Women As Sex Objects: Youth, beauty, and beating the odds
Dear Duana,
Wives usually outlive their husbands, and no one seems to want a woman (read: old) who cannot fulfill her “duty” of looking hot and having children. And there are a lot of “old” women out there. This just depresses me more the more I age, even though I’m happily married. So my question is: How much hope exists for the post-menopausal woman to find another marriage partner after being widowed?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
First, the bad news: Although about 25% of widowers over 65 remarry, only 5% of 55-year-old women wed again. Sure, some women may be in permanent mourning, but not most; instead, men’s universal preference for youth and beauty locks many middle-aged and older women out of the marriage market. To wit, younger widows are the likeliest to find romantic partners, but economic success is important for a man’s ability to remarry—which goes along with male and female mating preferences the world over.
And much as we’d like to believe otherwise, beauty is an objective, mathematically identifiable fact. Men worldwide value a woman with smooth and clear skin, good teeth, symmetrical features—and a waist about 30% smaller than her hips. In fact, the hot waist-hip ratio is a constant across the globe at all discernable points in history in art, porn, and even in modern studies where men circle the silhouette they find most appealing. Men don’t consciously think, “Oh, would you look at those fantastic child-bearing hips! Gotta tap that!” But women with the 7/10ths ratio are the most fertile; and as we move away from it, we also leave youth, health and fertility behind. So, what seems a shallow desire in men—as women’s gold-digging must seem to them—is quite deeply based in reproductive success.
Unfortunately, our genes want their own survival, not necessarily our happiness, and they have no “off” switch—so even older men continue pursuit of The Young And The Breasted, even if they don’t want more kids, have a vasectomy, or would be embarrassed if/when mistaken for their date’s dad.
But what if you want to defy the odds? Here’s how in five (mostly) easy steps:
1. Remember that Character Counts. We’ve all met him/her: The Gorgeous One who appears anything but as soon as the mouth opens, revealing an appalling poverty of soul. Turns out, men and women everywhere seek certain Core Characteristics in a partner: lovingness, kindness, intelligence approximately equal to theirs, and fidelity. Nowhere are hateful, stupid, cheating mates in general demand. So there has to be substance to back up your style.
One element of that style should be sexual restraint until a real emotional attachment has formed on his side—unless all you’re seeking is a fling. Waiting to have sex activates the she’s-high-status/not-a-cheater male mating psych, and gets his dopamine rising, helping him fall in love with you if he’s so inclined. But having sex too soon has many men repeating Groucho Marx’s line: “I wouldn’t join any club that would have someone like me for a member.”
Therefore, Be Your (Best) Self With Appropriate Boundaries—and proceed confidently to step two.
2. Although who you *are* keeps the man, how you *look* gets his initial attention. Which means the most direct route to securing The Approach is—of course— to continue looking young and hot, to the most reasonable extent you can.
Don’t starve yourself, though. Most American men prefer an average-weight woman— not a human stick insect, as women incorrectly conclude. Also, weight plumps the face, making you look younger. Recent research on identical twins shows that the heavier twin is usually judged as considerably younger—7 years, in some cases—once middle age is reached (before midlife, the reverse is true).
Whatever you do, *never* show an outdated or misleading photo of yourself, or lie about your age (please refer to “Character Counts,” above). Men will not, as women often assume, feel drawn in by your charm despite the false physical advertising. Instead, they’ll only feel angry once they see the real you—much as you might feel if a prospective date hinted that he was a financially stable professor, but turned out to be a struggling grad student with $70,000 in debt and no plan to pay it down.
3. Become familiar and be friendly. We all want to think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but that part comes only after a man begins to really know you. So…let him get to know you. The mere exposure effect demonstrates that familiarity breeds contentment, not contempt. And men regularly fall for mere mortals they’ve gotten to know in social organizations. Strategy? Pick some testosterone-laden places you’d like to go; go often (without a posse); and use the Women’s Most Successful Pick-Up Tactic In The World: Smile and make eye contact.
4. Be the younger woman. Science has found a pain-free way to lose years fast: Date men whose age exceeds yours by a decade or more, because once in their 50’s, men reliably prefer this age gap or greater. And please don’t automatically reject men because of their age while expecting them to ignore yours…
5. Lower your standards for your prospective mate’s success—money, education, property ownership, an Oscar…None of this matters if you’re done raising babies and have satisfied your own survival needs. Crying foul while pursuing your own genetically driven plan is not only unfair, it’s almost guaranteed to keep you alone once you’re nearing/passing menopause. Only a quarter of men are remarrying after their wife’s death—typically, the wealthier men who can command a younger audience. A sizeable portion of the other 75% might wed, too, if financially secure women their own age would relax their standards for material goods.
Elizabeth, not only do the data show this to be sound, but without exception, every woman I know who married at or after mid-life implemented some version of this plan. So go forth with optimism, wear sunscreen, exercise…and enjoy your husband and the happiness you share now.
Cheers,
Duana
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
W.P. Cleveland, for research regarding “Remarriage probability after widowhood”
Devendra Singh, for evidence regarding the waist-to-hip ratio and its importance in female beauty
David M. Buss, for multi-cultural research regarding what men and women really want, and why they want it
If this article piqued, intrigued or otherwise inspired you, it might help others as well. Please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2010
Share Article Print Article Permalink tagged Dating, Evolutionary Psychology, Male Female Differences, Marriage, Sexuality
Reader Comments (7)
Hi again . . . this is a great site and I learn so much from it.
So, I am a 54-year-old man who is single again, after 20 years of marriage and four fine sons. I don't feel a real need to be married again, but I would gladly be partnered and exclusive. I'd like to add some observations to your list for women who are seeking a man . . .
#1 - absolutely on target. Having someone with whom I can converse naturally (because our interests, experiences, and educational backgrounds are aligned) is the best. Being able to nod and laugh, instead of shrugging and grimacing . . .
#2 - I'd offer "healthy, happy and active" as an alternative reading to "young and hot". I definitely agree with the magic ratio. Curves are tough to resist! Shiny soft hair, cut stylishly, rocks. Anyone can benefit from a little "What Not to Wear" treatment, be it woman or man. A man can't really **tell** how old you are . . . he can only hazard a guess from your skin, hair, shape and style. And, come to think of it, I would rather be with someone close to my age (so we have those shared experiences) rather than someone much older *or* younger than I am. I guess that last point will vary for different people.
#3 - familiar and friendly? Yep. It's easy to fall for someone who thinks you are cool, too. People who are curious and interested in other people seem to have a built-in hotness.
#4 - Be the younger woman? Well, sure, I would not have disqualified a cool, smart 35 yr old . . . but my baby is 48+ and that seems just perfect. When I was first single, I was meeting and dating women 2 to 5 years *older* than me. Their ages were not the problem (I was very attracted to them), but problems cropped up with some of the other factors (matches in education, money, attitudes etc.).
#5 - Just don't screen out people on the basis of our pedigrees, I guess. It goes back to wanting to be with someone who thinks I am great the way that I am. Don't want to be "tested" or "sized up", just want to enjoy shared time and space. And plenty of us guys are willing to make the effort for *you*, too.
Peace ;-) T
Clever advice for people who want to fall in love again. Love is indeed sweeter the next time. Keep up the good loving here on your blog. By the way, it might interest you too to have your own free and easy to manage love and relationship forum. Good luck.
Dear Tom and Mitch, I don't recognize your voices from earlier Q&A's--Welcome, and thank you for your kind and thought-full responses. (Mitch, I'm interested in your idea regarding a relationship forum. Please write to me privately, if you don't mind doing so, at Duana@LoveScienceMedia, and tell me more.) I hope you'll contribute again soon.
Tom, thank you for your thorough and considered response. I find your #2 point to be particularly important and intriguing: "A man can't really **tell** how old you are . . . he can only hazard a guess from your skin, hair, shape and style. And, come to think of it, I would rather be with someone close to my age (so we have those shared experiences) rather than someone much older *or* younger than I am." There's a lot in what you say, and I'd like to offer some more to go with it.
Women today do have an unprecedented opportunity to extend the appearance of youth and beauty. I don't think many men would find Julia Roberts unappealing--even though she's now passed an age that would have disqualified her as a female romantic lead only a generation ago. A man's mating psychology is geared to note the *appearance* of youth and beauty, because in the ancient past from which that psychology descends, only the very young and healthy could have pulled it off. Now, we women have Options to emit those visual cues while being Of A Certain Age.
Unfortunately, though, the vast, vast majority of men do, really and truly, continue to express an outright preference for women who are chronologically younger than they are, and to at least attempt acting on that preference. This can be seen in numerous studies using various methods, including studies where men are asked to specify the age range they would most desire. Examine men's filters on dating sites, and it's apparent they're not even looking at profiles of older (and, if the man is in his 40's and 50's, same-age) women the vast majority of the time. Analyses of personals ads the world over, and glimpses into arranged marriages, also show that as men get older, the age gap they prefer widens. And it does not widen in the direction of wanting an older woman.
Naturally, there are exceptions, such as your ownself. Science is fantastic at predicting what most of the people will do most of the time--but no method aside from my Magic 8 Ball shows what all of the people will do all of the time. Just as studies of smoking and cancer are valid even though some people use tobacco 'til they're 100 and die peacefully of old age, science continues to be accurate as a general predictor of What (insert the adjective) These Mortals Be. Which is why I Love Science ;).
And you're absolutely correct that it would be to men's (and women's) long-term-relationship-happiness advantage if men preferred a partner their own age once they no longer needed or wanted to create new life, as you yourself have been open to doing. The data could not be clearer: The best path to Finding the right person is finding a Match in as many regards as we possibly can, and studies show that age-gaps greater than 9 years are a divorce risk. Sharing an age means sharing a generation, a set of experiences, perhaps a set of values--All Good for long-term happiness. But since our mating psychology comes from a time when life was brutish and short, our Genes aren't quite as interested in our whole-life happiness as I would like them to be.
Finally, you're right that "healthy and active" could be a better word choice than "hot" (although I won't budge on "young", lol). The word "hot" can be misconstrued as "tramp"--when what's actually needed to attract a man long-term rather than for one night is allure that simultaneously communicates beauty and fidelity (anti-tramp).
And different men will find different women alluring, even though it's clear that nearly every man (and woman) can and will agree on whether a particular individual is beautiful. For instance, lots of studies have had men and women rate photos of total strangers' looks on a 1-10 scale, and the agreement is startling. But Beautiful In General is not the same thing as Beautiful To Me. Some men want the librarian-type; some the athlete; some the mysterious classic beauty. Whatever the specific type, though--men do want the curves and clear skin to go with it.
Some things just never go out of style.
Thanks again.
Hey, you called me a "scent-sitive guy" last time I was here . . . I laughed. ;-)
To a fairly large entent, these tips all boil down to (as Jon Stewart puts it), "Be a bleeping person!" It's all about being a decent human being, getting out there and connecting to other humans, not lying, putting your best foot forward when it comes to packaging yourself, and not pre-judging men by their pocketbooks and birthdates.
Since being a bleeping person and getting a life are totally beneficial whether you succeed at re-mating or not, it seems like this is a pretty good deal. Get involved in groups that attract men -- so you get out and do interesting things, maybe try a new hobby -- that's good. Looking young and cute generally involves stuff like sunscreen (which prevents bad evil skin cancer), nutrition (scurvy is a big turn-off), and a reasonable amount of exercise.
Similarly, training yourself *not* to pre-judge men on their wealth or other spawning-related markers might just help you (and me) to choose companions based on things that truly matter. And putting yourself into the best packaging you can will positively affect many areas of your life. Trust me, as a person who works at home, I find that I am more productive and interested in life if I dress in a manner such that I could (at least theoretically) go outside and interact with humans than if I wear the old sweats with the ketchup stains.
And yet, sadly enough, it may well be that none of these tips will work for me in my possible future widowhood.
Being as I've always been attracted to the silver fox type, or perhaps more the "silverback" type -- men at least 35 years old, and usually about 10 years my senior -- I have my own little issue: I couldn't really date guys I found attractive until my mid-20s (because 35 year olds who want to date teenagers are quite creepy). And the pool will be even smaller if/when I am a widow. The period of my life when I can realistically pick and chose started late and will end early. It's good that I have Asperger's and therefore enjoy having a lot of time to myself!
Oh, if only I could develop a taste for younger men and enough money to hire Debbie Reynold's plastic surgeon by then! (Seriously, the woman is 78 and has a face tighter than a drum skin.)
I wonder if the fact that I am expecting to be alone for the last 20 or so years of my life will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My planning -- financial, social, and emotional -- is based on the idea that the current spouse is the last spouse I'll ever have.
This is all theoretical at the moment: Mocha's Dad has quite a bit of mileage left on him (knock wood). But I think the question is still a valid one: does planning for a realistic likely need to go solo actually block that 5% chance of finding someone?
In other words, while acting like you are on the hunt seems likely to benefit you if you remain single, does assuming that you are likely to remain single throw a spanner in the works?
Dear Mocha's Mom, Thank you for the cogent explanations and question: "...does planning for a realistic likely need to go solo actually block that 5% chance of finding someone? "
On the one hand, married women spend about 8 years as widows at the end of their lives, on average-- 2 years for the typical age gap, and 6 more years for the genetic and psychosocial advantages of being female. In your case, you and your husband have an age gap considerably greater than 2 years. Which means your 20-year widowhood guesstimate is probably accurate, and it would be foolhardy *not* to do the financial, social and emotional planning you've engaged in so assiduously. You've done the smart thing.
Whether that very planning will keep you alone is less clear. Attitudes do predict behaviors--meaning that if your attitude is that you will necessarily remain single, then you're likely to behave in line with that belief. And remain single.
But abundant evidence shows that behaviors also predict and change our attitudes. To wit, most Americans didn't believe seatbelt use was necessary or desirable...until *after* seatbelt laws were passed. Once they started wearing seatbelts in accordance with the law, their beliefs fell in line that seatbelt wearing is a Good & Moral Thing. Same with laws on desegregation and divorce. Once people were forced to desegregate in the South of the USA, most came to believe integration was desirable, and to be friendlier to members of other races. And as no-fault divorce laws spread across the United States, many more people came to see divorce as an acceptable and even a Moral thing (such as divorce for the sake of the kids).
So here's my best guess: If, once you are single again, you begin to behave as if you want a man in your life, then your attitude will follow. Preparing now need not prevent an attitude shift later. Just Act As If, and your heart will follow. And then you, too, will be in the best position to beat the odds.
PS: Tom--from now on, if you sign off as "Scent-sational Tom", I'll know who you are!