Dear Denise,
The man you’ve recently begun dating told you he can’t take you anywhere his former girlfriend—whom he broke up with two years ago— might be, in case it hurts her feelings. And he doesn’t want to hear otherwise. This, he says, is just how it is. All of which gives you the feeling he’s still attached to his ex.
You asked me for not only my science-based opinion, but LoveScience readers’ views. So last week, I posted the question: What is the length of time you would avoid taking a new lover to places where a former flame might be?
The Science:
Men and women: we’re more alike than not. Global science finds both sexes mostly seeking the same things in a life mate, and Loyal To Me makes the short list. (Three other top qualities include kindness, lovingness, and intelligence.) There’s nowhere the faithless mate is generally desired; and everywhere, most folks are keenly attuned for signs that a partner is putting them first. Or –in your guy’s case—not. As Wise Reader Quinn Hudson put it, “the ex is relevant until they become irrelevant. And if they are relevant the person is still trying to salvage something. New girlfriend is on borrowed time.”
The Opinions:
I think you should cease dating this man until he breaks whatever loyal-ties or nooky ties he has to this other woman and shifts his boundaries from protecting her feelings to valuing yours. I don’t have a strong opinion on how long your new man or anyone else should or normally does avoid The Ex in public (nor did I find any science on that issue). But I do think it’s advisable for them to aviod dating others until they’re Past It enough to go everywhere they and their new sweetie want to be. Just my opinion.
Did respondents agree? Well, this wasn’t a scientific survey, but you asked for opinions and here they are (names included only where respondents requested/approved). And they don’t generally favor your prospects with this man.
From a man: One day.
From a woman: Two years is too long. The ex should be moving on by now.
From a woman: My immediate thought is he is protecting himself and not the ex. Perhaps he is afraid of what the ex may tell the new gf? Self-preservation! Lol
From a man: He is a fool then…2 years??? Something wrong with that picture.
From a man: Exit stage left, asap!
From a man: Major red flag.
From a woman: He’s not over her –
From a man (Quinn Hudson): I learned a long time ago the ex is relevant until they become irrelevant. And if they are relevant the person is still trying to salvage something. New girlfriend is on borrowed time.
From a man (Allen Roark): He’s not over her—or he’s two-timing.
From a woman: sounds like he is trying to keep all options open
From a woman (Lelial Thibodeau): He sounds like a real winner. He’s either hiding something or he’s the biggest pussy alive. In either case, toss him out with yesterday’s tampon. Oh and uh, you can quote me on that, sugar tits.
From a woman: he’s protecting his ex girlfriends feelings? LOL Shouldn’t he be protecting yours? Really.
From a woman: How long has new gf been with him? It is time for her to say, “This isn’t working for me.”
From a man: I think that I would do it immediately, just to rub it in my ex’s face how stupid he was for dumping me. And how much hotter my new flame is…stupid jerk.
From a woman (Kelly): Spare her feelings? Sweetheart, if it’s really been two years since he broke up, the ex has long since moved on. If he still can’t bring his new girlfriend around, he’s simply not over the “ex”. Or perhaps he’s still with her. Either way, he needs some space to sort out his feelings. Give it to him and perhaps find yourself someone who is proud to parade you all over town. :-)
From a man: To protect the X’s Feelings,,, Well then his priorities are messed up,, once an X always an X…. Who cares about the X’s feelings,, especially when you have a NEW partner…
From a man: If you part company with the ex in an amicable manner, it shouldn’t matter… I remember the time I was with my family @ Costco and ran into an ex… She was there with her husband and I introduced both of them to my wife and girls.. It was friendly, and not stressful at all… (at least to me it wasn’t)… … it shouldn’t matter where you go .. if it’s amicable, you shouldn’t avoid places, just on the off-chance you run into an ex…
From a woman (Elizabeth): Words from a song “Walk away Joe” (Julie). I’ve been there, will never be in ‘that’ relationship again. And, he’s protecting his ex girlfriends feelings? Shouldn’t he be protecting yours? Really.Value yourself enough to walk away. Proudly.
From a man (Me): I’ll make this brief, but there is a lot I feel like i could say here. I think my ex is doing a good job of keeping her boyfriend out of my life. It may not always be that way, but since a serious depressive episode precipitated our breakup, I think she is walking gingerly for a reason that I appreciate. I feel like some of the comments I have seen regarding this topic do not take into account that there is not always an ulterior motive to making an effort to show kindness to your ex in small ways like this one! Just a counterpoint. I’m sure it does not apply to all situations.
From a woman (Mocha’s Mom): Long Answer: If there is a specific reason for avoiding the ex, e.g. a restraining order, then he needs to share that honestly. I suspect that he is still with the supposed “ex” or trying to still be with her. Or he is emotionally attached to the ex to the point where he doesn’t realize his presence doesn’t mean anything to said ex anymore. At any rate, this is not a good sign. He’s certainly not ready to give any woman (other than the ex) any kind of real attention and commitment. I wouldn’t go out with him unless/until he was ready to go to those places without caveats.
From a woman: Depends on the emotional pain that other person would bring to you. If I were to run into the guy I’m now seeing, it would hurt too much emotionally. So many break-ups are painful for at least one person, perhaps both. My first reaction: run, hide, and leave the area. Not grown up, but what I’d do.
From a man: It depends on whether or not the EX had Antisocial Personality Disorder or was likely to make a scene. If not then somewhere between 10 minutes and 2 weeks.
From a man: About 20 seconds then you remember why you broke up and it’s time to take your new lady out. An ex is just that an ex.
From a man (Michael): red flags all over. If he isn’t sleeping with the ex, sleeping around with someone who works at/frequents the place, then he’s not dealing with something in a relationship 2 years ended?
From a man: I guess avoiding people you don’t like is your right, and something i exercise regularly. However in the realm of past romance, bravely facing them with pride, dignity and preparedness is best. I actually told my wife recently I sometimes hope it happens so that can I show off my beautiful family. And I mean this in a constructive way, I hope they have found happiness too.
From a man (M. Blue Livesay): At least long enough to start my car’s ignition.
Upshot? Denise, *can* you win this man? Maybe. If you hold off on the sex or refuse to see him altogether ‘til this resolves in your favor, he might cave in and squire you all over town. The bigger question to me is whether you want to be in a relationship where you’re the third party. Because even if this man gives in on this issue, his Ex remains an issue.
And for that reason, I leave you with these final Wise words from Mocha’s Mom:
Short answer: Run. Like pantyhose in a briar patch.
Cheers,
Duana
Related LoveScience articles:
The question posed to Wise Readers that led to today’s article can be found here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/pop-quiz-whats-the-length-of-time-you-would-avoid-taking-a-n.html
The science behind today’s article is thoroughly covered in other LoveScience pieces under the heading Evolutionary Psychology, found at this tag: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/evolutionary-psychology
The science for this week’s article is based on evolutionary psychology studies done multi-culturally by David Buss and others; you can read about the research in several of his books, including my favorite, The Evolution Of Desire.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com. Your name and other identifying information will be changed and your letter edited if your question appears on-site, and you will receive a free personal response whether or not your letter is used at LoveScience.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.