Q&A from "Why 'Better Than Nothings' Aren't"
Wise Readers,
What if you met the right person at the wrong time? Is there just One True Love for everyone? What if *you’re* the BTN—how do you be the bad guy? And (bonus) what’s the single-biggest predictor of whom you’ll marry?
Read on!
—Isn’t Love Rare? What If There’s Just One Right Person Out There? What If We Walk Away From Our Only Chance?! —
From Joan:
Great article! My heart aches for Judson, and I’m intrigued by the statement, “We falsely believe love is rare …”
It isn’t?
Might it be that Cora is Judson’s only match? Or does each of us have many possible love matches …? (What a relief that would be. It would make it much easier when dating to say “NEXT!”)
Duana’s response: How To Tell A Bad Match, & The Myth O’ The One True Love
Hi, Joan, astutely put as usual! Not only isn’t Cora Judson’s only match; she’s no match for him at all.
By definition, anyone who doesn’t want us—for whatever reason—is wrong for us no matter how well-suited otherwise. A true match loves us back, unreservedly.
Which means that…
—The right person at the wrong time? Is still the wrong person.
—The Friend who seems ideal but can offer nothing more? Is still the wrong person.
—The commitmentphobe who wants enough of us to use up our time…but not enough to publicly or permanently acknowledge the relationship? Is still the wrong person.
Yet I think you’re very close to the Core of why folks stick it out in many a doomed affair: The Myth Of The One True Love.
Science strongly suggests that there’s not just One Intended Lover for any of us. To wit, people don’t avoid marriage forever because they haven’t found The One. For example, the world is not rife with tales of folks who never wed because The One For Them lived in Greenland and they themselves hailed from Uganda.
Instead, people all over the world tend to marry the person they fall in love with when they are of the average marriageable age in their culture. In the USA, that’s around age 27 for men and 25 for women. The odds that all those people just happen to find The One And Only Possible Match at just that age, right there in their own neighborhood/university/job are scant at best.
The logical explanation is that there are many possible someones for everyone. As a client of mine once said, “I know there are many potential men out there for me, but I hope when I fall in love with one of them, it seems like there could have been no other choice.” (That worked out for her, I’m happy to report.)
Put prosaically, love is as real and beautiful as wildflowers—and equally common. And just as the wildflowers return each year, chances at love do come ‘round again.
So although we often believe we’d better make it work out with whomever we happen to love, the smarter thing would be to try to increase exposure to genuinely good matches—and then choose the good match who returns our fervor.
(For an article that tells how to do that, click here or visit http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html)
Or as I told Judson in a private letter, “Why put off happiness any longer when you don’t have to? There is a woman (no, there are several!) who wants someone just like you. And she’s having to wait while you putter around with a woman who can’t give you her heart.”
Next!
—But What If You’re The BTN? How Do You Be The Bad Guy?—
From Ronda:
So what do you do if you are the girl who is someone’s BTN and you just aren’t that into them.
I cared about this guy a lot…a ton, like more than friends, but our personalities clash and our relationship was toxic. It hurt us and our friends. So I broke it off cold turkey and that lasted for about a month and a half till I was really done being obsessed with him.
Now I don’t want a relationship and he does, and it’s turned me into that girl stringing him along, when he knows I don’t want anything with him. Do you have any tips for those of us who have to be the bad guy?
Duana’s response:
Dear Ronda, I’ve gotten a couple private responses about this article that said, in a nutshell: “Hey, Cora needs to quit letting this guy hang around if she knows he’s in love and there’s no hope. It’s cruel.”
Well—maybe, maybe not. Fact is, Cora had been honest with Judson on more than one occasion, at least in terms of her words. She had told him from the start that the spark wasn’t there for her, and had reminded him of that when he expressed More to her later on.
Yet she continued *behaving* in ways that could readily be construed as leading Judson on. She allowed him to take her on dates (whether or not that’s what she called them), she let him take care of her when she was sick, she permitted all the non-sexual attentions a lover would lavish.
And in my view, she shouldn’t have. But I wonder what you and other Wise Readers think? Is Judson solely responsible for taking care of himself? Or does Cora bear some responsibility in her actions and not just her words?
??
Which brings us to your question of how to be the bad guy: State your feelings (or lack thereof) cleanly, quickly and honorably. Tell your Friend—for whom you’re the BTN—that “I enjoy our friendship and I value your presence in my life. But I do not have romantic or sexual feelings for you, and that is not going to change.”
And if your conscience guides you to spend less time with him—or no time at all—then you can add this: “I’m taking up the time you’d need to find someone else, and I need to free up my own time, too. I’m going to need to stop spending any time with you for a long while.” You can work out what details the timeframe needs to follow, but my recommendation to your Friend remains what I told Judson: When your Friend could calmly see you kissing another man, the Friendship can safely resume, but not before.
Ronda, if you’d like to see how men and women said they want to be broken up with, I did a small study on that, and the Love Science article is posted here:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/texting-your-breakup-whether-when-how-why.html
Thanks for your question—and good luck as you determine next moves regarding your Friend.
BONUS! —The #1 Predictor Of Who Marries Whom— And How To Arrange Your Kid’s Marriage Without Really Trying—
From Joan:
Thanks for your reply - I love it. What a relief! Having known this information earlier would have saved me a lot of angst in the dating years. I’m waaaay past that now, but my daughter is just approaching ….
I plan to start planting the seeds in her mind right now that there really are many fish in the sea … and many wildflowers in the field … and that holding out for the genuinely good match who returns her fervor is in her best and most enlightened self-interest.
As mothers, don’t we all want the best for our daughters? And to save them as far as possible from the painful mistakes we have made? Personally, I don’t want my own daughter in the painful position of either Judson or Cora … no offense intended.
Also, I agree with “trying to increase exposure to genuinely good matches” in my daughter’s marriageable years as you define as around age 25. (So young?!! I thought women were having careers first, and then marrying and starting families later …?)
Accordingly, the conniving portion of my protective Mom Brain thinks that sending my daughter to a small, elite college of the highest academic quality she can handle (and that I can afford …) would be a swell idea. In other words, get her in the right place at the right time.
Don’t students tend to pair up with whoever is available at school? Having my daughter in a virtual sea of well-educated and potentially excellent providers I think would be perfect. Add the idea of NEXT! if the man in scope doesn’t return the fervor, and I could emerge as the World’s Best Social-Engineering-Meddling-Mama ever (as Kate Middleton’s mama has been accused of by some unkind commentators …) but … well.. so what.
All kidding aside, is this a scientifically-sound plan to get my daughter on the right track? (And, seriously, I *do* want my daughter to marry for LOVE, not money —that’s been working out very well for me :-) She’s an only child, and I won’t be around forever. I want to be sure she is well-provided for (don’t all mothers feel this way?), and *of course* I am insisting that she get the best education possible and be able to take care of herself. At the same time, I’d like to set up her for success, rather than failure in love. While I’m a big believer in the power of the Almighty - i.e, the Universe will bring us what we need when we need it — I also believe it’s enlightened self-interest to generally place oneself in the general right place at the general right time. For example, an excellent university during the age 20’s, and stay for an advanced degree so you’re still in the right sea at age 25 …?
As my Grandma used to say, “Honey, it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one …” I think I’m finally beginning to get what she was trying to say ….
I’m interested to know your take on this.
Duana’s response:
Dear Joan, I hear you and would not feel one whit bad about having the feelings you do, nor about planning accordingly. In fact, a Love Scientist of my acquaintance shares many of those feelings and plans regarding her own children :).
Before I give you the science, here’s a true story that underscores the point.
A woman I know of wanted to marry for both love and money. She had come from poverty herself and felt ground to dust by it. So she hatched a plan to rent the garage of a home in an elite neighborhood. Every day, she wore her cutest outfits while taking her dog on a leisurely stroll; single men approached her to talk. Eventually, some of these men asked her out. One fell in love with her—and she with him. They married for love.
Why do I know about her? Because she was interviewed on TV, where she was being portrayed as a gold-digger. Her husband was present, and he was not at all upset with his wife’s (to use your term) conniving behavior. “Look,” said he, “My wife set things up so she only met rich men. But she did not marry just any rich man who wanted her, she married the one she loved in return. And I adore her.” Or words to that effect.
Social psychology shows that the single biggest predictor of who we’re going to marry is geographic nearness. It is literally true that 90% of Americans marry someone whose home or office they could have *walked* to from their own home or office.
Likewise, it’s true that people are most likely to pair off with someone they sit next to, rather than someone down the hall; likelier they’ll fall for the one down the hall than the one down the stairs; etc. That’s because being physically close creates repeated exposure—and repeated exposure, in turn, creates feelings of liking and safety and trust…and attraction.
(Geez, no wonder the biggest affair source is work…)
The woman in the story understood—as you do—that when we pick environments, we are not merely selecting places to shop or live or worship. We are picking *people*. She picked an environment where all the people met a core criterion—and then wed the one she loved who met that criterion.
In her case, she valued money. But I’ve had clients who wanted a beautiful partner, or a Catholic partner, or a Jewish partner, or a lesbian partner, or a gay partner, or an educated partner. And in every case, those folks who knew of a rock-bottom Standard were best off when they put themselves in an environment where that kind of person was to be found in abundance.
Which is waaaay smarter than wanting a Jewish mate but failing to attend synagogue—or wanting a well-educated partner but avoiding universities!
Upshot? Joan, if you choose an environment for your daughter that reflects what you’d like her to have in a partner, she can then fall in love with one of the men who fits your bill. It won’t ruin her happiness, and it will help ease your mind.
Families around the world still do this with great formality. It’s called an arranged marriage—and it very often works.
So go forth guiltlessly if not guilelessly. Thanks for a good question!
Cheers,
Duana
If this article intrigued, captivated, elevated or explicated you or your understanding of relationships, please click “share article” below to distribute to your favorite social media websites.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
Related Love Science articles:
—Why Better Than Nothings are worse than anything: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/why-better-than-nothings-arent.html#comments
—Can Women & Men Really Be Just Friends—and nothing more?
—Q&A for whether men and women can be Just Friends
—How to tell she’s just not that into you (or is she?)
—Getting Over Her (how to heal a broken heart)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html
—Settling 101 (Are your standards too high?)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
—When Men Wait For Sex (why men do and don’t get addicted to love)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-wait-for-sex-dumb-like-a-fox.html
—Sex & The (Happily) Single Girl (how women get addicted to love)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-the-happily-single-girl.html
—How To Break Up
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/texting-your-breakup-whether-when-how-why.html
The author wishes to thank the myriad sources in the above Love Science articles. Additionally, I thank relationship author Susan Page for her insights into BTN’s (Better Than Nothings). Although Ms. Page’s work is not based in science, it is startlingly correct as viewed through social science’s lens, and I highly recommend this book in particular for singletons who want to be paired:
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and Love Science Media, 2011.
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Reader Comments (4)
I should let this guy i know read this. maybe then he will understand that when i say "theres nothing there" he will believe me.
Dear S.S., by all means, do share the link. Sometimes it's easier to hear it from someone else!
Great article! So how do you know if a person you feel is "the one" (but you haven't gotten together yet) is actually a NEXT or if you should keep at it?
Hi, Ginger,
Great question. Strangely enough, many people blunder through love simply because they're not clear about what they want--and what they won't settle for.
So start by knowing what you must have--your deal-breakers/must-haves and wants; compare your Potential Right Person to your list; and pass up anyone who lacks even *one* of your must-haves (or possesses even one deal-breaker). An article about how and why to do that is here:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
That one step will save you a tremendous amount of time and heartache by eliminating BTN's from your consideration. It's hard to fall in love with the wrong person if you never date the wrong person! Bonus: Knowing what you must have and sticking to it means you'll be free for the *right* matches.
Second, Maya Angelou may have been correct when she famously said, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." But you shouldn't *only* rely on the man himself. Use all the other sources of information you have about this guy--most notably, what his friends, family, co-workers and (especially!) ex-wives/girlfriends say about him. The best predictor of a person's future behavior is their past behavior, and the best resource for learning about that is from *other* people. Ignoring that information sets us up for heartache and worse.
And third, trust your gut. Actually, I should have put that one first.
Here's an article about using your intuition, careful questions and openness to other people as a vetting process:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/ignorance-or-ignore-ance-how-to-prevent-abuse.html
The Big Idea? You can--and if you aren't careful, will--fall in love with the wrong person. Using the above, you'll avoid the wrong ones quickly and find love with a man where the love will last.
Thanks again for a great question!
Cheers,
Duana