’s nest, aka the shared bed.  Most couples use the bed for sleep and sex, yes, but also for talking about the day, making plans, watching movies, reading, cuddling, and just Being together.  We use it to be of help to the mate who needs us in the night, and to be comforted when we are the ones in need.  In bed, we take care of one another.  In many ways. 

To lose the shared bed is potentially to lose much of the magic that drew you together, and the nurturing that is part of a great union. 

Solution: Fix The Sleep Problem Without Leaving The Shared Bed

So what do I think?   I think it’s time for your mate to enter a sleep study.  He may resist, as many snorers don’t take the problem seriously; but this could be a matter of health in addition to happiness, and research suggests that repeated reminders (aka Nagging) have saved many a man’s life by getting him to the doctor’s office.  Turns out, most folks with sleep problems require professional assistance to overcome them, and getting the right help often starts with an overnight, in-lab study of how an individual sleeps.  Whether or not apnea is present, when the results are in, your partner will learn what’s causing the snoring and what can be done to end it. 

Weight loss is sometimes one recommendation, but there are other options, such as an airflow mask or a dental device that slightly pulls the lower jaw forward overnight; both maximize oxygen and minimize snores.  Increasingly, insurance covers at least some of the costs, but even out-of-pocket, these methods are so much less expensive and unpleasant than apnea-induced chronic disease.  And you can sleep together—really sleep—again. 

Upshot?  Let’s see if you can fix the sleep problem *for both of you* by ending the snoring instead of the bed-sharing.  About 2/3 of marriage problems are unsolvable, but this isn’t one of them.  In your case, you and your mate can fix this issue and truly have it all –great sleep, more sex, more intimacy, more happiness, and better health.  Go for it. 

Cheers,

Duana

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.

If you have a question for Duana, write to Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com, and a free, confidential response shall be yours!

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

—Author and New York Times “Well” blogger Tara Parker-Pope gives a good overview of research that is specific to sleep quality, marriage happiness, sleep apnea, and snoring solutions in her 2010 book For Better: The science of a good marriage. Her former writing about snoring and marriage includes the articles Sleeping With A Snorer, and Dangers Of Second-Hand Snoring.  

—Study on couples at The Mayo Clinic by Beninati and others, showing that sleep apnea awakens the snorer up to 27 times hourly—and the partner up to 21 times per hour.  

 —Sardesai and others, who found that, over time, sleeping next to a snorer was associated with the partners’ partial deafness in the ear facing the snorer.   

—This Finnish study of couples showed that 1/3 of the bed partners of snorers said the snoring decreased the quality of their marriages.  

—A Mayo Clinic study by Parish & Lyng found that treating sleep apnea increases quality of life for the snorer and the spouse too.  

—This abstract describes Kathleen McCann’s research on the relationship between marital happiness and sleep complaints (more happiness = fewer sleep complaints).  

 —Brant Hasler has also found poor sleep being associated with less relationship satisfaction.    

—Rosalind Cartwright’s pilot study showed that as the husband with apnea used an airflow mask, his wife slept better, and that wives’ input was important in getting husbands to continue using the airflow mask at home.  

 —This blog entry at ScienceDaily, Can Snoring Ruin A Marriage?, indicates that sleep scientists have mounting evidence that snoring is related to divorce, and creates strain in marriage that better sleep can alleviate. 

 — Evidence-based information on sleep apnea, the lottery and happiness (adaptation level phenomenon), sleep and happiness, human behavior as motivated by opportunity and ease (the power of the situation), etc., is found in teaching resources for psychology and emotions, stress, and health, including David G. Myers’ textbooks for Introductory Psychology and Social Psychology, topics about which I teach numerous sections each semester. 

 Related LoveScience articles:

—Most relationship problems cannot be solved, but they can be lived with –happily—nonetheless.  Here’s how: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html

—The adaptation level phenomenon (the tendency to react to good and bad changes by fluctuating levels of happiness at first, but then returning to our usual happiness level) applies not only to good events, such as winning lotteries, but to bad events, like losing love: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html

Comments

[mouse]

What about times when its caused by more than just snoring? I move in my sleep a lot, and my husband is an extremely light sleeper (a small sneeze from me will send him into 100% awake mode, never mind what me accidentaly bumping into him in the middle of the night would do). When we shared a bed either i would stay up trying to not move as much, or he would be woken up constantly, oftentimes both scenarios would play out in one night. Either way, little to no good sleep was to be has between the both of us. Are we doomed? We try and spend time snuggling on the couch, and attempt to recreate the other intimate parts of bed sharing, but I must admit it does happen far less than expected.

[Joan N.]

I agree it's essential to fix whatever the problem is and get back in the same bed!

We are both snorers (or so I am told) and having my husband sleep in the guest room was making us feel like college roommates! The problem was mostly my snoring (or so I am told) and although I've never heard myself and still don't entirely believe I snore (:-))), I felt exhausted day after day.

The solution for me was going to an acupuncturist (thankfully covered by my health plan) and who is working on my sinus issues. Not saying that will work for everyone, but my area of the country is known for its high pollen count and addressing that has helped me sleep more soundly and less loudly (or so I am told) and I do feel better. Also, I walk, do yoga, and take nutritional supplements and Chinese herbs to keep my general health and hormone levels in check.

For us, being together in the marriage bed is hugely symbolic and we found that no amount of effort toward contact during the day (even though we both work at home = lots of opportunity!) could replace physically sleeping together at night. Connecting during the day sounds good, but does it really happen? Not for us, and I was too tired and cranky to make efforts anyway.

So I agree the best answer is to identify and fix the sleep problem as far as possible (not cover it up with white noise, beeswax earplugs, thoughts of mid-day trysts that probably won't happen, etc.) so that one partner doesn't start resenting the other for being kicked out of bed, and they can sleep together healthily ever after ....together. Great article!

[Vincent]

Definitely something that needs to be fixed. I am told I am the snorer and a sleep study confirmed I have mild to moderate sleep apnea. If my wife leaves to another room, I get sad and lonely, so I needed to take corrective action. I am trying a dental device that was fortunately covered by my insurance. So far it seems to be working, although I need to realign my jaw in the morning. I do not like being tied to a machine so this was my best alternative.

As far as restless legs are concerned, I had that with my kids when they were young and wanted to sleep with us. Fortujnately, it wasn't both at once since I needed to rest my leg on them so they would not kick. Needless to say, they don't sleep with us anymore. :-)

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear Mouse,

Good sleep is so needed; I see why you and your mate aren't sharing the bed all night long. But it sounds like you'd like to return to a way to sleep together, and that you've noticed a drop-off in sex when you're not bed-sharing.

I'm assuming you've already tried things like putting pillows between you in the bed (so that when you move, he doesn't feel it). Fact is, most folks aren't able to resolve their sleep issues on their own. You could have restless leg syndrome; he could have a neurological issue that is preventing deep sleep. And without a sleep study, you probably won't know, or be in a good position to address the problem.

Upshot? I doubt you're doomed ;). But I agree with the sentiment that things could be better, and I'd still recommend a sleep study--for both of you, since your husband awakens so easily--, in case it unearths something neither of you is noticing.

Best of luck, and thank you for writing!

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Joan, Vincent, great hearing from you, and thank you for sharing your success stories.

You both reminded me of something I read in researching this article: Snorers frequently make light of the issue and try to avoid sleep studies or finding a solution. You each decided to take the issue seriously, and find a solution. And you're both happier with the intimacy that resulted--not just the sexual intimacy, but everything else that goes along with being in bed with one's beloved.

Thank you for sharing.