William was astounded. “Why,” he began, “would she leave me? I built her a $3,000 computer for Christmas, and she moved out two weeks later.”
Unfortunately, discussion revealed that William gave his girlfriend a Bad Gift, here defined as “any gift that signals a lack of Commitment & Love.”
And so it’s in the hopes of keeping well-meaning guys out of the Doghouse that I offer the following Four Steps To Giving Great Gifts:
1. Understand Women’s Gift Psychology
As evolutionary psychology confirms, men and women are gamblers: There’s no guarantee about the future, so we hedge our bets by reading Signs relevant to our adaptive problems.
But in mating, the adaptive problems men and women face aren’t the same—so the Signs are different, too.
Men’s need to ensure and protect their paternity has meant male vigilance for a partner’s youth, beauty and future fidelity. Gifts from women don’t tell a guy much about any of that—so men should be pretty easy to please, gifts-wise.
And they are.
But women sense *symbolism* behind gift-giving.
And we should.
Because we’re gambling on the man’s Commitment. Betting badly can literally be a life-death, success-failure distinction for us and our kids, even now.
Problem? Whereas male *ability* to provide can be viewed on a balance sheet, men’s all-crucial *willingness*—their Love & Commitment—is invisible to the naked eye . Meaning we’ve gotta look for indirect Signs of that willingness everywhere.
And one of those Signs, whether it’s the 12th day of Christmas or our 20thanniversary, is what our true love gives to us.
Or, as my sage (and happily-wed) social psychologist friend Scott Hanson penned, “A female sees the gift as a gauge of the relationship itself…if it’s thoughtful and appropriate, he’s sensitive and intelligent and we’re made for each other. If it’s completely wrong, he doesn’t think, doesn’t care, doesn’t know me, all of which are genuinely troubling.”
Indeed.
2. Give Something Expensive?
Stinginess conveys an unwillingness universally despised by women. Great gifts are, therefore, never stingy.
But expensive? That depends on the individual woman’s preferences, the length of the relationship, and the man’s ability to buy something costly.
Some women desire expensive gifts no matter how long they’ve been with you. Others, long-assured of their husband’s utter devotion, happily accept a membership to the botanical gardens while they jointly save for retirement.
Upshot? Expense is a by/buy-word for what women really want: Commitment. So as long as you show Commitment, you can ratchet the expense to your sweetie’s tastes and your wallet’s capacity.
Give a gift that shows Cost without Commitment, though, and you could actually spend a small fortune on something that dooms the relationship.
To wit, let’s revisit William, whom I asked, “How long had you and your girlfriend been living together, pre-Computer Incident?”
W: “Three years”.
DW: “Were you engaged?”
W: “No. She wanted to get married, but I didn’t.”
DW: “Had you told her you weren’t going to propose?”
W: “No.”
DW: “Do you want to win her back?”
W: “No. I just want to know why she left.”
DW: “Well, here’s my guess. At a point where your girlfriend wanted commitment, and the relationship was beyond long enough to justify it, you gave her something that cost as much as an engagement ring. Your gift said, ‘I could buy you a diamond. I just won’t. Ever.’”
W: “Oh.”
3. Give What She Wants—Not What You Think She Needs
Unless your darling point-blank asks you to buy her a food processor, major appliance, automotive part, or (worst) gym membership—DON’T. Even if she makes such an unorthodox request, comply while giving something that’s pure luxury, too. The union you save could be your own.
A lot of men love receiving practical gifts. If a guy needs a briefcase or computer or wrench set, he’s pleased to receive it. The end. No wonder poor “Dual Bag” in the J.C. Penny Doghouse commercial is so confused; his wife needed a vacuum cleaner and he got her “the best one you’ll ever own.” That gift totally would have worked for him!
Thing is, a lot of men who give dud gifts believe they’re giving great gifts; the women simply don’t see Love in the practical gifts a man might appreciate and therefore give. Now is not the time to follow The Golden Rule. Don’t give her what you’d need—give her what *she* *wants*.
Here’s how to find out: Ask her.
Asking indirectly: Some women think it’s unromantic to provide a list of what they want, in which case you can ask her for a list of the best gifts you’ve ever given her, why they were best, and what they meant to her***—so you at least have some direction.
Asking directly: With a more practical woman post-courtship, you can ask outright: “I want to give you something to show you how much I love you, but I don’t know exactly what you want. I can surprise you, if you’d like, but if there’s something you really want, can you let me know?”
4. Give Something That Shows You Know Her
If your sweetheart insists on being surprised, she’s asking you to show her that you pay attention to who she is. Select a gift that displays your intimate knowledge of what pleases her as a special and unique individual.
Nothing says “I love you” like “I know you.”
One man knew his wife enjoyed being pampered, spending time with her friends, and not having to worry about the house and kids. So he bought a weekend spa package for her and her three best friends. He undertook all child care during her absence, and made sure she came back to a clean home and well-attended progeny.
I understand this worked out well for him on many levels—several of them sexual.
Upshot? Great Gifts may or may not be expensive, but universally, they speak to women. And what they say is: “I want you, I love you, I notice you, and I know you. I want you to have all of me, as I adore all of you. Thank you for being in my life.”
And if you convey all that and mean it—you’re pretty Great, yourself. Happy holidays!
Cheers,
Duana
***Many thanks to Scott Hanson, Ph.D., for this specific suggestion, as well as suggesting the topic and providing his quotations for this article.
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/women-as-sex-objects-youth-beauty-and-beating-the-odds.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/hard-to-get-mating-centrism-and-other-pitfalls-of-early-dati.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/guess-whos-paying-for-dinner.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientist and sources:
David M. Buss, for his riveting presentation of what men want, what women want, and global research regarding what gifts signify to women—and why, in The Evolution Of Desire - Revised Edition 4 and in his masterwork textbook, Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind.
If this article intrigued, surprised, affirmed or enlightened you, please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010, 2011
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (4)
Being raised by my Mother and having only females for siblings and cousins it was embedded in me early, "Give them something they want and not need." That includes Birthdays, Holidays and even Mother's Day. lol Men on the other hand, in my opinion are the opposite. We would rather have need. As in the new computer bag, dress shoes or leaf blower. It would be valued as it would impact our everyday needs. Something that would be equally cherished.
But in regards to this topic I think #4 is key. Giving something that shows you have been paying attention and have given thought to what you chose. There's something to the notion that you went seeking that gift your heart told you she would appreciate most.
Lastly, it also comes down to the person. I once dated a woman who was a VIce President for a successful company. Like myself, she traveled a great deal and was not at a loss of material things. I wondered what I could get her that would "Wow" her. She stunned me when she told me what she wanted for Christmas. She said something I rarely get and it can't be bought...quality time with you. Our gifts to each other were 2 days without our blackberrys. 2 days of bliss and a gift that kept on giving.
Great article/discussion as always!
Quinn, thank you so much for those insights. I love the gift your sweetheart wanted--time alone, undistracted, with you.
And I really appreciate the gift of your saying what it is *men* want. In my experience, you're right; men cherish practical gifts that fill a pragmatic, utilitarian or daily need. I think that's at the root of why many men select practical gifts for women--it would work for the guy! I wish there were more research to confirm or deny whether our experiences are on-target for most guys, though.
Maybe I shouldn't reveal this "cheat code" for gift giving, but it's the season to be generous:
When I really don't know what to get someone for Christmas, I clear out all my history and cookies and then surf on over to Amazon. I then load up my shopping cart with things that the person already has and loves -- movies, books, whatever.
Pretty darn soon, you get helpful prompts from Amazon saying "People who bought items in your cart also bought . . . ."
Then just pick from the handy list Amazon has handed you. They've worked hard to develop a sophisticated database and algorithms to figure out what people who like x, y, and z will want most -- we might as well put those thousands of hours of research to work for us!
Mocha's Mom, that is the most fabulous gift list suggestion I've ever encountered. Thanks for sharing. You WIN!