Housework: The ultimate aphrodisiac
Dear Duana,
My wife is more in the mood after I vacuum, wash dishes, etc. Is that the typical reaction, or am I just lucky? How much housework do you think a guy has to do? (Just wondering. I think I figured it out, lol.)
Andy
Dear Duana,
I hope your upcoming article will say my husband should do more housework. ? I do nearly all of it, even though my paid job is just as consuming as his. And now, I’m too tired and resentful to feel like putting out much.
Elana
Dear Andy and Elana,
Although science has debunked most aphrodisiacs, there’s nothing like a man with a vacuum in his hand to enhance the female libido. Indeed, the most reliable, least invasive and least costly In-The-Mood booster for women is Housework—done Fairly, willingly, and unasked by their mate.
And although men usually say they value sexual quantity above quality, Fair Share guys don’t have to choose: Women with a Fair Share man not only want more sex—they give better sex.
So Andy, you’re not the only one getting lucky; and Elana, you would indeed feel more like putting out if your man put stuff away.
Perhaps people aren’t connecting the dots, though, because a raft of research shows that even well-educated, fully-employed women continue doing the lioness’ share of domestic drudgery. To wit, in a recent study where spouses wrote down their activities when randomly paged, women were doing 61% of the housework.
What’s the big deal, anyway? (Are men really pigs—women, nags?)
Housework is one of the six most common issues found in both happy and unhappy marriages, for two reasons.
In Exhibit A, we see that more women than men Really, Really Care about the cleanliness of their cave—to the point that they cannot be at peace in a dirty dwelling. Also, science shows that men relax *after* sex, but women need to be relaxed to want to *have* sex. Dirty house = no relaxation = Honey, I’ve Got A Headache.
Yet research shows most men don’t Get that. If the dirt and/or disorder don’t bother them, men reason, why should it bother anyone? And shouldn’t the bothered party clean up? (O, these are the questions that launched a thousand nights on the couch.)
And in Exhibit B, we observe that women commonly assume their spouse’s participation, or lack thereof, is a huge indicator of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, or lack thereof. But is it? That depends.
On the Yes, It’s Disrespectful side stand the men who still consider housework to be women’s work, and/or flat-out refuse to pitch in. Others participate grudgingly, after much encouragement (aka nagging)—creating far more relationship work than they avoid in physical chores. (That’s why *unasked, willing* contribution is the kind that Scores—it’s viewed as much more respectful, and lessens opportunities for, um, encouragement.)
On the No, It’s Not Disrespectful side, men are doing more housework than any prior generation researchers know of, and more than women think they are, albeit less than men believe they’re doing. When asked to estimate their mate’s input in recent research, women guessed men were shirking at 33%, and men gave themselves bonus points at 42% (men’s real contribution was 39%). This shows a basic of human cognition—not male chauvinism: Most of us, most of the time, in most of the world, think we are better than most other people about ‘most everything. Research is rife with examples of this self-serving bias: Adult children typically believe they’re giving Mom and Dad the greatest attention, hospitalized drivers usually think themselves outstanding motorists nonetheless, and most people say they’re less bigoted than most people… But my favorite hails from an informal survey where 87% of respondents believed they would go to heaven—yet only 79% thought Mother Teresa would be there, too.
Ultimately, though, the underlying reason Fair Share housework is a Big Deal is that its absence makes women unhappy. Because when Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy—sexually or otherwise. And that’s a bona fide, research-corroborated fact.
What is Fair Share housework?
So yes, Elana, your husband needs to do more housework, and here is how scientists can tell: Because you think so. Women who feel that their mates are doing a Fair Share are happy. And these happy women are not only more sexually forthcoming, they’re far pleasanter to live with. They pick fewer fights, they are less resentful, and when they do need to bring up an issue, they do it in the gentle manner that is a Win for the marriage rather than just for themselves.
Perhaps, though, sweet women create helpful husbands—right? Although that is doubtless true sometimes, when a man in an unhappy marriage picks up the broom and shows he’s on the same Team with his wife, he sweeps more than cobwebs away. Conversely, simply advising women to let go of their anxiety, hurt feelings and need for cleanliness does *not* work, unless the couple is aiming for celibacy.
But that still leaves us with your question, Andy, about how much is Fair. Must the work be split evenly? Do charts, pie graphs, and perhaps Excel spreadsheets need to be used?
Probably not. Turns out, most women are satisfied with a mate who does less than half the housework, although specifics vary from one couple to the next. For instance, many women think it’s Fair if their mate spontaneously does the chores she hates, unasked, even if those chores are relatively few or light. Scrubbing the toilets and sinks just might be worth half the household effort.
The key to determining Fairness, then, is not a 50-50 split, but simply discussing what the wife considers a fair distribution, and starting there.
Which as you know, Andy, will get you everywhere.
Cheers,
Duana
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
Yun-Suk Lee & Linda Waite, for research showing men’s and women’s real and stated contributions to housework/household labor, and for researching what helps women feel appreciated for the housework they do
Ann Oakley, for writing The Sociology Of Housework
David G. Myers, for summarizing research on the self-serving bias
March 31, 1997 U.S. News & World Report survey on Who’s Going To Heaven? For the funniest-ever example of the self-serving bias
John Gottman’s The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, for summarizing research on men’s and women’s feelings about housework; the workable solution to the housework problem; and clarifying the housework-sex connection
Shirley Glass’ research on the housework-relaxation-sex connection for women in troubled marriages
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Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2010
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Reader Comments (31)
Awesome article!
Thank you for the wonderful analysis. Men are (generally) simpler creatures than women; women are more like complex math equations.
Your example:
"Also, science shows that men relax *after* sex, but women need to be relaxed to want to *have* sex. Dirty house = no relaxation = Honey, I’ve Got A Headache."
This cracked me up, because it is so true. Classic example of the fact that correlation does NOT imply causation.
Men doing housework does not (directly) increase the woman's sexual appetite. As your article states, it is a sign of respect--which makes the woman more relaxed and happy in life--which makes her more relaxed and happy in bed--which, therefore, makes her MAN relaxed and happy :)
Agree!
Love the article!
Nothing finer than a fresh, clean, tidy house. In such a case, my ENTIRE WORLD is right.
And while I appreciate my husband's lawn mowing, car fixing, and oil changing, that doesn't count. Sorry, honey. It's unloading the dishwasher that really blows my skirt up, so to speak.
And ... at the risk or disclosing TMI, here's another one: When my husband dresses (and acts) like a big, powerful professional in his white dress shirt and charcoal-grey dress slacks, Katie bar the door! I might even overlook a messy house for that one.
I thought men were the visual ones, but Duana, what do you think of the impact of a husband in his power-man suit? Is that a personal preference to me, or is it a more universal turn-on? (Please say I am normal, pretty please.)
Wow - so many great things about this article, but the basic human cognition (--i.e., we think we're better at most stuff than most other people, most of the time--) struck me like a ton of bricks. If we have such high opinions of ourselves and our abilities, then why do so many of us suffer from low self-esteem and depression?
Gillian mentioned the powerful allure of a guy in a business suit, which (in my opinion) is another oh-so-sexy version of the "man in uniform". A modern-day provider and protector. But that made me think about the potential attractiveness of the woman who does the housework herself. Is this ever perceived as sexy instead of submissive? A woman fulfilling her role as the nurturer?
I'm scared to hear the answer!
PS: I'm wondering what actually constitutes "housework." Gillian alluded that home maintenance (yards and cars --all the outside stuff) doesn't count, and I agree. If we're talking only about the work inside the home, it's much more than washing clothes and cleaning bathrooms. You can hire Molly Maid to do that. Correction: Only the cleaning bathrooms part.
It's the home planning and family organizing that's so mentally exhausting. What about ... Birthday parties, buying gifts, doctor appointments, dance costumes, teacher conferences, family reunions, sports teams, social engagements, essential clothes shopping, bring a flower for teacher appreciation week, home organizing (defragging the kid's bedroom), meal planning, finding child care/summer camps, remembering parent's anniversaries ... I'm getting exhausted just trying to think of it all.
Plus, in my house, I wear the CFO hat, i.e., I pay all the bills, maintain all the accounts, set up the education funds, monitor the retirement, approve large purchases, worry over the balances, etc.
Geez, even before I get out of bed, I need a nap.
I just read the posts above; Joan's list made me tired too, but for different reasons.
Sex is, in my opinion, not a very high priority among paired women. All of the wonderful prestige-supporting tasks receive a higher priority. Sex is, however, a means to various ends. Receiving attention and affection and protection . . . having children . . . having leverage when needed.
For men, sex *is* the priority. And this, from a man who knows his way around all the household chores -- when I am good and ready ;-) Believe me, I have learned the lessons of what a woman finds breathtaking. My best trick includes waffles in the morning.
Wise Readers, whilst I ponder your many queries, know this: a) You people make my day with your insights, wit and intriguing ideas; and b) I will get back with you asap. Now, this Mama needs a nap ;).
Duana: what do you think of the book _The Five Love Languages_? Joe and I read that book, and our take-away is that we're compatible because we share the love language of chores, or doing something nice for the other person.
p.s. I LOVE to see my guy in a white t-shirt, cooking or washing the dishes. Hot!
Tigerlily7--What's up? (Sorry--couldn't resist. Or didn't, anyway.)
T-- Thank you for a perfect summarization. Housework science is surprisingly abundant. Apparently, it's a topic that has long struck a nerve; there is even a textbook about it, published by Ann Oakley in 1974.
Yet, to my knowledge, *all* the data are correlational. If scientists have ever randomly assigned partners to do differing amounts of tasks, and seen the impact on the relationship, I'm unaware of it. John Gottman has advised men to do the amount of housework their wife defined as fair, though, and has seen marked improvements in the marriage in all the ways the article describes.
Which means you're spot-on. The relationship between housework and sex is real, but typically indirect. When men pitch in, women feel honored and --vitally-- On The Same Team with their mate. Happy women are horny women :).
Hi, Gillian,
Funny you should bring this up: "And while I appreciate my husband's lawn mowing, car fixing, and oil changing, that doesn't count. Sorry, honey. It's unloading the dishwasher that really blows my skirt up, so to speak. "
My own beloved and I were discussing this in preparation for this article. While women should and often do appreciate men's contribution to various household and auto maintenance tasks, what women *really* value is help with the drudge tasks that are Omnipresent and Never-Ending--the ones that wear us down to a nub on a near-daily basis:
--Folding laundry
--Vacuuming and sweeping
--Meal planning, preparing, and cleaning-up-after
--Table setting
--Bed-making
--Making school lunches
etc., etc., etc.
Indeed, there are so many of these Daily Drudge sorts of tasks that the list takes up *four entire pages* in one science-based book on the topic. (The Gottmans no longer publish The List in their books--they say it overwhelmed men and women just to look at it.)
So, when men voluntarily participate, it "conveys that all-important honor and respect", as John Gottman puts it. Men's participation in the work that typically falls to women not only lessens a bit of the load--it lightens the psychological burden hugely.
And a relaxed woman's mind is a mind prepared to think about wanting and having sex. A mind that is not, for instance, totting up the shopping list whilst in The Act.
And, Gillian and Monica, to answer your excellent query about your fascination with your man in a power-suit, please allow me to allay your anxiety at once. You are Normal. Women aren't as visual as men, but we do still use our eyes--especially as tools that help us scan for (what else?!) the ability to Provide & Protect.
(You pegged it, Monica!)
So, one study I've written about formerly compared women's responses to one of two photos. In one picture, a man wore a fast-food uniform; in the other, the *same man* wore a suit. Women who saw the Want-Fries-With-That shot expressed disinterest in possibly meeting the man; on the other hand, when Mr. Suit was presented, women found themselves intrigued. How startling. ;)
Upshot? Women love a man in uniform...but only if the uniform confers signs that he wields Resources.
(continued)
But wait, Monica, there's more. You asked whether men find their woman doing housework to be a turn-on. The short answer? Only if she's in a French maid uniform!
Seriously, my guess is that most men, most of the time, are not turned on by women doing housework; it's visually uninteresting, and housework is what's expected of women. Just as science shows women don't count men doing the BBQ, fixing the car, or re-attaching a rain-gutter to be doing anything out of the ordinary (or anything that necessarily conveys honor and respect for the wife), it's unlikely men think that women doing Women's Work is anything too special.
It's *atypical* work that scores the brownie points.
Even then, though, there are zero signs in research that men really want women's help with traditional masculine tasks. Women are the ones taking issue with men's lack of participation--the reverse doesn't emerge as a Big Deal. (As T pointed out, in some ways, women are indeed more complex and--okay, I admit it--Difficult.)
Joan, I love your question about why there's so much depression in the world if the self-serving bias is so prevalent. It's a great question, and one social psychologists and others have addressed.
Basically, the tendency to perceive ourselves favorably (which defines the self-serving bias) is nearly universal. True, people in individualist cultures like the USA are more prone to this bias than folks in collectivist societies such as China. But in general, the point stands: If something is desirable, most of us, most of the time, think we are better at/about that thing than most others. It's as if the whole world is Lake Woebegone, where all the children are above average.
But. It turns out that depressed people have much less of the self-serving bias than others do. In a now-famous study, Alloy & Abramson found the sadder but wiser effect. Depressed people view themselves more realistically than the rest of us do; their perceptions of what others think of them are more accurate than those of us with a healthy self-serving bias.
So, the relationship you've asked about appears to be this: The self-serving bias is protective. It helps us to live comfortably in our own skins and psyches. And when it is low, depression is often high.
Dear Joan, your words bear repeating: "It's the home planning and family organizing that's so mentally exhausting. What about ... Birthday parties, buying gifts, doctor appointments, dance costumes, teacher conferences, family reunions, sports teams, social engagements, essential clothes shopping, bring a flower for teacher appreciation week, home organizing (defragging the kid's bedroom), meal planning, finding child care/summer camps, remembering parent's anniversaries ... I'm getting exhausted just trying to think of it all."
You've just described a very important, but often-overlooked, distinction between what sociologists call housework--bill-paying, dish-drying, meal-cooking-- and *household labor*--all the mental tasks and planning without which family life would grind to a halt.
When scientists examine the gender gap in household labor, it's much wider than the housework gap. I suspect one reason why so many women are so exhausted and feel disrespected by their mate's unwilling participation in housework is this: The household labor is unacknowledged, yet hugely time-and-energy-consuming. Most people don't even consider it a job, at least not consciously. But it's the stuff of life, and the people doing it are mostly female.
Tom,
Waffles are good. My mate's make-the-kids'-lunches trick is my fave.
And, well-said. Women are indeed mentally exhausted by their to-do lists, with many, many things standing in the way of them and their Libido. Whereas for men, sex is in and of itself the priority.
Shirley Glass, now deceased, became famous for her research on (and therapy with) couples struggling with infidelity. Some of what she found, though, cut across couples of every description--and here are three things relevant to your points:
1. In therapy, men express a desire for greater sexual quantity. Women want the emotional stuff before, during and after that makes for greater sexual quality.
2. In therapy, women say that when their mate does housework, it makes it easier for them to relax and want to have sex more often.
3. In therapy, women typically arrive with a list of specifics they want fixed in the marriage; but men usually arrive with only one general desire: "I just want her to be happy."
Hopefully, between what everyone here and the scientists have written, men see that making their woman happy can be achieved rather easily with some willing, unasked household assistance...and that the guys will wind up getting more frequent sex in the bargain. It's a win-win.
Hi, Zoelovesmom,
Thank you for the reading recommendation; I've not yet scoured The Five Love Languages. I can tell you from research, though, that anything you and Joe share is likely to bring you closer together, and that sharing chores conveys the kindness, respect and teamwork that are present in all mutually happy unions.
In fact, a tremendous amount of relationship science simply boils down to this:
If you and your mate are respectful and kind towards one another, behaving as if you're a Team of friends rather than adversaries, you're very likely to find happiness unavoidable. Most of us find an onslaught of such devotion hard to resist. Good for you!
Hey Tom, If you could fold a couple loads of laundry along with the breathtaking sex and waffle, that would be great.
Duana -
May you and everyone you love be eternally showered with Blessings unending!
What a relief!
Finally someone has explained the distinction between "housework" and "household labor." I always felt that women were gluing the whole show together, but didn't have a term for it, or a study to validate it. I just knew I was exhausted.
In many homes, I think the women mastermind the chore schedule, and then the men execute some portions of it. But the woman always has a running list in her head, from which the husband is mentally free!
How liberating that must be!
On Saturdays, my husband will ask, "What are we doing today?" And so I rattle off my mental list ... "Let's get these packages to UPS before noon, little daughter's prescription is ready, Poochy sees the vet at 1:00, birthday party at 2:00, mail this card to your sister ... during the party, can you grab the dry cleaning, get a haircut, return these shoes, and then pick up the kid at 5? I'll catch all the bathrooms and start food prep for hosting dinner tonight for your parents ... please remember the charcoal. Here, let me write all that down...."
My darling husband is an excellent helper, but you see who made the list.
How liberating to have our "invisible" contributions properly acknowledged!
I have to admit, I wondered why house chores like mowing, fixing things, etc were not equally appreciated. I now realize that this has more to do about continuing to court the woman you fell in love with before marriage, rather than the task list itself. Helping with the "household chores" is like buying the flowers and chocolate. It is a continued acknowledgement that you are pursuing that someone special.
Duana, love this article, love this blog, but I gotta know: where can we find these epic lists of housework chores and household labor? I'd love to see a formal enumeration of these vital items.
Joan and Vincent and Mocha's Mom,
Perfectly said. (And thank you for the kudos, Joan and MM.)
Vincent, I prefer your interpretation to mine, and think it's more accurate. Doing the housework not only shows Teamwork and Respect--it does indeed continue the courtship in a manner that women can really connect with. Hard not to want to put out for the guy who is still courting one even after the wedding is over.
MM, the social scientists who do this research maintain lists (see Lee & Waite's article)--usually, if you write to them, they'll provide a copy of the research tool, including lists such as this one.
For one that's readily available without a request, go to the Gottman book I'm always going on about--the only relationship book continually on mine own nightstand--the only one I *insist* all my students buy: "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work". The Gottmans have left it out of later books...apparently, seeing all those tasks in print creates more frustration than problem-solving and relief...
I definitely feel not-heard today by Dr. D and by Gillian.
What I said, and what my intended message was, indicated that women have *other priorities* that absolutely trump sex and even love of a partner. Saying "My mind is more receptive to sex when all my other priorities are taken care of by another person" is just another way of saying, "I can take it or leave it, but I really really want the prestige of exhibiting a rocking lifestyle and being the center of the family vortex. So if sex is what it takes to get me that, bring on the sex!"
And, Gill, I have already done all the laundry and folded and stowed it. Whatever the woman threw off, got taken care of. I'm a single man with four sons. I did chores inside and outside for the entire marriage and it guaranteed precisely nothing, but it did prepare me to live happily single again. Peace ;-)
Sorry to have given offense, Tom. Marriage is definitely a complex relationship with much more going on than housework. As for sex--I am sorry your experience was that your ex used it as a power-play. Most women enjoy sex for its own sake, not as a Power Tool per se; all research evidence is that we enjoy it as much as men do, although not in as many contexts. I hope such a woman is either in your present or your future.
Peace to you (and Gillian, too. Truce, already!)