Quick: if someone you were excited about decided not to date you, how would you prefer to find out? What words (if any) would you want them to say?
In my own research, people revealed a pattern. And that pattern led me to the one sentence that will let you end things easily, clearly, cleanly, quickly, kindly, and without ghosting or drama.
And we’ll get to that.
But first: why do we vanish without informing the other person? In a word: bwakbwakbwakbwaaaaak! (That’s supposed to be a chicken.)
We fear conflict, or hurting the other person, or having to deal with their difficult emotions. We tell ourselves that avoiding conflict will be kinder; a 2024 study found that some people ghosted because they cared about the other person’s feelings and wanted to spare them the pain of rejection.
But what ghosting really avoids is closure, and it creates scars that we can’t see but that research shows are there.
Back in 2009, when breaking up by text was the hot new way to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, I decided to ask people what they thought about it. The most interesting finding wasn’t about technology, though. It was what they wanted to hear when someone didn’t want them anymore.
Their answers were remarkably consistent. They didn’t want a critique of their shortcomings or a detailed explanation of why they weren’t good enough. They wanted something positive, followed by a kind, clear statement that the relationship wasn’t a match or that the necessary feelings weren’t developing.
They wanted honesty without brutality. And an ending they could recognize as an ending.
That last part matters more than you might think.
Imagine you’ve had a promising conversation with someone. You laughed together. They seemed interested. Maybe they even suggested getting together.
And then—nothing.
Did you say something wrong? Were they never interested? Did something happen to them? Should you reach out again?
A 2025 study found that ghosting caused more prolonged emotional distress than explicit rejection. In other research, people who’d been ghosted remained more emotionally attached to the person who disappeared, even checking their online activity.
Think about why. If someone says a clear but kind No, you may be disappointed, but you know where you stand. And your energy can flow back to yourself and your search. But if someone simply vanishes, you may spend days or longer trying to solve a mystery that the other person already knows the answer to. And a piece of you is wondering if they’ll return.
Now, before you create a colorful slide deck on why this one isn’t The One, I need to present a tiny caveat: Don’t tell them, specifically, why this isn’t going to work for you.
Don’t tell someone that you like them except for their personality, that you find their relationship with Fluffy to be enmeshed, or that their idea of romance is jogging together and your idea of jogging is hell. Never say, “I just don’t find you attractive enough to go out with.”
Those may be perfectly valid reasons not to move things forward. But giving a targeted, specific, or detailed reason can create the very awkwardness, pain, drama, and fallout most of us want to avoid. And in an online-dating study in 2024, some people reported more pain from rejection accompanied by an explanation than from ghosting! We don’t know how tactfully those explanations were delivered, but the finding raises an important distinction:
There’s a difference between giving someone closure that lets them move on, and giving them a critique they can’t unhear and will have to get over.
Most of the time, this other person has not committed any social crime; they just aren’t a match. Don’t scar them—just as you don’t want others scarring the person you find and fall in love with. Let this non-match go back into the dating pool with as much of an open heart as they had when you met.
So please don’t explain what’s wrong with them. Instead, use this one sentence to communicate what’s true for your emotions:
“I enjoyed talking with you, but I’m not feeling the connection I’m looking for.”
And if you’d like, you could add,
“I wish you all the best in your search.”
Bonus! Your feelings are not up for debate.
So that’s it. There’s no detailed explanation, no false hope, and no invitation to negotiate.
For someone you’ve only exchanged messages with or spoken to once, a brief text is generally fine. A more established relationship deserves a more personal conversation—although even then, keep it focused on your feelings, and decide beforehand at what time you’re ending the meeting or call. And if someone is threatening, harassing, or refusing to respect your boundaries, blocking without first informing them is absolutely appropriate. Kindness doesn’t require risking your safety.
But when someone simply isn’t your person, a gracious goodbye takes very little time.
After that, it’s perfectly appropriate to block, delete, and move on with your life. You’ve given closure; what they do with it is up to them. And you’ve earned, by your clarity and kindness and the basic right to determine who is and isn’t in your life, the prerogative to simply move on, yourself.
Dating necessarily involves rejection. You can’t find the right person without discovering that some people are wrong for you—and that you’re wrong for some people, too. That’s not failure. That’s the process working.
And having that one sentence in your hip pocket makes that process so much easier: for you and for them.
Want to find your person without settling or repeating old patterns? Watch my free 10-minute training: LoveScienceMedia.com/consult
Research and further reading
- Welch, D. (2009). Texting Your Breakup? Whether, When, How, Why. LoveScienceMedia. http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/texting-your-breakup-whether-when-how-why.html
- Park & Klein (2024). Experimental research on concern for others’ feelings as a motivation for ghosting.
- Telari, Pancani, & Riva (2025). Experimental research comparing the psychological consequences of ghosting and explicit rejection.
- Szczesniak & Spielmann (2025). Research on emotional attachment and continued monitoring following ghosting.
- van der Zanden & Schokkenbroek (2024). Multiple Facets of Rejections in Online Dating: Exploring Types, Reasons, and Impact.
Photo by Ozkan Guner for Unsplash
