From Quinn: —The Man Does Change, But Not Positively—
This was great! I don’t think I have looked at complaints from a woman as a welcomed behavior but I do feel feedback, no matter positive or negative is better than none. I love the analogy of the bank. Problem is, I am not so sure women’s DNA is to deposit more than they intend to withdraw. (So many ironies but I digress.) I think compliments have to be married to complaints in order to have a welcoming acceptance of complaints. But too often the good things are expected and therefore rarely acknowledged until they are not done. Which in results in complaints about it. And that sends a man into an “I can’t win” attitude to conclude it’s futile to even try knowing its thankless or hopeless. In essence, the man does change…just not positively.
Duana’s response:
Quinn— Love your point about how in fact, we are changing the relationship all the time…for better, or for worse. Thanks for bringing up a vital point.
From Greg: —Gottman’s Book Is A Win—
Once again your advice is right on the mark! Us “strong men” may be able to take a lot of Shi$ at work and life, but it’s the little digs and complaints at home that can really bring us down (like termites slowly eating away the supports of a home).
My wife and I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and that really helped us “be a team” and stop being termites.
Keep the great articles coming.
Duana’s response:
Greg— congrats on becoming love’s bankers instead of termites (made me laugh). Gottman’s book is fantastic, isn’t it? Happy it helped you and your wife so much.
From Kelly Kretzer (A Guy): —An Observation—
They say that a man can be a fool and not know it…unless he’s married.
From Gabriel: —Life Is A Negotiation, Complaint Gets You There—
It even hurts when I criticize myself! OUCH! Self-inflicted criticism is the worst. When I read this article I thought about how I readily accept criticism from reputable sources with accurate observances. It hurts at first then I think about it and learn how to possibly correct when may be perceived as something inappropriate or just plain wrong. Most of the time it’s just a misunderstanding. I do agree about the use of constructive and positive complaining. It would lead to that age-old, tried and true activity called negotiation. Well that’s what I kinda get from this.
Life in general has taught me that we are involved in negotiation with people all the time. Whether it’s at a PTA meeting or planning a get together with good friends or meeting with coworkers to get something out the door. Complaints are just a good way of starting the negotiation between man and woman, hubby and wife, BF and GF, etc… As long as everyone is sincere, communication starts and hopefully the two parties find that middle ground where all is acceptable. I don’t speak for all men but it does seem that we men are always engaged in negotiation even with our good buds. Usually it’s the lack of time for our responsibilities but even with free time, that free time must be given up for something, not for just wasting time. Good game of golf, drinking loads of beer, free food, LOL. I am personally not that way and consider talking about anything a good pastime. It’s a superficial example I brought up but it could be the same with women. Gotta offer something that will entice even if it’s an ego boost. hahaha. And speaking of offering, here’s a quote from someone that a good friend(My Dear Old SLAW) sent me in email…
Quote of the day: Behold the Woman
“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.”
Duana’s response:
Kelly and Gabriel, If I had been drinking anything when I read the punch lines, I would have been wearing it!
Gabriel, your observations are spot-on re: negotiations. Dr. Shelley Taylor found that men live in hierarchy and women live in connection; Gottman found that only about 1/3 of husbands—even today—are willing to be open to their mate’s influence (perhaps because of the hierarchy they’ve learned?). That 1/3 tends to be very happy and long-wed, however.
Women naturally accept their mate’s influence, according to Gottman—but if they hope to be influential themselves and break through that hierarchical thinking a male mate has, they’ve got to broach issues gently so their mate can hear it without “flooding” and stonewalling.
From George: —Letting Us Think It’s Our Idea Doesn’t Hurt—
This information is pretty accurate. I’ve often told my wife that it is in how she asks, not the fact that she is asking. I do much better at getting around to things when it is asked, or pleaded in a nice manner. One other thing that men like is to feel like it was our idea or at least that it was done in our time. Many times I has been planning to do something but, when she brings it up, I tend to put it off. I’m not saying that this is right but it is something that I’m guilty of.
Things that work for me are “Honey, do you know a good way to do this?” “I’m having a hard time figuring it out.” Sometimes the “would you like to do something nice for me?” works.
Duana’s response:
George, thanks for the reminder… It’s hard to know how to do things such that our men think it was their idea, but we’ve all heard that’s how it’s done (not aware of any science on that). Thank you for your tips on making it seem like the guy’s idea, without being manipulative or offensive.
From Candi: —If A Guy Has Gotten Used To Hearing Criticisms, Even Complaints Can Come Across That Way—
Great article, Duana! Sometimes a complaint is still seen as a criticism but that has plenty to do with the person hearing it. When you are used to hearing criticism, anything that sounds “negative” can be taken as a destructive critique instead of a constructive observation. How to get past that barrier that divides two people can be really tricky. It’s so easy for a man and woman to get into the habit of being on the defensive/attack. Turning that cycle around is well worth all the effort a couple can pour into it.
Duana’s response:
Candi, exactly! You could have a Difficult Man who was taught by his mother, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, sister, etc. to expect that everything is a criticism, and to spontaneously duck-and-cover. And the more entrenched criticism has been in one’s own relationships, the harder it is to avoid criticizing. This may be one reason Gottman’s work shows the absolute necessity of using very gentle complaints… my guess is that the longer the history of criticism, the more gentle the complaints will have to be, and the more persistence in that mode is a must.
From Daniel: —Tell Us Guys You’re Working On Criticizing Less—
Hey Duana. Great article, as usual. I think the contrast of complaints vs. criticism is dead on. Most guys are willing, even eager, to do those concrete things, measurable, verifiable, and repeatable, for the women we love. It’s the more loosely defined, less specific, nebulous things that we have a harder time with: “Be more attentive.” “Listen more.” “Show me you love me.” Give us something specific, that we can look at and say “mission accomplished,” and we’re much more comfortable.
One other thing that deserves mention: When you ladies are going through these steps, identifying when you’re criticizing, or even developing the awareness that you’re criticizing, let us know that you’re aware of it, that you’re working on it. That may (no promises) help to stop our “There she goes again” reactions. If we know you’re working on it, we will be able to notice small improvements that we might not have noticed if we weren’t tipped off in advance. And we will show you that we appreciate those improvements.
Forgot to mention: You cannot change a man, unless he wants to change. But if you give him good reasons, you can easily change his behavior.
Duana’s response:
Spot-on, Daniel. I love your suggestion for women to say, point-blank, that we realize we need to stop criticizing, and that we want you to know we’re working on it.
Interestingly, there is some research showing that partners do manage to change each other over a long stretch of years, but that it’s through complaining about very specific behaviors in the moment (even adoption and twin studies show, though, that it’s highly unlikely we can change temperament or personality much). Unfortunately, my brain tends to hang onto the results of studies without also hanging onto author names—most inconvenient, and something I hope to alter soon ;).
From Mocha’s Mom: —What If The Traits That Attracted You To Someone Are Now Annoying As Heck?—
Something I hear and see a lot of lately:
What about when the traits that attracted you to your man in the first place are the ones that become “difficult?” I’m not talking about traits that are essentially morally bad (like womanizing), but rather regular traits that eventually seem overwhelming.
The strong silent type becomes frustratingly uncommunicative; the discerning taste that was once sooo hot becomes just a case of being fussy, fussy, fussy; the unflappable, always cheerful fellow seems insensitive and flip — I could go on and on.
This isn’t entirely academic: in my social circle there is currently a slo-mo train wreck of this kind that is agonizing to watch.
Duana’s response: —That Awkward Moment When…—
Dear MM, I think what you’re referring to is That Awkward Moment When something that used to seem adorable becomes annoying. Sometimes majorly so.
Fact is, most aspects of any of us are great in some circumstances, and just awful in others. Since it’s true that we mostly don the rose-colored spectacles for dating, but remove them later on, we tend to become aware of the more irritating aspects of any given behavior only as time marches past.
Solutions? Be Happy Anyway—something I wrote about here (http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html), since all couples have numerous unsolvable troubles, but some stay blissed-out nonetheless.
And whip out the rose-colored glasses again. Research shows that nurturing a view of your partner as better than he or she actually is—maybe better than any human is—is a pretty good plan, per happiness. We did it once, during courtship. We can do it again now. It just takes a mental shift away from complaint, and towards the positive things this now-annoying trait also brings.
From Trencherman —How I Got My Boyfriend To Use His Turn Signal Without A Fight—
I agree. My long-term boyfriend never used to use his turn signals when driving. I stroke his leg, kiss his cheek, and say stupid stuff like “you are so sexy when you turn the blinker on)—EVERY TIME he uses the blinker. It’s become a joke between us, but you’d better bet he uses his turn signal now.
Other than that he came to me with no flaws, so he’s just about perfect now.
Duana’s response:
Dear Trencherman, you’re just about perfect to have thought of that. You could give lessons, and not just in driving!
From Mocha’s Mom: —It’s Just A Thing I Do (Another Way To Ask For Change)—
Of course, there’s also the approach of just admitting up front that the way you want to do things is not some awesome truth but just your habit.
For example, I was always re-stacking things or shuffling them around after Mocha’s Dad put them away, and one day while we were folding laundry I said, “This may sound nutty, but I like to put the clean towels on the bottom of the stack every time so that they all get used evenly instead of having a bunch of like-new ones and a bunch of shredded ones. It’s just a thing I do.”
Ever since then, he puts the fresh towels on the bottom of the stack. You can almost never get your way by insisting that your little way of doing things is vital, but at least in my case I find that he’s willing to do a lot of stuff if I just say, “Hey, could you maybe try doing it this way.”
Of course, there are things you just have to let the other person do. He and I have totally different ways of washing dishes, cleaning house, etc, and for a while I wanted him to switch to my way. While I was looking for my chance to change his habits, I noticed that when he did things his way, nothing disastrous happened.
If he washes the dishes, we don’t get horrible diseases that can only be traced to improperly washed dishes. If he cleans the bathroom, no one runs screaming from it in a horrified state.
Once I stopped criticizing his ways of doing things, I found he was super-duper helpful in a lot of areas all on his own. Kewl.
Duana’s response: —You Married A Guy Who Does Dishes & Cleans Bathrooms—
Dear Mocha’s Mom, I often hear from women who are displeased with their guy’s housekeeping; meantime, other women are writing to say that their man does no housekeeping at all. (More on the Guy Must Do Housekeeping thing here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/housework-the-ultimate-aphrodisiac.html.) So I’m delighted you gave the He-Does-Housework-A-Different-Way-From-Mine women the answer they’ve been looking for, or at least the one they need.
Mocha’s Dad is cleaning bathrooms and doing dishes, and you had the good sense to realize and appreciate that you have a guy who cleans bathrooms and does dishes! Mine own sweetheart loves to rearrange the dirty dishes in the machine prior to a wash. Hey, he’s doing stuff—I love it.
All of which is to say, I love the ideas you presented, especially the idea that sometimes, letting go and appreciating what the other person has to offer is highly workable.
This is remarkable information. It’s amazing to hear how important complaining actually is since women are constantly told that there’s nothing we can do about “the way men are”. I’ve always wondered how one is supposed to effect change when it is so clearly needed, because to just let everything go seems disrespectful to yourself. Thanks for such vital bits of wisdom.
From Louise: —Thank You!—
Dear Dr. Duana,
First of all, let me say that I LOVE the way you write—such a marvelous combination of common sense based on research along with your great wit! You really hit a home run with the contrasting of complaints with criticism—thank you! Oops! Gotta go and put some more $ in the BANK!
Louise
Duana’s response:
LOL, Louise! Thank you and Monica both. Knowing this information is making a difference makes all the obsessing over phrasing worthwhile :).
I toyed with putting the $$ Love Bank first—because adding positives is really the fastest route to happiness.
But Monica, the point you just made kept nagging at me (pun intended)—how are we supposed to change men if we can’t criticize?!? Learning that criticism never helps was a huge surprise to me. “What! Never?! Aaaaargh!”
Learning that complaining gets the job done was equally revelatory. As was finding out that we actually have to complain—couples who let it all slide aren’t as happy as those who won’t brook disrespect, etc., and who say so immediately.
I have had to read and read and re-read and try and apply this information in my own life, and Oh, What A Difference It Makes. As a mostly-reformed Criticizer In Recovery, I can say Gottman’s research has made such a positive impact in our home.
May it do likewise for you!
From Joan N.: —Thank You!—
I love this article! I sensed that criticism was bad, so I avoided it sometimes to the point of not saying anything at all. But ignoring my needs didn’t work because they’d get bottled up inside.
Then one fine day without warning, one small thing would set me off in a barrage of criticism on my poor husband, which was way out of proportion to his “crime” (Can’t you get your trash off the counter - we DO have a trashcan - want me to show you how to use it??? And another thing, you never…) Much better to gently complain immediately (now that I know how - thank you, Duana) instead of letting annoyances fester in the name of Keeping The Peace.
Fortunately, both of us are good about making emotional deposits in the Bank of Love, which has completely saved us over the long haul. I agree and have seen first-hand how one sharp criticism (withdrawal) can wipe out a whole pile of deposits.
Thank you x 1million for this article - I will be applying it in my home, and forwarding it to others, as well :-) I believe that I have a good marriage, but the “relationship mechanic” in me is always looking for ways to strengthen it - and this advice is a winner.
Duana’s response:
Wow! Thank you, Joan. I was particularly struck with your comment that it’s “Much better to gently complain immediately (now that I know how…) instead of letting annoyances fester in the name of Keeping The Peace.”—Gottman’s most recent book is a series of case studies where couples are worked with in-depth to help them return to happiness. Repeatedly, it contains situations where the wife just won’t complain, and the emotional spark of the relationship is dying as a result. I still love “7 Principles” the best of all his books—it’s everything in one spot—but the examples really brought home to me just how vital complaining is.
From Carmen Gaines: —He Was Good Enough Then (& Still Is Now)—
This one was very, very good. Oh, the importance of “I” messages!!! And I liked your differentiation between Changing A Man (we cannot change anyone, of course, we do not have that power) and Altering A Relationship. Excellent. My thoughts are, I fell in love with him, why on earth would I want to Change him? What HAS changed is our manner of relating to one another, as we are. Which is the point of your article. Thanks for alerting me to it!
From DeeDee B. –Thank You!—
Duana, i LOVE this website! Every article that i’ve read has advice that is FANTASTIC, experienced, and so well researched. I intend to share it with many girlfriends! Thank you thank you thank you for this free site to help us improve our relationships with the Martians. ;) Very very needed!
Duana’s response:
Carmen, I love this bit from you: “I fell in love with him, why on earth would I want to Change him? What HAS changed is our manner of relating to one another, as we are.” Acceptance (as opposed to grit-your-teeth tolerance) goes a long way towards happiness.
Thanks to you and DeeDee for the two thumbs up ;).
From Tracey Louis: —Thanks For Humanizing Our Mates—
As always, I thoroughly enjoyed your straightforward, practical advice that is presented in a way that I can identify my relationship with without feeling defensive or threatened. The lessons and reminders to do things like complain, not criticize, are important messages that can be easily forgotten or overlooked in the heated moments of negative patterns between couples. I think what I especially like about your column is that it reminds us where the bad behavior we and our partners do (criticize, stonewall, etc.) really stems from and it humanizes us and our spouse once again as emotional creatures just trying to make the best of situation. So I’ll do my best to begin making more deposits into the Bank of Love again, you made an important point.
Duana’s response:
Tracey, “it humanizes us and our spouse once again as emotional creatures just trying to make the best of situation.” Thank you. Most people, most of the time, are doing the best they can (even if, sometimes, it’s not so great). Your point here is really important, and makes it much easier to do biz at the Bank Of Love.
From Christine J: —Trying My Patience—
I love it :)
I completely agree that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. It can be really hard to be gentle about complaints sometimes b/c some guys just do things that irritate beyond belief, and staying calm & nice feels like a test from God.
I am definitely going to start reading Gottman’s book once I’m done with classes, it looks like a great read!
From J.D.: —Banking at Love & Trust—
Excellent article, Duana! I think you “hit the nail on the head” when you suggest that we (and women specifically) abandon this long-held notion that we can change one another. It’s gotten to the point where it’s not so bad that we make the attempt but the ways in which we aim at our intended goal (i.e. greater understanding and care) have now started to become increasingly counterproductive.
“If we Difficult Women never criticize, how are we supposed to do our job of Dealing With (you know—changing!) our Difficult Men?”
I think the problem, as you insinuate without ever plainly saying, is in the question itself. Implicit in her notion of communication is the belief that she can badger this man into submission with criticism and judgement, when in reality the only thing she’s probably doing is further exacerbating the divide between them.
I particularly love the balance that you suggest by asking that we think of our relationships as bank accounts. If we make emotional and/or psychological “withdrawals” on our relationships (whether they come in the form of criticisms or asking for extra care) it’s vital that we periodically make deposits, as well, if only to replenish the reservoir of love that binds the couple together.
Because once that bad boy runs dry, growing resentment, as Gottman and others have clearly pointed out through their research, will almost certainly lead to the dissolution of their relationship.
Great advice! Women (and men) should seriously count themselves lucky to have someone like you.
Duana’s response:
J.D., thank you for the insightful comments. Gottman has a master’s degree in mathematics from MIT in addition to his doctorate in clinical psychology, and he’s used his genius to quantify many aspects of love relationships that were formerly considered too slippery for precision. By observing hundreds of couples in longitudinal (across time) studies, he’s found that deposits at the Bank O’ Love must dramatically exceed withdrawals—by 5 to 1 just to survive, and by 20 to 1 for genuine happiness. Just adding positives—without changing anything else—will dramatically improve/change the relationship with anyone who is not willfully cruel or abusive.
Thank you all for your enthusiastic support of this article and of LoveScience.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.
The Dealing With Your Difficult Man article these comments came from is here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man-1.html
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link:
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his bookThe 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
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On February 12th, LoveScience turns 3. That sounds young, but in web-years, it’s an indication of robust health and super longevity~ success you’ve made possible by reading, commenting, sending your queries, and passing links along. So thank you most sincerely.
Of course, another anniversary is approaching: Valentine’s Day, a day many love, and many others love to hate. Whatever your feelings about it, in honor of the month of l’amour, LoveScience was featured at Culturemap as a top relationship/dating blog, and here’s the scoop:
Thank you again for three amazing years; here’s to love, science, and LoveScience in our lives for many more.
Cheers,
Duana
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I loved your Difficult Woman article and wish we could make it required reading for humanity. I think it is heroic for a man to actually stop, pause, and respond lovingly when criticizedby his wife. That man’s stature instantly would increase ten-fold in my eyes. One thing seemed contradictory, though. In passing, you said, “Criticism never helps a relationship.” But you also said, “In the happiest couples, the wife does the vital job of complaining…” If we Difficult Women never criticize, how are we supposed to do our job of Dealing With (you know—changing!) our Difficult Men?
Anna
Dear Anna,
Your core question is one for the ages: Can you change a man?We’ve all been told it’s impossible. But we’ve been shown that a woman’s job is to treat men like grapes, stomping them until they’ve metamorphosed into worthy dinner companions.
Science finds a truth quite opposite this cultural show-n-tell. In fact, You Can Change A Man. Just not with criticism.
Now that I’ve got your attention…here’s how.
Step 1: Repeat the mantra: “Criticism always hurts.”
Dr. John Gottman has spent decades discerning which couples are happy, why, and how the rest of us can get there. His unparalleledThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert concludes that“There is no such thing as constructive criticism.” That’s because criticism predictably snowballs into defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—habitual reactions so deadly to marriage, Gottman calls them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”.
Criticism never helps; it always hurts; it gets us to the opposite of love, respect, and happiness. Whatever phrasing works, the basic point is crucial.
Step 2: Learn the difference between criticisms and complaints.
Happy couples don’t let resentments build or ignore disrespectful, unloving acts. Instead, they gently complain as soon as they notice something amiss. And we all know who “they” are, right? Yes, we women, who bring up over 80% of sensitive issues.
Complaining is valid work. The tough point for many of us, though, is divining the difference between a complaint and a criticism. The tell-tale signs?
—Complaints make a specific request for change, dealing with the present situation only;
—complaints begin with “I” (“I think you’re a jerk” does not count, by the way); and
—complaints avoid blame, accusations and character assassination.
Criticisms, on the other hand, are global denouncements, attacking the other person’s general behavior and even their character—a sure sign of disrespect that swiftly and surely kills love. Statements that inject absolutes such as “never” and “always”, or that begin, “You know what your problem is?” are reliable tip-offs.
So here’s a Really Brief Quiz On Complaint Versus Criticism (Gottman’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last gives much more detail for Criticizers In Recovery):
“I wound up taking out the trash today, even though we agreed you’d do it. Will you do it this Thursday?”
Or
“Your never take out the trash—your one chore! How lazy can you be?”
One of these is something most of us could respond to favorably; the other….
Step 3: Replace criticisms with gentle complaints.
Does your man tune out or shuffle away, vacant-eyed and deaf-mute, at the slightest hint of negativity? Exposure to habitual criticism causes Zombie-like stonewalling—not because men don’t care, but because they can’t process emotional interactions once their heart-rates exceed 100 beats per minute. The more criticisms men hear, the more they learn to expect, and the more hair-trigger their physiology becomes.
To reclaim your Man who makes eye contact and engages when you need him, replace criticisms with gentle complaints…very gentle…ideally, so gentle, they may not even sound like complaints.“Oh, Honey, I can’t wait for you to get home and wrap your arms around me” might replace “You workaholic! Get your a** home pronto if you ever want to see mine again!” For instance.
Be gentle with yourself, too. Even blissful couples criticize a little; nobody’s perfect. And breaking the criticism habit is tough. So start by noticing after you’ve criticized. Soon, you’ll notice during criticism; and then eventually, you’ll notice that you’re about to criticize, and you’ll complain instead. Kudos! You’re on your way.
Step 4: Add positives—a lot of them.
Criticism always hurts, but an over-abundance of complaints is a deal-breaker, too. How can you express what you need without overdoing the negativity? Elementary, my dear Anna: Overbalance with positives ‘til you are far, far into the black at the Bank Of Love.
Think of your relationship as a bank account, except that at the Bank Of Love, you have to deposit at least $5 for every $1 you withdraw, or you’re broke. But the 5:1 ratio just covers bare-bones survival. Research shows that love’s happy millionaires squirrel away $20 of hugs, kisses, adoring gazes, sexual enthusiasm, compliments, supportive comments, and kind and respectful acts for each $1 in negativity they spend.
Extra Credit: Persist to reap the rewards.
I began this post with the extravagant claim that You Can Change A Man. Now, it’s time to confess: You won’t ever change who he is, not really. And if you ever loved and respected him, that’s probably best.
But you can change the relationship dramatically for the better, so that both of you are your happiest and most in love—just by doing these Steps as often as you can, even though none of us is in danger of doing them perfectly.
You might see positive results immediately—many do. But if your Man has already been Taken By Zombies, it might be a few weeks.That’s okay. Persist. Research shows these Steps are extremely likely to return your sweetheart and foster his openness to your influence—maybe in a way you haven’t known in years. Isn’t that worth a bit of effort?
Yes, it is. Bank on it.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his bookThe 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/display/Search?searchQuery=gottman&moduleId=9130610&moduleFilter=&categoryFilter=JournalEntry&startAt=0
]]>From Mocha’s Mom: —There Is An Industry That Makes Women Worse As Relationship Mechanics—
Mark and Ross, I wish you the best of luck in your relationships. Duana’s advice to you seems so sane and helpful that the only thing I might add is that if you can find the time to read _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ it might help you to help your Significant Others understand that you are on the same side they are on.
My second thought is that lesbians must spend a LOT of time discussing their relationship(s).
My third thought is that while society really, really, really expects women to maintain the social and emotional fabric of romantic and familial relationships, it’s pretty unusual for a woman to get sane ideas on how to do so from said society.
While this column is aimed at men coping with women, there’s also the issue of how we as women can cope with being given this responsibility without driving our mates crazy.
It is really hard to stand up under the pressure of _knowing_ that something is wrong in the relationship and not knowing how to verbalize it (much less come up with rational ways of solving or working with the problem).
BTW, my fave relationship book is _A Guide to Rational Living_ ( by Ellis and Harper). Apropos of nothing.
As long as we’re on the subject, I would say there is a huge, huge industry devoted to making women worse at being Relationship Mechanics. The problem Ross and Mark are talking about doesn’t occur in a vacuum; far from it.
A lot of TV shows, books, and movies dealing with relationships and aimed at women do their best to teach us gals to use a lot of pseudo-psychological terminology and to judge our own performance on things like whether or not we “get closure on a specific issue.”
I really feel for Ross and Mark, because it must be hard to walk into a situation where your Relationship Mechanic has been thoroughly coached to demand a level of instant understanding and functionality that is only occasionally actually attainable.
Not to mention the large number of terrible, terrible relationship books that women are encouraged to give to their husbands as assigned reading. If a woman is in the unfortunate position of being home alone during the day (because telecommuting while breastfeeding is so gosh-darned easy-peasy), she is likely to turn on the TV just to hear adults talking, and then she will wind up with a big pile of well-packaged bull cookies that she’s been primed to hit her spouse with the second he gets home.
And as long as this has turned into a big ol’ rant: Seriously, it is hard enough to figure out how to address relationship problems, but then Redbook or Cosmo hits you with a quiz “proving” that you aren’t doing a good enough job as RM. It’s like a punch in the gut every time you read a mag at the hairdresser!
It ain’t just your Significant Other, fellows — there’s a whole industry making her nutty bit by bit. Don’t blame the messenger, blame Dr. Phil, and hurt him personally if possible.
Empowered and knowledgeable women are the bain of many industries. The wedding-industrial complex, the weight-loss industry, and the “we have to keep your relationship in a constant state of failure to sell you stuff” business.
Okay, end rant. For now.
Duana’s response:
Excellent rant, M.M. And by the way, research backs up your guess that lesbians process their issues way more than straights; and heteros process more than gay male couples, in general. Some exceptions apply, see your own relationship manual for details.
I also appreciate your identifying social/cultural pressures that place an unrealistic emphasis on solving every problem. Many relationship problems—no, most—aren’t solvable, even for happy couples. That fact doesn’t get enough air time. But here’s more information: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html
And I’m writing a column on Difficult *Men* that should give women a bit more realism in keeping the entire relationship from becoming a Problem.
Since you ranted, here’s mine: In my observation, there’s not only an industry that reduces women’s Relationship Mechanic skills, but one that effectively models rudeness for children…hurting the kids’ chances of eventually building strong intimate relationships, since happy relationships *require* kindness and respect, practiced consistently.
Children are proven to process televised information differently than adults do, and children thus have few defenses against the rude, callous, bratty behavior that is typical of mainstream TV programming. Experiments show that the worst outcome of TV for kids is not obesity, type 2 diabetes, correlated and experimental violence in real life, or unwarranted fears that make kids afraid of harmless others—although those are all outcomes. No, the worst outcomes are that TV *causes* less compassion and concern for others, and TV replaces real life—including face-to-face interactions kids have to have in order to make their own relationships work someday.
Rant over.
For now. ;)
From Candi:
Nice to read something that explains one of the differences between men and women in such a concise and non-derogatory and humorous way. Dr. Welch is absolutely right about the woman minding the machine of the relationship, always there with alarm bells and warning lights ready to go off whenever needed. We’re not just trying to make noise, there is a reason for it. We just need our mechanic at the ready to go in to set things right again.
I’ll also agree that I’ve read Gottman’s books and agree that he is a genius! Great job with the article Duana!
Duana’s response:
Thank you, Candi. Interestingly, there are also some men who enjoy being the relationship mechanics; and there are women who stonewall, although it’s rare. (I’m guilty—or was. Fortunately, these skills are easy to learn!)
From Louise:
Dear Dr. Duana,
I have to admit that I had become and potentially continue to be one of those “difficult” women; however, my second (and forever) husband showers me with such an “ongoing attitude of respect” that it’s a challenge for me to be my former difficult self! I really appreciate your insight and research on this subject. Keep up the great work!
Duana’s Response:
Louise, thank you—and kudos to you on being openly grateful for the good man in your life. Sounds like you two have found what works.
From Gabriel C:
Difficult women are generally good hearted women. Looking out for the relationship and valuing the little nuances that made a relationship possible with her. Most just want to make the experience as good as it can be. But I have seen the difficult woman with totally disruptive motives and deceitful agendas. Where lies fly and responsibility is not taken for actions and inactions. Same could be said about some Difficult Men. These I hope are the exceptions to truly being just difficult with sincere motives. Men, just listen to and consider the challenge because accepting some difficulty may make life much sweeter in the sheets, bath, shower, golf course…. HAHAHA. Just like a guy huh!
Duana’s response:
I love your thoughts, Gabriel. And yes…life is much better sexually for men who know how to Deal! Sometimes the cultural truths are Major Truths, and here’s one:
When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. (Including Mr. Happy.)
From Tracey Louis:
Men and women get so frustrated with the gender differences, don’t they? I like this column because it illustrates the well-meaning intentions and purposes of the behaviors (you know, the things that make us pull our hair out because our partner doesn’t get it!). Until you walk a mile in their shoes…
From Christine:
I love the Mechanic analogy, it fits perfectly!!
This is one of my favorite articles (so far). There is so much valuable information, and it gives me an entirely different outlook on talking to a guy about relationship things.
Anyways, can’t wait for the next one!
xoxo-Christine
Duana’s response:
Why thank you, Ms. Tracey and Christine. Much obliged. Thanks for reading and contributing, and I’ll be back next week with more LoveScience. See you then.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012.
The Dealing With Your Difficult Woman article these comments came from is here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman-1.html
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link:
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his bookThe 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
]]>Women are ALWAYS right. Just ask one. That’s what I’d like to read about. I will admit that they are usually right, but how do you tactfully approach them when they are wrong? I think I’ve learned to do it but I’d like to read about it anyway.
Ross
I agree with Ross . Women are ALWAYS right. And, when you are able to convince them that they are wrong … you then have to deal with a bitter woman for days! I’ve always had a very difficult time communicating with women in difficult situations. “Can’t live with them , can’t live without them”. Go figure!! What to do?
Mark
Dear Ross and Mark,
You had me at “always”. Seriously, though, it’s not about convincing your Difficult Woman that she’s wrong, nor conceding your point every time. Instead, it’s about three easy steps so your sex life, happiness, wallet, sex life, health, and sex life all win big.
Now that I’ve got your attention…
Step 1: Recognize and respect your Relationship Mechanic’s work.
Most men gallantly discharge tasks including lawn work, car care, and open-flame cooking. Some—God love them—scrub toilets.Meanwhile, women maintain relationships. But whereas men’s chivalry is appropriately acknowledged as important work, women’s efforts are frequently called by another name: Nagging.
Although this can be painful to the more Silent Sex, fully 80% of difficult issues are brought up by the wife in heterosexual couples, according to 35-plus years of research by marital happiness guru Dr. John Gottman. And neither cars nor relationships run well without maintenance. In the happiest couples, the wife does *not* accept a lackluster marriage as the norm, nor does she ignore problems as her anger builds. Instead, she does the vital job of complaining, insisting on protecting and enhancing the marriage.
So make a mental shift to honor your Relationship Mechanic’s work. It’s the couples who are disengaged –living separate, lonely lives under the same roof, often without bothering to fight anymore— who are at the greatest risk of misery, adultery, and divorce.
Step 2: Prevent harsh startup by including her input.
Some women are better Mechanics than others, though. Difficult Women criticize instead of gently voicing a mere complaint about the specific behavior at hand (Just because research shows criticism never helps a relationship doesn’t mean women have gotten The Memo). If “Remember how we used to cuddle? Let’s do it tonight,” has routinely become “You selfish jerk! You never consider my needs,” it’s a statistical guarantee that you’re headed towards the For Worse part of the marriage contract.
Fortunately, you can reverse the Difficult Woman metamorphosis, especially if you still admire and like your wife. Most women only turn Difficult after months or years of feeling disrespected when their input is ignored. So the solution is straightforward: Include her input.
Does this mean saying “Yes, Dear”? No; constant agreement is impossible. In fact, 69% of problems are unsolvable in all marriages, including the happy ones. Instead, convey respect by considering your wife’s perspective in life’s decisions and discussions, big and small—whether or not you ultimately do it her way. Concretely, this means calling her before you agree to a night out with the guys; asking her opinion on what TV to buy; listening if she has ideas about skim vs. 2%; and doing the difficult discussions instead of tuning her out. Some call these men whipped.Researchers use a different term: Happy.
Step 3: Recognize a flooded engine, and know what to do about it.
It’s happening again: Your wife has broached a sore subject, and she’s done it harshly. Take your pulse—really. If it’s over 100 beats per minute, Gottman’s science says you’re “flooded” and won’t process another thing right now.
What most men do at this point is called “stonewalling”—watching their mate’s mouth move while failing to respond in any way, and hoping it will eventually be over. Although research shows that men stonewall to avoid escalating a fight, it usually has the opposite effect. And of the four destructive disagreement techniques (in order: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling)—habitual stonewalling is the deadliest for a marriage’s longevity, heralding an end that is near indeed.
So don’t stonewall. Instead, take a break. You’ll require 20- to 30 minutes of TV or some other non-alcoholic distraction—after which it’s vital for you to return to the discussion. Imagine your Difficult Woman’s shock when she assassinates your character, only to find that your response is to calmly stop her, tell her you want to continue the talk after you’ve had a half-hour break—after which you actually return to consider her opinion. The goodwill you’ll buy will prove priceless. And over time, you’ll win. Not the battle—not the war—the peace.
Extra Credit: Give your Relationship Mechanic the manual.
You’ve probably discerned that Gottman is a research demigod—and you’re right. His “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert” is the only relationship book continually kept on my nightstand, and it’s a well-worn copy for good reason. By scientifically documenting the things happy couples do well and teaching the rest of us how, he’s turned many seemingly hopeless cases into happily-ever-afters, and made many a good marriage even better. So here’s the deal: If you won’t make me change the oil, I won’t ask you to read the relationship manual. I will, however, suggest that you give it to your Relationship Mechanic, along with a romantic card that says you respect and appreciate the hard work she does for you and your marriage.
If you follow these steps, your entire relationship will improve, because very few Difficult Women continue behaving badly in an ongoing atmosphere of respect. Plus, you’ll be right in every important sense. Always.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his book The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/display/Search?searchQuery=gottman&moduleId=9130610&moduleFilter=&categoryFilter=JournalEntry&startAt=0
]]>Just how far-reaching is the beauty bias? Are men’s beauty standards even higher than Hollywood’s? Can plastic surgery work against you? Can quirky good looks work for you? And what’s the guy’s perspective?
Read on!
From Joan N.: —What about actresses whose plastic surgery hurt their careers—or whose quirky good looks didn’t hurt? And do cute criminals get lighter sentences?—
Brilliant article - love it. How surprising even the Harvard dudes [from Kalick’s experiment discussed in the article] didn’t object: “Hey, I only have a photo, I can’t rate anything but physicality here.” I would hope that society is moving away from categorizing folks based on anything but contributions and character, but in the mating realm it seems that evolutionary predispositions still rule.
I’m wondering about the movie actresses who elect not to fix their faces. Barbara Streisand’s nose is trademark and legendary. Ditto for Lauren Hutton’s gapping front teeth. And Jennifer Grey, from “Dirty Dancing”, had a nose job thinking it would lead to more movie roles, but it backfired and she received less.
Maybe being appealing for movie roles is different from being generally appealing for marriage minded men …?
PS: Thanks for the supporting research. I don’t like that thing about 5th grade teachers assuming the cuter kids are brighter kids. I think judges do the same thing. The cuter criminals couldn’t have possibly done the crime … Parallel? Bah.
Duana’s response: —Symmetry rules, but when does a person really need plastic surgery?—
Joan, thank you, and that’s an interesting idea about Hollywood actors who’ve elected against cosmetic surgery, or had it without the desired career boost. Movie standards are, if anything, far more stringent than most marriage-minded men when it comes to requiring beauty; whereas in real life, men and women alike know what Ideal Beauty looks like, but they usually *seek* a partner with looks equivalent to their own, Hollywood is catering to fantasy and therefore is a lot less willing to compromise.
So back to your question. I think in Streisand’s case she was famed and beloved as a singer before her movies, which gave her an in. Not sure about Hutton and Grey. I would point out, though, that Hutton and Grey were both beautiful, both symmetrical—just without being totally conventional about it. ‘Butterface’ http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/butterface.html is about a lack of proportion and symmetry rather than the presence of conventional beauty.
Which brings up a point I’ve been thinking about. It was clear to me that plastic surgery could help Grace. But most of the flaws people consider fixing are noticeable mostly to oneself, and aren’t deal-breakers for the world at large. Do those folks really need surgery?
I received a letter recently, for instance, from a woman who wants liposuction because her waist is not exactly 30% smaller than her hips. Yet the .7 WHR (waist-hip ratio) is merely the ideal, the maximally beautiful—it does not follow that a woman with slightly less hourglass proportions is going to have any more trouble attracting a mate than most people do. Similarly, if you’re going to appear naked in a magazine, it’ll help to have symmetrical, evenly matched breasts and/or a good airbrush artist; otherwise, though, most women have one boob larger than the other, and it’s not stopping them from finding true love. (Note: ‘Boob’ is not clinical jargon.)
Finally, you’re right, the beauty bias cuts across all of life, or at least all of life that’s been studied so far. These findings aren’t just correlational—they’re experimental, yielding cause-effect. Beauty *causes* better outcomes.
To wit, your example of justice. There’s an entire experimental area in social psychology devoted only to legal matters. Repeated experiments find that when you expose one randomly-assigned jury to a plain defendant, and another to a good-looking defendant, the cuter criminal is:
—less likely to be found guilty
—less likely to receive jail time
—more likely to get the harsher sentence—including the death penalty.
Justice is not blind.
So anytime someone pooh-poohs plastic surgery, or claims that looks don’t matter, mine own eyes glaze over. Looks matter. And perhaps only the great-looking could fail to see it.
From Tom: —What this man looks for in Beauty (It needn’t be ideal)—
One man’s perspective - it’s important for a woman considering facial plastic surgery to keep some caveats in mind. These are my opinions:
— Every man may be different in what he prefers or finds irresistible. But there are certainly some basics. (I’ll get to ‘em, I think).
— If there are a preponderance of good facial features, and the one unusual feature isn’t *too* unusual … leave it alone. If a man smiles when he gazes into your face and doesn’t avert his eyes, you are *fine*, just leave yourself be. Think Jennifer Grey, who was awesomely pretty *and* unique pre-work.
— Smoother, tighter, puffier is *not* usually better. Sweet Baby Jesus save us from the Meg Ryan lips and the Botox faces.
— I recently joined Match.com as a means of seeing who’s available in my area, and seeing how *my* profile played with women (now that’s another story). But I am clearly screening out “un-pretty” women in favor of “pretty” women when I respond automatically to the profiles I see. The only written info that even matters is when they are either un-intelligent or purposely rude.
What makes a woman’s face pretty? Her smile. Yes, symmetry. Big bright eyes. Lips that are not too little, not too big. Rounded contours - doesn’t have a “mannish” appearance (I’ve seen some of those and they scare me, sorry). A haircut that is stylish.
And then somehow I always end up looking at her chest ;-)
Duana’s response: —Making the unusual beautiful; and ethnicity and the politics of nose jobs—
Tom, thank you for a man’s perspective. From my own research-delving and feminine points of view, I agree with everything you said.
I particularly like your position that there are some individual differences in what a particular man—or woman— will prefer. After all, everyone can experience someone who is widely acknowledged to be gorgeous but who is not our personal cup o’ chai. I could look at Liv Tyler ‘til my eyes fell out, while acknowledging that other, similarly-gorgeous faces do little for me.
Most research shows that most of us, most of the time, find the most beautiful person to be the person with the facial aspects representing the average of what you’d get if you could mathematically calculate typical features. But moving on with the Liv Tyler thing, that particular actress has some features that are a bit larger than most people’s, and in that sense the features aren’t perfectly average.
Which brings us to another of your points I appreciate: Just because a feature is not perfectly ‘normal’ doesn’t mean it requires plastic surgery. Grey’s nose was good as-was. Tyler’s lips are luscious. Just because their features are unusual doesn’t make them un-lovely. Indeed, those very features can be what makes them distinctive and appealing.
Which brings me to something that has cropped up in my private mail from Wise Readers: ethnicity and the politics of nose jobs.
I’ve received some notes from black women who’ve asked me *not* to publish their letters because they feared reprisals from those who might take their desire for rhinoplasty as a condemnation of the wider noses typical among African Americans. They wanted me to know that they wanted a nose-job, not as a means of erasing their racial and ethnic heritage, but because their particular nose was not proportionate to their particular face.
Literally and figuratively, that seems fair enough to me. My personal taste is offended by an ethos that would say we all need to look just alike, or that one race’s standard of beauty should be the standard for all. I likewise oppose pressuring people not to have surgery because it might offend members of their own group. Just my two cents~no research I’ve looked into on that.
From Undisclosed: —Rhinoplasty gone right—
I hope Grace takes your advice. My roommate in college…had a nose job the summer after our freshman year. Her case was similar to Grace’s – excellent package, except a huge, crooked nose threw the whole equation off. After the nose job, I could tell she felt better about herself and less self-conscious. That one piece of editing transformed her whole appearance. Some months after the nose job (a gift from her mother), my roommate attracted the serious intentions of one Mr. Greenberg. Eventually, she married into the very wealthy Greenberg family… Though I lost contact with her, I hope she lived happily ever after.
Duana’s response: —The Beautiful really are more self-confident—and heightened confidence should be an outcome of plastic surgery—
Undisclosed, thank you for that story. As it happens, more beautiful people are often a bit more confident in reality. Having been treated better all of their lives may translate into social skills that are a bit smoother, the academic thinking goes. And as most of us probably know even without the research, self-confidence is sexy.
So looking better and finding that the world is more responsive and desirous of one, post-op, aren’t the only outcomes we’d hope for from cosmetic surgery. We’d also want the newly-prettier to develop more self-confidence. I’m happy for your former roommate that she got all these results!
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012
Related LoveScience articles:
Plastic Surgery (the article to which this Q&A refers): http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/plastic-surgery-are-you-off-your-head.html
Butterface: why some men pick one kind of physical type to have a fling with~another to make a lifetime with http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/butterface.html
Butterface Q&A: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-butterface.html
Why men say they hate makeup, and why women should wear it anyway: http://rachelrabbitwhite.com/do-men-prefer-women-with-make-up/
Women as sex objects: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/women-as-sex-objects-youth-beauty-and-beating-the-odds.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Thanks to David Myers for the synopsis of Michael Kalick’s Harvard University dissertation, “Plastic surgery, physical appearance, and person perception,” which is unpublished.
Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield (formerly Walster), for identifying the physical attractiveness stereotype (the stereotype that what is beautiful is good and that beautiful people are over-all better people), and launching research on its extent in the 1970’s.
Margaret Clifford and Elaine Hatfield (Clifford and Walster, 1973) for an experiment showing that 5th-grade teachers believe an attractive child more intelligent and successful in school than a less-attractive child with an identical biography.
]]>
I’ve got a good education, solid career, winning personality, and a killer body. At five-foot-eight, my measurements are 36-24-35. My breasts are a 36C. My eyes, lips, hair? Lovely. It’s not uncommon for male strangers to pay for the dinner I’m eating out with a friend, and I haven’t paid bus fare or opened a door in years.
But my nose resembles a clown’s—round, like a rubber ball, and too large for my face. Your Butterface article made a lot of sense to me, because although men have flocked to me for sex and short-term flings, they’ve rarely been interested in the long-term.
I’ve consulted with an outstanding plastic surgeon and spent months looking at photos as I will appear post-op, to get used to the idea. Part of me wishes I’d had the surgery 5 years ago; part of me is scared to do it now.
I know there is controversy about plastic surgery, but I don’t care about public debates. I just want an answer: Do you think the right nose job would help me attract Mr. Right?
Grace
Dear Grace,
Here’s the short answer, according to science from the 1970’s to now: yes.
And here’s the much longer answer.
The beauty bias is hard-wired from birth. Infants stare longer at a beautiful face than a plain visage, and blind men acknowledge—sometimes with a degree of shame—that they care what other people think about their date’s appearance.
Unfortunately, the physical attractiveness stereotype is about more than just looks. Most folks most of the time in most of the world implicitly believe that beautiful people are not only better-looking—they’re better in almost every way.
The stereotype starts when we’re still kids ourselves and carries on from there. Attractive preschoolers are more popular among their peers; 5th-grade teachers think a good-looking child is smarter and likelier to succeed in school than a kid with the same bio but a plainer face. College students think a good-looking professor is better, clearer, and more helpful. It even hits the bottom-line: Better-looking people make more money than the unattractive, short, or obese.
And men tend to think women look amazing—no, that women *are* amazing—after plastic surgery.
To wit, in Michael Kalick’s Harvard experiment, undergraduate men rated the physical attractiveness of eight women. Half the men viewed photos taken before the women had cosmetic surgery. The other half viewed the same women’s *post-op* photos. Vitally, the men were kept ignorant as to the study’s purpose and the women’s surgery status.
Results? The men in the post-op group rated the women higher for physical attractiveness than did the men who viewed pre-op pix. Not only that, the post-op group men judged the women as warmer, more sexually responsive, likable, and kinder than the pre-op guys did~even though all these men were from Harvard! Not one of them said, “Hey, I only have a photo, I can’t rate anything but physicality here.”
So this isn’t a logic thing. It’s not an intelligence thing. It’s a human thing.
A thing plastic surgery can help you with.
All that said, here are three words—okay, paragraphs— of warning:
1. The surgery will only get you a nose-in; it won’t close the deal.
Investing in your face will probably help you to attract a more serious type of man post-op, given what we know from the research on body-focused Butterface-chasers versus the guys who place a premium on a pretty face—and commitment. And rhinoplasty can probably bias would-be suitors to cast most qualities you possess, and some you might not, in a better light.
The effect will likely be temporary, though. Appearance is important mainly for first impressions and getting men to draw nigh; after that, character counts a lot, and you’ll need to deliver the goods on being good.
2. You might feel a little worse about the world, if better about your marriage prospects, post-op.
Kudos to you on planning thoroughly for this decision, including carefully selecting a surgeon and spending a lot of time with the computer-generated image of what you’ll look like after the rhinoplasty. Even a positive change takes some getting used to, and the psychological work you do now will help your adjustment later.
One of the changes to prepare for is not quite so positive, though: It can be depressing to notice yourself being pursued more seriously post-op. It’s one thing to intellectually realize that great looks are a great social asset, but it may be another to experience it. People who’ve always been beautiful sometimes suspect they’re receiving praise based on their appearance and not their performance or intrinsic worth~but women who’ve had plastic surgery *know* it’s true. Anecdotally, a lot of women find themselves a bit depressed post-op, when they get the attention they craved not based on who they are but how they look. It can make some feel more objectified, less known as individuals important in their own right, than ever.
3. You’ll still need to avoid being easy.
Women with difficult visages and hot bodies are probably more often the targets of short-term intentions. But once your nose is jobbed, you’ll face this reality: All beautiful women are targets of the short-termers at least some of the time, and giving sex up-front can turn off even the most serious-minded of men.
Don’t waste your time. You want marriage, so weed out the players by refusing to have sex with any man until he’s point-blank asked you to be his and his alone, has shown the same commitment to you, and has convinced you in deed, not just word, that he loves you.
Only The Serious will remain. Perfect.
In closing, I wish you peace of mind as and after you make your decision, and total healing in every sense. Whatever choice you make, may you make it work for you, and embrace the worth that is inherently yours regardless.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012
Related LoveScience articles:
Butterface: why some men pick one kind of physical type to have a fling with~another to make a lifetime with http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/butterface.html
Butterface Q&A: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-butterface.html
Why men say they hate makeup, and why women should wear it anyway: http://rachelrabbitwhite.com/do-men-prefer-women-with-make-up/
Women as sex objects: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/women-as-sex-objects-youth-beauty-and-beating-the-odds.html
How long should you wait to have sex? http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/waiting-for-sex-for-how-long.html
Why having sex too soon can turn even serious-minded men off: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-wait-for-sex-dumb-like-a-fox.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Judith Langlois and others for research showing 3-month-olds’ increased gaze-time for attractive faces.
David Myers, David Buss, and other social scientists who have collected informal accounts of blind men who are concerned about their dates’/mates’ appearance.
Thanks also to Dr. Myers for the synopsis of Michael Kalick’s Harvard University dissertation, “Plastic surgery, physical appearance, and person perception,” which is unpublished.
Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield (formerly Walster), for identifying the physical attractiveness stereotype (the stereotype that what is beautiful is good and that beautiful people are over-all better people), and launching research on its extent in the 1970’s. Thanks also to Dr. Berscheid for research showing that beautiful people sometimes suspect whether the praise they receive is genuine, while the less-gorgeous are more apt to think praise is sincere.
Alice Eagly and others, for a meta-analysis of Western experiments examining the stereotype that beautiful people are good people. Nutshell? They found that beautiful people are usually considered better people in every regard, except for two traits where appearance made no difference: integrity and compassion.
Ladd Wheeler and Youngmee Kim, for research in Korea which also showed the physical attractiveness stereotype—but with opposite results than those found in the USA and Canada. In Korea, the attractive people were considered more honest and compassionate, but not necessarily better in other regards.
Karen Dion and Ellen Berscheid, for research showing that attractive preschoolers were more popular with the other children than less-attractive preschoolers.
Jennifer Bonds-Raacke and others, for research showing that professors who are judged better-looking by college students are also judged better over-all.
Margaret Clifford and Elaine Hatfield, (Clifford and Walster, 1973) for an experiment showing that 5th-grade teachers believe an attractive child more intelligent and successful in school than a less-attractive child with an identical biography.
Comila Shahani-Denning, for a review of experiments showing a bias towards hiring more attractive people, and her own experiments showing that women who are beautiful are particularly well-regarded, compared to attractive men and less-attractive women.
Kristie Engemann and Michael Owyang, for another review of how height, weight and/or facial attractiveness relate to salaries in every researched job and profession.
Daniel Hamermesh and Jeff Biddle, for research showing the good-lookers making 5% more an hour than average-lookers, and those below average in facial appearance making 9% less per hour.
]]>
Your regularly-scheduled, science-based articles will return next week. In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind that I took the time to thank someone who followed all the research without even knowing it~and a person without whom LoveScience would not exist.
Cheers,
Duana
I married a manly man. A guy with a rough face and gentle, huge hands. A guy with a pinkie larger than my thumb. With a broad, deep chest and strong arms. And—kids, stop reading here—a hot ass.
A man who didn’t laugh when I said I needed to smell him before I would know if he was for me. He just leaned in and let me have a sniff. And seemed relieved when I said he’d do.
A man who holds hands and gives backrubs that are ends unto themselves. Who gets it that all you really need to be great in bed is willingness, the desire to bring your beloved joy. That the two things you need everywhere are kindness and respect.
A man who has all that.
I married a creative man, a hard-working man who builds things…things with his mind, things with his hands. A man who grows a garden and tends the yard and pays the bills. A man who goes each day to a job he does not love, because he does love us.
I married a man who makes his own doctor appointments. And keeps them.
I married a courageous man. That which fails to kill us often makes us bitter, not better; the scars accumulate and our openness to life dissipates. But I married a man who had been through terrible heartbreak, yet had the courage to throw himself back into love. To say: I’m not going to let the past stop me from pursuing what I want with my whole heart.
A man who saw my own brokenness and scars. And kissed them. And wanted me anyway.
I married a man who met me with my half-pint daughter and saw possibilities instead of problems. Who said: I always wanted to raise a little girl, too. A man who had adopted a boy from Russia—a child who made me a mother again.
A man who protects us in every way he can. Who watched over our daughter when she was hospitalized just weeks after our wedding. And who watched over me after my open-heart surgery; who cried when the surgeon said I was healed. Who drove gently over rough spots in the road to save me any pain as I recovered. Who wouldn’t let me touch laundry for a long time after that, in case it was too heavy.
A generous man. A man who surprises me with chocolates and always asks if I’ve lost weight.
I married a gentle man, a man who cries at movies. Who is not afraid to be moved, and who finds many things moving. A man who shares my ethic for compassion and care in and for the world, and who wants more than anything to embody that ethic and set a good example.
I married a man who appreciates and loves me as a woman. A man who tells me every day with his eyes and his hands that he thinks I’m the hottest thing on feet. A man who accepts and even enjoys my cooking. Who praises my housekeeping. A man who thinks I’m a great mother—and who values that because—and this is important—he can put children’s needs ahead of his own.
I married a man who understands that children need all their parents. A man who welcomes my ex into our home twice a week, and who does so graciously. A man who has said of my ex: He’s family, of course he’s coming for the holidays.
I married a man with passion and purpose. A man who has volunteered an entire day in each week for over a decade at a zoo. A man beloved by animals others fear—and the only man beloved by the lion, who rolls over on his back when he sees my husband approach. A man who raises bears and leopards in his spare time and still plays with our housecat, too, because he gets it that pussies are wonderful whatever their size and that real men love cats. And dogs. And critters.
A man who has been known to bring a hedgehog home because he thought I would enjoy that.
A man who can be there in the pain of an animal’s death, to give comfort. Who says, The end of life is hard. And stays for hours and hours to make sure that hard ending is at least not endured alone. Who was there when my beloved greyhound had to be put down; who held, yes, even a pet rat as it suffered its last at the end of a long life.
I married a human coatimundi—a raccoon that takes immense pleasure from jokes and tricks. A man who brings fun to life. Who won’t let you finish your sentence if there is some way to turn it into a laughing matter. And there are more laughing matters than I could have guessed at.
I married a man who knows the value of those two little words: Yes Dear. Who morphs my own flaws into endearing qualities. Who searches around for his stuff, which I have invariably moved someplace yet again, and shrugs it off. Who loves me as-is, and tells me I’m hot even if I’ve worn the same jeans two days running. Who listens to my many opinions and lets me prattle on about research even if that’s not his thing.
I did not marry a reader. But I did marry a man who appreciates my mind and my passion for books and knowledge and learning. Who lovingly calls me his little nerd. And—surprise!—a man who started reading on his own, too.
I married a confident man. A man who supports my passions and prods me to pursue my dreams. Who encouraged me to leave a lucrative job to return to the relative poverty of my purpose: to teach in writing and in the classroom. Who says, Look at all the lives you’re changing, I’m so proud of you. A man who urged me to start LoveScience when I didn’t believe with certainty that I had anything to say, or any way to say it, or that anyone would read it if I did. Who is now encouraging me to write a book. A man who would rather I made a big difference than a huge paycheck, come down to it.
He’d rather I was who I am.
I am grateful for who he is, and who he helps us all to be.
Thank you, Vic Hariton, for asking me to be your bride. For marrying me. For being a good man. For being heroic. For being mine.
Happy 4th anniversary.
Love,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.
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Dear Duana,
Oh my gosh, I LOVE this! I am so happy for Darcy and her baby!
Best case scenario, for sure.
But what if Darcy had proposed? Alex could have hemmed and hawed — or worse — been turned off for good. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, and as you point out, it’s always preferable to be the high-status woman who keeps her power … but sometimes, well, for lack of good information or whatever the reason, we’ve all been in situations that were less than ideal … ..
I think what I’m trying to say is that Darcy is Very Fortunate. She was in tricky territory, which easily could have gone the other way. Frankly, I know first-hand about good women in her similar situation who end up as single mothers —many of whom receive only limited or sporadic support (financial or otherwise) from the Dad.
I especially like that Darcy asked for help with this, and took your advice to heed her own intuition about Alex.
I am so glad the situation worked itself out for Darcy and her family. She has been through an emotional time, which I would not wish on anyone. God bless her!
All I want for Christmas is to get married or at least engaged. Alex and I fell in love right when we met. We were that romantic couple who were always cuddling, kissing, staring in each other’s eyes, all gushy-mushy, and we are still very much in love. I was hard-to-get at first, but four years later we have a baby girl and still no ring! I don’t want a big ring, and I’ve said so, but he seems to take that as, “She wants a huge ring.” So honesty isn’t working and I think he’s waiting to get rich before he proposes! When I ask if he ever thinks of marrying me, he says yes with a big smile and embraces me, but I’m just wondering…WHEN? Am I being impatient? And what can I do? I read your letter to Helen about becoming high-status, but I can’t just up and leave now that I’m a mom.
Darcy
Dear Darcy:
Congratulations on wanting a man more than a ring, and a marriage more than a wedding. And kudos on your baby and on the shelter of two parents who love her.
But please nix any guilt you may feel about your impatience for full commitment. If anything, waiting for a proposal until after your baby’s birth qualifies as far too patient! In the USA, it remains true that just about everything Good—health, money, stability, longevity, fidelity, satisfaction, and success not only for the couple but for their kids—comes to those who wed. But not to those who wait. The least-happy, least-lasting marriages tend to be between couples who cohabited for a lengthy timeframe before saying I Do; seems some who try out their relationship for a long time pre-vows continue trying it out afterwards. Yet couples who move in only after setting a wedding date, and couples who get married without living together first, are among the happiest- and longest-wed.
Families need the endless time horizon that utter commitment brings. The time horizon on merely living together is too uncertain, preventing a lot of the mutual investment in each other and in your child that people engage in only when they feel they have no expiration date. Without that total confidence, instead of having each other’s backs, it’s more like protecting your own, which drains resources of time, money and love away from the relationship.
Upshot? Research supports your desire to get married—not merely engaged—and to do it *now*. Yet science hasn’t presented many options for getting there in your scenario. The trouble is, you’re not in a good position to deploy high-status courtship moves any longer, because you’re not courting. Elvis has left the building. The horse is out of the barn. The baby’s out of the…um…
So keeping in mind this next part is my opinion and that you should leverage what you know about Alex to plan the details, here’s my advice:
Stop waiting for a marriage proposal, and Do It Yourself:
Approach your sweetie when he’s in a good mood and the baby’s asleep and you’re looking sexy. Or (remembering what life is like with babies) if just two of those three things occur simultaneously.
Wrap your arms around Alex, give him a deep kiss and a good, long sexy look in the eye, and say, “So, I know what I want this Christmas, and it’s only one thing. It doesn’t cost much, but it’s really valuable. It would make me happier than anything else in the world.”
From your longer letter, it’s clear this man adores you and has either lost a sense of urgency that you need a marriage, and/or he’s gained a sense that you need a huge ring he can’t currently afford. So when you say this, he’s likely to say, “Anything, Sugar. What is it?”
Then you smile and hug him and reply, “The Friday before Christmas, I want a special day. I want you and me and the baby to dress up and go down to the justice of the peace and get married. I want us to become a family in all ways, and our marriage will be a Christmas gift that celebrates our whole family—you, me and our baby. Please say yes!” [You might opt to present him with a box containing photos of two very inexpensive wedding bands.]
Will this involve some sacrifice on your part? Yes. It means the engagement ring may be an anniversary band years later; the big wedding may be a recommitment ceremony at your 10th anniversary. It means letting go of the fairytale where the guy kneels and proposes.
But it also means getting something priceless: Commitment for your entire family. You’re a mom now, with the long view of life motherhood often brings. Take that long view~solidify the union with this man you love, father to your child. And let the details—not your family—wait.
Merry Christmas to you all, and all the best on a very happy future.
Cheers,
Duana
Update:
Wise Readers, I received this letter over a year ago, and Darcy was still considering what to do, when Alex started the discussion that made my advice unnecessary:
At a moment when the baby was asleep, they were both in a good mood, and they were snuggling in bed, Alex asked, “Do you still want your present that you’ve been waiting for?” meaning an engagement ring. Darcy replied, “I’m not sure if I want it anymore.” He said, “Huh, why not?” Then, in Darcy’s words, “I kissed him deeply and hugged him and said, ‘Well I just don’t want something to be given to me ‘cause that person feels like they HAVE to….I want it to be because you voluntarily want to and ‘cause you love me and our daughter and want to stay committed to us forever.’ He then looked straight into my eyes and said, ‘I know it’s something that you do want and something that I want too. Don’t worry, you’ll be getting a nice surprise soon enough.’”
And what do you know? A few days later, at a party in front of their baby girl and Darcy’s parents, he knelt down and proposed.
Darcy said yes.
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011.
The author wishes to thank renowned sociologist Linda J. Waite for her extensive review of the best marriage-and-cohabitation research in her book The Case For Marriage.
Related LoveScience articles have reviewed other relevant research on cohabitation and marriage, plus becoming High-Status, at these links:
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I am in a monogomous relationship with a woman that I love very much, and she me. We have been together about a year, and things have gone from good to great to wonderful. The subject of marriage has come up, although indirectly, but it’s clear that it is something that she wants in her future, and I now know that it is what I want as well. I also know that she is the one that I want to marry. (gulp!) [We’re buying a house together and] we have recently found out that she is pregnant, and we are ecstatic! Both of our families know, etc.
I am in the mindset that I would like to propose to her soon, like around the holidays, and do it in a very romantic fashion. Whether or not we marry before or after the baby is born doesn’t matter to me, it may to her, I don’t know.
The problem is this: We are both on a very tight budget, she goes to school, I work non-profit, etc., and with the additional cost of being about to buy a house, and have a baby, there is no way that I can currently afford to buy a diamond engagement ring. (This is where I need help).
Men don’t really know about things like this, I’ve never been married, or engaged, and what I know about the tradition is what I’ve seen in the movies and such. Pop the question, hold up a glistening diamond ring. Woman announces to friends that she is engaged, they all want to see the ring, etc. How important is this tradition? Does it have to be a diamond? Is another semi-precious stone, say her birthstone acceptable? I can’t fathom any way to make this romantic gesture with a note that says “sorry, I’ll buy you a ring when our kid has grown and I’ve paid off the car, etc…” Help!
Heath