Pick Your Commitment Level In Three Questions
If you knew you could have any kind of loving relationship you wanted, and it would work out beautifully, what would you choose?
Marriage? Living together without marrying? Keeping separate homes but spending most nights together? Perhaps a duplex, with each of you on one side and a connecting door you can open when you’re feeling romantic and close when somebody’s snoring?
Or maybe you’d prefer a committed relationship without sharing an address, a bathroom, or custody of the remote.
The possibilities are especially interesting after 50, when you’ve probably built a life you’re rather fond of.
Yet many singles at midlife and beyond haven’t decided what kind of relationship they ultimately want. They know they want love. They know they want someone wonderful. But ask what their shared life should look like, and things get fuzzy.
Imagine getting into your car for a vacation without deciding where you’re going. You might enjoy the scenery, but you probably shouldn’t be surprised if you never reach the beach.
The British have a saying: Begin as you mean to continue.
And when it comes to choosing a partner, that’s excellent advice. Knowing where you’re headed changes who you choose.
So here are three questions I use with my clients to help them figure out their destination.
1. If you found your perfect partner, would you marry them?
I’m not talking about someone who’s almost right except for a few troubling habits. Imagine someone who meets your standards, shares your values, treats you beautifully, and makes you gloriously happy.
Would you marry this person?
If yes, why? If no, why not?
Maybe you want marriage because you value a lifelong promise and the security of a shared future. Or you loved being married before. Or you’ve never been wed and want to.
Maybe you don’t want marriage because you genuinely prefer greater independence. Or you want for-now, not forever. Or maybe you’ve been hurt before and are determined never again to risk your freedom, finances, or favorite armchair.
Those aren’t necessarily the same reasons. It’s worth knowing whether you’re choosing based on what you value—or what you fear.
2. What does an ordinary Wednesday with your ideal partner look like?
Close your eyes and picture it.
Where do you wake up? Your house? Their house? Our house?
Do you eat breakfast together? Spend the day doing your own things? Reunite for dinner? Go to sleep beside each other—or kiss goodnight and head to separate homes?
Maybe you’re picturing a traditional shared household. Maybe you’re picturing two houses with a connecting door and a very clear policy about when it’s open.
Neither vision is wrong. But they’re different lives.
And someone who wants to combine households, finances, and futures may not be a good match for someone who wants companionship while keeping nearly everything separate.
Love is wonderful. But it doesn’t magically settle disagreements about where to put the furniture—or whether there should be shared furniture at all.
3. How much interdependence do you really want?
This is where marriage and cohabitation deserve a closer look.
People sometimes think living together is marriage without the paperwork. But research could not be more clear: marriage and cohabitation are separate institutions with separate benefits. And these arrangements can involve very different expectations.
Marriage generally means a promise of permanence, along with legal protections and obligations. Cohabitation can offer companionship, shared expenses, and flexibility without that legal commitment.
But living together isn’t necessarily marriage-lite, or even low-risk. Combining households without marriage can intertwine finances and daily lives in ways that make separating difficult and riskier, sometimes.
And moving in together to find out whether you’re right for each other can backfire. And research shows that sometimes people marry because they’ve already combined their lives and getting out seems harder than staying in. “I chose you because inertia” is not the best reason for saying I Do.
That’s why I recommend screening for compatibility before sharing a home, not relying on shared living to reveal it.
Of course, you may want neither marriage nor cohabitation. You may prefer separate homes. The important thing is to understand what each arrangement offers—and what it doesn’t.
And then comes the question that can save you an astonishing amount of time and heartache:
Does this prospective partner want the same destination?
You can have wonderful chemistry, shared interests, terrific conversations, and sex that makes you forget where you left your reading glasses—and still be incompatible about commitment.
If you want marriage and they never intend to marry, that’s not a little detail to work out later. If you want separate homes and they dream of waking up beside you every morning, neither of you is necessarily wrong. But this is not a small matter, and it can be a giant incompatibility.
Now, I’m not suggesting that on your first date you whip out a floor plan for the duplex you’ve selected.
But it does mean asking, “If you could have any kind of relationship you wanted, what would that look like?” And asking it from the very start. The first call, or even before that. It means knowing what you’re screening for, so you don’t spend months—or years—falling in love with someone whose vision for the future is going someplace you aren’t.
And if you’re worried that commitment means risking the life you’ve worked so hard to build, remember: You can screen carefully, protect your finances, maintain boundaries, and make thoughtful choices before intertwining your lives.
You don’t have to choose between love and alignment.
You can choose the kind of relationship you want, understand what it requires, and find someone who wants to build it with you.
Because when you know where you’re headed, you’re far more likely to get there.
Want to find your person without settling or repeating old patterns? Watch my free 10-minute training: https://LoveScienceMedia.com/consult
Image by Unsplash+
Post a Comment
