Wise Readers,
Does therapy help…at all? Does it matter what kind of therapy you get? Does marriage make people happier, and are people who claim to be happy faking or exaggerating their real feelings? What if your ex was unkind to you—should you shield the kids from him? Counselor Carrie Lynne Pietig teams up with me to answer your questions this week!
Read on!
From ‘Ted’: —Don’t Focus On Men’s Weak Spots—
I would re-word the explanation re: men being reluctant to start counseling this way: Men dread having to acknowledge and confront their weaknesses and shortcomings and suspect that counseling will inevitably focus largely on that process.
Carrie Lynne Pietig’s response:
I believe that this could be said for women too. Inevitably counseling can bring up some serious conversations that influence our lives in ways we are unaware of or, or sometimes seemingly unable to change. Gottman Method Couple Counseling provides each person in the relationship a chance to share the experience of being with their partner in a way that allows for understanding and healing. This is not always easy and given dedication to the relationship I have found couples who are committed to moving out of gridlock and into a meaningful conversation can find themselves in a much happier and satisfying relationship.
Duana’s response:
Ted, I think you’re right, at least about the second part. As Carrie Lynne pointed out in our recent interview about Gottman Method counseling, men do frequently find themselves treated as accessories, problems, or less-than in the therapy room. Fortunately, Gottman’s therapy methods emphasize fully honoring and valuing the perspectives and basic worth and dignity of both members of each couple.
From ‘Sean’ and ‘Sarah’: —Counseling Doesn’t Work—
‘Sean’: I don’t believe in counseling of any kind, 1st if you are at the point in your relationship where a 3rd person is needed then i say it’s over.
‘Sarah’: I think a lot of people pretend to be happier than they really are. If I had to choose sides I would side with Sean.
Carrie Lynne’s response:
Sean – I have heard this sentiment often. However, for myself, I have found there is no instruction book for marriage and having a third, unbiased viewpoint can often help couples break out of their communications ruts / perpetual fighting, prickliness, walking on eggshells, etc., and helps them move into a deeper understanding and appreciation for one another. If couples are in crisis for an extended period of time they will eventually disconnect from one another and become emotionally disconnected. When this happens it is a much more difficult battle to win. Additionally, I have seen couples wait too long to come in for counseling and use it as a last ditch effort to say “they tried everything,” but really were using it as a way to exit the relationship.
Sarah—I believe that many couples pretend to be happier than they are…for a variety of reasons. The top two I have observed is to “keep the peace” in their relationship; and the other reason is a belief that if I pretend to be happier, I will be happier. And although both can be valuable to an extent, they do not replace a genuine appreciation of your partner. Although at times we think we are good pretenders, there is usually a choice in our wording, actions, thought process, decision making, communication, etc. that gives us away, whereas achieving a deep appreciation for what you partner brings to the relationship as well as feeling that sense of genuine appreciation can radically change how a couple interacts, communicates and turns towards one another in times of crisis or success. This can be seen in what Gottman refers to as Master couples.
Duana’s response: —When Therapy Works, Why, And Why Most Marriages Make People Happier & Are Worth Saving—
Dear Sean and Sarah,
While I can appreciate where you’re both coming from, and I appreciate your notes, the problem with saying counseling doesn’t work is that, for many, it does.
Of course, whether it works depends on timing and willingness to some extent. Sometimes, people have waited so long to begin therapy that one or both spouses have already emotionally checked out of the relationship and they’re only consenting to counseling because of outside pressures, or perhaps from an inner desire to say ‘I tried everything, and nothing works’ (as Carrie Lynne also points out). They’re already gone and just waiting a bit to formalize it. In that sense, Sean, you’re correct; people are waiting to start therapy until it’s too late.
That doesn’t make therapy inappropriate or ineffective—it just means the timing is also important. As Carrie Lynne pointed out in our interview, she wishes people would come to see her much earlier, when the ‘shit pile’ every couple has could be more readily turned and composted.
But does therapy work if couples do start therapy early enough, and they’re at least partly open to its success? Then we get to the issue of the kind of therapy. Gottman’s methods are among the very, very few based in solid science proving that they work. Moreover, they’re built not only on observations of miserable couples –the ones Gottman called the Disasters—but importantly, the Gottman Method is based on what *does* work. He spent decades observing the Master couples, not only Disaster couples, creating therapeutic techniques based off what already *was* working in the real world, and then doing studies to see whether the therapies could turn Disasters around. They could. They did.
So another factor regarding whether therapy helps is whether the couple has chosen Gottman Method therapy and a counselor who has been properly trained in it. For anyone out there who wants to find such a therapist, this link should help: http://www.gottmanreferralnetwork.com/ (Click ‘I accept’ to get to the ‘Find A Therapist’ screen). For those of you in the Austin, Texas area, Carrie Lynne is a Gottman Method counselor and you can locate her at www.LifeInMotionCounseling.com.
John Gottman himself started his now four-decades-long research because he was a therapist who noted that the therapy methods he’d been taught simply weren’t working. Most couples couldn’t do the techniques even in his office, nevermind when they went home. As he followed up, he found they weren’t able to do the techniques, they weren’t staying together, and his training was not creating the difference in people’s lives that he had hoped for. The methods before his were all based on what wasn’t working—Disaster couples. By studying happy as well as unhappy couples across decades, and noting their similarities and differences, Gottman was indeed able to empirically create and prove the efficacy of his methods.
Sarah, as to your point about people pretending to be happier than they really are, I don’t doubt that’s sometimes true. Some research even indicates that seeing ourselves and our happiness unrealistically (in a good way) can have positive effects. For instance, it’s been known since the 1980’s that those who are depressed are ‘sadder but wiser,’ seeing themselves and their happiness or lack thereof quite accurately. The non-depressed, on the other hand, tend to possess quantities of self serving bias—the tendency to perceive ourselves favorably. Indeed, most people think they’re happier than most people; 90% of us think we’re better drivers than 90% of us; and in one informal survey, more people judged that they themselves would get to heaven than thought Mother Theresa would make it past St. Peter!
The self serving bias may be unrealistically positive. But it protects our emotions and maybe our mental health.
That said, it remains true that having a good marriage is strongly related to, and increasingly is tied to not only greater happiness (40% of the married and 20% of people in other demographics report themselves ‘very happy’ in the USA)—but also the creation of more wealth and assets, greater health and longer lives for everyone in the family including children, better and more frequent and satisfying sex, and usually less abuse than other arrangements. The children of the married also do better on virtually every dimension, on average, than children whose parents never married or later divorced. And it’s not just that the already-healthy, already-wealthy get married; it’s the case that following marriage, these benefits increasingly accrue, and following divorce or extended cohabitation, they diminish notably.
As sociologist Linda Waite points out in an interview in the book Marriage: Just a piece of paper? (page 166), “The dimensions that I’m sure of [where marriage improves life] include physical health and length of life—improvements for both men and women—emotional well-being, sexual activity and sexual satisfaction, career benefits, outcomes for children across a range of dimensions, [reduced] domestic violence, and wealth and assets. What else is there left except maybe beauty?” She’s done much research since then underscoring the point, as have many others.
There are a number of excellent books that summarize the research not only in the USA, but Sweden and Canada—results of which are consistent. Two of my favorites are sociologist Linda Waite’s The Case For Marriage and an edited book that features interviews with many individual scientists and policymakers, Marriage: Just a piece of paper?
So people do sometimes fake happiness. But most marriage contributes greatly to happiness. And doing what it takes to have a successful marriage, including going to therapy, is worthwhile.
From ‘Bill’: —Therapy Works For Me—
My counselor of the last two years knows exactly where to hit with ruthless honesty - she hurts so good, and I say that with total love and respect. In fact, I have better conversations now because of her. Find one you click with. Pietig’s triumph of following her heart into a practice of healing marriages is a remarkable transition itself: “And I didn’t realize that there was all this wonderful training out there; I found it and launched into it and have been an avid fan since.”
Carrie Lynne Pietig’s response:
I could not agree more. Couples counseling is a very intimate process and in order to get the most out of it, finding a counselor that you click with and one that can provide perspective is essential. As I mentioned in my interview with Duana, the benefit of Gottman’s tools and techniques isn’t limited to a marriage, but can promote a deeper understanding and appreciation of all the relationships you have in your life from your children, siblings, work, and family and friend relationships.
Duana’s response:
Bill, thank you for speaking up! Kindness and respect—and the techniques for communicating it— can become a way of life that is learned first in therapy. And that way of life enhances our entire lives, and the lives of all those we love or care about.
From ‘Tamara’ –What About My Ex And My Daughter?—
I decided to end my marriage after years of marriage counseling, and began individual counseling. In talking with my new counselor, it became quickly apparent that the marriage counseling we had received was incompetent, even unethical, in some very basic ways. So when I started to read your interview with Carrie Lynne, I was prepared for another round of self-recrimination that I had given up on my marriage without ever “properly” trying marriage counseling.
However, Gottman’s theories didn’t resonate for me. Other than Contempt and Stonewalling (oh, MY, yes), I didn’t see much that described us, or many suggestions for improvement that sounded different from what I was trying all along. Because of what you said about abusive relationships, I followed that link, and THERE I found something that sounded familiar - the “Cobra”pattern of abuse. Only my husband never hit me or insulted me. He was invariably civil, and often verbally supportive, but also secretive, deceptive, disdainful, controlling, and occasionally belittling. There were a few times leading up to and during our break-up when I became truly afraid that if he snapped he might kill me. At the time, I thought that it was (more or less) normal for things to get that bad, but now I’m not so sure.
I now believe that his attitude toward me throughout the marriage was one of callously indifferent exploitation, although I never suspected this until the marriage was near its end.
Is non-violent Cobra-ness a common pattern of bad behavior for a man in a bad marriage? Or is it, as with violent Cobras, “antisocially pathological”? Since I’m out of this relationship, my main concern is for my daughter. I am increasingly convinced that he never loved me, but he seems sincerely devoted to her. We have shared custody, and he has been a competent and fully involved father. Are the patterns he was in with me likely to reassert themselves with her? How can I protect her, or rather, teach her to protect herself? I have learned to accept that she is stuck with the father I gave her, and that nothing I can do now can change that.
Duana’s response: —Nurture Your Child’s Relationship With Her Father (Here’s Why)—
Dear Tamara,
Thank you so much for your letter. If the only two things in Gottman’s research that applied to your ex-marriage were contempt and stonewalling, that would be more than enough to predict the marriage’s demise if the pattern weren’t reversed. It would have taken both you and your husband’s actively turning towards kindness and respect for the relationship to survive, let alone thrive. Add that your husband was controlling—THE core component of abuse—, and although you might not have reached a point of abusiveness per se, you may have been headed there. As abuse expert Lundy Bancroft noted, disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows.
Now to your daughter—your heart, I’m guessing. The best predictor of future behavior is always past behavior in a similar circumstance—which means your husband is going to continue treating your daughter the way he has treated her before.
If your ex has been a devoted, competent, and fully involved father, as you indicate he has, it is extremely likely that he will continue to be.
Research-backed fact: It would be hugely damaging to your daughter for you to put up an impediment to her time with or love for or good feelings about her father (since he is not abusing her; if he were, then yes, impediments would need to be put in place). She needs him, not only now but for her lifetime, and she needs to feel as good about him as she can. She needs to feel that she comes from two good people, and that she is allowed to love and cherish her father as she does you.
Based on vast amounts of long-term research about children’s adjustment post-divorce, I strongly advise nurturing a sense of gratitude that you’ve got an ex who, while not good for you, is good for your child. Not that you’re doing these things, but:
Don’t put her in the middle, don’t ask her to carry messages for you, and do treat your ex as a business partner in the business of raising your daughter. Here’s an article about that: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/the-ex-files-how-and-why-to-get-along-with-your-former-mate.html.
If you want to know more about how divorce affects children, and under what circumstances it’s appropriate to limit contact, I highly recommend the book I linked above called Marriage: Just a piece of paper?, edited by Katherine Anderson, Don Browning, and Brian Boyer. There’s an entire section on how to have a post-divorce relationship that works for or against the child’s best interest, and how divorce impacts children. My guess is you will come away thanking your lucky stars that your ex is still there for the child you both love!
I hope this helped you. I wish all the best for you and your daughter. And your ex. And mine.
Thank you again for sharing your concerns with me.
Cheers,
Duana
The author wishes to thank the scientists and sources listed in the article, plus:
Carrie Lynne Pietig, with whom the interview was conducted on Nov. 8th, 2012,
and, as ever, researchers foundational to Therapy and adjustment to parenthood, and/or dealing with abusive mates: John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Neil Jacobson;
and sociologist Linda Waite, for her thorough and enduring research on the distinctions between the institution of marriage versus cohabitation.
Related LoveScience articles:
The Carrie Lynne Pietig interview today’s article is responding to: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/got-therapy-your-questions-answered-about-parenting-sex-why.html
Women and criticizing and soft startup:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man.html
Men and stonewalling and accepting your partner’s influence:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman.html
Handling stepfamily issues:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/stepmarriages-keeping-love-alive-when-theyre-somebody-elses.html
Types of abusers/leaving an abuser:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-batter-women-how-abuse-ends.html
Detecting an abuser early:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/ignorance-or-ignore-ance-how-to-prevent-abuse.html
Getting along with your Ex for the good of the child(ren): http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/the-ex-files-how-and-why-to-get-along-with-your-former-mate.html
Recommended reading:
The Case For Marriage, by renowned sociologist Linda Waite. Living together is not a separate but equal institution—it is a qualitatively different experience
Every Wise Reader’s book case could benefit from the addition of The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
If you have or want to have a baby without losing your relationship, you’ll love And Baby Makes Three.
For extensive information on research-backed impact of marriage, divorce, cohabitation, never-marrying, and other family forms on adults’ and children’s well-being across many facets of life, Marriage: Just a piece of paper? is eye-opening.
And if you’re in an abusive relationship (or think you might be), When Men Batter Women is a must-own.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com. You will receive a personal, confidential response. If your letter is chosen for publication, your name and identifying information will be changed beforehand.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.