Why Did Her Intuition Have To Yell?

When Intuition Speaks

A client texted me something fascinating today. A second friend of hers had just called off her wedding.

Both women had previously been divorced after discovering that their husbands had cheated on them. Later, both fell in love again and got engaged. And in both cases, after saying Yes to the dress, something happened:

Their bodies screamed, “HELL NO.”

My client asked me: Are you seeing this too? Or is it just a coincidence that two of my girlfriends have done this?

My answer? Yes. I’m seeing it.

I’ve worked with women who seemed able to keep moving forward in a relationship—right up until the moment they agreed to marry the person. Then suddenly there was anxiety. Sleeplessness. Dread. Sometimes physical symptoms. A powerful feeling of I cannot do this.

First, I want to say something important about people who call off engagements: That takes guts—in more ways than one. It is hard enough to leave a relationship you’re unsure about. It’s much harder when you’ve announced your intention to marry, your families know, people are celebrating you, and maybe there’s a ring on your finger, a venue booked, money spent, and a date on the calendar.

At that point, staying can feel easier than admitting: I made a mistake. So I have tremendous respect for people who stop instead of staying and wasting more time on a relationship that will not work out.

Because here’s a science-backed truth: Intuition is real, and it can contain information worth listening to. What we call a “gut feeling” can arise before our conscious mind has put into words all the cues and patterns we’ve noticed.

And when I’ve asked clients, Has your intuition ever told you to leave, and you stayed, and your intuition turned out to be wrong? the answer has always been No.

But only 100% of the time. :)

But there’s another part of this that fascinates me: Why did the No become unmistakable only after their intuition screamed at them—not before?

Intuition is evolutionary, my dear Watson. It can help us make rapid judgments when something feels threatening, sometimes before we can consciously explain what we’re noticing. So if you’ve ever had that feeling that you were near a stranger who would hurt you if they could, your intuition may have been picking up information before your conscious mind could explain what was setting off the alarm.

Another place intuition can become particularly useful is where we have deep experience. We recognize patterns—sometimes before we can articulate exactly what we’ve recognized. And these two women had experience: They hadn’t just been divorced. They’d been divorced from men who had lied to them for years and years about the affairs they were having.

Here’s the thing: It’s only human to want a love relationship to work. It’s only human to turn a deaf ear when intuition whispers and love is jumping up and down, especially after being so hurt before.

When it’s not about an immediate threat, intuition usually whispers before it speaks, and speaks before it yells.

So when it comes to dating—an area where many of us at 50+ have some experience—we probably have noticed things. Maybe we haven’t consciously assembled them yet: an inconsistency here, a value conflict there, something about the way conflict gets handled, a need we keep minimizing, a future we don’t really want, or a part of ourselves we’ve had to make smaller to keep the relationship working.

Individually, we may explain each thing away. But the closer we get to Forever, the more insistent our intuition can become.

For some, an engagement changes the question. Before, the question was: Do I want to keep dating this person? Now it’s: Do I want this to be my life?

And suddenly all those little pieces of information, all those small whispers that were easier to dismiss, have somewhere to land.

The whisper becomes a shout: HELL NO.

If that happens to you, please don’t ignore it. But I want something even better for you: I want you to become skilled enough at choosing that you can hear and confidently heed your intuition when it’s at whisper-level.

Because very often, it is possible to discern a serious mismatch much earlier—before the engagement, before years of investment. In my experience, many serious mismatches can be identified before the third date, or even sooner—if you know what you’re looking for.

That doesn’t mean dating without emotion. It means learning to combine emotion with information, attraction with alignment, intuition with observation, and hope with the willingness to see what’s actually in front of you.

The goal isn’t to become so analytical that you never make a mistake in love. Nobody can promise you that. The goal is to become better at noticing the whispers—so you don’t have to wait for the scream.

If you want to get better at knowing who’s right for you—and recognizing important mismatches before you’ve invested years in the wrong relationship—I created a free 10-minute training for successful singles over 50.

You can watch it here:

LoveScienceMedia.com/consult

Photo by Eric Soubeyrand de Saint Prix on Unsplash

You Need a Good Listening To

Men, I’m going to tell you something that could upgrade your dating life, and possibly your entire life.

Ask more questions. Then really listen to the answers.

In more than 30 years as a dating coach, I cannot remember even one straight man complaining to me that women don’t ask him questions or listen to what he has to say.

Not one.

Women? Nearly every straight woman I’ve coached has made some version of that complaint about men. In fact, it may be the single most common reason women in my practice give for deciding not to put any more energy into a new connection:

“He didn’t ask me any questions. He just talked about himself.”

Sometimes that means no second date, or no second call, or even no call at all, as in: he didn’t ask questions online.

But before anyone concludes that men are inherently self-centered or simply don’t care what women have to say, I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

I think a lot of men are hungry for someone to listen to them.

Many straight men simply don’t have enough people in their lives with whom they regularly have meaningful, emotionally engaged conversations. For some, a romantic partner is the only person who has ever consistently filled that role. And now, these guys are single and starved for a good listening-to. 

Women tend to have more practice. They talk extensively with friends—often other women. From very early in life, girls are also given much more practice noticing other people’s feelings, asking questions, listening carefully, and responding in ways that show they’ve understood.

So put a man who’s been longing for somebody to really talk to across the table from an attractive woman who’s been practicing attentive conversation most of her life, and something understandable can happen.

He talks…and talks.

And she listens and asks questions.

He walks away thinking:

“Wow. What a fantastic conversation! We really connected.”

She walks away thinking:

“He doesn’t know one thing about me.”

And in a nutshell, there’s the issue. Because many women don’t experience good conversational skills as merely good conversational skills. They experience them as evidence of good relationship skills:

Does this person notice me?

Is he curious about me?

Can he make room for my thoughts and feelings as well as his own?

Does he remember what I said?

If I tell him something important, does he follow up?

Do I feel understood, cared about, and attended to when I’m with him?

Those are relationship questions.

They’re the listening version of holding the door open for her, and without it, the door to any further interaction swings shut. 

Which brings me to a former client I’ll call KC. At one point after we’d worked on this, he texted me:

“Duana, you have given me a superpower.”

His superpower?

It wasn’t a pickup line, or a clever way to impress women. It was learning to do three things well: 

*ask questions that showed genuine interest, 

*listen closely to the answers, and then 

*make comments or ask follow-up questions that kept the focus on the other person.

Simple? Yes.

Easy, if you’ve spent decades communicating differently? Not necessarily.

Powerful? KC certainly thought so.

And it didn’t just help him with women. He began noticing the difference it made with people throughout his life. Everything, from his work life to his life with friends to finding his life partner—all were majorly enhanced just by listening well instead of listening until he could get to telling his own story.

So, men, here’s an experiment I’d like you to try: 

On your next online exchange, or call, or date, don’t concentrate on being interesting.

Instead, get interested.

Ask her something you genuinely want to know. Listen to the answer without preparing the story you’re going to tell next. Notice something she says and follow it:

“What was that like for you?”

“How did you get interested in that?”

“You mentioned your daughter earlier—how is she doing now?”

The more you stop worrying about whether you’re interesting enough and start discovering what is interesting about her, the more interesting you’ll become. 

Because the people we remember aren’t always the people who impressed us most. They’re very often the people who made us feel:

You see me.
You hear me.
You want to know me.

And isn’t that what most of us are looking for in love?

If you’re over 50 and want to get better at recognizing—and becoming—the kind of partner who can create lasting love, I’ve created a free 10-minute training to help you think differently about finding and choosing the right person.

You can watch it here:

LoveScienceMedia.com/consult

Photo by Thomas Leblanc on Unsplash

Be Kind—Break the Date

You have a date tomorrow.

The other person seems perfectly nice.

But you already know you don’t want to go.

Maybe you’ve learned something that makes it clear they aren’t right for you. Maybe you’ve had another conversation and realized there’s simply no interest there. Maybe you agreed to the date before you had enough information, and now… you do.

But then you think:

I said I’d go.

Canceling now would be rude.

They might be disappointed.

I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

So you go.

And strangely enough, that may be the less kind choice.

You’ve maybe heard me say this eleventy-thousand times: if you can find and be someone kind and respectful, your love life will probably go well. And if you can’t—it won’t. 

If you already know the answer is No, keeping the date doesn’t protect the other person from rejection. It simply postpones it—while asking them to spend more of their time, energy, and perhaps money on something you already know isn’t going anywhere.

That isn’t kinder. 

Often, it’s not even more comfortable for you. Sitting through a doomed date is so un-fun!

But I understand the impulse. Most caring people don’t enjoy disappointing someone. We’d rather sit through an awkward dinner than send a text we know may hurt another person’s feelings.

But part of dating effectively is learning that kindness and avoidance are not the same thing.

You are allowed to change your mind when new information changes your decision.

You can do that respectfully:

“Hi there. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’ve realized I don’t see this developing into the relationship I’m looking for. Rather than take more of your time, I wanted to be honest. I wish you the very best.”

No ghosting.

No invented emergency.

No explanation of what they did wrong, why they’re not your person, etc.

And no keeping a date you already know you don’t want because you’re more focused on managing their reaction than honoring what you know.

There’s another reason this matters, especially after 50: time is the one resource we can never get back.

Your time matters. And so does theirs.

Dating successfully isn’t about giving every possibility endless chances. It’s about becoming increasingly good at recognizing whom to move toward and whom to move away from—kindly, clearly, and without unnecessary guilt.

Because every evening you spend with someone you already know is wrong for you is an evening neither of you is available for someone who might be right.

So if you already know it’s a No?

Be gracious.

Be honest.

And break the date.

It may be the kindest thing you can do for both of you.

If you want to get better at knowing who’s right for you—and who isn’t—I created a free 10-minute training for successful singles over 50 who want lasting love without settling or repeating old patterns.

You can watch it here:

LoveScienceMedia.com/consult

Photo by Timon Reinhard on Unsplash 

SUCCESSFUL SINGLES 50+: HOW TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT PARTNER—NOT JUST FIND ONE

The Confident Partner Choice Blueprint helps successful singles over 50 find a loving, committed partner they’re genuinely excited to be with—without settling, wasting years on the wrong person, repeating harmful patterns, or giving up the life they’ve worked so hard to create.

Simply put: With this Blueprint, you choose the right partner from the very start—not just find one. 

Ready to explore whether the Blueprint is right for you? 

Schedule a free introductory meeting with Dr. Welch:

LoveScienceMedia.com/consult

YES--*You* can find your true love story in 2026!

YES—*You* can find your true love story in 2026!

Today marks five years since Kerry and I met. We’ve been happily wed for over three of those, and happily everything for all of them. I cannot imagine a better partner for me.

When we met online, we were both in our 50s and divorced. We both had adult children. We both had challenges. We were both lonely even though we had good lives; we just missed having our person. And we both wanted the whole enchilada: neither of us was willing to compromise on having what we needed in a partner, and both of us knew what that was.

And we were in good company.

Did you know?

*The fastest-growing group of daters is over age 50.

[I’m writing a book for y’all right now! Keep an eye out for Love Factually at Midlife and Beyond: Your ultimate guide to finding love at 50-plus—coming in 2027!]

*The biggest online dating months every year are late December through March.

But:
*The biggest roadblock to your finding love is _______________.

I don’t know your answer to that last item.

But I can tell you what’s kept a lot of my midlife-and-beyond clients single before we started working together: plain old fear, whether we call it worry or something else.

*Fear of repeating a negative cycle/feeling stuck in a negative cycle of picking bad matches.

*Pessimism that either nobody good is out there—or if they are, they will choose someone else.

*Terror at showing their naked older body to someone new!

*Worry that they’re asking for too much, while knowing that in the past, they settled for too little.

*Fear of closeness, and/or fear of not finding someone who wants to be close enough.

*Concern about their grown kids’ reactions to a new partner.

*Worry about revealing difficulties—health and financial and other challenges—to someone new.

*Fear about taking on someone else’s difficulties—health and financial and other challenges.

*Anxiety about ruining their already-pretty-great life by choosing The Wrong Partner. People come to me with a lot going for them. They’re in the mid-to-late parts of a life they have carefully built—a life that may already have been torn apart by earlier relationships. They don’t want someone coming along who will screw it up!

*Feeling overwhelmed and stuck about not knowing the most effective way to go about finding someone.

*And more!

Yet I found my person in midlife; my clients—men and women, younger and older, gay and straight— have; and you can, too.

In fact, I *knew* I would.

In mid-December of 2020, I went on a podcast and predicted that I would soon meet my man. I said I knew there was someone out there right now, a great guy, searching for me and wondering where I was.

(Take a moment to picture your own great person who is out there looking for you. Because: they are! Doesn’t that feel good?)

Kerry reached out to me three weeks later—one week after I posted my (scientifically-crafted) ad.

He said he saw my profile when he was hiking. He turned on his heel and ran back to his computer: he didn’t want to answer from his phone. And although we could not know it for sure at that point, this was the real deal—for both of us. That night, we spoke for almost 3 hours. To this day, there has been just one 24-hour period where we did not talk (and that was because I was not available). We are crazy about each other!

So how did I know Kerry and I would meet? How do I know you can meet *your* person?

Because—and please read this twice—I. Had. Virtually. No. Competition.

None.

Hear me out.

*Most single mid-lifers aren’t actually online to find a partner.

Many think they are. But in reality, their fear is running the show and sabotaging their prospects. So they’re online to say they’ve tried everything, or to find a penpal, or to see who’s out there, or to kill time when they’re bored. They’re not competition.

*Of those who are trying to find a partner, the vast majority are following bad (and I mean scientifically-proven bad) advice that sounds right but just is not.

They don’t know how to present themselves, quickly (and I mean fast!) assess others’ profiles, ask the right questions, have appropriate standards and stick to them, pace the relationship for success, and more. They’re not competition.

*Of those who are sincerely trying and are following solid, science-based information, many are not emotionally fortified:

They are easily overwhelmed, and quickly give up or fall back into old patterns; they are derailed by fear and self-sabotage, even after they’ve started dating a one who could be The One. They’re not competition.

I had virtually no competition because I was totally committed to finding a terrific partner, I knew exactly what works—not my opinion, not my friends’ or TikTok’s opinion, but solid science for every aspect of dating, from before you meet until you decide to commit—to get a perfect-for-me mate, and I knew I would do everything it takes to emotionally stay the course until—well, years, if necessary. (But if you’re really doing The Thingstm, it does not take that long! http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/consult/ )

Where you and *your* future amazing partner (!) come in:
This.
Can.
Be.
You.
And.
The.
Best.
Time.
To.
Start.
Is.
Now.

I see you. You need support, hope, direction, control, confidence, clarity, and a plan that will work for you, specifically—based on fact, not strong but wrong opinions. I will make that plan for and with you, and hold your hand every step of the way: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/consult/

Book a free 15-minute mini-session with me and let’s see if working together is right for you. I am passionate about using best-practice science to help you find and keep the love of your life for the rest of your life. I’ve done it for myself. I’ve done it for my clients. I’ve done it for 30 years now.

Let’s do it for you: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/consult/

 

Want more love in your life? Whether you’re single, partnered, or questioning anything about relationships, get coaching with Dr. Duana Welch, the original Love Scientist and Love Factually author:

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/consult/

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Enclosure