You don’t need months to find out whether their heart is free for you.
At 50+, most singles have an ex.
But not everyone is over theirs.
I’ve worked with people who discovered that only after spending a year or more with someone—who then left them for the former partner.
Ouch.
Many daters take far too long to discern important facts when the information is available much sooner. Usually, fear is involved: fear of scaring everyone away, scaring this person away, seeming too serious, or ending up alone.
But truly, there’s no time to waste.
If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, asking meaningful questions doesn’t make you too serious. It shows that you’re motivated to find someone who wants what you want. And one thing you need is a heart that’s free to love you.
Of course, you can wait around and gather clues about whether theirs is.
Maybe they constantly mention the ex. Send cute little texts. Have phone calls that seem more pleasure than business. Go over to fix things, run errands, or otherwise find reasons to spend time together that have nothing to do with children they share.
I once knew a couple who were terrific together—except for the two weeks every summer when one of them went on vacation with the ex.
Oh no.
And don’t assume fighting with the ex means the attachment is over. Love and hate are not opposites; indifference is. Vitriol can reveal an emotional connection just as surely as yearning can.
Healthy relating with an ex is generally pretty boring: respectful, businesslike when business is necessary, and—if they have children together—focused on the children’s, or possibly grandchildren’s, well-being. As those children grow up and make their own decisions, that relationship should normally recede further into the background.
But waiting to observe all this can take months.
There’s a much faster way.
Ask:
“If your ex were here right now, what would they say was the reason for your breakup?”
And then look, lean, and listen.
You’re listening not only to what they say, but to how they say it.
Do you hear vitriol—or calmness? Yearning—or detachment? Do you get a ten-minute emotionally charged dissertation, or a reasonably even-handed sentence or two?
Someone who’s truly over an ex can usually answer briefly and honestly. They don’t necessarily agree with the ex’s version of events, and they don’t have to. But they can tell you what that person would say without becoming emotionally flooded, contemptuous, wistful, or obsessed with proving who was right.
In other words, they’re respectful yet detached.
And yes: they’re also not looking for opportunities to spend time with the person they’re supposedly over.
So don’t spend months trying to figure out whether someone’s heart is available when you can begin discerning it now.
Ask the question. Then pay very close attention to the answer.
Because you aren’t looking for someone who’s merely single.
You’re looking for someone who’s free.
If you know someone who’s dating after 50 and needs to ask this question, share this with them. If you’d like a free training that shows you how to choose a terrific partner at 50+—without settling—here’s the link: coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie
Photo by Alexander Wende on Unsplash