It’s been said that when a baby is born, a bomb goes off; things aren’t necessarily better. They’re not necessarily worse. But they are necessarily different. How different, though? And how can you land on the for-better side? Here—your questions, answered.
From Kelly: Let’s hear it for the boy! Unless he might be a threat…
This article [last week’s, about How Not To Let The Baby Ruin Your Marriage] makes me happy. Thanks for presenting the truth, and glory be to Dads who are willing and able to jump into that “Charmed Circle.” I think Mom tends to act as gatekeeper to the children, even (surprisingly) with her husband. It’s almost as if she only wants to let in the most worthy, and she’s upset when her gallant Knight doesn’t fight to be within the Circle. Dads who don’t fight to get in are (unconsciously) deemed unworthy - uncommitted - and those Dads face a very difficult road ahead. It might make Dads resentful that they should need to prove their worth yet again, but biologically it makes sense: men can be dangerous to babies, so only keep those near who are absolutely committed to the baby’s health and well-being. Interesting!
Duana’s response: Mama Bear needs to invite Dad into the cave
Kelly, thank you! Your ideas resonate with some of the evolutionary psych findings that show more parental investment (time, care, nurturance, money spent, food given, etc.) the more a parent is convinced that the child is theirs. Moms are sure; after all, what sane woman ever gave birth and upon cradling the newborn to her breast, asked, “Who’s the mama?” But it’s more than theoretical that some men falsely believe themselves to be Papa Bear. Studies I’ve read show that globally, between 2% and 20% of kids are being raised by guys who falsely believe they’re Biodad. Other studies show that the single-greatest danger kids—especially kids age 5 and under—face is the presence in the home of any male who isn’t the children’s direct biological relative.
So yes, moms tend to be Mama Bears, protecting their precious ones even from the father at times. I think the Gottmans make a vital point, though: The cost of all this gate-keeping can be the alienation of a man who actually did want to raise the baby with you. That’s too high a price, yes? Sometimes, Dad has to be invited in before he can fully invest. When Mom extends that invitation, she’s protecting their babies and her marriage, for the long haul.
From Vincent: But what about new moms…should they do anything other than what Duana told Jim?
I really applaud Jim. Not many people are as proactive in finding an answer before the “crisis” begins. I truly believe, not based-on-science, that his asking the questions up front and preparing for what is needed for love’s survival is going to be the best blessing for him, his wife & their new child(ren).
I noticed that this article is written in response to Jim and his fears.I am very glad that you brought up the husbands grieving process and that the wife needs to understand that loss, rather than attack it as something else. Do you have other advice that might help a new mom in her post-baby marriage?
Duana’s response:
Hi, Vincent,
I agree with you in regards to Jim’s clear-sightedness and how his proactivity is likely to help his marriage and his family. That really impressed me. Most of the letters I’ve received about Transitioning have been sent years after the pain began, and there was much ground to regain and time that could never be recovered.
And I *love* your question about what I would have said to a woman if she’d written Jim’s letter. Because indeed, the advice would have been different.
As Joan just notes below, had her own husband not jumped aboard, things could have fallen apart even with they myriad advantages they possessed. I wrote the letter to Jim so I could stress a rock-bottom Truth: If Dad withdraws, everyone loses.
But whether or not Dad jumps in with both feet can be tremendously helped or hindered by the wife, and here’s how:
Dear New Or Expectant Mom,
If you want to influence your husband to join you and Baby in the New Normal so you can all have a happy life together, please attend to the following things:
1. Buy the Gottmans’ book(s) asap and read them with hubby to learn everything you can, not only about how to have a great marriage post-baby, but to have a great marriage, period.
2. After the birth, if your husband seems jealous of the baby, and/or lonely and sad, don’t flog him about it. You fell madly in love with the baby right away because it’s what women’s biology does (I myself fell apart crying with joy three days post-partum because I simply could not take in how passionately and utterly in love I was with my baby girl). You had no more choice about falling in love with your baby than your husband had about *not* feeling that way. And falling in love with Baby didn’t make you good any more than not falling in love made him bad.
3. The reason you’re not mourning the loss of relationship with only your husband is that you’re high on love. But because your husband is still primarily in love with you—and you’ve been overtaken by a newborn he doesn’t know all that well yet—he will grieve a great loss. Acknowledge, honor and accept your husband’s grief.
I know you’re overwhelmed with the simultaneous joy and exhaustion of new life, but it’s vital for you to communicate to your husband that you understand he is mourning for the You that used to be just two. Tell him you love him; tell him you understand things aren’t as they were before and that it’s a hard transition to make. And *don’t* criticize or characterize him as selfish or small; that’s incorrect and defeating.
4. Help your husband to get involved with Baby. It’s likely he will indeed transition if you give him a chance and show him a lot of patient support.
Helping can mean many things.
It can mean backing off when he offers to change Baby’s diaper, burp Baby, feed Baby—instead of jumping in and showing him the right way. You probably do know the right way, but it’s clinically proven that your child is much better off with an eager and attentive father who does some things less-than-perfectly, than with a father who withdrew because he felt criticized in all his parenting efforts.
Helping can also mean offering sincere thanks for every good thing your mate does for you, instead of commenting upon all the ways he’s falling short. It’s operant conditioning, My Dear! We all want to do things that are rewarded. When even our best efforts go unnoticed…well, that’s de-motivating.
And helping can mean specifically asking for help in a non-confrontational but pinpointed way: “Jim, would you please put the wash in?” “I’d like to take a nap with the baby now. Can you run the vacuum while I do that?”
5. Build your friendship with your husband before the baby comes, and keep it up after Baby is here. Turns out, friendship in marriage is a scientifically definable and learnable thing—that will be next week’s Love Science.
6. Although it’s usually the last thing on Mom’s mind (or may even horrify a new mom if she’s tired and touched-out), Sex is still on your man’s mind. Don’t neglect him~not if you value his open heart. A lot of men’s emotions open up as a direct result of sexual release with and from their woman (just as many a woman finds that a man’s loving actions open our hearts and other parts to sex). Gottman’s book gives many a field-tested way to keep the home fires burning post-Baby, and I recommend learning them all. (And yes, I’ll do an article just about that someday…but for now, you really need The Book :) ).
I hope this has helped some future and new moms and families, and Vincent, I again thank you for the outstanding question.
From Brenda: New-baby blues, or, How An Alien Took Over My Body. Plus: Sex After Baby
I totally agree that babies will definitely stress out an already rocky marriage. Add post-partum depression to the stress of a new baby and it can be disastrous to a marriage. My biggest stress was feeling like my body wasn’t my own any more. Being a baby’s only source of nutrition was hard on me mentally. I felt like my body wasn’t my own anymore. The last thing I wanted at the end of the day was to be touched by yet another person——my husband! My biggest regret was being so hard on myself about breastfeeding. I had it drilled into my brain that formula was so bad and that I would be a bad mom for supplementing breastfeeding with it. Looking back, all of our lives would have been much better if I would’ve slipped in a bottle of formula every once in awhile. I always advise new mothers to not be so hard on themselves and not to be so worried about being a “failure”.
Duana’s response:
Brenda, thank you for this. Although science conclusively shows that breast is better than formula for Baby’s health and intellectual development, all things being equal, sometimes all things are rather *un*equal-as with a marriage where one or both parents are so overwhelmed by it that the stress and fatigue themselves threaten to undermine the partnership.
Often, Le Leche League or a lactation consultant or just a great friend who breast-fed can be of help. But when nothing else works, I agree that flexibility is key. As the Gottmans succinctly and wisely put it, the data show that the *best* gift parents can give a child in *every regard* (yes, including babies’ health) is a happy union between Mom and Dad.
Regarding sex, I wish I’d had an opportunity to get to that topic in the article. Women commonly suffer from touch fatigue, as you did. We can’t stand even one more person touching us—we’re all touched out from carrying and nursing someone for 16 or more of our waking hours!
Add sleep deprivation, and it’s no wonder the Gottmans found the following in their research on over a hundred couples over the course of several years, from new marriage to three years or more post-baby:
Before the birth, men and women tended to have fairly similar sexual desire levels. But even as long as 3 years afterwards, *normal* sexual desire for intercourse in women was once every 2 weeks—men, 2 or 3 times a week!And this is even among the happy couples. John Gottman summarized his longitudinal research this way: “Before Baby, most everybody wants sex. After Baby, men want sex a lot more than women.”
There are ways to cope with the on-going sexual desire discrepancies, of course. But as with other aspects of The New Normal, the discrepancy itself is usually just part of the deal. I’d like to write an article to address the Cope side of this!
From Andy: Should fewer couples have kids?
So is the problem that fewer couples should be procreating, or that most couples are doing the baby-thing wrong? If we’re not as strong as a community as in years-past because of smaller and less-attached families, then one would say we should be figuring out how to do the family-thing better. Yet, if so many couples struggle so intensely because of baby, then is there something to be said about encouraging more childlessness?
Duana’s response:
Hi, Andy,
Fantastic question—and one that plagued yours truly as long ago as a decade. In the early/mid-1990’s, when I was contemplating marriage and motherhood but hadn’t yet attempted either, I authored a review of every study known on the marriage-and-happiness question.
Without exception, every study led to one inescapable conclusion: Childless couples were usually happiest.
Moreover, the studies I reviewed where childless/empty-nest and child-ed couples were compared showed that the couples without kids in the home were happiest—whether they were now empty-nesters or had never had little ones at all. And the rates for divorce for second marriages are *only* higher than for first marriages if either partner brings children to the union. Even physical abuse escalated when children were introduced to many relationships—and 30% of the time, the abuse started while the woman was pregnant.
The question then became Why. As the Love Science article last week made clear, some of Why is simply the nature of parenthood. Precisely when your relationship needs more time (and arguably, sleep and sex), the additional workload of bringing forth and nurturing new life makes sure you’ve got less. Andexpectations that are culturally-created are shattered when Baby comes and isn’t the bundle of (only) joy or the easy add-on to Real Life that was advertised. Plus, a whole lot of people don’t get it that it’s the rule, not the exception, that Mom is going to put Baby first—and that in couples that thrive, Mom doesn’t stop doing that; rather, Dad joins in.
But other factors play an important role, too.
For example, consider the kid-free couples in the research. They had less pressure to stay together if things weren’t going well. The ones who were still married past their first four years were just those folks who were very happy together anyway.
Andy, as you noted, a vital other factor is culture.
It’s no accident that the literature I’m citing is American. In non-Western nations, bringing up Baby is seen very differently, and families are prepared for and organized around the stresses Baby will bring. For instance, in arranged-marriage cultures, couples report *greater* happiness after a baby’s birth—not less! And in many cultures even today, a couple actually isn’t considered fully married (or in some cases, married at all) until the first child is born.
As you’d expect, the societal support for parenthood is greater in these cases in several regards:
1. In cultures that marry for the purpose of procreation, there is typically a lot less emphasis placed on marriage for love. Often this coincides with the belief that love *follows* marriage and children—not that love should come first and be extended by marriage and children. Expectations have a powerful role in shaping how we construe our lives.
2. Speaking of expectations, it may be that the non-Westernized cultures simply have more realistic expectations of what having a baby means in terms of The New Normal. It’s stereotypical in much of the world that women love children more than they love anyone else, including their husbands, and that that’s just how it is. They’re not shocked by this—we are, and we should not be.
3. Non-Western cultures tend to have a much more rigid set of gender role expectations. This works out poorly in many ways for individual happiness/freedom, as a bevy of studies show…but no matter how you look at it research-wise, it works out well for group stability.
4. Part of the family role in many non-Western cultures involvesextended-family’s help in raising Baby. Mothers and fathers are not left entirely to themselves (or to people they hire) to deal with the overwhelming array of tasks and stresses. Instead, the “It takes a village to raise a child” theme is put into real practice.
(continued response to Andy’s letter)
So back to your questions, Andy: Should we be “figuring out how to do the family-thing better”? Or “if so many couples struggle so intensely because of baby, then is there something to be said about encouraging more childlessness?”
In my opinion, the answers are Yes and Yes.
We have made it about as child-un-friendly a world as we can in the USA, from glaring at anyone who dares bring or breastfeed a baby anywhere in public, to offering parental leave and then hurting the careers of those who have the gall to take it, to making it economically much costlier to rear a child (planned or not!) than most places in the Western world. Looking for support? It’s tough finding it here, where you really are mostly on your own from the level of the law on down unless you’ve got Grandma and Grandpa’s help.
Which is where the Gottmans’ work comes in. The wonder is not how 2/3 of couples are so unhappy—it’s how 1/3 *aren’t*. Their work shows how, even in a child-un-friendly and non-supportive cultural environment, people can have wonderful, warm and sustaining marriages and family lives. They show how to “do the family-thing better”, as you put it so well.
But given the great costs and burdens of child-bearing and rearing here, there will indeed be many people who will elect not to have children at all. Certainly, during hard times that’s common around the world and here as well; birthrates plummetted during America’s Great Depression, for instance, and the data show that the number of couples who choose or plan to have zero or only one child is now on the rise.
I think that’s a shame—Like most parents, I cannot imagine life without my own two children, and like most parents, the only grief I could not and would not recover from would be their death before mine. I would not trade them for anything, I would not undo the decision to have them, and I would be heartbroken without them. And that’s how most parents, whether male or female, feel.
But in a landscape where parents are often on their own, and in a context where marriage is seen as a romantic endeavor, couples do find themselves considering, more carefully here than elsewhere, the costs versus the benefits. As long as every child is a wanted child, ultimately that works out well for the kids. Whether it works out societally? Remains to be seen.
From Sonja: Wish I’d known this sooner!
Gosh, Duana - I wished I would have known all this before I had my first. I guess it is still doable to make changes since the kids are getting older and don’t need us so much anymore. What a very well written article, straight down to all the real live facts and all you really need to know once you know that she’s pregnant.
Duana’s response:
Hi, Sonja,
Thank you so much. My husband pre-viewed this article last night, and I asked him to tell me how he viewed it from two perspectives— his own as a father getting the information long after kids are born, and as he thinks he would feel if he were in Jim’s shoes.
He responded that if he were Jim, he’d feel much better-prepared and clear-eyed and he would follow the advice to the letter; but that as himself, he felt a little bad about things that had happened in our lives that could have gone better if only we’d known sooner.
I think that’s why it’s taken me two years to get around to writing this article, though I’ve had it planned from before Love Science’s start. Vital as it is, many people will read it and think: Wow, I Screwed Up.
Here’s the silver lining:
It’s never too late to turn things around. As I wrote to Jim privately, “It’s a lot easier to maintain a happy marriage than to repair one that’s broken down.” But it’s possible and *probable* to fix marriages at any stage.
The best time to fix a problem is before it’s a problem. The second-best time is the first moment we find out we have alternatives. The Gottman’s two books are those alternatives. Read them…and don’t weep :).
From Brenda: The view from Costa Rica, or how cultural expectations shape parenting experience
I totally agree about the cultural component on expectations after having a baby. I saw it firsthand this summer. We traveled to Costa Rica this summer. In our group, there were 5 adults and 1 child (my 6 y.o. son). I was kind of nervous about taking him, but all my worries dissipated immediately. The Costa Ricans (Ticos) were so wonderful with him. He was treated like a king! We went to a lot of “off the beaten path” places and I was amazed at how kids were EVERYWHERE! I asked a Tico if kids were always around and he said that it is just normal to have kids around and that it would be weird not having them there. They definitely do “the village” thing. Complete strangers would say “Cuidado, mijo, cuidado” (be careful my son) if they were worried about my son falling, tripping, getting attacked by a monkey (lol), etc. It was such a stress-free time!
From Brenda: Touch fatigue! And daddy jealousy. And older parents.
Duana, I love the term “touch fatigue”!!! It’s exactly what I was feeling. My poor husband was very understanding. I know it had to bother him that I would cringe when he tried to touch me at the end of the day. I asked him how he could stand it and he just said that he saw how awesome of a mother I was being and it made up for my standoffish behavior. He said that seeing me dote on the baby made him love me even more! We were MUCH older than most first-time parents, so I think that maturity played a huge part in his attitude. I know this is not always the case.
My own father STILL has jealousy issues. My mom said he was always so jealous of the baby and he would act very childish. He has gotten better but I still see the jealousy when I visit home. He gets huffy when my mom and I go shopping or out to lunch. It’s almost as if he thinks that “my turn” is over and that my mom should only focus on him now that we all are adults. I don’t even think he realizes he acts this way. But once I cuddle up with him or give him a smooch, he is putty in my hands! He gets over it! I will always be his little girl, I guess.
Duana’s response:
Brenda, your comments about Costa Rica’s Ticos echoes what I’ve heard and experienced in some other parts of the world as well. It is easier to parent when the entire society is behind it—when, effectively, there are parents waiting to back you up, everywhere you or your child turn, and that they’re still there if you turn your back for a moment.
I, too, love the term (but not the feeling of) “touch fatigue”. Wish I could recall where I first encountered those words! Your story about your husband’s response to your own touch fatigue is exemplary. Kudos to him—what a great guy.
Not coincidentally, the Gottmans’ research backs up your husband’s response as being emblematic of the still-happy couples’ attitudes: They Accept The New Normal.
But again, culture can get in the way of Acceptance. As my first draft of this article stated, “Acceptance isn’t easy, especially for the young and the Western, whose cultural bias is that problems must be directly eliminated. We’re exceptionally unprepared for the fact that most problems in life and in love are *not* fixable…..
“Not. Fixable. Ever! We have the choice to learn coping tools. Butto persist in believing we can/should/must eradicate new-baby stress is a guaranteed, miserable Fail.”
Finally, Brenda, I would like to tune in to something you wrote about being older when you became a parent. Age turns out to be a big part of how well people make the adjustment to parenthood—with the older parents making the happier adjustments.
Maybe that’s because post-20’s (and 30’s) parents are literally more mature, cortically. Perhaps it’s due to larger bank accounts accrued during years where they had their educations *before* they had their babies—and they’ve had their career advancement before parenthood already, too. Maybe it’s because having a couple decades of independence under one’s belt makes it feel less like privation and more like privilege to raise a child. Maybe it’s what Erik Erikson wrote about in his theory of psychosocial development—folks in their 30’s-40’s are ready to find Meaning in life via generatively giving to the world, most especially including involvement with kids. Maybe it’s because some of these parents have had to struggle to become pregnant, and they realize what a gift a child is. Or maybe it’s all of the above.
Thanks for your insightful contributions and sharing your life!
From Gillian: Does having a baby ever, ever save a bad marriage?
Great topic, fabulous article! And way-2-go, Jim! What a great Valentine you’re giving your wife and baby by looking into this matter beforehand … And I applaud you for wanting to look into it.
After reading this, I am thrilled beyond measure that I didn’t have children with my first husband. And believe me, I was tempted. In my early 30’s (tick tock) with a rocky marriage, one side of me thought, “Have a child. It will fix the marriage.” The other, wiser side of me said, “Run!” Which is what I did.
15 years later, I can see that having a child to save a disastrous marriage would have been a Really Bad Idea in my case. I’m wondering … Is having a baby to save a marriage ever, in any case, a good idea for anyone …?
PS: My story did end well. Some years later, I married Husband #2, and delivered a baby daughter when I was almost 40. Husband #2 is like Jim (cares about momma/baby and making us happy) so even through the initial stress of 2:00am feedings, etc., it all worked out fine. I still have a mental picture of my husband laying on the couch at 2:30am with our tiny daughter asleep on his chest … Oh, how I love him for letting me sleep!
From Joan: Having Baby brought us closer!
Well, I’m not one to scoff at science, and this great column has changed my mind many times, but in my experience having a child actually enhanced my marriage, not depleted it, or even kept it the same. Husband and I are thrilled to have a joyful little project (our daughter, age 10) to work on together Admittedly, we fall into the 40-something category of late parenthood, which Duana mentioned, as well as the 1/3 of couples who remain close after baby … and in our case, even closer.
Yes, the first year was an adjustment, and like Brenda I felt pulled-upon in body, mind, and soul. Also, I sometimes felt trapped in my own house because even getting to the grocery store with an infant was a major ordeal. But I loved having something meaningful to do with my husband, i.e., raise a child.
If there’s anything I would do differently, I would have pinched every penny to hire a doula to help out during those first few weeks so both my husband and I could sleep, learn, and emotionally adjust. We did have Grandma visit for a little while, but sometimes Grandma was out-of-sync with my radar on what baby needed. I was trying to work from home at the time (directing 9 employees and 100 students), so having the support of a beautiful, Birkenstock-wearing, love-giving, all-knowing, earth momma/doula (and I mean that in the kindest way possible) would have been pure heaven for me.
From Marilyn: All changes make a difference
Any change is going to make an effect on my marriage. I’ve been through loosing jobs, surviving illness, and having to move oversees for 2 years (not my choice). My husband and I made it through. I guess children are different because they are permanent. We have 4, and it was true what people say that they get easier.
Duana’s response:
Dear Gillian and Joan and Marilyn,
Thank you so much for writing in as examples of women who, together with willing Home Team husbands, have made the Transition beautifully (and in Marilyn’s case, repeatedly!). Gillian, I loved the imagery of your sweetie holding your baby against his chest while you slept.
Your letters brought some other things up, too.
1. Does having a baby ever help a marriage that’s in trouble?
Well, it’s hard to say it never, never has, Gillian. Indeed,evolutionary psychologists recommend having a child to help create permanence in a marriage. That’s because around the world, the #1 reason for divorce is the failure to have kids; procreation is so expected that infertility or refusal to bear children literally ends many unions.
Moreover, people do work much harder to save a marriage if they have children; data show that childless couples experience a lot less stress, but also they cut-and-run much more readily when storms of life surge.
That said, wisdom urges caution in telling troubled couples to have a baby. Science is very clear that stress makes people less, not more, able to cope with troubles. Babies bring stress—a lot of it—and if couples already didn’t know how to interact respectfully, kindly, compassionately, friendly, then the baby won’t help a bit and will actually hurt. The evolutionary rationale is global and not specific to the USA; it’s based on many, many parts of the world where a couple literally must stay together once a child is born and often are encouraged or forced to part if no baby is forthcoming. So in other words, how well those data apply to a high-divorce-rate, kids-optional society is questionable, I think.
2. Are personality types involved in who becomes the Happy 1/3?
Joan, your letter made me ask this question because of your having described your child as a joint project you and your husband love to participate in. I think that’s exactly how Builders (a personality type discussed in another Love Science article) see most of the activities they love, including marriage and parenting and volunteerism.
I wonder if you and your husband don’t both fit that personality profile? Take the test and see. (Here’s the link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/the-fisher-personality-test-do-opposites-attract.html)
I’d also guess, based on this, that Explorers are among those least likely to transition well without help like the Gottmans offer. Helen Fisher’s data show that when two Builders wed, they have among the happiest and longest-lasting marriages of any personality type; but that the Explorers divorce oftener than any other. I am guessing that’s because Explorers live to experience new things, and parenthood involves years of repetition along with changes. But these are just my conjectures; it would be fascinating to see some data.
3. How helpful can outside assistance be? Again, Joan, this question arises because of your insights about wishing you’d had a doula. My guess is that wherever a couple can afford additional assistance—as with a housekeeper, prepared meals, lawn service and a baby nurse—that the transition is easier. Hiring these folks means less stress and more time to focus on the changes you’re all going through. And I’ll bet it’s yet another reason older parents transition more readily—they’ve got more resources to throw at the stress.
Thanks again for great letters.
Joan’s reply:
Thank you, Duana, for your wonderful and thorough response. How interesting that personality likely plays a role in who becomes the happy 1/3. Both my husband and I have taken the Fisher Personality Test (some months ago) and you’re correct: I’m a Negotiator/Builder and he’s a Builder, builder, builder to the nth degree. So it does seem we had everything going for us: compatiable personality types, strong marital commitment, late parenthood, and sufficient resources. Still, husband could have chosen not to get on the mommy/baby team, and that sure would have put a stink on things.
From Tracey: Help me, I’m pregnant and this article is freaking me out!
While I realize that this column is intended to be realistic and helpful, so that hopefully more people join the “1/3” group, it is downright terrifying reading it as a first time mom to be.
Duana, my husband and I have been together a long time, 11 years by the time baby is born, so we’ve had a long time of just the two of us. While we both know there will be changes, I don’t think there is any real way to anticipate exactly how those changes will feel until we’re in it. We contemplated briefly not having any kids, but I especially felt that I would feel incomplete, and he seemed to think eventually he would too. But now after reading this, I’m admittedly shaking in my boots and wondering what we’ve signed up for!
Duana’s response:
Dear Tracey,
Please accept my apologies for scaring you so much. I think it’s always advisable to be prepared (to the extent possible) for any major change—and if you buy “And Baby Makes Three” and read it together, you *will* be prepared.
Experimental research on the exact techniques discussed in that book showed that most couples who learned the Tricks O’ The New Parent Trade joined the happy 1/3. For instance, the control group’s percentage of post-partum depression was 66%—by itself that could explain the miserable 2/3! But the experimental group, who received Gottman’s training, had better outcomes for everyone—Mom, Dad, Marriage, & Child—on every measured dimension; only 22% of the Trained Moms got depressed. Upshot? The parents who learned what to do in advance switched the odds so that 2/3 were *happy*.
Those folks learned. And you can, too.
Moreover, you and your sweetie are in a much better position than most for doing well once Baby arrives.
First, you’ll read The Book :).
Second, your expectations will have been modified by it and this article. The way that child-bearing is presented to the unaware parent-to-be is often as if you’ve got this great life and marriage and now, you’re just going to tack a baby onto it…but, no. Your life, if all goes as it should for Human Survival and Thrival, will get tacked onto the baby—and so will your husband’s. Happy couples get it that the Baby is actually the first priority…the New Normal is what it is because marriage does not come first to the exclusion of child needs once a child is born. Instead, if all goes well, you and your husband both experience a profound reorientation of your priorities, as Joan and her husband did.
Which is a Very Good Thing. Expecting roses and finding a lot of thorns is bad for a marriage, just as expecting all-thorns would be unrealistic and hurtful.
Which brings us to point #3: There’s no reason to be terrified~you’re about to have the love of your lives. Look around—most parents here, there, and everywhere love their children. And having to work hard for those children is not a bad thing—it gives life Meaning, and Meaning is the royal road to lasting happiness (yes, that’s research-based, too). Seriously. When Marty Seligman examined who has the happiest lives, they weren’t the folks who had all the money and freedom; indeed, those people were among the least likely to be happy. The happy people were those who accepted their own lives, with their own sets of unique challenges, and found Meaning in their endeavors and struggles (parental and otherwise).
For instance, I attended a conference where data were presented regarding whether parents had a favorite child, and if so, whether there was rhyme or reason to which child it was. Two fascinating findings emerged: All parents admitted, privately, that they did have a favorite. And the favorite was the (now-adult) one who, as a baby or child, had needed them the most, whether because the child had been ill or for some other need.
In other words, the very fact that this baby will Need you so much will open you up to love and life in a way you have quite possibly never dreamed of. That nagging feeling that your lives wouldn’t have been complete without your baby? Was in all likelihood right.
Finally, you and your mate have a number of other things going for you, specifically. You’re not in your 20’s or younger, which (as discussed above) helps tremendously; and you’ve been together a long time and have had a long true commitment before becoming parents.
For whatever reason, that long-lasting pre-baby relationship and commitment are *very* helpful in putting you in the Happy 1/3. Maybe it’s because you’ve already had so much practice at interacting properly (respectfully, kindly, compassionately, with great friendship and a lot of complaining but not criticizing as needed) before the stresses of new parenthood was added. At any rate, that history you two have will be a big help as you transition.
Tracey, I hope this response has helped you to back away from the cliff and/or pointy objects, breathe slowly and deeply, and allay your fears. You are going to be fine; it’s not a crap-shoot who winds up happy, but rather is a matter of some new learning, some acceptance of new realities, and some maturation of yourselves and your relationship. You’ve got the last part sewn up. Now it’s just a matter of doing some learning and accepting that —truly!— almost anyone can do. Go for it.
Cheers,
Duana
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Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com.
Related Love Science articles:
Today’s Q&A is based on last week’s article about How Not To Let The Baby Ruin Your Marriage:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-not-to-let-the-baby-ruin-your-marriage.html
Conflict Resolution 101 for men and women:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man.html
All Couples Have Unsolvable Problems—here’s how many remain happy anyway:
Specific Solvable Problems: Housework
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/housework-the-ultimate-aphrodisiac.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-housework-the-ultimate-aphrodisiac.html
Grieving and Men:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Happy relationships—mine and millions of others—owe an inestimable debt of gratitude to John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. For over three decades, they have researched couples –childed and childless, straight and gay, married and not—and have scientifically discerned, distilled and shared not only what separates the happy from the mad, but how simple changes can bring happiness to most relationships.
I strongly encourage every reader with a relationship to own John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ”, and every reader who wants or has children to own John Gottman’s and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s book “And Baby Makes Three: Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives ”.
The rest of the information in this article came from my knowledge base as a developmental psychologist. A partial list of research Giants upon whose shoulders I stand specifically regarding infant attachment includes Mary Ainsworth, John Bowlby, and Harry & Margaret Harlow. The Gottman’s new research validating the success of their transition to parenthood program further makes the case: You Cannot Spoil A Baby With Too Much Love—and Father Love Is Vital, Too.
For those wishing to read more about attachment parenting and appropriate discipline for children of many ages, I give William & Martha Sears’ book series the very highest recommendation—especially these two:
The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and LoveScience Media, 2011, 2014.