Q&A for "What To Do When She's Not (Ever) In The Mood"

Wise Readers,

Why isn’t it a good idea to have sex just to keep a mate happy—and why does the Attitude matter so much?  Isn’t low desire experienced at some point by *everyone*?  What’s the difference between “not tonight, Honey,” and true libidinous lack—and when does normal behavior cross the line into a disorder?   Could Emma just be asexual?  Read on!

From Jolene: 

I’d like to emphasize one of your [reader’s points in the survey] - “Fake it til you make it” does NOT always work, and can be damaging to the marriage.

In fact, for me it was the watershed moment for wanting a divorce. We had already been having difficulties, and although he would say he loved me, his actions went completely counter to that verbalization (yelling at me and the kids, a gruff and hard demeanor, resistance to drug or cognitive therapy for diagnosed depression). He refused my requests for marriage counseling, even after I told him I was at the end and the situation needed to change. The last time he approached me for sex I responded, only to feel used, unappreciated — a whore in my own bed. That was it.

When I told him I wanted a divorce, can you imagine… he apparently was “shocked” and “heartbroken” that I was done. Strange how some people can be so self absorbed that they can’t hear or see the people around them.

Duana’s response:

Dear Jolene,

Thank you for writing in. I agree with you regarding whether “faking it til you make it”, as suggested by one Wise Reader, is a good fix for low desire. In your situation, it sounds as if you were being treated too badly for you to want sex with your ex (please see my comment to Monica and Tom, below). I hope you’ve found relief from what sounds like a very painful partnership.

I think the point of The Circumstances surrounding Just Saying Yes need some further explanation. Here’s the information I had in my first draft:

“Have sex anyway? Depends on the reason. Impett and others’ research showed that if your motivation is conflict avoidance or keeping your partner from abandoning you, that’s actually associated with *greater* odds you’ll be dumped. Even worse, let’s say you have sex with a good attitude and your partner *believes* you’re just going along to get along; unfortunately, your partner’s *perception* that’s happening is also connected to your getting dumped.

“So if you’re Just Saying Yes or initiating the sex, make sure you do it for reasons unlikely to harm your marriage. Those reasons include doing it because you want to feel emotional closeness, you like giving and don’t resent it, and you get in the mood once sex is underway (or find your drive revved, as one Wise Reader said happens for her).”

Or, as another Wise Reader in her 40’s put it, “I deal with [low desire during non-ovulation weeks] by spontaneously offering skillful hand-jobs. I can do this with love and a good will. I think he enjoys getting to just lie back and let it happen, so it’s a win for everyone.”

From what I’ve learned, the spirit of generosity and love apparent in this would help a union like Emma’s as long as it was clearly and repeatedly communicated to Sid that Emma *likes* doing these things for and with him.

From Monica:

This is all very interesting. I’m surprised that everyone hasn’t experienced low desire at some point in their lives. I have to wonder how many people are less often “in the mood”, partly because what they consider to be normal frequency is greater than what occurs in their bedrooms.

From Tom:

I would make a distinction between having “low desire” and “not being in the mood.”  I have had (a few, not many) times when I was not in the mood. They were the result of being distracted, stressed, p*ssed off perhaps. I have had (very few) times when I wasn’t able … due to fatigue or to some anxiousness about the situation.

I have never experienced low desire as characterized by “Ehh - I can take it or leave it.” Heck, I can still remember my elementary school crushes and the first time that the crush was more than “gee she’s cute.” Thank you, Gina.

So at least for this one man, there seems to be a sharp delineation between the concept of low desire, not-in-the-mood, and dysfunction.

Duana’s response:

 Dear Monica and Tom,

Thank you for asking the questions I hoped someone would ask! Doesn’t everyone experience low desire sometime? Where to draw the line between just not being in the mood right now, having low desire more generally, and actual dysfunction?

Monica, reality supports your musing that ” I’m surprised that everyone hasn’t experienced low desire at some point in their lives.” Indeed, most people have times when they are stressed, tired, grieving, or are simply involved with a partner to whom they have zero attraction (the chemistry is not there with everyone, after all).

To wit, the #1 reason men and women gave in our survey (22% of respondents) for their *own* low desire was being stressed and/or tired. And how much relaxation people needed in order to reconnect with their lust varied a lot; one woman age 50 said it takes her two weeks (“not a typo”). Another woman in her mid-20’s was simply dating a partner who didn’t ring her bell: “It wasn’t me, it was him.” She found a new bell-ringer.

Situational stress comes and goes, and although it’s connected to having moments of being Not In The Mood, it doesn’t seem to be scientifically considered a source of low desire that persists over time. (And Emma, if you’re reading this, the reason I didn’t suggest you relax is that I guessed it was unlikely you were continually stressed for 12 years…at least, I certainly hope not.)

Moving into longer-term causes of low desire (as opposed to just not feeling in the mood on a particular day), one enormous cause for many people (esp. those with two X chromosomes) is resentment, anger and emotional distance from a partner who treats them badly, or with whom the dynamic has gotten way, way off track (Jolene, you might id with part of that).

In the first draft of this article, in fact, I included this statement, based on science showing Bad Relationships are a primary reason for women’s low desire:

“If you’re seething with resentment, anger or disappointment (such as about money, infertility, in-laws), you may want to know these feelings are a leading cause of women’s low libido (Althof et al., 2004).”

But later, I removed the statement because I didn’t think it made sense for Emma. Her desire was never present, even from the start with her marriage…

Finally, Tom, I’d like to acknowledge your view that there’s a further distinction between low desire, which is indeed of longer duration than having the occasional Night Off/Off Night, and having an actual dysfunction. There is quite a bit of debate among sex researchers as to how, or even whether, the term “dysfunction” should even be used with low desire. This is for at least two reasons:

1. In general, if a person does not herself define her sexual experience as troubling to her, it is not a dysfunction or disorder;

2. Usually, a problem that is so common would be considered a normal annoyance or maybe just a fact of life—but not a dysfunction or disorder.

Last, there is a full range of low desire, including women (and very few men) who say they *never* experience it—like Emma, for whom it’s not a question of whether she’s in the mood today, but whether the mood ever strikes or ever has struck. These situations strongly point to hormonal issues, past sexual abuse and/or shaming sexual teaching when they were forming their identities.

Thanks again for expanding on some important points.

From Gillian:

Great article and masterfully written - loved it! I enjoy how your wit (mental floss!) takes the edge off the clinical aspects. Additionally, the folk wisdom of your readers is a gold mine. I found myself nodding again and again.

As for me, I’m on bio-identical hormone replacement therapy, and fall mostly into the category of “Sex? Yep, I’ll get to that,” with all its variations. But if I wait to have sex with my husband until I’m thin, my legs are shaved, my house is clean, and my desk is clear (all at the same time) that would be on the exact hour that h*ll freezes over.

PS: I wanted to clarify: I do take a low dosage of testosterone as part of my bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. For me, it works like magic. My obgyn monitors my overall program. I go about every 6 months to be re-evaluated; presently I’m off the T for while. Bloodwork is one way to test the levels, but there’s a wide range of “normal,” so my doc takes her cue from how I feel.

Duana’s response:

Dear Gillian, I, too, love the Wisdom that our many loyal Readers contribute in the surveys. Many times, the responses are detailed and clearly took a lot of time. I appreciate the effort every one of them puts forth in sharing their experience so as to help others.

And it’s good to hear from someone who has tried hormone replacement therapy with success! Apparently, it’s a really helpful option for many women, especially those whose bodies never produced many androgens, or those who are nearing or passing menopause. Without testosterone, even the strongest drive can take a significant dive.

Also, I enjoyed your description of Not Waiting To Have Sex Until Life Is Perfect. Research does indicate that many sexually satisfied couples *plan* sex with their spouse—or else sex won’t happen; a Wise Survey Respondent agreed, saying she and her husband have pre-set sex dates every Wednesday and Sunday (and other days if desired).

Although that can sound unromantic, it could be argued it’s a lot more romantic than never having sex…and also, it can be a lot of fun to look forward to the times you’ve planned to be together in the fullest sense.

Thanks again for sharing your experience and observations.

From Joan:

Duana, I like your Folk Wisdom Surveys. They are gentle, well-designed, and UNintimidating. They draw out the most amazing, deep, and interesting replies from your readers. I love the survey’s anonymity, as well. It’s so liberating being given permission to comment freely and honestly about sensitive issues.

I feel bad for Emma, and hope she is helped by the valuable information in the article and comments. However, if she’s not, I tend to agree with the observation by your reader who wrote:

—50 y.o. man: I don’t see the point of *trying* to want sex more if she doesn’t want sex.

Isn’t there a segment of our population that is simply “asexual” (or whatever the term would be), i.e., who enjoy companionship, but necessarly sex? If humans can be bi-sexual, heterosexual, homosexual, and transexual, aren’t some of us simply …. asexual?

Duana’s response:

Hi, Joan,

Nice hearing from you! I’m glad you find the surveys to be a safe way to say some things that many find difficult to reveal if personally and individually identified. Thanks for letting me know, because putting folks at their ease is a big part of the surveys’ objective.

Also, I love your comment regarding whether Emma might simply be asexual; one Wise Reader in her 40’s mused about that on the survey, and I wondered as well. In fact, the first draft of the article included this:

“Because you’ve never yet experienced sexual desire in 12 years of marriage, and were a virgin prior, ask yourself: Might you be asexual? About 1% of adults are—in which case, you don’t necessarily have a disorder but an orientation that is not working in your relationship.”

I later removed that paragraph, because

a) it’s statistically much likelier that low testosterone is involved, and

b) many people who are asexual are aware that they have no desire for sex, that they never did, and that they never expected to want it. Some interviews I’ve read (admittedly more in the category of individual experience and not scientifically collected information) basically indicate the asexual persons as thinking sex is a really odd thing to do, and something they themselves grew up knowing they would not be partaking of.

So, it sounded to me as if Emma had expected to enjoy her sexual life—expected to want sex—and it didn’t happen.

But I don’t really know. I never found out for certain whether Emma had ever, at any point in her life, wanted or felt drawn to sex.

If she is asexual, I’m not aware of the research on how best to deal with that in the context of an ongoing relationship where the other person wants sex. How do folks resolve this mixed orientation? Do they deal with it similarly to how people deal with a gay-straight marriage? (The research probably exists. I just haven’t explored it yet.) I think that could be a good future Love Science topic, though.

Thanks for the ideas.

Cheers,

Duana

If this article surprised, enlightened, or assisted you or someone you love in any way, please click “share article” below to distribute to your favorite social media.

Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com. 

Related Love Science articles:

Emma’s letter that was basis for today’s article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-what-to-do-when-shes-not-ever-in-the-mood.html

The full article on which this Q&A was based (includes survey results):  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/what-to-do-when-shes-not-ever-in-the-mood.html

Do It Yourself sex therapy / sensate focus: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sos-save-our-sexlife-or-do-it-yourself-sex-therapy-when-your.html

Q&A regarding DIY sex therapy /sensate focus: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-save-our-sexlife-diy-sex-therapy-when-your-guy-has-ed.html

Parenting children for healthy sexuality: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-kids-have-questionsyouve-got-answers.html

Q&A for growing healthy sexuality in kids:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-s-e-x-kids-have-questions-youve-got-answers.html

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

—Suzanne West and colleagues, for outstanding research on the prevalence of low desire and no desire among American women.  

—Emily Impett and colleagues’ recent publication about the way a woman’s *reason* (or even just what her mate assumes is her reason) for saying yes to sex affects the relationship’s survival. 

—Susan Davis for research showing testosterone’s effect on women’s sexual desire, and Irwin Goldstein’s overview of that research.

—Christine Purdon and Laura Holdaway, for examining un-sexy thoughts that lower libido. 

—Leah Leonard and Victoria Follette, for research about women’s sexual abuse history during childhood and their adult desire levels. 

—Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for Understanding Human Sexuality.   Everyone with a body needs a human sexuality textbook; this is my favorite, and provided the starting place for much research in this article. 

—William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, of course.  They invented sensate focus and changed the world for countless couples with mismatched sexual desire long before medical interventions.  Their book Human Sexual Inadequacy (1970) is a sex therapy classic. 

—David D. Burns for bringing cognitive behavioral therapy to everyone with his Feeling Good Handbook . 

—Paul Joannides’ The Guide to Getting It On !  It’s the most fun you can have with a layman’s how-to. 

—And if you just want to read a quick, accurate overview of general sensate focus techniques on the Internet, this was the resource I found to be most clear: http://www.partnertherapy.com/node/365

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2011.